This Different Spring
I can still remember so clearly how I felt this time last year. My heart still very newly shattered into a million pieces and then thrown back at my face. The tears did fall from my eyes every day this time last year, and the incredible longing for the flesh of my daughter was still so raw and un-graspable. Even now as I sit any write these words my eyes are welling as I still can remember those feelings so instantly, so closely. My sweet little bird I still don't know where you have flown to, but I am certain that it must be a beautiful place. I still long for you and your sweet baby body, those sweet little lips that turned from pink to a deep purple hue. Your gentle hands that seemed to grasp our fingers when we put them within your palm. It's all still so very real, and so fresh.
I don't know what I will do if we can't have this baby that right now, this minute grows within me. The thought of not being able to keep this baby and watch this child grow tears me apart. I have become really scared over the weekend over this damn Hypothyroid shit. I am scared that I will be one of those people who doesn't get to keep their baby because of a high FreetT4 count. I am scared to hear what the results are of the blood work. Maybe by some miracle all my counts are back to "normal". I wish right now that I could see into the future, that this pregnancy is going to go really well, that I will be lucky enough to birth a live baby and hold this baby and hear this baby SCREAM! If ever there was anything I ever wanted, it is that.
What an intense life that I am living right now. Grieving the baby that we so very much wanted with us and now carrying the baby that we so much want and hoping with all hope that this baby makes it. I carry on through the day like a somewhat normal person, but underneath that is what I am thinking about. The desire to have this baby is so huge that it is just beyond anything that I can really explain to any normal person.
However, deep down all this hope really doesn't mean shit. It doesn't mean anything because really we have no control, we have no control and what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? The universe took Birdie from us, and I can't let that happen again, it just can't happen again.
3 comments:
I cannot imagine what you are having to deal with right now. I am thinking of you, and I hope my happy thoughts help you on your way to a happy, beautiful childbirth.
Erin-I hope you were able to read the information I sent you over the weekend. There is a lot of information out there to read, but I think that report is the most comprehensive and has all the info in one place. Based on the TSH number you gave me you are hypothyroid, but at this point it is still mild enough to be brought under control rapidly with the right medications and careful manipulation of your diet. I just really hate to see you getting so worried over this. Strees is a big cause of thyroid issues and you have already had so much. Be proactive! Call the doctor's office and ask if your results are in. The sooner you can get treatment, the soooner you will be able to rest at least a little easier. Good luck-Stephanie
I'm thinking peaceful thoughts for you. This may sound like an odd offer, but if you ever would like information from medical journals (which can be very thorough at times), please let me know. I have access to an array of articles and would be happy to pull some research together for you.
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