Original Due Date
(please take note that this might be a hard post for some to read)
I have had a post in me for some time now, but just couldn't seem to find all of the words to fill in the space. I remember how giddy we were this time last year, so full of love and excitement for what we thought was to come. February 23rd was the "due date" I had been given so many months earlier. I grew so large that I was feeling pretty confident that labor would begin around that date. Then the days edged on and no sign of labor could be found. Birdie was not ready. Oh how I wish she had been.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about kick counting, and yes though she was moving around a good bit I was not really being all that aware, nor was I taking notes and writing how many times she kicked within each hour of the day. Now, I really struggle with this. I really really struggle with this because while we were asked if she was moving, we weren't ever instructed to take close note about how many kicks I was feeling. If I had only been MORE AWARE of the importance of this, if only I had not been so dumb and naive. It's one of the many "what if's" that live in my head now.
It is so true that Birdie was a big girl, though she had been estimated to way 8 lbs not 9. So, as a big baby she would be bound to move less and this made sense. However, now when I look back I really can see that she moved much less, and I am pretty sure that this was the case days before I went into labor. Again, there was no cause for concern, I was not kick counting and "big babies don't move around as much".
So, February 23rd came and went....and the days came and went.....and the underlying danger was beginning to brew. Yes, danger. I feel in hindsight that Birdie was in danger, she was a huge baby who was not moving all that much. I regret not just thinking, well I could go to the Birth Center Midwives and have a NST, why don't I just go ahead and do that. If only.
Also on my mind is that stupid fucking "Trust Birth" conference. It is driving me crazy to know that many women are going to come together in naive harmony to coo over the safety of birth, the safety of homebirth, the safety of free birth. I cannot help but to feel ill over this. I once was one of those naive people, I totally 100% believed in birth as safe, that though I knew that there could be risk I was dumb and I pretty much ignored the risk. I was selfish and stubborn and lead to believe that homebirth was safer than birthing in hospital.
Now, living on the complete other end of that spectrum I can no longer subscribe to that naive way of thinking and feeling. My perspective has changed. I have changed. Yes, I know that babies die in hospital too....but, but, why not be in a place that "could" try to save your baby if something did suddenly go wrong, and BELIEVE ME THINGS CAN AND DO SUDDENLY GO VERY VERY WRONG!
Birdie, poor sweet Birdie didn't have a chance. All signs pointed to hell that early morning, and I cannot help to think that things could have been different if I had not let my selfish and naive self get in the way of what was and should ALWAYS be most important, the LIVE birth of one's child.
It makes me crazy when some people who are pro-homebirth are so blind that they cannot see this. Just because you might birth in hospital does not mean you HAVE TO give into the bells and whistles, or that you will be confined and strapped into a hospital bed. It does not mean you and your baby will be jabbed with needles and rendered helpless like some frankenstien woman in labor. Give me a fucking break. It is ridiculous to think that way, and I have read blogs where that is pretty much the thought process.
How about a conference that is all inclusive, and not just a private club for the naive at heart? How about a conference where there are not only celebrity homebirth mothers (R. Lake), and free birth mothers. How about a conference where those mothers and mothers who had chose to homebirth or free birth and who's babies died as a result come together. "Hi, my name is Erin and I was once as naive as you all". "I attemped a homebirth, and unexpectedly my babies heart rate bottomed out", "it was a nightmare and it only got worse, she died".
I can't help myself, I feel so angry and upset that people who I have been trying to reach out to about this just don't get it. I am afraid for them because they are putting their own selfish nature in front of what is best for baby.
I know deep down that my body knew how to birth Birdie, I know this. So, I am trying to work on the guilt that I feel about her dying in my womb. However I will NEVER EVER forgive myself for the choice I made to have a home birth. It's like I convinced myself it was ok, so many babies have been born at home for so many years, blah blah blah. SO WHAT if babies have been born at home for years and years, that doesn't matter. All that matters is that the baby is safe, all that matters is if something suddenly is not ok that there is help RIGHT THERE to try and SAVE THE BABY!
All that matters, all that should matter is the baby. Not how the baby is born, but that the baby is born ALIVE.
p.s. for all of you who are pregnant, PLEASE do kick counting.
18 comments:
Erin I can not tell you how much you have taken all my thoughts and put them on paper. I was right there with you, a naive first time mom convinced that home birth was the answer. Fearful of going into hospital for what they would do, the interference the jabs the whatever.
I too was not told enough about kick counting. Like Birdie his movements slowed in the last few days. I thought and was told it was normal, 8lb baby, not much room, nearly time to give birth. Normal.
I could get so angry at myself, and I do frequently.
I truly believe that if I'd had a c-section or been induced earlier he would be here with me now.
My midwives said that I could still have another home birth and didn't have to go through any medical interference next time if I didn't want to. I just stared at them in disbelief. I told them that as far as I was concerned they could stick needles in my eyes as long as my baby comes home alive next time.
For me it's just not worth the risk not to be in hospital and I am going to be kick counting crazy when the time comes.
None of that knowledge brings my beautiful little man back.
I'm so sorry Erin, it's so hard living with these thoughts. I know a number of women due at the same time, with the same opinions as me on home birth. They have all had their babies at home and they were fine. They would probably say their decision was the right one. I just don't think it is any more.
Erin, when your next baby comes (and he/she will!) my honest opinion is that maybe it is best if you give birth in a hospital . . . not necessarily because I think lightning could strike twice, but because you now know that you and Matt make big babies. And seeing as how you are pretty darned petite, who knows if you might need some medical intervention. Plus, there are birthing centers out there where you can have somewhat of a home environment and still have a doctor on call, right? Of course, I am talking out of my ass because I have never given birth. I got my baby girl the same way your mama got you. :-)
You weren't "dumb" and "naive." In fact, I recall that you did a lot of research and gave every nuance of your pregnancy a lot of thought. Don't let the guilt swallow you up. You don't deserve that.
Oh, Erin, I wish I could say something to remove the guilt.
I am so so sorry, that Birdie isn't with you. It's so wrong, so unfair. You are so brave to have written all of this - I don't agree that you are to blame. But I am glad that you're confronting all of these feelings. The year mark is so, so hard. Not that the 13 month mark is all that lovely either. I will be thinking of you and holding Birdie in my heart in the coming weeks. I know you and Matt will be there for one another, and that you're love for each other, Birdie, and her as-yet unknown sibling will guide you through.
Much love to you, Sara/Beruriah
I love you. I'm sure this time is bringing up emotions that you haven't had for a little while. All the "what ifs" seem to be eating at you. My SIL just lost her baby today, and I find myself feeling empty and answerless again. I'd love to have the answers, the magical "feel better" potion, but there are things much bigger then me in this universe and I am to remain clueless and helpless. I pray that she and her husband can find peace and shelter with each other like you and Matt have. I can honestly say that I'm sure Jay and I couldn't* have held it together like you guys have. Your relationship is so beautiful and inspiring. Take care Erin, and blessings to you as you get through this time.
*I had to re-post because I accidently typed "could" when I meant "couldn't" sorry :(
10:16 PM
I can imagine it's so hard to not know if things for Birdie would have been different had you given birth in the hospital. Of course what you went through is the hardest of all. What I do know from reading thus far that you have done everything you thought was the very, very best for Birdie and that is what we do as mothers. Having worked as a nurse in the OB/nursery dept. years ago I do have to agree with you as far as giving birth in a hospital. But that doesn't mean I think you are to blame for Birdies death at all. I think I mentioned in some other post I've seen babies die in the hospital setting also. But like you said in other words IF something would happen that medical help intervening would save a life that is the route to take. I'm not even sure how to put this but think it's such a good thing that after what you have been through to try and get the word out that even though home birth can be wonderful it's not worth the risk and hopefully you can help some others see that. Had I not worked in the hospital who knows where I would have chosen to give birth, I'm a baby nut and that is why I worked in the nursery and learned a lot I never ever would have thought of. What I hope for you is to let go of your guilt, you would have never ever done anything to harm your dear daughter. Hospitals these days are wonderful at honoring a mom's request as much as they can keeping the health of baby and mom in mind. Prayers for your healing and better times ahead.
thank you all for saying the things you have said. it's hard to continue to carry with me the guilt that i still feel, this guilt that is really starting to come up again as March 3rd comes closer. i can't avoid it, it is what is is. i know that i should not blame myself, but its just that damn what if i hadn't become hell bent on home birth, what if i hadn't talked and talked with Matt about it. all that and the what if we hadn't decided on homebirth. the birth center where we had first planned on was perfectly fine, very nice and totally into natural child birth...they are not into intervention unless its needed.
this is a really fucked up place to be in mentally. to see these things in hindsight is so intense.
Megan (supermomnah, can you email me about your SIL, can you please share what happened with me. i would like to reach out to her when she is ready...or to tell her of places that she and her husband can receive the support that they need.
It's too bad that you can't go to the trust birth thing and share your experience in some Q&A event - they must have them. I think it would be good for you to share in a larger forum than the blog.
I know the leaden burden of guilt - the should haves, the what ifs, the agony of feeling, deep down, that you should have been able to protect your child.
But you did the best you could at the time.
Please be gentle with yourself. I'm thinking of you.
I totally get regret. The first time around, I felt a little cheated because my water broke and I didn't have any contractions so I was induced from nothing (no dillation, no contractions) to full blown on labor. I ended up getting an epidural which I was planning on doing it without. But since I couldn't build up my pain tolerance (because induction gives you full on contractions two min a part from the start) i was exhausted after 8 hours of hard labor (and I wasn't progressing)
So the second time around, I would let it happen naturally, damnit.
But now I fear I waited too long. A week before, my doctor was going out of town and asked me if I wanted to be induced and I said no, I'll wait it out.
Next time, I will definitely want to be induced early, and who knows, I may end up getting an epidural.
As long as I get a live baby, I don't care.
I didn't really do kick counting, but noticed that she had slowed down in the final days (she too was kinda big--which is a little odd, don't you think?)
my first was 6lbs 14oz and Jessica was a 8.5. I have a theory about the wharton's jelly and the cord (another reason I want to be induced a little early)
I think the thing is that we will always have regrets, it's just figuring out a way to let them not eat you up inside.
I hope all of us can find some peace, somehow with the past.
I know something that sticks with me is "we accept the things we cannot change"
I'm sure the added stress of TTC isn't helping the one year anniversary either. You have every right to have such an influx of emotions right now. There are so many things you are dealing with right now.
I'm thinking of you all and hoping for a peaceful anniversary.
Birdie looks so peaceful in her pictures. I think that struck me the most.
oh and p.s. I tagged you!!! ( you could use some mindlessness, right?)
Erin, I really believe that back then when you were pregnant with Birdie you made all the best choices and did the best you could with what you knew then. Hindsight is a horrible thing when thinking about dead babies BUT you need to remind yourself that the whole time you were carrying Birdie, you were making the best choices for you and Birdie with the information you had at hand. YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD at that point in your life. You believed in Homebirth then and you believed you were giving Birdie the safest birth you could. You did have her interests at heart. YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE THE OUTCOME. You always wanted the best for Birdie. I know that because you only ate organic and gave her so much love. and I know you will do the best you can to carry and birth Birdie's sibling with all the best knowledge and experience you have now. Please believe me Erin, What happened to Birdie isn't your fault.
sending Hugs your way.
xclare
Erin, I, too, wish so much you could let go of the guilt. The pain of loss is bad enough without it. You did what you thought was best. And, truthfully, that day and night was full of bad coincidences all together leading to the terrible outcome.
I know that conference angers you, and makes you feel invisible, and fills you with dread for all the families that might come after you and become invisible too. And I know it makes you want to do something. But maybe now, with the anniversary days upon you, it would be kinder to yourself to try to leave it be. For now. I know it's easier said than done, and it is not easy for me to put things out of my mind either. It's just that there are so many thoughts and feelings about you, and Matt, and Birdie coming on now that maybe the conference is a distraction? Like I said, it may be impossible not to think about it. I just wish it didn't occur now, at this very hard time for you.
It's so horrible to think about the what ifs and the things that we could have done differently. I think we all have at least some small amount of unwarranted guilt. Still, I know that you would have done anything and everything possible to keep Birdie safe.
I think, as you say, that people are just so used to having births end up with live babies that they've forgotten how dangerous pregnancy and birth really are. I'm so sad for all of us that we had to learn that things don't always work out the way we had hoped and planned.
What everyone else said....i hope you can let go of some of the guilt. Hospital or not, there are no guarantees. Doctors & midwives rarely seem to tell anyone to do kick counts...noone told me, and that was probably the only thing which might have saved Nicolas.
I am thinking of you and Birdie as her day approaches....
I promise to tell all my patients to do kick counts.
my heart is with you.
your healing is still in progress and i honor that. we all must.
birth is important. death is important. and both are sometimes messy, raw, honest, and tough.
i wish you still had your birdie earthside.
but now she sings outside my window under the glowing desert sun. how humbled i am to hear her.
xoxo
I was born at home. My mother was a homebirthing midwife, and I attended over 250 births with her as a kid, and wanted to have a home birth myself, but my first child was born one day after my water broke at only thirty-five weeks, and so of course we went to the hospital for that birth. My baby came out gray and not making a sound, but after several minutes' energetic work on the part of the NICU team, gave a weak but pissed-off bellow that was the sweetest sound I'd ever heard--I remember the baby coming out, and seeing the pale, sad color of the tiny face, and hearing my husband say "why isn't the baby crying? How come I don't hear anything?" and thinking "please, baby, please..." and then that weak little sound and oh, I changed my mind about home birthing right then and there when they tried to bring the baby to me and then had to take the baby right back because without oxygen we were back from pink to gray...both of my subsequent children were born in the hospital. The second one because once again I went at thirty-five weeks (although that was a wonderful birth experience--my doctor guided my hands and helped me deliver the baby myself and let me keep my newborn on my belly with an oxygen mask for a few minutes until it became apparent that the baby did need some help). The third one I went to term, and COULD have finally had my home birth, but my two quiet babies made me return to the hospital, where number three's heart bottomed out into the 60s when I started pushing. The head was almost out when this happened, and so my OB/GYN gave me my first-ever episiotomy (and I was PISSED...right up until she showed me the monitor strip) and pulled the child out, and with that one I finally got to hear the loud, healthy screams of a full-term and thoroughly aggravated little baby. I am so, so glad I ended up giving birth in the hospital, even if I didn't get my "dream" birth, because I know from experience and now from your blog that it's not a "dream" birth unless everyone is safe in the end. Yes, the vast majority of home births have happy endings, and the rate of complications is (arguably) lower. But when you're that 1% then I guess you don't really care how great it was for the other 99, no? I'm both sad and glad to hear that you're going with the hospital for your second birth, and am confident that you, too, will get to finally hear the sweetest sound in the world when the time comes.
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