I'm On Demand, I Mean My Breasts Are...And I'm NOT Complaining!
I LOVE it! I Wouldn't have it ANY other way!
Today our little sweetheart is 10 weeks. He is so very yummy!
Holdyn is doing so well, he is such a thriving little baby. At his 2 month check-up he weighed in at 12lbs 3oz! He's just great, and so am I, I mean that I am feeling really good, and happy to be losing some weight!
I want to share with you something that has been eating at me a little for a while (no pun intended!). Every once in a while people in my life have made comments about my feeding Holdyn (or holding/wearing him so much). Usually just little comments like, "He's hungry again?", "He just ate". Or something like that. It's hard for me to hear these things, especially after losing Birdie. It's getting more annoying to have people asking me this. YES! he is hungry OK? I know the sounds, the cry and the grimace he makes when he's hungry. Yes, he gets to eat when he is hungry, yes maybe I am a human pacifier too, and that is OK! Hearing this has started to make me question my intuition and my mothering, and I don't want to be made to feel like this. He's my son and I will feed him on demand for as long as he wants to nurse. I will also wear/hold him as much as possible until he no longer wants to be! I will listen to my intuition about this, hell I will listen to my intuition about everything when it comes to Holdyn. It's heartbreaking to have my judgement questioned like that.
How do I nicely say this to someone? How do I remind them that I was robbed of all of this with Birdie? I feel like this alone should stop them from their comments or questioning. I am his mother, not you, and so I am making the right decisions for my sweet little baby.
Have you had to deal with this? How did you handle it calmy?
10 Week photos coming soon!
22 comments:
The people who made those sorts of comments to me were people who had never been around a nursing baby. I tried to remember that they were asking because they were ignorant of the ways that breastfeeding differs from formula feeding, and I took it as an opportunity to educate the a little bit.
As an example, my mom didn't understand why my son was waking me up to feed him every 90 minutes, and commented that something might be wrong with him. She formula fed my siblings and I, we slept through the night by 8 weeks (3 weeks in my case!). She had never known anyone who nursed, so in her mind waking every 90 minutes to feed was *not normal*. I told her that breastfed infants feed often, sometimes cluster feed, etc. and showed her a book about nursing that she found interesting. She never asked again.
No one should ever be making that comment to any mother, one who has gone through what you have or not. I would say "hmm are you his mother?" "then maybe allow me to care for my child as I see fit and you can worry about your self".
Bliss never went over 2 hours without a feeding for months and months, like 6. He also did marathon feedings where he would literally nurse for 4-6 hours at a time, and yes he was swallowing the entire time. I read books like cray during those. It is no one's business how much we feed them or wear them and the comments are rude and serve no purpose. It is just like the "spoiling" comments. Infants are incapable of being spoiled, period.
One other thing you could say which is a nicer way of saying it is something that was told to me early that I loved. "Parenting is responding and responding to your child is the greatest joy" So tell others to allow you to parent and worry about their own shit.
erin you keep doing EXACTLY what your heart tells you to do!
You're doing a great job - he's clearly thriving. It's so tough to hear comments like these. I got a lot of them too when I nursed my daughter until she was a year. I got comments like "Shouldn't you give up once she has teeth?" and "How does your work feel about this?" I agree with amanda - people just don't understand breastfeeding.
I think it's appropriate to respond with things like "Yes, he must be growing again! His pediatrician is so pleased with his growth. I hate that I missed out on this with Birdie" That will both let them know that you're concentrating on whats best for your baby, and that Birdie should still be top of mind.
You know best - trust yourself. Holdyn clearly does. :-)
I know what you mean. A was and really still is, quite a little nurser. I agree with the other commenter who said many people just don't "get" how a breastfed baby is different than a formula fed one.
I usually would handle comments lightly, by smiling and reframing what they said like it was positive (for example, "Yeah, she just loves her momma milk!!) and then adding comment like, "Yeah, I'm really enjoying taking care of her, I missed out on this before." all said with a huge smile on my face. How can what they said be negative when you are making it seem like you are having the time of your life?
Good luck and trust your intuition. A is almost a year and we are still nursing away, and while I be lying if I didn't say I had some rough times, I love it!
Oh Erin, it won't stop with nursing. If you take him out without a hat on (even in the summer), someone will tell you that it's too cold and that he needs a hat. If you put a hat on him, someone will tell you that it's too hot and that he's stifling. The world is full of parenting experts - it seems to work best just to smile and nod.
Hold your head up high and just keep on doing your own thing!
Alabaster Mom has it right. Having reared 2 humans in direct contradiction to the child-rearing practices of my family and the family of their biological father, I have heard this more than I care to remember.
I am fairly non-confrontational myself, so would respond with "Well, babies do like to eat, you know!" or maybe a more clinical "Infants require a certain amount of non-nutritive sucking for healthy development. May as well get a snack while he's at it!" or a happy mommy smile and a nod, followed by a grabbing of the boy and putting him to breast.
Really, fuck them. Ignore them. Parent your son, and let them sort it out. If someone really wants to tango, and won't let it go, and tries to escalate the conversation politely decline to engage with "Well, Matt and I have made decisions about how we're going to parent Holdyn and we hope that you'll respect them." and leave the room.
What do you say? Nothing. I constantly have to remind myself that you can't fix stupid (not that the people asking are really "stupid" but it's a quote from some comedian whose name escapes me at the moment)
Like someone above me said - if it's not how you feed your kid, it's how you dress them, whether you circumsize, if they go to daycare... it's never going to end. You can't win ;)
I was one of those horrible formula feeders and had a reflux baby who ate every 2 hours for way more months than I want to remember (in the neighborhood of 10-12).
I'm getting comments from random people about being pregnant again. I'm huge, yes, but I'm not going to give birth during lunch, so calm down. And yes, the kids will be close in age. I just confirm what they said and move on. I'm just waiting someone to ask how many I have in there. LOL
There are all kinds of reasons that people question about what we are doing. It should not be offensive unless the person was being a jerk. Most of the time people are not trying to be unkind or rude....they just have questions.
After going through the 1st year with my son I would likely do somethings differently. You may find that you don't like being a human paci when your son is 2 years old, and then you may understand why some people question you now. Or you might still love having him nurse through the night. So you just make your parenting choices and then sweetly smile and say how much you appreciate them giving you the space to be his mother. That you are a beginning mother who is carefully listening to her natural intuition about mothering, and that you are certain that you are the best mother for your son. Don't allow your time to be clouded with being offended.
On followup...I had a lady stop me on the street because my son did not have gloves on. She told me that I was causing him to have arthritis when he is older. My son had just pulled his gloves off and was refusing to wear them....and it was not all that cold out anyway, and we were one block from the warm metro station where we would not need gloves anyway. You will encounter helpful folks throughout your parenting. Just take it that way. Use what you can and move on.
I, for one, LOVED being a human pacifier, and nursed my girls absolutely everywhere. Just ignore them. When my girls were a bit older my mom and sister would tease us a bit for "getting out my boob." Whatever, it didn't bother me at all, because it was totally fine and happy.
Assvice is universal. I think confrontation will only cause hurt feelings. Honestly, unless someone is particularly rude, I found the best way to deal with it is to just smile and say thank you for the advice...and then do whatever you please. For the rude folks, I say whatever comes to mind. :o)
"Our babies, Ourselves" has some really great multiethnic perspectives on this /debate/. Lesson: the Western culture is the only one where feeding /on-demand/ and /babywearing/ are seen as undermining a baby's health. In all other cultures, it is the norm. As a mom, your instincts are spot on.
Oh, you can't change their minds. Nothing you say will be convincing. Just say something to the effect of "Duly noted," and then move on with your day.
There is a whole legion of Mamas you've never met that are metaphorically standing right beside you nodding at the great job you are doing and the good you are doing for your son.
I find it bizarre that anyone would question you. If you're obviously fine with the schedule that Holdyns on...why should anyone care? You obviously don't seem to be complaining, and you're a SAHM so it's not like having a tight routine matters :) If the comments really get to you I would kindly the remind them that your purpose is to enjoy every single moment of Holdyn because you know how precarious life is...and if that means nursing him on demand then so be it. You're the one who the boobs not them :)
Love ya!
Meg
You are right, you are his mother and the fact that everyone should see just how much you love Holdyn should keep their mouths shut but I know it doesn't. Over the years that I worked nursery and peds advice changed all the time. First you can spoil them, no way can you spoil a baby etc. etc. etc. You need not worry... you are doing a excellent job and noone needs to give you any advice.;)I remember when my kids were little my MIL would make comments I didn't care for, I thought what the heck is she telling me for?? But mostly I didn't say too much to keep family peace but I sure did complain to my husband!! The thing is I know she has a big heart so I tried to write at least some it off!! Can't wait for those pics!!
You are right. Hold him and love on him as much as possible. It only makes him feel secure and loved. Besides, they only stay little for such a short time and I say enjoy every minute. Before you know it he will be crawling and exploring the world with you chasing him around. There is nothing more peaceful and beautiful in this world than holding a baby.
By the way, love those cheeks! He looks absolutely adorable! Good work Mom!
Our little man was born Oct. 2nd, so he and Holdyn are pretty much the same age. I get the EXACT same looks and "lectures" from family, especially my inlaws. My husband and I decided that we wanted to be exclusively on the breast untill our little is 6 months and I go back to work. He will still be on breast milk though until we transition to sippy cups and milk. No formula. It is a CHOICE, that WE made. Everybody has advice when you have a baby. Our son also sleeps in our bed. We don't feel that it is that weird. Even our son's doctor says there is nothing wrong, and we feel like a closer family for it. We didn't neccesarily want hiim to not sleep in his crib, he is just happiest and sleeps better with us. ESPECIALLY SINCE HE EATS WHENEVER HE IS HUNGRY! I would never get any sleep if I had to keep getting up in the middle of the night to nurse! He just opens his mouth and curls right up to Mommy. People eat when they are hungry. Babies are people. Yet people still try to question our parenting choices. Babies can never be loved enough. Just remember that YOU are his Mommy, not anyone else. However you and your hubby bond with your baby is your business. Know that you are not alone. While reading your post, I feel like hugging you! I have been feeling the exact same way, and it is nice to know that I am not alone either!
Keep on nursing, that son of yours seems nice and healthy!!
Savanah
s.j.coronado@hotmail.com
I completely agree with those who said that the comments won't stop here. Everything from telling you that your child is under dressed for the weather to telling you your child needs a 'good spanking' b/c they are pitching a fit on the street.
I love the kind and measured responses ppl suggested. I would probably want to tell the nosey bodies to STFU. but I think if you can manage a non-defensive response, it would be really wonderful and helpful.
As upsetting as some of these unsolicited comments are, you are bound to get some really nice ones too. Someone once said that motherhood is the great equalizer and I agree 110%. I have had more conversations with strangers since becoming a Mom than I ever had when I was childless. Case in point, my son was acting up at the grocery store this weekend and we got a few irritated looks. One guy even went so far as to tell him, "You are pissing your mother off!" Grrrrrrrrr. But, then the checkout clerk was so sweet and praised him for loading the groceries on the belt just right and told me how thrilled her own boy used to be when he got to help like that... the old lady who stopped and pinched my toddler's cheek and ruffled my boy's hair, asking "I'll bet you couldn't live without them, now, right? My daughter is 50 now. I still remember when she was 2...You're a good brother to your little sister, aren't you? I can tell."
I will gladly take those occasional crusty comments in order to have the others. I relate more deeply to people now and it is so awesome.
I hope that you too have those special exchanges to offset the annoying ones!
Feeding on demand and being a human pacifier are what ensures a healthy milk supply.
Your intuition is dead on.
I hope you don't mind me responding, Erin, I saw that you had a blog from Facebook. I have some of the same problems with relatives questioning the choices that my husband and I have made for our baby. We exclusively breastfeed (Kate has not even bottle-fed more than once or twice) we co-sleep, we baby-wear, we do not let her "cry it out", etc... I always smile and say, "She looks happy and healthy, doesn't she?" and try to let it go, because some people will never understand. We waited three years for our chance to be a mom and dad and we are doing whatever feels right to us, though I admit to sometimes feeling pressure or embarrassment when people question the things we do. You are obviously doing an outstanding job with Holdyn and should continue with whatever is working for you.
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