Unplug Your Ears.
To those of you who read this blog who were fortunate to have a safe and successful birth in your home, bless you.
Unfortunately, my baby died very likely because of my choice to birth at home. So forever I am a Mama who will never ever be in support homebirth. It scares the shit out of me when I hear about someone that I or a friend knows who is considering homebirth. Belt's comment from my last post states it all so clearly...
"I was a strong proponent of natural birth/homebirth until everything that possibly could go wrong did go wrong during the course of my labor. Perhaps my decision to have a hospital birth is one of the reasons I have my son with me here today. Perhaps that was not a factor at all. I think it had to have been, as I required a c-section delivery.
There are happy home birth stories and sad home birth stories. Although there are women can rejoice in sharing a happy story, I think it is important to not let that joy detract from the very real, very sad stories that often fall on deaf or plugged ears. There are risks and uncertainties in home birth and we need to listen to the Mamas coming from a place of unwanted experience and unfortunate wisdom."
I am not saying all these things lightly, and I am not saying them without a VERY heavy heart. I simply feel the need to express once more just how seriously dangerous this choice CAN be.
Please don't tell me that homebirth is safe, that babies die in hospitals etc. As I said before, NO SHIT! My life is wrapped in a blanket of dead baby, OK? I know about ALL the ways that a baby can die, my life has been touched by this knowledge and so have the lives of many beautiful families that I now call friends, people whom I care very deeply for.
My point is this. You NEVER know what your body is going to do during labor. You just don't. You can think, you can feel so certain that you KNOW. But, you don't. Case in point, when I was in labor (going for VBAC) with Holdyn, I labored for more than 24 hours and simply could not progress past 9.5 cm. We tried all the midwifery tricks (I had CNM's), then Holdyn's heart rate dipped very low a few times. This happened after a few regular dips earlier, dips in his heart rate that were not concerning but normal. However, the last few were more alarming because I was NOT progressing and could have began to cause him distress (even though he did not show signs of this). So, we simply had to get him out, and it was not an emergency, however...when he was born we knew right away why he was not able to progress into my birth canal. My cervix had a Bandel's Ring...and Holdyn was stuck, there was no way he was going to be born vaginally.
" A Bandel's (retraction) ring develops from the physiological ring and is often -- but not always -- the result of an obstructed labor. Sometimes it can actually be seen as an abdominal indentation, signifying impending rupture of the lower uterine segment. If this should happen, death of the fetus ensues and maternal death is imminent, if nothing is done.
Immediate cesarean birth is usually carried out if this ring is seen, but usually the length of labor has been prolonged and caesarean birth is indicated anyway. CPD, or cephalopelvic disproportion, is the prime cause for an obstructed labor but, occasionally, it could be due to malposition, malpresentation, obstetric manipulations, twins, maternal fatigue and failed forceps delivery. The shape of the uterus can be normal, but this condition develops in late labor."
Now, let's move this scenario into the homebirthing world. There you are, at home, you have progressed to 9.5 cm. You stay at 9.5 cm for a good 3 hrs at least after more than 24 hrs of labor. Your baby's heart rate is steady upon each 10-15 minute check. However, in between the intermittent heart rate checks by the midwife, 2 very low dips in heart rate are missed...signs that your baby COULD soon go into fetal distress. You are then checked again, the heart rate is normal perhaps...
You are checked again...the heart rate of your baby has dropped.
You change positions, baby's heart rate is still very low....you are now in an emergency situation.
Everybody rushes in a calm manner to get you dressed and into the car, maybe you have a 5 minute ride to the hospital, maybe you have a 1/2 hr ride to the hospital. No matter how long it takes you, you have no control of what is going on within your womb, your baby is beginning to distress and this may or may not go even more down hill as you make your way to the hospital.
You see where I am going with this right?
I know that everyone wants to believe in birth, that it is always so natural and safe...that hospitals are BAD, doctors are BAD etc. All that bullshit that has been plugged into the ears of innocent believing women (I used to be one of these people!). My ears were plugged, I believed in the beauty and wisdom of my body and birth, that "My Body Knows Just What To Do". It is simply a dangerous emotional belief, a belief that so many women hold onto SO tightly that they unknowingly blind themselves into believing against their baby's best interest. Again, I WAS ONE OF THESE WOMEN.
All I am trying to say through all of this is this: Hospital/Birth Center births CAN BE a beautiful glorious place to birth. Regardless of how you end up giving birth to your child. All you MUST do is seek out the right place to give birth, meet with the staff, get to know your CNM's and the docs very well. Express over and over again WHAT YOU WANT, put your foot down about WHAT YOU ABSOLUTELY DON"T WANT. Also knowing way back in the back closet of your mind...that if your labor doesn't go in the rosey manner you had envisioned and planned so long for, that you might have to give birth via c-section. THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON HERE IS YOUR BABY!
I know that there are hospitals/birth centers out there much like the one that Birdie was born at (remember the doctor tried in vain to save her), and Holdyn...I have NO regrets that he was born via c-section. It very well could have saved his life. If I had been stupid enough to attempt another homebirth, or "freebirth" he probably would not be here right now, beautifully sleeping upon my breast.
I wonder how many more of US there are out there, but are just to scared to speak up for fear of being pounced on by the homebirthing believers? I am scared of nobody at this point, I will debate this issue until I die, and even then the memory of the event that may well have caused my daughter's death will live on.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
On My Mind
I have so very much to share, about the gallery opening this past saturday, about Holdyn, about Birdie and the topic that inevitably invades me around this time of the year. Homebirth. I think about this a lot, but a conversation that I had yesterday sort of accidentally at an Attachment Parenting group got me thinking about it heavily. There were 2 mothers there who had been lucky enough to have successful homebirths. I left with a nasty taste in my mouth and a pang in my heart. The conversation about this was light, but I felt the tears welling up as I told one of the mothers how I was so very happy that she had her baby there with her and alive, the other mother who was more gentle about the subject quietly told me when it was just me and her that she too had given birth at home, I again expressed my joy that she had her baby there with her. I explained that I could not help but feel great concern over homebirth, and for mothers who even entertain the thought of going "through" with it.
I have much more to say about this, about everything on my mind. I need to get it all out and up here, I will try to later this evening. I also have pictures of dear little Holdyn!!! 4 1/2 months! Can you believe it!
xo--Erin
UPDATE: In response to a comment from Rosegin I wrote:
NO SHIT, really babies die in hospitals too huh? That's news to me! Of course I know they die in hospital to, I know way too many parents of babies who died in hospital.
However, as the mother of a baby who died perhaps because of my poor decision (to attempt a homebirth), I do not feel it IS safe (FYI- I have heard from other mothers who have had full term loses due to homebirth as well). The whole idea behind homebirth nowadays is purely emotional and selfish, it's about the "experience".
I learned a very razor sharp lesson, IT'S NOT THE EXPERIENCE THAT IS MOST IMPORTANT, IT'S GIVING BIRTH TO A LIVE BABY! Yes, as a recovering homebirthing mother with a dead baby....I FEEL HOSPITAL IS MUCH SAFER!
This debate is rediculous! Seek out a birth center/hospital that is respectful of what you want and at the same time has the health of the baby as priority #1, I know for some these places are few and far between...but they ARE out there!
I am sick and tired of the whining about this! How about it's time for the docs and midwives to form an alliance where "Homebirth" can happen in the safety of the hospital establishment. Come on people, it's time to grow up!
I have so very much to share, about the gallery opening this past saturday, about Holdyn, about Birdie and the topic that inevitably invades me around this time of the year. Homebirth. I think about this a lot, but a conversation that I had yesterday sort of accidentally at an Attachment Parenting group got me thinking about it heavily. There were 2 mothers there who had been lucky enough to have successful homebirths. I left with a nasty taste in my mouth and a pang in my heart. The conversation about this was light, but I felt the tears welling up as I told one of the mothers how I was so very happy that she had her baby there with her and alive, the other mother who was more gentle about the subject quietly told me when it was just me and her that she too had given birth at home, I again expressed my joy that she had her baby there with her. I explained that I could not help but feel great concern over homebirth, and for mothers who even entertain the thought of going "through" with it.
I have much more to say about this, about everything on my mind. I need to get it all out and up here, I will try to later this evening. I also have pictures of dear little Holdyn!!! 4 1/2 months! Can you believe it!
xo--Erin
UPDATE: In response to a comment from Rosegin I wrote:
NO SHIT, really babies die in hospitals too huh? That's news to me! Of course I know they die in hospital to, I know way too many parents of babies who died in hospital.
However, as the mother of a baby who died perhaps because of my poor decision (to attempt a homebirth), I do not feel it IS safe (FYI- I have heard from other mothers who have had full term loses due to homebirth as well). The whole idea behind homebirth nowadays is purely emotional and selfish, it's about the "experience".
I learned a very razor sharp lesson, IT'S NOT THE EXPERIENCE THAT IS MOST IMPORTANT, IT'S GIVING BIRTH TO A LIVE BABY! Yes, as a recovering homebirthing mother with a dead baby....I FEEL HOSPITAL IS MUCH SAFER!
This debate is rediculous! Seek out a birth center/hospital that is respectful of what you want and at the same time has the health of the baby as priority #1, I know for some these places are few and far between...but they ARE out there!
I am sick and tired of the whining about this! How about it's time for the docs and midwives to form an alliance where "Homebirth" can happen in the safety of the hospital establishment. Come on people, it's time to grow up!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Breastmilk Really Is "GOLD"
I have been well aware of just how healthy breastfeeding is for my son, and how through my breastmilk I pass on immunities and antibodies. But what I have really wanted to find out is the nitty gritty of how all of this works. Exactly what and how it all goes "down" so to speak. Well, my dear breastfeeding blogger friend Sara at Custom-Made Milk makes it all clear or "milky" if you will...ha ha!
"When your child is first born, they are born with a gut that is fully open. Things pass freely through the gut to the bloodstream. This is why human breast milk is so important for human babies. Because it contains far fewer allergens than soy or milk-based formula, and because with an elimination diet it contains just as few allergens as hypoallergenic formula."
"Interestingly enough, as your nursling matures, the antibodies in the milk become MORE concentrated instead of less concentrated. Antibodies continue to pass through to the child after 6 months. They also drastically reduce the number of pathogens in the child’s digestive tract, sinuses, middle ear, etc."
The information she gives here, plus the information I get from Le Leche League etc. Is so very, very encouraging to me, encouraging for the good health I am passing to my little bunny, but also encouraging to breastfeed my "nursling" as long as he wants to, and allow him decide when he is ready to wean. For now though, I remain here in my 4 month old baby bliss, lovingly nursing my tiny miracle.
I have been well aware of just how healthy breastfeeding is for my son, and how through my breastmilk I pass on immunities and antibodies. But what I have really wanted to find out is the nitty gritty of how all of this works. Exactly what and how it all goes "down" so to speak. Well, my dear breastfeeding blogger friend Sara at Custom-Made Milk makes it all clear or "milky" if you will...ha ha!
"When your child is first born, they are born with a gut that is fully open. Things pass freely through the gut to the bloodstream. This is why human breast milk is so important for human babies. Because it contains far fewer allergens than soy or milk-based formula, and because with an elimination diet it contains just as few allergens as hypoallergenic formula."
"Interestingly enough, as your nursling matures, the antibodies in the milk become MORE concentrated instead of less concentrated. Antibodies continue to pass through to the child after 6 months. They also drastically reduce the number of pathogens in the child’s digestive tract, sinuses, middle ear, etc."
The information she gives here, plus the information I get from Le Leche League etc. Is so very, very encouraging to me, encouraging for the good health I am passing to my little bunny, but also encouraging to breastfeed my "nursling" as long as he wants to, and allow him decide when he is ready to wean. For now though, I remain here in my 4 month old baby bliss, lovingly nursing my tiny miracle.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Birdie's Story To Air On NPR
Last summer Matt and I recorded Birdie's story at the Story Corp booth when it came around. Well, Birdie's story is about to be heard by the listening public tomorrow morning. If you are able, I hope that you will also listen.
http://www.wfcr.org
I feel so much love and warmth in my heart as we near March 3, 2009.
Birdie your birthday is coming and more love is surrounding you everyday, as more people learn about you, our spirit child, the more the silence of grief is broken.
UPDATE! If you missed the on air broadcast, you can listen HERE
Last summer Matt and I recorded Birdie's story at the Story Corp booth when it came around. Well, Birdie's story is about to be heard by the listening public tomorrow morning. If you are able, I hope that you will also listen.
http://www.wfcr.org
I feel so much love and warmth in my heart as we near March 3, 2009.
Birdie your birthday is coming and more love is surrounding you everyday, as more people learn about you, our spirit child, the more the silence of grief is broken.
UPDATE! If you missed the on air broadcast, you can listen HERE
Monday, February 09, 2009
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
For My Little Bird, On Her 2nd Birthday
As some of you might remember, it has been a deep seeded wish of mine to show some or any of the photos that I/we took in hospital with Birdie, or the photos that I created from some of the hospital photos. For a long time this had seemed like a pointless pursuit, pointless in that as you all know our society is so afraid of images of dead babies, our dead baby included.
I am really blessed to have been selected to show 3 pieces in a gallery show this month (The show is called Balance: Mothers Who Create). I have K from Our Box of Rain to thank for showing me the way to the call for artists! If not for her, I never would have known about it.
So, my very dear fellow babylost mamas...some walls will be brought down very soon. Walls that keep out the truth, the terrible heartbreaking truth that babies die. I know full well how hard these images and my statement will be for many to gaze upon and read. However, it is my truth, yes, my baby died. My beautiful healthy baby died just before her life could have been saved. Now, nearly 2 years later, after many many tears have been shed, many dark hours and sleepless nights...Birdie is making her debut into the public's eye.
Birdie is making a "still" debut. She is going to break the silence for all of us and I hope that people will listen. For if they listen to Birdie's story, they listen to all our babies stories and feel the importance of remembering, loving and celebrating our children.
Please, if you are can make it out to the opening I would love to meet you and share memories of our beautiful children.
The Little Art Gallery Under the Stairs
Saturday, February 14
2:00pm - 4:00pm
LynnArts Inc., 25 Exchange Street
Lynn, MA
Happy 2nd Birthday sweet Birdie girl....you are going to be seen by the world! This is only the beginning! (Her birthday isn't until March 3rd, but the show will still be up then)
As some of you might remember, it has been a deep seeded wish of mine to show some or any of the photos that I/we took in hospital with Birdie, or the photos that I created from some of the hospital photos. For a long time this had seemed like a pointless pursuit, pointless in that as you all know our society is so afraid of images of dead babies, our dead baby included.
I am really blessed to have been selected to show 3 pieces in a gallery show this month (The show is called Balance: Mothers Who Create). I have K from Our Box of Rain to thank for showing me the way to the call for artists! If not for her, I never would have known about it.
So, my very dear fellow babylost mamas...some walls will be brought down very soon. Walls that keep out the truth, the terrible heartbreaking truth that babies die. I know full well how hard these images and my statement will be for many to gaze upon and read. However, it is my truth, yes, my baby died. My beautiful healthy baby died just before her life could have been saved. Now, nearly 2 years later, after many many tears have been shed, many dark hours and sleepless nights...Birdie is making her debut into the public's eye.
Birdie is making a "still" debut. She is going to break the silence for all of us and I hope that people will listen. For if they listen to Birdie's story, they listen to all our babies stories and feel the importance of remembering, loving and celebrating our children.
Please, if you are can make it out to the opening I would love to meet you and share memories of our beautiful children.
The Little Art Gallery Under the Stairs
Saturday, February 14
2:00pm - 4:00pm
LynnArts Inc., 25 Exchange Street
Lynn, MA
Happy 2nd Birthday sweet Birdie girl....you are going to be seen by the world! This is only the beginning! (Her birthday isn't until March 3rd, but the show will still be up then)
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
4 Months
Before I forget here are some of the developments/milestones of Holdyn at 4 months! Holy crap he's 4 months!!!
-holds his head up really well while sitting and while on his belly
-crawling with our help, he pushes against our palms, he loves it!
-is making a NEW squaky/squeak sound when he is excited/stimulated about to cry
-focusing really well on faces and objects
-easily excited by objects/facial gestures/sounds/words
-grabbing things really well when put near or in his hand
-when i try to nurse him sitting he is not so keen on this anymore, arches his back laughs a little and then cries, a good percentage of the time he prefers to be in the BabyHawk carrier to nurse and fall asleep
-he LOVES listening to Tom Brosseau to eat and or calm down, loves to bounce and or dance while listening to this music too.
-if we saw Chica Boom to him is all kinds of crazy ways, HE LOVES IT!
-he is smiling so much and giggling!
-he loves LOVES to talk! He really loves to vocalize and responds to our words and sounds, it's AWESOME!
-enjoys when Macy is nearby, loves to pat her and punch her (accidentally) and loves when she licks his hand
-he is starting to look like a baby, not so much a newborn any longer...awwwww.
-loves to stand up and walk with assistance of course, he bends his knee and knows to put his foot down on the floor! It's WILD!
-loves reading G is for 1 Gzonk, Happy Birthday To You (Dr. Seuss), The Lorax (Dr. Seuss...he loves the colors and illustrations, he reaches out to touch the pictures on the pages
-Sleeps through our wintery walks! Of course we get bundled up, so we are both warm and toasty!
-Sleeps through the night, with a few quick diaper changes of course
-Holdyn is just super!!!
Before I forget here are some of the developments/milestones of Holdyn at 4 months! Holy crap he's 4 months!!!
-holds his head up really well while sitting and while on his belly
-crawling with our help, he pushes against our palms, he loves it!
-is making a NEW squaky/squeak sound when he is excited/stimulated about to cry
-focusing really well on faces and objects
-easily excited by objects/facial gestures/sounds/words
-grabbing things really well when put near or in his hand
-when i try to nurse him sitting he is not so keen on this anymore, arches his back laughs a little and then cries, a good percentage of the time he prefers to be in the BabyHawk carrier to nurse and fall asleep
-he LOVES listening to Tom Brosseau to eat and or calm down, loves to bounce and or dance while listening to this music too.
-if we saw Chica Boom to him is all kinds of crazy ways, HE LOVES IT!
-he is smiling so much and giggling!
-he loves LOVES to talk! He really loves to vocalize and responds to our words and sounds, it's AWESOME!
-enjoys when Macy is nearby, loves to pat her and punch her (accidentally) and loves when she licks his hand
-he is starting to look like a baby, not so much a newborn any longer...awwwww.
-loves to stand up and walk with assistance of course, he bends his knee and knows to put his foot down on the floor! It's WILD!
-loves reading G is for 1 Gzonk, Happy Birthday To You (Dr. Seuss), The Lorax (Dr. Seuss...he loves the colors and illustrations, he reaches out to touch the pictures on the pages
-Sleeps through our wintery walks! Of course we get bundled up, so we are both warm and toasty!
-Sleeps through the night, with a few quick diaper changes of course
-Holdyn is just super!!!
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