THINKING...

about Birdie and what my life is to become under the guise of "The New Normal".
What a crappy day it is here today, this rainy gloomy weather does nothing to lift my spirits. I spent pretty much the entire day changing this blog around, giving the blog that was started because of Birdie a spring spruce up! I think it's looking pretty nice. =)

Well, I had an ok week...with the weather helping me to have an ok week. Well, that is until today, my Baby is sending us her cool tears on these days of rain and gloomy grey. On days like this I want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head and hibernate from all my emotions. On days like this I can't even tell really how I am. I just feel so sad and mopy, but I force myself to stay active...I have to! Then I get to these moments on some days, like today, like right now and I stop and make believe that I have a living breathing baby. Yes, I have a live baby like so many other mothers do! Hello reality, hello to my life. My empty arms, my heart full of love for a child that I cannot hold, that I cannot kiss that I cannot nurse. Birdie I am still here? Where are you? Birdie my sweet lovely girl, Mama still wants you to be in her belly again where you can be safe and hide from death. Oh, wait I forgot it is inside my belly that you died. I am sorry my love.

This whole new reality is so strange, its so wierd. I feel like I am just going through the motions sometimes...well more than sometimes. Here I go, I am here, alive typing on this keyboard...there I go, taking the dog for a walk...eating...sleeping..peeing...shitting...

I am doing all these things but sometimes now I don't know for what...what is doing all these things now after Birdie's death getting me? I don't mean to sound like what is the point if one has no children, but that really is how I feel. Now that I have been touched by motherhood, more like I have been brushed by motherhood...where is my prize, oh yeah...my baby girl is dead. I am so heartbroken, and what pains me even more is that I am not the only one! I can feel the pain of the many who have had to experience this. It fucking sucks and why is there not more done to prevent this, by research etc. Yes, I am pissed off and I am hating the world right now. I am entitled to this.

Birdie, I don't mean to get upset. It's just that I wish all the love I have always had for you could have somehow helped you to stay here with us. Today I couldn't even plant your tree (we got a beautiful magnolia tree to plant for Birdie today - Arbor Day). The weather is just so sad and gross. I didn't want all the lovely blossoms to fall off.

I love you so much Birdie, you are my sweet little love.
Mama