Why?
With all of the medical expertise in this world why?
Why in this country of so many specialists and so called specialized medicine can we not explain, and/or prevent so many babies from being stillborn? Maybe because there is no money to be made in finding an answer?
Why for that matter is our healthcare industry so ill with greed? How have we let this happen?
I feel so fucking helpless these days, helpless because I couldn't do a damn thing to save my own child. Helpless because my (our) government really doesn't give a shit about its own people. I have no faith in the US "government", they lie, they steal and then lie some more. Do they laugh behind all of our backs?
These days I am just so livid, I am so angry. I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY!
I want to scream, I want to go back in time and pull Birdie from my womb. Go back and just dig into my belly and rescue her precious body. I want to go back in time and not choose homebirth, I want to go back in time and save her. I miss her so much.
We are about 5 1/2 months away from her. So far from laboring with her, so far from birthing her, so far from that first moment with her, so far from touching her skin while it was still warm, so far from seeing her skin while it was still pink. We are just so far away from her....so far, so far, SO FUCKING FAR! Damnit!
Right now, in this moment as I am writing these words I feel writhing pain in my bones, in my heart. I am just broken, if you blew on me I would crumble like ash. I would crumble like Birdie's ashes....I would crumble with her.
Oh how I miss my girl, I miss her so terribly.
On days like today, when I try and stay busy and "not think"...its so easy for me to just crash. Add in some beautiful, ethereal music like Amiina, Sigur Ros and Mum and I am done for!
I feel defeated.
Time to go to the gym.
BIRDIE I LOVE YOU!
6 comments:
I've been in that place before and it doesn't take much to get me back there again. All the "what if", and "I wish I had/hadn't", and the "it doesn't make sense".
The overwhelming feeling I felt for months after Jimmy's death wasn't sadness but anger. I was angry at everyone. People with babies, my stupid f-in doctor who let me go past my due date even though she knew at 20 weeks my baby had only one umbilical artery instead of two, but most of all I was angry at myself for feeling like I failed Jimmy. I didn't, and you did not fail Birdie. You can't undo the choices you made, just like I can't go back and argue with my doctor to induce. You loved Birdie so tenderly for 9 months and you continue to love her. She knows this. I wish I could put my hand on you and pull out your anger. It only serves to hurt you. However it is totally understandable. I love to look at Birdie's pics. She's so beautiful. Your love (and DH's) is so apparent. I'm thinking about you and sending you positive, loving energy.
Yes, the gym!!!
Sometimes I feel like if I could go back and do things differently, I would....but then I think...it doesn't mean I'd end up with my desired outcome.
You are so right to feel helpless...because we are. There was nothing we could have done at the time. It was out of our hands. And to a mother..we are never helpless when it comes to our children.
You are stronger then you think. Birdie gave you so much strength and now that she is gone, the strength is still there...it is still there.
If we were closer, I'd go to the gym with you and we could get rid of the anger together
*hugs*
We are here with you. Reading your blog. Never forgetting you 3. And forever sorry for what you are going through.
Much love
I wish I knew what to say. We are thinking of you.
Erin,
It's good to feel angry at the people who deserve our anger, like the governments who ignore stillbirth, who fund no research, who care not at all for our pain.
But sweetie, please don't blame yourself or your decision to homebirth. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time, all anyone could do.
Babies die in homebirth and they die in hospital. The place isn't as important as the people around us, the professionals we trust to take care of us and diagnose problems ahead of time. Doctors, hospitals that have no transfer plans, and others, they let you and your family down.
Take care of yourself hon. Take care.
Erin- I can only agree with the others and say I'm angry with you. I wish you could go back too and save Birdie. That hospital is all to blame. I hope past 5 months have given them time to shape up their policies. Big Big Hugs!
Post a Comment