Maybe the quiet space here has been so quiet because it seems impossible that 4 years have passed...so quickly. I can't wrap my head around it, nor have I been able to muster up the tears that are right there at the edges of my eyes. My eyes well up and then, I don't know. As I was telling a close friend who asked about how I was feeling about today...I WANT to go THERE. To THAT space in my mind, within the emotions that still stir there. I WANT TO FEEL the pain, the despair, the darkness. I want this for myself because it brings me backwards, it brings me back to her. Back to those moments when we had her body still there with us. We had here there, in the hospital room where we could gaze upon her beautiful face, hands, finger, toes and touch her soft skin...her hair. All of this was so important, it is still important. No, I don't want to avoid those hard places, I want to welcome them back and feel them fully. But, with these years comes a softening of one's heart, with the blessing of a miracle, a sweet subsequent one who made it here earthside, my heart has welcomed the softness.
And so I will open her "memory box" today. I will touch the small tiny fingernails, the small whisps of her strawberry blonde hair and I will look through the collection of photographs.
Birdie o Birdie we love you so! More and more with each passing year.
We love you, we miss you.
Twinkle bright my little star, watch Holdyn from afar.
