So Ultimately Sad.
There are so many reasons for what I feel right now, such utter and gutteral sadness. Some times the negatives in my life become way to overwhelming for me. Well of course they take me over, and I get knocked down. I get knocked down and it takes me a little bit to get back up. The two most recent losses of people that I know have really thrown me, and tossed my emotions. I don't know how to help these dear people and I want to so much.
For my own reasons I feel I have been bowed over in a way again. You see last week I had a dream that I gave birth to another baby, a live baby. This birth was very different from Birdies, it was quick and unnatended, not even my dearest Matt was there.
I don't know what to make of that. From where I sit right now yet another negative leaves me feeling heartbroken and at a loss. I really could use some hope right now, I really really could. I am trying to be positive about the future, but I don't want to wait for the future, I want that future now. I want to be closer to a miracle than the distance away that I am at right now.
But really, I just don't want my reality. I just want that sweet little girl who was born of my body on March 3rd 2007. Why can't I just have that miracle and hold her in my arms.
Today I feel beaten and broken.
4 comments:
I think that one of the hardest things for me, is the lack of hope.
I hope, I truly hope, that you will have some of that in your life, very soon. Beaten and broken is a hard place to be and I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope tomorrow feels better. Sending you lots of love.
Hope. We are nothing without it. I really wish you had it, Birdies mom. I wish it could be found somewhere in all of this sadness and heartache.
As I read your post, I was reminded of the lyrics from that very overplayed, moderately annoying, song by Chumbawumba???, "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down." I'm not sure I want to get up again. A reality of no guarantees does not sound hopeful to me. But I know I can't stay down here forever. It's not in me. There is hope in that, maybe.
I am thinking of you and wishing you could hold the miracle you birthed that day. I really, really do. XO.
Having such vivid dreams about future babies is so hard. I find it leaves me yearning for that future now but then feeling beaten by the realisation that I have so much to get through to get there. Will I ever get there?
Then while thinking that I get thrown back to not wanting this alternative future but the one I've been denied. It sometimes feels like I'm being pulled in a multitude of directions all at once. That's when I too end up feeling broken.
Watching loved ones go through losses now is hard, not only not knowing what we can do for them, but also the fact that it reaffirms what we already know. None of this is easy.
I hope tomorrow feels better for you too.
I'm so sorry for those other losses. It is so heartbreaking that this continues to happen.
As for the future..well, she and I are not friends. I cannot depend on her at all.
As for the hope. We have been through the darkness...we have been to hell and back several times and the only thing that keeps us going is the little hope that tomorrow or next week or next year will be different.
I hope you are going to do something special to ring in the New Year's..I'm hoping for a better year at least
Thinking of you...
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