How we are getting through the days I don't know, I just don't know. Why and how am I able to post on this blog, I don't know. I do hope people have not forgotten about our baby blog...the comments have been so kind and supportive, and that is helpful for us. To have so many complete strangers send us their love and support, its just amazing. Thank you again for sending us your love and support. I am feeling physically better from the emergency C-Section. It's so hard to look at the scar, I cry when I see the scar, all I can think is that is where my darling baby Birdie was born from! For her to be born like that was the furthest from what I had wanted for her! We wanted to have her born at home, with no medical intervention whatsoever! That is not what happened, and I would be lying if I did not tell you I am outraged a bit that that is not what came to be. My little baby is not here with me right now, she was not born from me vaginally and it hurts SO F-ING MUCH! My heart is shattered, I am in pieces...and I am hurt. I have never felt such hurting before, its a hurting that does not seem to subside. Our grieving is so hard to take, SO HARD!
Yesterday I received a lovely letter from a dear friend who lost a baby in the past year to miscarriage. She lost her baby in the 2nd trimester. In her letter she told me her family is befriended to His Holiness The Dalai Lama. After the loss of her baby, someone in her family asked The Dalai Lama what to say to someone who loses a child. His response was: "Beings are only in this world to work out their Karma."
This is a very simple, yet elegant view I believe. In the moment that I read that in her letter to me, it made sense. I am holding onto this, and it helps.
There was a moment when we were still in the hospital and had Birdie, that I kind of thought something similar to what the Dalai Lama said. We had her, and I felt her move inside me....she was (still is) our baby, alive with life and energy and movement! She had 9 months with us, and we has 9 months with her...she had that time "To work out her Karma." What beautiful Karma she was able to work out. I am not a religious person, though I am spiritual in my own way, as it Matt, and I did read a lot of about Buddhism for a time. I do agree and believe in the Buddhist way...it is very simple & beautiful way to believe in. I found reading about Buddhism helped me to work through my troubles when I was hurting emotionally years ago. Perhaps I should pick these books up again. Now I am rambling on.
All in all, Birdie had life inside my womb. I know she was a happy baby and I know she felt and can still feel the tremendous love we have for her. She is such a special child...our sweet little Birdie. We think of her every time we see or hear birds singing, I hope you all will to.
Birdie we love you enormously,
Love, Mama & Papa
40 comments:
I can only imagine the pain you're experiencing. I wish I had the words to comfort you. Please know that I've shared your story with my friends and family that helped me through my loss in December, and that we have all said our prayers for you and your family and little Birdie. Thank you for including all of us strangers out in cyberspace in your life and your heart.
I have not forgotten about your baby blog whatsoever. I think about you and your family daily and pray for you daily. I can't even imagine the intense pain you must be feeling but know that I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I have not forgotten your blog at all. I found your blog a few months ago and have followed your story. I am a stranger to you, but have cried many times for you and your Birdie. I am so happy that you are celebrating her life. Like I said, I am a stranger to you, so different from you and I live a whole coast away. Even so, I think of you and your Birdie every day and have shared your story many times. I wish for you peace and comfort in whatever way you can find it. Your story has deeply touched my life.
My heart cries when I read your story. You are not forgotten. You are mother to Birdie, and you are strong for her.
There are no words of comfort that will ease the pain. Only know that there are people out here who read your story, and hold you in our thoughts as you walk the path in front of you.
I think of you often.
-MM
Erin, I think of you often . . . and don't worry, no one will forget about your baby girl.
I definitely don't think there is any sort of timeline on which you have to "feel better" or anything like that. I'm sure there will be a day when the pain is not quite so sharp, but you take your time and grieve in your own way.
Hugs to you! (And please give Macy one for me!)
Erin and Matt,
I have not given up on your blog. I've been coming on here for nine months and still come on here EVERYDAY to see how you two are doing. I feel coming on here and seeing Birdie's photos and reading your posts have helped heal this hole in my chest when I think of this unbelivable tragedy. I have cried many tears for the three of you and wish there was something, anything I could do to help you. I too am not religious but I find myself praying for you three everyday. I continue to wish you strength.
Ryan and I love you very much, please take care.
Michelle
Just wanted to let you know that I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers daily.
I can't imagine how intense your grief is but I know it only can be measured by your love for each other and your daughter.
Take care.
I have not stopped reading your blog.
Your pictures are beautiful.
What you are going through, you have so much more courage, and strength right now, than I have. It is inspiring.
For that, I thank you.
Erin,
I am one of those strangers that found your blog when you got pregnant through Babes in Blogland. As a fellow vegetarian I was drawn to your site. I though to myself ‘If she can do it I know I can have the strength to stand up to my family for what I believe in. When the time comes.’ Every week I would check to see what you had posted. To see how you had grown. When your due date came and past I check many times a day to see if your Birdie came into this world. When I read first post about Birdie I cried. I can’t even put into words how I felt. I will not stop coming to see how you and Matt are doing. Your life and Birdie’s life have touched me. My Husband also made a comment similar to His Holiness Dali Lamas when I came crying to share the news about birdie.(we are also not religious more spiritual...) He said that she was so beautiful and perfect that maybe in this life all she had to do was develop and be born to reach enlightenment. As odd as it sounds. Please know that people are here for you. And we still come for a visit.
Peace and love
Erin & Matt,
I think of you both and beautiful Birdie everyday. I hope you know I am here for you. Please know that you have so many people that love you.
xoxxxo- m
I think of you and Matt and Birdie often--maybe you can feel all of our virtual hugs.
Birdie won't ever be forgotten--by anyone. By sharing your story, your grief, your process, you're helping more families than you'd believe.
I can't imagine your grief, but know that we are grieving with you.
I think a higher power trusted you and thought enough of you to give you the honor of caring for this WONDERFUL little person for the time she needed to be here on earth. He must have known what a wonderful and caring mother you are to entrust you with such a gift. Birdie is absolutely beautiful. I know she is just as thankful for you as you are for her.
I haven't forgotten about you, and I check back often to see if you are doing okay.
What a lucky girl Birdie was to have a mom like you.
erin & matt,
i think of you both and birdie everyday. you are all loved, always. i am so amazed and thankful that you have found the strength that has always been inside you to write so openly about all that is happening. i love coming to your website to view the photos of her. She is so precious, beautiful and peaceful. through your words and images, thank you for sharing with us the incredible, beautiful and strong bond between you and your birdie. her spirit will be with you always.
hugs and all my love,
lisa
I only found you after your Birdie had passed. I read, and I cried, and my heart reached out to you, to your husband, and to your beautiful little girl.
I can't imagine what you're going through- and what little I can imagine just breaks my heart.
The line about the Karma made me well up with tears because it's so perfect and so true and beautiful.
Your little girl must have been born with the perfect karma, already ready to move on to what awaits her next.
I have no doubt that she felt the love you had for her.
I am so glad you took the photos of your family together- they are something that you will always treasure. She's a beautiful little one.
I just recently found your blog and am so terribly sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through right now. Your pictures are beautiful and I'll continue thinking and praying for you daily.
I just recently found your blog and am so terribly sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through right now. Your pictures are beautiful and I'll continue thinking and praying for you daily.
I came to your Blog from Maverick Mama. I read it the first time soon after your tragic loss. I could not comment as I had just had a m/c and was too emotional. I then lost your blog and have been searching for it for about a week. You have been in my thoughts. My heart aches for your pain, which I know is endless. I wish you peace in any form you may find it, and I wish you so much love.
Thinking of you, tears for you... Just so you know... Here I sit, in my livingroom on PEI, with tears in my eyes for your loss and pain... Your blog makes a difference. Makes people feel. Made me feel.
Hugs.
Dearest Erin and Matt...
I think of you all the time. I cry for you and with you, and am so sorry that this happened. Matts right, She is too beautiful for this world...too special... I agree with the Dali Lama, and that she was too perfect to stay in this world. My heart aches for you. Physical scars heal...and now you always have that special place in you where your baby lived and was so happy and loved. She and you have helped me to heal a deep pain and anger, that I've been carrying with me for 2 years about my sons emergency c section. She is such a light, I will never forget any of you and think of her everytime a bird sings up here in the rockies. I know she feels so loved by her Mama and Daddy.
With healing and love,
Kim
Although we don't know each other, I am crying for you and for little Birdie. She is beautiful.
I will be thinking of you and your sweet baby girl. I am so deeply sorry for your loss.
I have not forgotton about you at all. You are in my throughts through out the day and I have mention to friends so they can pray we can all pray for you and your husband through this difficult time it has to be.
You are an inspiration to us all. Keep your head up. You are and always will be a beautiful, loving mommy.
I'm so sorry. I didn't read between the lines in your birth post. I am stunned, and feel horrible for you. There are no words. I'm sorry that this is the reason I finally de-lurked on your blog. She was beautiful.
i am so incredibly sorry for your loss. i've never lost anyone close to me, so i can only imagine the pain. Birdie was simply gorgeous and i, the blog-lover, would've loved watching her grow up. if i could, i would give you guys a great big hug. you'll be in my thoughts, i hope you guys feel better soon :)
dear erin and matt
you have definately not been forgotten. i think about you daily and ask the universe to help ease your pain. when my friend lost her baby a kookaburra (aussie laughing bird) hung around her place for days. when my nan passed over a currawong came to rest outside my window for a wee while. it occassionally returns to sit on a branch outside and peer in. i believe the birds represent the spirit world. i also believe we are never dealt anything in life we can't cope with. have no fear. you are amazing wonderful people. i hope you find comfort in each other.
Erin,
It is your cousin Julie. I read your blog all the time to see how you are. I never seem to have the right words to say to you. I just want you to know that. I love you, Matt and Bairdie. I think of ya’ll all the time. Bairdie will never be forgotten. Her 9 months with you and your constant postings of her progress was an everyday reminder of her presence.
I will never look up in the sky again and not think of your little Bairdie
Love Always
Julie
Erin, I am so sorry Birdie didn't live. Your loss and grief is unfathomable and I wish these things didn't still happen. I found your blog this morning through babes in blogland and I feel very sad for you. I also had a baby that was stillborn (at 25 weeks, 2 years ago) and found my biggest support in a stillbirth blogging community that I accidently stumbled across by mere chance one desperate night. There are many mums out there (too many in fact) who have empty, aching arms, and it is strangely comforting to see you're not alone in this dark, sad place. I wish you much peace in this terrible time you have found yourself in. I can email you links to other stillbirth blogs if you feel you need for that support at this time. Much love to you. Clare
i've come to you via Clare (3 minute palaver)- and my heart is aching for you...
I'm so very, very sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm so very, very, sorry. Your little Birdie is simply beautiful and I'm just so sorry she's not with you.
Thinking of you tonight...
So sorry to hear of your terrible loss .... sending our love out to Birdie .... may she fly higher & higher.
Be kind and gentle to yourself, to each other ... know you are held and loved.
I lost my sweet Emma at birth on March 20th 2005.
from Denise in the UK.
I also wanted to say that I also had an emergency section and I found it hard seeing, feeling my scar ... but then I began to think of it as a tattoo ... a tattoo of Motherhood, being a mama.
Try thinking of it as saying Birdie was here and will be here always.
all love
Denise - in the UK
xx
I stumbled along your blog today for the very first time. I'd like to offer you my deepest and most heartfelt sympathy on the loss of your precious daughter. Her photos are absolutely beautiful. She will never be forgotten.
I am so, so sorry about your loss. Birdie is BEAUTIFUL!
Your not alone.
Erin, I linked along to your blog from others that I read. I am so incredibly sad for you and your husband. She is a beautiful baby. I'm so sorry. So so sorry.
With tears and loving thoughts, Sara
I am so sorry for the loss of you beautiful baby. I wish you and your family peace durring this time.
Checking in to see how you are today.
I also heard this today and it made me think of you and Birdie ...
" No lives that have touched, can ever be completely seperated again "
all love
Denise
xx
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful daughter.
My heart aches for you.
I am thinking of you and wishing there was something I could say to ease your pain.
you have been and will always be beautiful birdie's wonderful mama and papa. you may not feel strong all of the time, for quite some time, but you are so much stronger than others who have felt lesser pain. your words alone bear the strength of the breath of life that she left behind.
everything happens for a reason, some of us are tested more than others. you were chosen to carry her spirit into enlightenment and for that you should be proud.
every time you both breathe, she will forever breathe with you. all my love.
I know it has been a year and a half, but I just came across your blog today. You are such a strong woman. I don't know that I could make it if something were to happen to me like this. I have felt so protective of my newest babe, now 2 months old, that I couldn't even allow myself to sleep without her beside me. I cannot imagine how hard the letting go must have been for you and your husband. I am so happy that you have just had a little one and I hope you are able to hold him as much as possible. You definetaly deserve it... (((HUGS)))
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