The Heaviness of May

It's coming, the heaviness that struck a pang in my heart even deeper than it already had been 2 years ago, 2 Mother's Day(s) ago...

Though this year is a "re-newal" year for me, for us, I will still feel that weight in my heart, hanging and pulling on the strings (of my heart) that aren't quite in tune as they used to be.

As many of you know, this month is (my dear friend Carol's) baby Charlotte's month. For the past 2 years since I met Carol, and have grown close to her and her family I also have felt pulled in close to Charlotte. Pulled in close to her spirit and I am always close to Birdie's spirit. The last few days, I am finding myself even more taken with thoughts of Charlotte and how it is she and her Mama that have helped so much to shape how I was able to openly grieve for Birdie (and still do). I have never (personally) known or seen any Mama express such beautifully fierc edeep love and gratitude for her children. Through my friendship with Carol, I have been blessed to witness her un-ending love and devotion for her Charlotte, and her beautiful and gentle awareness of living each day to the fullest with her miracle babies, Liam and Aiofe. For they are miracles. Beautiful, gracious miracles who speak of their sister Charlotte so innocently and lovingly...she is with them.

I remember the first time I went to Carol's house. I had arrived on a cool, gray April day (i believe it was April). We were in the kitchen speaking softly, Liam and Aiofe were napping and over the monitor we heard Liam say: "I'm sad that Charlotte died".

Carol and I looked at each other, tears in our eyes.

"You must have brought some Birdie energy with you", Carol said.

Oh, yes, yes I did. Since that moment, since that day I have felt not only Birdie's spirit with me, but also Charlotte's. I like hope that our girls found each other, up there in the stars, in the constellations...in the universe.

And so, as the spirit's of these two little girls fill my heart, so does my gratitude for a friendship that probably might not have been. As I feel this gratitude and love for my dear friend and her children...

I also wish that her dear sweet Charlotte was with her not only in spirit, and memory, but in the flesh. I wish that her Charlotte was upstairs asleep, sweetly breathing and gently dreaming of the adventures she would have in the day to come.

Soon Charlotte will be 6. May 13th, that is her day...that is her day. As we grow closer to the date, I know that my friend is feeling the pang of sadness. The bittersweet of the spring, the season that was supposed to have welcomed her precious blessing, that instead showered her family in tears of sadness.

Why Birdie?
Why Charlotte?

Why?

I love you Birdie.
I love you Charlotte.