absent minded of Birdie.
I cried myself to sleep last night with my arms embracing and cuddling my sweet little Holdyn. I cried before I slept because I had forgotten to honor and remember someone very special to me on Christmas...Birdie.
WHAT THE FUCK!
How could I allow myself to become so lost and forget to even buy her a little gift? How could I allow everyone else to remain silent about her absence and not remember that she was missing from our celebration? How soon people forget. But SHIT, what the fuck is MY problem. I did nothing what so ever to honor my sweet little angel baby. I am reeling over this, I can't forgive myself for this one.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Holdyn Is Delicious (Holdyn at 2.5 Months nearly 11 Weeks)
Actually I feel like this an understatement. My beautiful little man is so much more than delicious, I can't quite think of the right word right now. Well, I knew it would happen...he is growing, he is getting more and more chubby and longer. It's sometimes hard for me to see this when I am with him all the time.
What a joy he is, my heart is pretty much all a flutter all the time. It really is amazing how much healing he has brought to my broken darkened heart. My mind feels much more clear since his birth, that curtain that began to rise and let in light around this time last year is now fully risen. The light that now resides in my heart is so bright and shining. I never thought I would be able to say that, or feel like I do. For me, time has brought healing, and through my second chance at pregnancy and giving birth I feel a renewal.
Holdyn is my radiant light, he is my healer.
In the last few weeks, and recent days he has begun to give big smiles, they are almost giggly sometimes. He is also cooing so beautifully, and he has been repeating a sound that sounds like "A Gee". It's really so sweet, I repeat it to him and he smiles so lovingly. Holdyn is also beginning to prefer to sit up and look around at different things, lights, photos, he really fixates on things and it's so neat to watch him in amazement. He's thriving. Holdyn is just such a content, happy, joyful little man! The only time he get's upset is sometimes at bedtime, he get's so mad and cries and cries. It breaks my heart. Sometimes rocking soothes him, sometimes bouncing and singing to him on the excercise ball works. What has worked for you?
Actually I feel like this an understatement. My beautiful little man is so much more than delicious, I can't quite think of the right word right now. Well, I knew it would happen...he is growing, he is getting more and more chubby and longer. It's sometimes hard for me to see this when I am with him all the time.
What a joy he is, my heart is pretty much all a flutter all the time. It really is amazing how much healing he has brought to my broken darkened heart. My mind feels much more clear since his birth, that curtain that began to rise and let in light around this time last year is now fully risen. The light that now resides in my heart is so bright and shining. I never thought I would be able to say that, or feel like I do. For me, time has brought healing, and through my second chance at pregnancy and giving birth I feel a renewal.
Holdyn is my radiant light, he is my healer.
In the last few weeks, and recent days he has begun to give big smiles, they are almost giggly sometimes. He is also cooing so beautifully, and he has been repeating a sound that sounds like "A Gee". It's really so sweet, I repeat it to him and he smiles so lovingly. Holdyn is also beginning to prefer to sit up and look around at different things, lights, photos, he really fixates on things and it's so neat to watch him in amazement. He's thriving. Holdyn is just such a content, happy, joyful little man! The only time he get's upset is sometimes at bedtime, he get's so mad and cries and cries. It breaks my heart. Sometimes rocking soothes him, sometimes bouncing and singing to him on the excercise ball works. What has worked for you?
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
I'm On Demand, I Mean My Breasts Are...And I'm NOT Complaining!
I LOVE it! I Wouldn't have it ANY other way!
Today our little sweetheart is 10 weeks. He is so very yummy!
Holdyn is doing so well, he is such a thriving little baby. At his 2 month check-up he weighed in at 12lbs 3oz! He's just great, and so am I, I mean that I am feeling really good, and happy to be losing some weight!
I want to share with you something that has been eating at me a little for a while (no pun intended!). Every once in a while people in my life have made comments about my feeding Holdyn (or holding/wearing him so much). Usually just little comments like, "He's hungry again?", "He just ate". Or something like that. It's hard for me to hear these things, especially after losing Birdie. It's getting more annoying to have people asking me this. YES! he is hungry OK? I know the sounds, the cry and the grimace he makes when he's hungry. Yes, he gets to eat when he is hungry, yes maybe I am a human pacifier too, and that is OK! Hearing this has started to make me question my intuition and my mothering, and I don't want to be made to feel like this. He's my son and I will feed him on demand for as long as he wants to nurse. I will also wear/hold him as much as possible until he no longer wants to be! I will listen to my intuition about this, hell I will listen to my intuition about everything when it comes to Holdyn. It's heartbreaking to have my judgement questioned like that.
How do I nicely say this to someone? How do I remind them that I was robbed of all of this with Birdie? I feel like this alone should stop them from their comments or questioning. I am his mother, not you, and so I am making the right decisions for my sweet little baby.
Have you had to deal with this? How did you handle it calmy?
10 Week photos coming soon!
I LOVE it! I Wouldn't have it ANY other way!
Today our little sweetheart is 10 weeks. He is so very yummy!
Holdyn is doing so well, he is such a thriving little baby. At his 2 month check-up he weighed in at 12lbs 3oz! He's just great, and so am I, I mean that I am feeling really good, and happy to be losing some weight!
I want to share with you something that has been eating at me a little for a while (no pun intended!). Every once in a while people in my life have made comments about my feeding Holdyn (or holding/wearing him so much). Usually just little comments like, "He's hungry again?", "He just ate". Or something like that. It's hard for me to hear these things, especially after losing Birdie. It's getting more annoying to have people asking me this. YES! he is hungry OK? I know the sounds, the cry and the grimace he makes when he's hungry. Yes, he gets to eat when he is hungry, yes maybe I am a human pacifier too, and that is OK! Hearing this has started to make me question my intuition and my mothering, and I don't want to be made to feel like this. He's my son and I will feed him on demand for as long as he wants to nurse. I will also wear/hold him as much as possible until he no longer wants to be! I will listen to my intuition about this, hell I will listen to my intuition about everything when it comes to Holdyn. It's heartbreaking to have my judgement questioned like that.
How do I nicely say this to someone? How do I remind them that I was robbed of all of this with Birdie? I feel like this alone should stop them from their comments or questioning. I am his mother, not you, and so I am making the right decisions for my sweet little baby.
Have you had to deal with this? How did you handle it calmy?
10 Week photos coming soon!
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Sister and Brother
Their likeness is undeniable.
I have a lot on my mind these days. Birdie has nestled herself back into my thoughts, not that I had stopped thinking about her, no not at all. After Holdyn was born I was so beside myself with amazement that he was actually ALIVE and obviously my mind was overtaken with him. I am still in that AMAZED state of mind everyday and I probably always will be as long as I live. After many days of feeling a little confused about how to find a new way to integrate Birdie and Holdyn into my life, together as brother and sister I feel like it has happened, the puzzle piece is clicked into place. I can't really explain how it's working, I just know that it is.
By the way, Holdyn stares at pictures of Birdie. It's pretty amazing to see, he really fixates on her.
FYI, I am typing with TWO hands! Holdyn is right here with me, sleeping peacefully upon the nursing pillow right up close to me....the best place for him to be! I just can't get enough of him, he is just delish! I am still wearing him all the time, and I am so glad that we started wearing him when we did because he might not have gotten to like it. Anyways, he likes it so very much, how cuddly it is to be so close to each other, it's such a euphoric feeling for me. Not to mention how healing it feels and I know how nurturing and loving it is for my boy. Only the best for my boy! (PLUS, during the winter months aka "Cold Season", wearing him keeps him at a distance from people who might have yucky germs that could make him sick! Ahhhh baby wearing it ROCKS!!!)
What's kind of funny about wearing him is when we take Macy for a walk. We live in a small city that is shall I say...not so enlightened, or exposed to such things as baby wearing. So, I am sure when people see a big lump in my coat, they are lauphing or saying WTF is that, or what the hell is wrong with that woman? Anyway, I am speculating all of this of course, but I have gotten a few strange looks.
This past weekend we went and got a tree...you know the kind you hang ornaments on and put presents under? We didn't do the holidays last year, but this year we are happy to celebrate and be with family.
Here are some photos to feast on!
Their likeness is undeniable.
I have a lot on my mind these days. Birdie has nestled herself back into my thoughts, not that I had stopped thinking about her, no not at all. After Holdyn was born I was so beside myself with amazement that he was actually ALIVE and obviously my mind was overtaken with him. I am still in that AMAZED state of mind everyday and I probably always will be as long as I live. After many days of feeling a little confused about how to find a new way to integrate Birdie and Holdyn into my life, together as brother and sister I feel like it has happened, the puzzle piece is clicked into place. I can't really explain how it's working, I just know that it is.
By the way, Holdyn stares at pictures of Birdie. It's pretty amazing to see, he really fixates on her.
FYI, I am typing with TWO hands! Holdyn is right here with me, sleeping peacefully upon the nursing pillow right up close to me....the best place for him to be! I just can't get enough of him, he is just delish! I am still wearing him all the time, and I am so glad that we started wearing him when we did because he might not have gotten to like it. Anyways, he likes it so very much, how cuddly it is to be so close to each other, it's such a euphoric feeling for me. Not to mention how healing it feels and I know how nurturing and loving it is for my boy. Only the best for my boy! (PLUS, during the winter months aka "Cold Season", wearing him keeps him at a distance from people who might have yucky germs that could make him sick! Ahhhh baby wearing it ROCKS!!!)
What's kind of funny about wearing him is when we take Macy for a walk. We live in a small city that is shall I say...not so enlightened, or exposed to such things as baby wearing. So, I am sure when people see a big lump in my coat, they are lauphing or saying WTF is that, or what the hell is wrong with that woman? Anyway, I am speculating all of this of course, but I have gotten a few strange looks.
This past weekend we went and got a tree...you know the kind you hang ornaments on and put presents under? We didn't do the holidays last year, but this year we are happy to celebrate and be with family.
Here are some photos to feast on!
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