I don't have a heading nor a title for this post. I have been taking a lot of time to think.
Thinking about the moment that I knew Birdie was gone and the future with her that we have lost. All the memories that we hoped to have, watching her grow and smile, giggle and sing!
Thinking about the heaviness of how much we have gone through emotionally and physically before Birdie died and since.
I am stunned, and sometimes in disbelief that Matt and I have come as far as we have. You know, it sounds so wierd to have to even say that! We have had to come to where we are because there is no other choice, no alternative!
A very close friend of our's whose first child died while she was in labor 4 years ago recently said something to me that resinatets within me when I sit very quiet and still, and think on the events that lead up to my quiet moments. She said:
"If someone had asked me if I would be able to handle the death of my baby, I would have told you NO! There is no way that I could handle that"
Those aren't her exact words, but very close.
If this question had been proposed to me, I would most deffinately told you NO FUCKING WAY could I handle the death of our child. No way would I come out of this without going in.sane. No way would I come through this grief journey with a sound mind.
Maybe getting to this place is our minds way of protecting us, not allowing us to stay in that very dark place forever. For some I don't think it is the case, if I was not of a sound mind to begin with maybe I would not be here, but still there wallowing in the dark, in the shadows of what was supposed to be.
It has been quiet here on Birdie's blog as to give lots of room to what would have been her 6 month celebration. I wanted to allow the words and thoughts surrounding her 6 months to resonate, to simmer, to live on.
Somehow I am doing ok. I will be honest when I tell you that I am living with a happy state of mind, and I don't know how this has come to be. Other than maybe it is because I have chosen to keep my memories of Birdie alive, and not shut them off or turn them away. I choose to stare at photographs of her, and breakdown and weep, I choose to think long and hard about her, I think about her birth all the time. She is always on my mind. I am still crying for her, I am still grieving.
However, the grief has begun to transform.
Perhaps the grief has transformed because we chose to give in to, and gave way of the darkness that we knew so well for so long. Or maybe it is the hope that we have for our future child. Perhaps it is simply the time we have allowed ourselves and each other to really grieve, to be raw with our emotions and accept all that came and still comes with them.
We have done a lot of hard grief work these last 6 months, and we have found some light...some solace.
The grief curtain continues to lift, and it will keep on lifting....and on the other side what will we find?
I don't thing the curtain to lift all the way, and I really don't want it too. I always want some of my grief to resonate, I always want to remember what we have experienced and how it felt. It is my connection to Birdie. My love, my grief and lots and lots of photographs. It is all so important, true undeniable reminders of where we were, and who we have become.
My heart is wide open to my grief, it is wide open to my deepest love for our daughter, and wide open to our future child.....and that child will know all about his or her sister, Birdie will not ever be a secret to hide. No! She is a treasure to behold.
10 comments:
Wow Erin, that was such a beautiful, inspiring post to read. Thank you :) Thank you also for allowing us to watch you go through this...it has given me so much growth as a woman and a mom. I sit with tear filled eyes, so thankful that your Birdie helped change and mold me. It's a truly beautiful thing. Thank you Erin and Matt, thank you...
Erin, not a day goes by when you, Matt and Birdie are not in my thoughts. I am so touched by your openness with your grief. I love that you gave some space to celebrating Birdie's 6 months. Every day I see you and your beautiful daughter and just breathe in the strength you and so many of the other parents suffering losses demonstrate. I wish you continued healing.
I love this post, because you put into words many of my own feelings.
I remember at one support group meeting, a long term mom asking me how I was doing. My answer to her was okay, the grief seems to have changed shape. I love how you refer to it as tranformation.
I love how you say Birdie is not a secret to hide. I feel exactly the same way. M is my treasure. The other day, I said to Mr. G, "baby girl is not an only child" He looked at me like I had lost it, and said, "um, yeah, no kidding" I told him, I just need to say it outloud, as a reminder, no one will ever be allowed to say she is, because she will always know about her brother too.
Now I'm babbling, but this post really touched me and captured my own feelings well.
I don't know if we'll ever stop grieving. An elderly relative wrote me such a sweet kind letter that even as she didn't mention it, I suspected she intimately understood my pain. And I've seen in historical sources remnants of lost infants in their parents' memories years, even decades later. I wouldn't have thought I could "handle" this either, and I'm still not sure what that would mean. But for me it means I've gone on living, even through those moments when I wish I didn't have to. For the sake of my husband, my family, and now, this new baby.
Birdie's sibling should know about her. She's beautiful. I think a lot about Julia's daughter's picture that included her brother A. Our subsequent children won't know of their lost siblings so intimately, but I think that they'll sense the absence even if we don't tell them. It's a tribute to our love for all of our children to acknowledge each of them.
Birdie's Mama,
This is truly a lovely post. I think the way that you have and DH have worked through these difficult 6 months is a tribute to Birdie and testament to what great parents you are. I agree, I never want to "be over it".. not that I could. I am glad that you are finding a place that allows you to parent Birdie in your way, live with the sorrow of not having her with you in the traditional way (I say that because she is with you..just not in the way living children are), and to continue to be strong for your future. I agree, she is a treasure. I often come here just to look at your pictures. I only have one picture of Jimmy and I wish I had more. For some reason looking at your pics allows me to have a release. I can feel the love and the pain so present in that room. I know you will continue to grow stronger and Birdie will burrow deeper and deeper into your heart until she becomes one with it. I look forward to reading about your journey.
Erin- beautiful post. Thinking of you and Birdie. You're both always on my mind too. Hugs.
Erin, Your strength and love for your family never ceases to amaze me. You are a beautiful person and so inspirational. I feel that you have taught us all so much with your honesty. Thanks you so much for sharing your beautiful baby and journey with us.
Love and peace to you and DH
Nessa
Erin, this was such a beautiful post. My heart still aches for you and Matt, and sweet little Birdie.
I so admire you for your strength, and more importantly, your honesty. We are so blessed to 'know' you and to have been with you through this dark journey. Your strength is inspiring.
Such a touching post. I too remember that feeling - that there was no way I could handle the loss of my child. But some how, we're doing just that. I also refuse to let Sara be forgotten, to become a secret, she will be remembered, we'll tell her brother about her.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for a lovely post. I am glad that you are working through your grief. Almost two years after my son died, someone told me that they admired my strength because if it happened to her, she would never be able to get out of bed. I said exactly what you posted - I have no choice.
Thank you again for your inspiring post.
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