Here It Comes. I See The Sun Just On The Horizon.

Last week I was experiencing a feeling that I had not felt since my pregnancy with Birdie. The feeling is hard to describe because it was so physical present within my body. It was almost like my body had returned to a state of pregnancy, and my mind knew what was to come. There was a wisdom there and also a sadness, and it felt very real and very familiar. I can't remember having felt that last year, a physical remembering within my body though there was definitely a rush of emotional memories, and visual memories.

Also last week a mysterious feather appeared in our house. I had noticed something on one of our rugs, and thought it was a random piece of string or fabric from my craft bin. I had noticed it and ignored it. And ignored it. Then, I was curious so I looked closer and realized it was a feather quickly I picked it up. Immediately I shared my find with Matt, we were both baffled. Now this is no ordinary everyday feather, it's long and has a reddish brown hue. It's not a crow nor pigeon feather, it looks like a pheasant feather we are guessing. However, it could be from a cardinal. We just don't know. What we do know is that it was not there earlier in the day, and after we came home from taking Holdyn to see Elizabeth Mitchell perform it was there.

We are sure it was Birdie sending us a sign.

So, here it comes my friends...here we are, here I sit tonight with a heavy heart (my heart is always a little heavy as you already know) as the seconds, minutes and hours tick tock away. The precious last hours that 2 years ago today were Birdie's last hours alive. Her Karma nearly fulfilled, for soon she would become a sitting Buddha, an enlightened one, a spirit, a perfect light of everlasting true love.

As hard as it can be to think about this time, and the vast and dark expanse of what came after things took a dangerous turn, I do think about it. I don't shield my eyes, or turn away and hide from it, my daughters death is my truth. Birdie's death is seared into my heart, and inked upon my skin. She is my daily reminder to enjoy life to the fullest, to let go of the bitterness that can turn emotions into an avalanche of anger and disgust.

This year I wonder who will forget and who will remember.

We just got a foot of fresh snow, so for Birdie's birthday we are headed to the mountains for a little snowshoeing adventure. I know it's going to be beautiful, quiet and peaceful. Holdyn of course will be there bundled up, safe and warm in the carrier. It will be our first snowshoeing adventure of the year, and Holdyn's first walk in a snowy wood.

Almost 5 1/2 hours to go now...

I am re-living that night in my mind, the feelings and memories have grown stronger since I began this post almost an hour ago. This is where it all went down, right here in these rooms before me.

Did I miss something? Some sign of distress? A call for help?

The sun is just about on the horizon...I will see you on the other side, Birdie will not.