It's Been So Long
Much has been transpiring here in our little family. Holdyn turned 1, last month we became homeowners, and this past friday we celebrated Christmas for the 3rd time without our little Bird. I have been struggling a lot lately with feelings of guilt that I am not thinking of Birdie as much as I should be. Finding ways to incorporate her more into my life has become lost somehow and makes me feel horribly sad. Now that Holdyn is older and I feel more confident leaving him for a few hours at a time with his Papa, I have been considering going back to the support group that we had come to lean on very heavily in the months after Birdie died. The need to grieve for her is still within me, if I do not I am not being honest with myself.
I have so much to share about little Holdyn. He is amazing, so smart, curious and kind. He has such a beautiful soul and a gentle way about him, often I just sit and observe him and allow myself to become lost in his moments. He is re-teaching me creative thinking in this way. To just try something without a second thought, to become a child. Oh and how I love this little boy, this little light...to breathe him in and snuggle with him as we sleep is most amazing.
And now I shall go and do just that!
More soon, I promise.
p.s. Holdyn is walking! He started with a few steps about a week and a half ago...and now he is preferring to walk. I love it!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Missing One and The Present One
These images of Holdyn are from a family vacation this summer to the Poconos. Many more to come soon.
I realize that it has been a long time since my last post, life has been beautifully full and busy with our little man. He is happily crawling to explore and observe the world around him (taking his time to start walking). Everyday he wakes and begins to chatter sounds, at times saying something that sounds like "dog", "shushhh", "glaaa", "teeeeettt" and so on. He is really trying out sounds and seeing how they feel to him. Holdyn is also starting to communicate using his sign language skills! His favorite sign is "more" when he is seated in his high chair (a beautiful vintage high chair that his grammie and grampy C. refinished for him!). He loves his high chair, and loves to be a part of eating with us at the table. We have so much fun eating and chatting and figuring out just what Holdyn is asking for.
In the last month or so we have put an offer on a condo, the offer was accepted and now we are in the thick of waiting to hear of the appraisal. If all goes well (all body parts crossed!), the closing will be November 23rd. I am hopefull this will happen. It will be so nice to have a change, to a new town with more green space to roam and a lead free environment for the wee one.
I have been thinking about Birdie much more clearly and truly (does that make sense?). What I mean, is that I think that I have found more moments of peace and quiet where I allow myself to be more still with her, to really focus and breathe her presence into my heart. Yesterday was one of those days.
After our wednesday morning music class, Holdyn and I walked to a nearby college campus (a beautiful campus with lots of trees, leaves on the ground...a pond...a rushing stream...birds etc.) While walking there, Holdyn fell asleep nursing. So, I walked us over to my favorite place to sit with him. A really great bench swing attached to a very large branch of a maple tree. As I sat swinging with Holdyn upon my chest snuggled in the Ergo, a big warm sweatshirt zipped up over us both...a cardinal came out of nowhere and landed in a wild berry bramble. The emotions began to flood within me, from my heart and spreading out to my legs, arms, fingers and through big wet warm tears. The sinking feeling that I used to know so well returned to me in an instant. For those of you who know what cardinals represent to us, you know why this bright red beauty of a bird caused my heart to swell.
I sobbed, as quietly and gently as I could for not to wake Holdyn as he slept so beautifully and peacefully. He awoke for a moment, looked up at me and placed his head back on my chest and fell asleep again. Of course I kissed his head and hugged him a little tighter.
It was a great relief to me to feel these emotions, having tucked them away for a little while (not on purpose). A great reminder of where I was 2 1/2 years ago and who I have become in this small expanse of time. A reminder to me that it's OK that I'm still not entirely ready to let go of Holdyn just yet (to think of going out somewhere without him/or having him leave to go somewhere is still heart wrenching for me).
These images of Holdyn are from a family vacation this summer to the Poconos. Many more to come soon.
I realize that it has been a long time since my last post, life has been beautifully full and busy with our little man. He is happily crawling to explore and observe the world around him (taking his time to start walking). Everyday he wakes and begins to chatter sounds, at times saying something that sounds like "dog", "shushhh", "glaaa", "teeeeettt" and so on. He is really trying out sounds and seeing how they feel to him. Holdyn is also starting to communicate using his sign language skills! His favorite sign is "more" when he is seated in his high chair (a beautiful vintage high chair that his grammie and grampy C. refinished for him!). He loves his high chair, and loves to be a part of eating with us at the table. We have so much fun eating and chatting and figuring out just what Holdyn is asking for.
In the last month or so we have put an offer on a condo, the offer was accepted and now we are in the thick of waiting to hear of the appraisal. If all goes well (all body parts crossed!), the closing will be November 23rd. I am hopefull this will happen. It will be so nice to have a change, to a new town with more green space to roam and a lead free environment for the wee one.
I have been thinking about Birdie much more clearly and truly (does that make sense?). What I mean, is that I think that I have found more moments of peace and quiet where I allow myself to be more still with her, to really focus and breathe her presence into my heart. Yesterday was one of those days.
After our wednesday morning music class, Holdyn and I walked to a nearby college campus (a beautiful campus with lots of trees, leaves on the ground...a pond...a rushing stream...birds etc.) While walking there, Holdyn fell asleep nursing. So, I walked us over to my favorite place to sit with him. A really great bench swing attached to a very large branch of a maple tree. As I sat swinging with Holdyn upon my chest snuggled in the Ergo, a big warm sweatshirt zipped up over us both...a cardinal came out of nowhere and landed in a wild berry bramble. The emotions began to flood within me, from my heart and spreading out to my legs, arms, fingers and through big wet warm tears. The sinking feeling that I used to know so well returned to me in an instant. For those of you who know what cardinals represent to us, you know why this bright red beauty of a bird caused my heart to swell.
I sobbed, as quietly and gently as I could for not to wake Holdyn as he slept so beautifully and peacefully. He awoke for a moment, looked up at me and placed his head back on my chest and fell asleep again. Of course I kissed his head and hugged him a little tighter.
It was a great relief to me to feel these emotions, having tucked them away for a little while (not on purpose). A great reminder of where I was 2 1/2 years ago and who I have become in this small expanse of time. A reminder to me that it's OK that I'm still not entirely ready to let go of Holdyn just yet (to think of going out somewhere without him/or having him leave to go somewhere is still heart wrenching for me).
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Our Miracle.
I cannot believe he is here, asleep beside me. His little chest rising and falling with sweet baby breath. Nor can I believe that he will be a year old in a matter of weeks...
Everyday I fall more in love with this sweet little boy, our miracle. I study the way he observes life happening and unfolding around him. I want nothing but to be close to him at all times, this I cannot help (nor do I want to!).
Tomorrow this life that I am living could all end. So, I must take each precious moment to love and devote myself with all my heart and soul to my son. He is my healer and my guide.
I cannot believe he is here, asleep beside me. His little chest rising and falling with sweet baby breath. Nor can I believe that he will be a year old in a matter of weeks...
Everyday I fall more in love with this sweet little boy, our miracle. I study the way he observes life happening and unfolding around him. I want nothing but to be close to him at all times, this I cannot help (nor do I want to!).
Tomorrow this life that I am living could all end. So, I must take each precious moment to love and devote myself with all my heart and soul to my son. He is my healer and my guide.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Growing In Love.
This little boy...
This sweet little miracle of life and love is nearly 11 months old, and before we know it, he will be 12 months old. In the blink of an eye, my son will be one. It's no joke, that the days do go by very swiftly, though I still try hard to not let them drift away easily. Not without making sure each day is filled with fun, joy and boundless love.
This has been such an incredible year. A year of new life, and year of transition, of learning and growing. A year of loving and remembering, a year of bittersweet sadness mixed up, shaken and stirred with joy and hope and renewal.
This blog has been almost like a life-line for me at times. Without having the ability to write all my honest thoughts here and share them as I have and "hear" your response...or silence, I might not be as almost totally sane as I am able to be today. Though at times I may seem crass and harsh, my thoughts are raw, they are true and honest. I know that I might make some folks upset, and I apologize, I cannot help what is in my head sometimes.
Anyways, Holdyn is amazing...and he still looks like his sister. I will always think this, especially while he is asleep...he looks just like her. It's gorgeous to see, and gorgeous to hear each and every bellow of air that rises and falls within his lungs. I am still amazed by this.
I am thinking very much about Birdie these days, but having trouble finding the words to express my thoughts. I have been drawing a little bit when I can, that is helping me at the moment. When I have been thinking of Birdie, in my mind I see shapes...I don't know what these shapes are or represent, so I am trying to re-create them on paper. The drawings I have been able to get onto paper feel like they are the beginnings of something larger (very large scale drawings).
Anyway...it's getting late and I really, really want to snuggle up to my sweet little boy. So, I will close this post.
Goodnight. =)
This little boy...
This sweet little miracle of life and love is nearly 11 months old, and before we know it, he will be 12 months old. In the blink of an eye, my son will be one. It's no joke, that the days do go by very swiftly, though I still try hard to not let them drift away easily. Not without making sure each day is filled with fun, joy and boundless love.
This has been such an incredible year. A year of new life, and year of transition, of learning and growing. A year of loving and remembering, a year of bittersweet sadness mixed up, shaken and stirred with joy and hope and renewal.
This blog has been almost like a life-line for me at times. Without having the ability to write all my honest thoughts here and share them as I have and "hear" your response...or silence, I might not be as almost totally sane as I am able to be today. Though at times I may seem crass and harsh, my thoughts are raw, they are true and honest. I know that I might make some folks upset, and I apologize, I cannot help what is in my head sometimes.
Anyways, Holdyn is amazing...and he still looks like his sister. I will always think this, especially while he is asleep...he looks just like her. It's gorgeous to see, and gorgeous to hear each and every bellow of air that rises and falls within his lungs. I am still amazed by this.
I am thinking very much about Birdie these days, but having trouble finding the words to express my thoughts. I have been drawing a little bit when I can, that is helping me at the moment. When I have been thinking of Birdie, in my mind I see shapes...I don't know what these shapes are or represent, so I am trying to re-create them on paper. The drawings I have been able to get onto paper feel like they are the beginnings of something larger (very large scale drawings).
Anyway...it's getting late and I really, really want to snuggle up to my sweet little boy. So, I will close this post.
Goodnight. =)
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Let The Baby Cry It Out? Why?
The sound of my sweet little baby crying just kills me. NO I do not let him just cry it out. I swiftly respond to my little Bunny when he is feeling sad or frustrated and needs a cuddle or a boob and whaddya know, he calms down and is contented and happy. The only thing allowing him to "cry it out" would do is stress us both out and make us both very sad and unhappy.
I was so sad today to hear a baby in a carriage being left to "cry it out". There were 4 people walking along with the baby in the carriage who was SCREAMING, and not a one of the adults even bothered look at, talk to or sooth the SCREAMING child in any way! I myself was about ready to start crying out of empathy for the poor little baby...or burst out some profanities at the idiot parents!
It pangs my heart when people ignore the cries of a little one who cannot communicate in any other way. They are crying to say "I need something", "I need you to pick me up!"
The whole "Let the baby cry it out" theory is bullshit, heartbreaking and stressful for babies (and parents!).
This way of parenting is a missed opportunity to hold and comfort the baby, a helpless beautiful being who simply needs a snuggle or a boob to feel OK.
There are many things that I see parents doing and not doing for their children that break my heart and make me want to cry, or say something OUT LOUD! This, this is one of those things...
Please, don't just let your little baby cry themselves to sleep, or cry through feeling sad or mad or frustration (and even worse tell them "it's not that bad" "stop crying" etc). There is NOTHING wrong with picking them up and snuggling them to make them feel secure and safe.
Oh and please don't try to tell me that by doing this you are "spoiling" the child. Give me a break! No, sorry, but by responding with love and kindness you are showing your child that they can count on you, that they can trust you, that you are there for them when they need you.
Pick that baby up, for we know not what tomorrow might bring. For I know all too well the fragility of life. Today I am here, today I am alive and so is my husband and child. Tomorrow, it could all disappear. SO, I snuggle, I kiss, I love my little Holdyn to the best of my ability EVERY MOMENT of EVERY DAY. Each and every second with him is a miracle.
The sound of my sweet little baby crying just kills me. NO I do not let him just cry it out. I swiftly respond to my little Bunny when he is feeling sad or frustrated and needs a cuddle or a boob and whaddya know, he calms down and is contented and happy. The only thing allowing him to "cry it out" would do is stress us both out and make us both very sad and unhappy.
I was so sad today to hear a baby in a carriage being left to "cry it out". There were 4 people walking along with the baby in the carriage who was SCREAMING, and not a one of the adults even bothered look at, talk to or sooth the SCREAMING child in any way! I myself was about ready to start crying out of empathy for the poor little baby...or burst out some profanities at the idiot parents!
It pangs my heart when people ignore the cries of a little one who cannot communicate in any other way. They are crying to say "I need something", "I need you to pick me up!"
The whole "Let the baby cry it out" theory is bullshit, heartbreaking and stressful for babies (and parents!).
This way of parenting is a missed opportunity to hold and comfort the baby, a helpless beautiful being who simply needs a snuggle or a boob to feel OK.
There are many things that I see parents doing and not doing for their children that break my heart and make me want to cry, or say something OUT LOUD! This, this is one of those things...
Please, don't just let your little baby cry themselves to sleep, or cry through feeling sad or mad or frustration (and even worse tell them "it's not that bad" "stop crying" etc). There is NOTHING wrong with picking them up and snuggling them to make them feel secure and safe.
Oh and please don't try to tell me that by doing this you are "spoiling" the child. Give me a break! No, sorry, but by responding with love and kindness you are showing your child that they can count on you, that they can trust you, that you are there for them when they need you.
Pick that baby up, for we know not what tomorrow might bring. For I know all too well the fragility of life. Today I am here, today I am alive and so is my husband and child. Tomorrow, it could all disappear. SO, I snuggle, I kiss, I love my little Holdyn to the best of my ability EVERY MOMENT of EVERY DAY. Each and every second with him is a miracle.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Holdyn is 9 Months Old!
This little boy, the light of my life. Oh how he brings me joy! Such great, great joy and boundless happiness.
Holdyn is such a happy and contented little guy. He really never complains at all, AT ALL (unless he teething is bothering him). Everywhere we go people always comment on how calm he is and they always ask us "Is he always so quiet?" Yes, yes he is a very happy and calm baby. Hmmmmm, maybe this babywearing really does make him happy after all! Yah think? I never doubted it, but there were plenty who did!
Anyways. As I was saying, Holdyn is amazing in every way imaginable. He is getting around so fast now on his hands and knees, he's a spitfire! We have done pretty well with the babyproofing thus far, and cleared out a whole room for him in the house. We do spend a good amount of our days on the porch, and that can be a little tricky at times since it's not totally babyproof out there! All in all he does pretty well, and he's discovered some of the flower pots full of dirt (organic soil) from last year. I never did get around to planting any flowers this year.
Oh well...there's always next year! Hopefully by then we will have a house of our own to plant a permanent garden for Birdie.
FYI we put an offer on a house this week!
This little boy, the light of my life. Oh how he brings me joy! Such great, great joy and boundless happiness.
Holdyn is such a happy and contented little guy. He really never complains at all, AT ALL (unless he teething is bothering him). Everywhere we go people always comment on how calm he is and they always ask us "Is he always so quiet?" Yes, yes he is a very happy and calm baby. Hmmmmm, maybe this babywearing really does make him happy after all! Yah think? I never doubted it, but there were plenty who did!
Anyways. As I was saying, Holdyn is amazing in every way imaginable. He is getting around so fast now on his hands and knees, he's a spitfire! We have done pretty well with the babyproofing thus far, and cleared out a whole room for him in the house. We do spend a good amount of our days on the porch, and that can be a little tricky at times since it's not totally babyproof out there! All in all he does pretty well, and he's discovered some of the flower pots full of dirt (organic soil) from last year. I never did get around to planting any flowers this year.
Oh well...there's always next year! Hopefully by then we will have a house of our own to plant a permanent garden for Birdie.
FYI we put an offer on a house this week!
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