Her Milk.
(part 2)
Yes. YES. YES it would have been OK.
It would have been absolutely OK to have gently compressed my breast to release a single drop of colostrum. To watch it slowly come forth and then slowly release and drop upon her darkened lips...
Maybe there would have been, could have been some magical elixir within the properties of her milk to revive her stopped heart, something that science would not ever be able to explain to ever so gently rock and palpitate her blood...rushing surges of the life giving milk that was meant only for her. Perhaps as her mama, with the milk coming into my breasts there could have been a glimmer of miracle milk!
Many who know me now, as I am, as a Mama to my living child know of my loss but I don't know that they are fully aware or think about this part of my loss. I don't know that many people who knew me then, friend or family even gave a thought to the additional loss that losing Birdie's milk felt like. It was a double heart break, a second shattering of the future.
In hindsight it feels as though the importance of her milk was completely ignored because "they" were scared of allowing it to come. I don't know that I was. I don't know that I really thought about it until those around me were trying so many things to get it to cease.
NOW. I want her milk back. I want her milk to rush in, I want to know what that first experience of engorgement. I want her milk back.
OK. So, now that I have gotten here, now that I am in this head space knowing what I now know about Mama Milk and the MAGIC it really does behold I can share that there is a glimmer, a whisper of Birdie's milk that is still present, it is present every single time that Holdyn nurses from my breasts...as after each birth of a baby the Mama's breasts lay down more Oxytocin receptors. So, when I think about the loss of being able to nurse her, the loss of her milk coming forth, it comes forth now for her little brother and in a very generous way even now 2 years after his miraculous birth...her milk is here now in harmony with his milk.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Her Milk.
(part one)
I have been thinking about Birdie's milk a lot as my nursing relationship with Holdyn so lovingly continues on it's path. I have been thinking about Birdie's milk more after I took part in a SHARE parent panel that was speaking about baby loss to hospital staff/nurses/doctors/doula's etc. a few weeks ago. While I always truly love to speak of my bird, of course speaking about the experience of the events leading up to her death brings so much to the surface...emotions that now 3 years later, as Mama to a living child are quited a little.
It has been a long time coming for me to really speak to this. As I sit here now, quite in my home, on the couch...I think hard back to the talk, the chatter around me, the almost rush to protect me from the milk that would come. My little bird's milk, HER MILK. Milk that she couldn't suckle to remove from my breasts, and milk that I was encouraged to almost immediately to slow from coming if not stop it from coming. I asked one time if maybe I should donate my milk to help another, I was gently discouraged from this.
I wish that I had not been. I wish that I would have been told that that would be OK. I wish that our midwives/nurses/doctor would have had information about milk donation after a baby dies. In addition to the more than 100 photographs that we were blessed to be given by NILMDTS, donating Birdie's milk would have been an additional way to heal. It's only in hindsight that I see how cathartic it would have been.
I can remember the mention of Sage tea as a sort of "prescription" that I would drink to keep my milk at bay, or slow it down. Cabbage and cabbage leaves were in abundance in our hospital room, it was incredibly devastating to have Matt be in charge of making sure that I had cold cabbage on my breasts, changing cabbage leaves numerous times a day for many days. It was beyond sad and devastating to have done this.
I wish I had just let the milk come in as it should have, as it was meant to be there filling my breasts, ready to pour forth to my sweet smelling newborn.
But there was no baby to suckle at my breasts, no baby to give this incredible living food too. No.
I wish that I would have held strong to my instinct to see my breasts fill, to allow my body to feel what would have been, I SO badly wanted to see what my milk looked like, would it have poured forth as I took a scalding hot shower after scalding hot shower? Would it have been creamy white? Yellow?
Would it have been OK to squeeze some colostrum out and into her mouth...?
YES. YES. It would have been OK.
(part one)
I have been thinking about Birdie's milk a lot as my nursing relationship with Holdyn so lovingly continues on it's path. I have been thinking about Birdie's milk more after I took part in a SHARE parent panel that was speaking about baby loss to hospital staff/nurses/doctors/doula's etc. a few weeks ago. While I always truly love to speak of my bird, of course speaking about the experience of the events leading up to her death brings so much to the surface...emotions that now 3 years later, as Mama to a living child are quited a little.
It has been a long time coming for me to really speak to this. As I sit here now, quite in my home, on the couch...I think hard back to the talk, the chatter around me, the almost rush to protect me from the milk that would come. My little bird's milk, HER MILK. Milk that she couldn't suckle to remove from my breasts, and milk that I was encouraged to almost immediately to slow from coming if not stop it from coming. I asked one time if maybe I should donate my milk to help another, I was gently discouraged from this.
I wish that I had not been. I wish that I would have been told that that would be OK. I wish that our midwives/nurses/doctor would have had information about milk donation after a baby dies. In addition to the more than 100 photographs that we were blessed to be given by NILMDTS, donating Birdie's milk would have been an additional way to heal. It's only in hindsight that I see how cathartic it would have been.
I can remember the mention of Sage tea as a sort of "prescription" that I would drink to keep my milk at bay, or slow it down. Cabbage and cabbage leaves were in abundance in our hospital room, it was incredibly devastating to have Matt be in charge of making sure that I had cold cabbage on my breasts, changing cabbage leaves numerous times a day for many days. It was beyond sad and devastating to have done this.
I wish I had just let the milk come in as it should have, as it was meant to be there filling my breasts, ready to pour forth to my sweet smelling newborn.
But there was no baby to suckle at my breasts, no baby to give this incredible living food too. No.
I wish that I would have held strong to my instinct to see my breasts fill, to allow my body to feel what would have been, I SO badly wanted to see what my milk looked like, would it have poured forth as I took a scalding hot shower after scalding hot shower? Would it have been creamy white? Yellow?
Would it have been OK to squeeze some colostrum out and into her mouth...?
YES. YES. It would have been OK.
Monday, October 04, 2010
2 Years
My boy, sweet snuggly delicious little Holdyn is now a 2 year old.
How did we get here? I can still feel the surge of adrenaline and hormones rushing through my body when I recall his birth. I can still feel that insanely intense pull for want of my baby to be right there with me as his lungs were quickly checked by the pediatrician immediately after birth...I can feel that rushing of tears, hot tears, tears of joy, tears of a most tremendous love for the baby that lived, our baby. Our MIRACLE, our Holdyn.
This tremendous boy, this bright, compassionate and empathetic boy, he has grown. I see the evidence of who he will become. I am passionately and patiently encouraging a child of wonder and joy...the freedom of exploration is molding him into a beautiful person, a self reliant and self confident boy. He is a lover of nature, of animals, of books of music. Surely, Holdyn is nothing short of AMAZING.
There is so much love poured into each day with my boy. There is the tremendous love that I have for him, and in addition the tremendous love for my Birdie. All of this love is just so huge that my words here will never properly be able to express or describe the true nature and size of the love that I behold for Holdyn.
Does this make any sense? What I want to say is that because of my loss, because of my first experience as a mama that I feel a doubling or layering of love for my boy. There was so much love that I never got to give to my girl...
Oh, my Holdyn my beloved one. You are so trusting of yourself, and of your world. To watch you play and experiment in nature is so very heartwarming and lovely. Your curiosity is so free and seemingly endless. You are teaching me so much, you are teaching me to follow my curiousities and re-embrace creative endevours...your gentle way, your gentle soul makes me want to be a better person and strive to become only the best most gentle mama that I can.
Your ability to speak in complete sentences is remarkable, you can count 1 to 10 (and then some), you can say the AbC's (which you do randomly at your leisure)...you recite humpty dumpty and little miss muffett among other nursery rymes and snippets from books and songs. Your intelligence is very apparent and reafirrming to me that simple choices we have made in raising you are being realized through your nature, your personality, your bright starlit way about you.
You speak of your sister, you speak of her in gentle ways...
At random you spoke of her a few weeks ago, "Birdie died" you repeated slowly and lovingly as we cooked dinner together. My heart melted as you spoke those words, and then we talked for a bit about Birdie.
You are a wise soul. You are my world Holdyn (of course Papa is too!), but without you here, now, I don't know who I would be...if I don't know how I would have been able to carry on with the weight of your sisters death. You, little you, you have brought great healing and joy to our family. You are a miracle of life, you are a wonder that I will forever ponder, and I will continue to snuggle and nuzzle you as a mama bear would her cub for as long as you will let me. I love you forever sweet Holdyn, you are my greatest wish come true.
Happy 2nd Birthday my love.
Mama
My boy, sweet snuggly delicious little Holdyn is now a 2 year old.
How did we get here? I can still feel the surge of adrenaline and hormones rushing through my body when I recall his birth. I can still feel that insanely intense pull for want of my baby to be right there with me as his lungs were quickly checked by the pediatrician immediately after birth...I can feel that rushing of tears, hot tears, tears of joy, tears of a most tremendous love for the baby that lived, our baby. Our MIRACLE, our Holdyn.
This tremendous boy, this bright, compassionate and empathetic boy, he has grown. I see the evidence of who he will become. I am passionately and patiently encouraging a child of wonder and joy...the freedom of exploration is molding him into a beautiful person, a self reliant and self confident boy. He is a lover of nature, of animals, of books of music. Surely, Holdyn is nothing short of AMAZING.
There is so much love poured into each day with my boy. There is the tremendous love that I have for him, and in addition the tremendous love for my Birdie. All of this love is just so huge that my words here will never properly be able to express or describe the true nature and size of the love that I behold for Holdyn.
Does this make any sense? What I want to say is that because of my loss, because of my first experience as a mama that I feel a doubling or layering of love for my boy. There was so much love that I never got to give to my girl...
Oh, my Holdyn my beloved one. You are so trusting of yourself, and of your world. To watch you play and experiment in nature is so very heartwarming and lovely. Your curiosity is so free and seemingly endless. You are teaching me so much, you are teaching me to follow my curiousities and re-embrace creative endevours...your gentle way, your gentle soul makes me want to be a better person and strive to become only the best most gentle mama that I can.
Your ability to speak in complete sentences is remarkable, you can count 1 to 10 (and then some), you can say the AbC's (which you do randomly at your leisure)...you recite humpty dumpty and little miss muffett among other nursery rymes and snippets from books and songs. Your intelligence is very apparent and reafirrming to me that simple choices we have made in raising you are being realized through your nature, your personality, your bright starlit way about you.
You speak of your sister, you speak of her in gentle ways...
At random you spoke of her a few weeks ago, "Birdie died" you repeated slowly and lovingly as we cooked dinner together. My heart melted as you spoke those words, and then we talked for a bit about Birdie.
You are a wise soul. You are my world Holdyn (of course Papa is too!), but without you here, now, I don't know who I would be...if I don't know how I would have been able to carry on with the weight of your sisters death. You, little you, you have brought great healing and joy to our family. You are a miracle of life, you are a wonder that I will forever ponder, and I will continue to snuggle and nuzzle you as a mama bear would her cub for as long as you will let me. I love you forever sweet Holdyn, you are my greatest wish come true.
Happy 2nd Birthday my love.
Mama
Friday, September 17, 2010
Saturday, September 04, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
My Living Heart.
My Holdyn, my miracle whom I breathe in daily. How blessed I am (we are) to lay beside our little (big) bundle of love and joy. How much he has grown and changed. From a sweet and snuggly little bobbing nursling to a walking/talking and giggly little boy. Yes, my sweet miracle is becoming each day more like a boy...less and less baby/toddler. Though, I do not wish to rush him away from his toddler like mannerisms and behaiviors...he is finding his own path with our gentle eyes watching (not directing his every move), for he has the capacity, the instincts to do and learn as he needs to.
He is amazing in every way. As I write this I am giddy to head up to bed, to peacefully slumber and snuggle in with my dear one. To hold his sweet hand, to brush his hair ever so gently away from his gentle closed eyelids. I am savoring this all, these long nights, the long summer days of loving my dear boy, playing alongside him and following his lead, singing to him as he so beautifully nurses. It is all so delishous to me, it is all so lovely. Every word he says and how he says it amazes me. How is it that he can count to 10? How is it that he says some of the ABC's? I am amazed by my Holdyn's capacity to remember things he hears (repeating sentences from songs & books).
His love and enthusiasm of music is profound, not just listening but playing instruments. He LOVES drums & cymbols, guitar, piano etc. Any instrument he is near he is compelled to play it with gusto (we set up a snare drum and cymbal, as well as my guitar available for him to play). Amazing!
Holdyn makes me feel like I can do anything. He is pushing me to consider doing things that I had sort of "put on hold", like my artwork. He is showing me how important it is for him to build relationships with other's, something that took me a long time to feel OK with. Even now there are only a few who I am comfortable enough to leave Holdy with for an hour or so, and it's still hard for me to walk away...
I really don't like not being with him ALL THE TIME. There is so much love within me for my child, and I don't want to miss anything he does.
My Holdyn, my miracle whom I breathe in daily. How blessed I am (we are) to lay beside our little (big) bundle of love and joy. How much he has grown and changed. From a sweet and snuggly little bobbing nursling to a walking/talking and giggly little boy. Yes, my sweet miracle is becoming each day more like a boy...less and less baby/toddler. Though, I do not wish to rush him away from his toddler like mannerisms and behaiviors...he is finding his own path with our gentle eyes watching (not directing his every move), for he has the capacity, the instincts to do and learn as he needs to.
He is amazing in every way. As I write this I am giddy to head up to bed, to peacefully slumber and snuggle in with my dear one. To hold his sweet hand, to brush his hair ever so gently away from his gentle closed eyelids. I am savoring this all, these long nights, the long summer days of loving my dear boy, playing alongside him and following his lead, singing to him as he so beautifully nurses. It is all so delishous to me, it is all so lovely. Every word he says and how he says it amazes me. How is it that he can count to 10? How is it that he says some of the ABC's? I am amazed by my Holdyn's capacity to remember things he hears (repeating sentences from songs & books).
His love and enthusiasm of music is profound, not just listening but playing instruments. He LOVES drums & cymbols, guitar, piano etc. Any instrument he is near he is compelled to play it with gusto (we set up a snare drum and cymbal, as well as my guitar available for him to play). Amazing!
Holdyn makes me feel like I can do anything. He is pushing me to consider doing things that I had sort of "put on hold", like my artwork. He is showing me how important it is for him to build relationships with other's, something that took me a long time to feel OK with. Even now there are only a few who I am comfortable enough to leave Holdy with for an hour or so, and it's still hard for me to walk away...
I really don't like not being with him ALL THE TIME. There is so much love within me for my child, and I don't want to miss anything he does.
Monday, July 26, 2010
nurse nina.
It's really the best thing to wake up in the morning to hear Holdyn say nurse nina with a big smile and great enthusiasm.
Have you guessed yet what nurse nina! could possibly be? well, it all started a little while back, when Holdyn used to ask for "nursies". He would ask to nurse saying, or at time exclaiming "NURSIES, NURSIES". Then one day, maybe 3 weeks ago or so....he started to call "nursies, "nina", and then that evolved into "nurse nina".
Since I have been really lousy about documenting in writing a lot of the things he says now, I wanted to be sure the document this here. Nursing is such an important part of our relationship, we are both so happy to have the sacred time together to "nurse nina!"
I know that I don't talk much about breastfeeding on this blog, or at least I haven't for a while. Perhaps I am still not so sure who is reading this blog anymore and I feel protective of those who might be newly grieved, those of us who have not yet been given the gift of a living child to breastfeed.
When I had to work at drying up my milk/stop it from coming after Birdie died it was devastating. No, it was so much more than that, I don't feel I have the words for how that felt. My whole body felt numb from my grief, but somehow my breasts felt alive, and the warm milk...it was there. I saw it everyday creamy and dried upon the cotton breast pads that I wore each night after removing the cabbage from my bra.
Now, more than 3 years later...milk pours forth from within me. It pours forth from my soul and all my being overfull with love (and all the rest of the amazing properties that make up breastmilk!) to Holdyn's still tiny mouth, though not as tiny as her newborn babe, swollen lipped mouth. This milk is a gift, it is a blessing, it is a miracle of nature and I am so thankful for each night/morn/afternoon/eve that my sweet little Holdyn asks for "nurse nina".
Thank you Holdyn.....we shall nurse nina for as long as you wish.
It's really the best thing to wake up in the morning to hear Holdyn say nurse nina with a big smile and great enthusiasm.
Have you guessed yet what nurse nina! could possibly be? well, it all started a little while back, when Holdyn used to ask for "nursies". He would ask to nurse saying, or at time exclaiming "NURSIES, NURSIES". Then one day, maybe 3 weeks ago or so....he started to call "nursies, "nina", and then that evolved into "nurse nina".
Since I have been really lousy about documenting in writing a lot of the things he says now, I wanted to be sure the document this here. Nursing is such an important part of our relationship, we are both so happy to have the sacred time together to "nurse nina!"
I know that I don't talk much about breastfeeding on this blog, or at least I haven't for a while. Perhaps I am still not so sure who is reading this blog anymore and I feel protective of those who might be newly grieved, those of us who have not yet been given the gift of a living child to breastfeed.
When I had to work at drying up my milk/stop it from coming after Birdie died it was devastating. No, it was so much more than that, I don't feel I have the words for how that felt. My whole body felt numb from my grief, but somehow my breasts felt alive, and the warm milk...it was there. I saw it everyday creamy and dried upon the cotton breast pads that I wore each night after removing the cabbage from my bra.
Now, more than 3 years later...milk pours forth from within me. It pours forth from my soul and all my being overfull with love (and all the rest of the amazing properties that make up breastmilk!) to Holdyn's still tiny mouth, though not as tiny as her newborn babe, swollen lipped mouth. This milk is a gift, it is a blessing, it is a miracle of nature and I am so thankful for each night/morn/afternoon/eve that my sweet little Holdyn asks for "nurse nina".
Thank you Holdyn.....we shall nurse nina for as long as you wish.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
birdie bunny photography.
i am building this photography business out of love.
it's all about my love for my birdie, and bunny.
tell your friends! birdie bunny photography is for hire!
i am building this photography business out of love.
it's all about my love for my birdie, and bunny.
tell your friends! birdie bunny photography is for hire!
Friday, July 16, 2010
and so I begin with a photo.
i LOVE this photo...that brilliant overflowing sunshine over Holdyn is just lovely.
Once again my absence upon this blog has stretched over many days. In my haste to begin anew with my photo business, and spending full love filled days with my sweet boy has left my brain a bit disheveled in the evening, leaving me with little energy to form coherent sentences.
However, this night, even though I am completely exhausted I realize that I have not been documenting the gifts of Holdyns days as a toddler. At 1 1/2 he has changed so much. He has been repeating the things that we say for about a month or so now, but has begun to string words together and speak in sentences.
Holdyn now not only toddles and walks...but runs. He jumps (a really adorable little hop).
Just the other day he asked me to give nursies to his bunny, and just today asked me to give nursies to his toy train conductor or "mister"....as he needed nursies for his ouchie after falling out of the train car. I knew that these days would come, but now what they are here...I don't know why I am surprised that Holdyn asks me to nurse his bunny or train conductor, of course he would, because even bunnies need some nursies from mama, and nursies on an ouchie make it feel better (and the antibodies can't hurt either!).
More to come...because I have to document/write out our trip to the ocean a few weeks ago!
i LOVE this photo...that brilliant overflowing sunshine over Holdyn is just lovely.
Once again my absence upon this blog has stretched over many days. In my haste to begin anew with my photo business, and spending full love filled days with my sweet boy has left my brain a bit disheveled in the evening, leaving me with little energy to form coherent sentences.
However, this night, even though I am completely exhausted I realize that I have not been documenting the gifts of Holdyns days as a toddler. At 1 1/2 he has changed so much. He has been repeating the things that we say for about a month or so now, but has begun to string words together and speak in sentences.
Holdyn now not only toddles and walks...but runs. He jumps (a really adorable little hop).
Just the other day he asked me to give nursies to his bunny, and just today asked me to give nursies to his toy train conductor or "mister"....as he needed nursies for his ouchie after falling out of the train car. I knew that these days would come, but now what they are here...I don't know why I am surprised that Holdyn asks me to nurse his bunny or train conductor, of course he would, because even bunnies need some nursies from mama, and nursies on an ouchie make it feel better (and the antibodies can't hurt either!).
More to come...because I have to document/write out our trip to the ocean a few weeks ago!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The words have been coming to me slowly these days. My mind is full at the ending of each day, reviewing all the new words that have been spoken from the mouth of my babe as well as reliving all of the days adventures. Holdyn pretty much repeats anything we say at this point, and has his own way of pronouncing many words too which is uber cute.
Each morning this week he has been helping me work in our community garden plot, which has been really fun for both of us. The heat has been letting us know when it's time to go, it's been SO HOT here! I am not a fan of the summer because of the heat (I hope that someday we can transplant to the west coast or Europe). It's a serious bummer to be out in the dry scorching, nagging heat!
So, things here have been OK. My part time job working from home for a friend ended in April and since then I have been busting my arse to get my photo biz going. It's slow going getting clients, but I am hopeful to be blessed with some work soon.
It feels tough for me to say anything worthwhile here tonight. I feel this is just a short update. Perhaps soon I will feel more up to writing something more interesting.
How about some photos?
Each morning this week he has been helping me work in our community garden plot, which has been really fun for both of us. The heat has been letting us know when it's time to go, it's been SO HOT here! I am not a fan of the summer because of the heat (I hope that someday we can transplant to the west coast or Europe). It's a serious bummer to be out in the dry scorching, nagging heat!
So, things here have been OK. My part time job working from home for a friend ended in April and since then I have been busting my arse to get my photo biz going. It's slow going getting clients, but I am hopeful to be blessed with some work soon.
It feels tough for me to say anything worthwhile here tonight. I feel this is just a short update. Perhaps soon I will feel more up to writing something more interesting.
How about some photos?
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Every Moment IS An Opportunity to Love
This I do believe. Even when my life has gone on without loving my girl, she reminds me that every EVERY moment is an opportunity to love. Tonight, I had the rare luxury of reading one of my favorite blogs MereMortal and there Leigh was speaking to each moment as an opportunity to love, reminding me once again to stay in the moment, to love, to share love, to give love, to show love.
I feel this month slipping through my fingers, like the ending pages of a book, slowly and carefully I flip the last 2 pages. I think about all of the missed opportunities to love my girl in the flesh, and I pack all these moments, all the missed time, all the missed memories and I pour it ALL into my love for my sweet boy. I want to fill him up with all of the love that naturally pours forth from me for him, and then all the love that his big sister has missed earthside.
Holdyn is the greatest opportunity to love, he is all, he is everything, he is total and complete love.
As I watch him grow everyday, I see his understanding of love. How he interacts with his Papa and I. The way he snuggles in to me, letting me know that it is time to nurse. The way he places a gentle hand upon my breast to feel the warmth of my skin. I can't get enough of my boy. He brings such joy, such deep aching love to my heart.
Every Moment IS An Opportunity To Love
Alas, here we are on this 30th day of March 2010 on what would have been Birdie's 3rd year of life, her 3rd year of living and learning to love the world. Her month is nearly over and come April I will begin the countdown again.
This I do believe. Even when my life has gone on without loving my girl, she reminds me that every EVERY moment is an opportunity to love. Tonight, I had the rare luxury of reading one of my favorite blogs MereMortal and there Leigh was speaking to each moment as an opportunity to love, reminding me once again to stay in the moment, to love, to share love, to give love, to show love.
I feel this month slipping through my fingers, like the ending pages of a book, slowly and carefully I flip the last 2 pages. I think about all of the missed opportunities to love my girl in the flesh, and I pack all these moments, all the missed time, all the missed memories and I pour it ALL into my love for my sweet boy. I want to fill him up with all of the love that naturally pours forth from me for him, and then all the love that his big sister has missed earthside.
Holdyn is the greatest opportunity to love, he is all, he is everything, he is total and complete love.
As I watch him grow everyday, I see his understanding of love. How he interacts with his Papa and I. The way he snuggles in to me, letting me know that it is time to nurse. The way he places a gentle hand upon my breast to feel the warmth of my skin. I can't get enough of my boy. He brings such joy, such deep aching love to my heart.
Every Moment IS An Opportunity To Love
Alas, here we are on this 30th day of March 2010 on what would have been Birdie's 3rd year of life, her 3rd year of living and learning to love the world. Her month is nearly over and come April I will begin the countdown again.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
New Shoes.
Today, today. Today is March 10, 2010, today Birdie would have been 3 years and one week old. Today, 3 years ago she would have been one week old. Instead, instead her spirit was flying free all around us, her body had become ash and we had begun the dreaded process of intense grief.
Today, today. March 10, 2010 my dear sweet miracle boy got his first pair of shoes (real sturdy exploration type shoes!). I couldn't let him walk around in his winter boots any longer, or his wool booties. No, it's spring here (pretty much), and he is ALL ABOUT being outside, walking around (and riding on the bike with me), exploring.
His curiosity is contagious, it is so beautiful to watch his explorations. I just love to give him as much space as he needs...until he starts heading for the street!
Holdyn is a lover of the outdoors, there is no question about this and he is helping me to regain my love of the outdoors too. It's amazing what he finds interesting when we walk around the neighborhood or in the forest. Sticks, rocks, dirt, leaves, bark of a tree etc. He doesn't need toys, all he needs are things found in the natural world, right outside his door. Its beautiful, so beautiful to watch him bloom and blossom in this way.
Tonight, I am thankful for the beautiful weather that has allowed his curiosity to run wild, I am thankful for our home (near the forest, parks, bike path), for a very hard-working husband whom I love so dearly...and for the comfortable bed (and pillow) that soon I will lay my tired body and head down upon and curl up next to my dear, sweet boy. My Holdyn.
Today, today. Today is March 10, 2010, today Birdie would have been 3 years and one week old. Today, 3 years ago she would have been one week old. Instead, instead her spirit was flying free all around us, her body had become ash and we had begun the dreaded process of intense grief.
Today, today. March 10, 2010 my dear sweet miracle boy got his first pair of shoes (real sturdy exploration type shoes!). I couldn't let him walk around in his winter boots any longer, or his wool booties. No, it's spring here (pretty much), and he is ALL ABOUT being outside, walking around (and riding on the bike with me), exploring.
His curiosity is contagious, it is so beautiful to watch his explorations. I just love to give him as much space as he needs...until he starts heading for the street!
Holdyn is a lover of the outdoors, there is no question about this and he is helping me to regain my love of the outdoors too. It's amazing what he finds interesting when we walk around the neighborhood or in the forest. Sticks, rocks, dirt, leaves, bark of a tree etc. He doesn't need toys, all he needs are things found in the natural world, right outside his door. Its beautiful, so beautiful to watch him bloom and blossom in this way.
Tonight, I am thankful for the beautiful weather that has allowed his curiosity to run wild, I am thankful for our home (near the forest, parks, bike path), for a very hard-working husband whom I love so dearly...and for the comfortable bed (and pillow) that soon I will lay my tired body and head down upon and curl up next to my dear, sweet boy. My Holdyn.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
And so she flies.
I can still remember, when the nurse came in to ask what Birdie's name was for her birth certificate. It was the afternoon of March 3 and we hadn't chosen a name for our dead daughter. We had planned to wait to meet our baby before we made such a decision, it needed to be the right name.
Without a second though, Matt looked up at the nurse with tears in his eyes (he was holding Birdie) and he said "Birdie". It was perfect. So right.
Birdie had been her nickname from early in my 3rd trimester. We were lying in bed, feeling her kick and move when I said "Birdie", that shall be the babies nickname. And so it stuck, and then became a most beautiful, most fitting name.
Birdie, she flew away on March 3, 2007. As I lay on the operating table, I watched her go as I gasped for air. The white that filled my eyes, a most pure and true shade of brightest white was her, and as I lay there thinking that I was dying...she was leaving my body. Her sweet spirit, her beautiful peaceful soul was sending my body a message. A message that it wasn't my time to go, that I was meant to stay, to stay with my family. To create another beautiful life, and there she is, present in her brother every single day. Birdie is a part of the love that created him, she is a part of the love that I feel from him. She is a part of the love that radiates our family, that keeps me wanting to be close to Holdyn...
Loving you Birdie, missing you always.
I can still remember, when the nurse came in to ask what Birdie's name was for her birth certificate. It was the afternoon of March 3 and we hadn't chosen a name for our dead daughter. We had planned to wait to meet our baby before we made such a decision, it needed to be the right name.
Without a second though, Matt looked up at the nurse with tears in his eyes (he was holding Birdie) and he said "Birdie". It was perfect. So right.
Birdie had been her nickname from early in my 3rd trimester. We were lying in bed, feeling her kick and move when I said "Birdie", that shall be the babies nickname. And so it stuck, and then became a most beautiful, most fitting name.
Birdie, she flew away on March 3, 2007. As I lay on the operating table, I watched her go as I gasped for air. The white that filled my eyes, a most pure and true shade of brightest white was her, and as I lay there thinking that I was dying...she was leaving my body. Her sweet spirit, her beautiful peaceful soul was sending my body a message. A message that it wasn't my time to go, that I was meant to stay, to stay with my family. To create another beautiful life, and there she is, present in her brother every single day. Birdie is a part of the love that created him, she is a part of the love that I feel from him. She is a part of the love that radiates our family, that keeps me wanting to be close to Holdyn...
Loving you Birdie, missing you always.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
3
3 is a magic number. We number 3 in this house, although we should number 4, 4 should be our magic number.
It's cold today, it's snowing. Conditions that remind me of the early morning of March 3, 2007 when we rushed (tried to rush despite the icy car windshield and roads) to the hospital.
Feeling low, feeling blue, trying to keep a smile as I think of the 9 months she was alive within me, wanting to smile because sweet Holdyn revives my soul.
How did we get here, to this day, 3 years later? We persevered so much trauma, so much dark mucky grief.
3 is a magic number. We number 3 in this house, although we should number 4, 4 should be our magic number.
It's cold today, it's snowing. Conditions that remind me of the early morning of March 3, 2007 when we rushed (tried to rush despite the icy car windshield and roads) to the hospital.
Feeling low, feeling blue, trying to keep a smile as I think of the 9 months she was alive within me, wanting to smile because sweet Holdyn revives my soul.
How did we get here, to this day, 3 years later? We persevered so much trauma, so much dark mucky grief.
Monday, March 01, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
And So It Cometh.
This dark and cold time of the year, so frigid, the land iced and yet my heart is warm and melting.
This is a sacred time, it is the time that 3 years ago I was feeling the wiggles of my beloved Birdie. My sweet little babe was still alive within my womb, healthy and waiting for her birth time.
No hearts were yet shattered into shards upon the frozen earth. No tears of sorrow had yet been shed. No. She was still with us, she was still with us...and o the terror, the nightmare that was too come, that would shake our world forever...that dark, dark terror that right now in this moment is so very present and writhing within me, even nearly 3 years later. I hold it close, I accept it, I let it come and shake me again and again.
Perhaps this year, the darkness that begins to fill my eyes and my heart is coming sooner than anticipated. Not until this morning at one of the weekly friday groups that me and Holdyn attend did I start to feel the longing, the sad longing that late February brings.
Today, as we sat and listened to other Mama's sharing thoughts of "Balance", I couldn't help but feel my still broken heart surface. I know that I am sensitive to things that I sometimes hear other parents say (and do), how can I not be? To hear parents complain about their living children is too much for me (even if they don't realize they are sounding this way)...it's that "if only they knew"..."if only they knew how fucking shitty life as a loss Mama/Papa/Parent can be". I see and hear things differently as a loss mama, there is no way around this for me.
Oh, how I wanted so badly to chime in, to speak from my heart, to remind these mama's that things really aren't as bad as they seem. I also felt like crying to hear some of the other comments I heard. For me to speak up would have be awkward and anger people. So, there I was, keeping my silence. I held my head low, starring at the ground and snuggled into sweet smelling, warm and tender Holdyn and whispered "I love you" in his ear.
And so, it cometh. Birdie's day and all the emotions and memories that the time between today and March 3 bring. It's getting heavy here. It's getting very, very heavy here.
Even though my heart is made lighter by the blessing of Holdyn's presence and his warm beating heart, my heart still retains a heaviness that never truly dissipates.
It's getting very, very heavy here.
This dark and cold time of the year, so frigid, the land iced and yet my heart is warm and melting.
This is a sacred time, it is the time that 3 years ago I was feeling the wiggles of my beloved Birdie. My sweet little babe was still alive within my womb, healthy and waiting for her birth time.
No hearts were yet shattered into shards upon the frozen earth. No tears of sorrow had yet been shed. No. She was still with us, she was still with us...and o the terror, the nightmare that was too come, that would shake our world forever...that dark, dark terror that right now in this moment is so very present and writhing within me, even nearly 3 years later. I hold it close, I accept it, I let it come and shake me again and again.
Perhaps this year, the darkness that begins to fill my eyes and my heart is coming sooner than anticipated. Not until this morning at one of the weekly friday groups that me and Holdyn attend did I start to feel the longing, the sad longing that late February brings.
Today, as we sat and listened to other Mama's sharing thoughts of "Balance", I couldn't help but feel my still broken heart surface. I know that I am sensitive to things that I sometimes hear other parents say (and do), how can I not be? To hear parents complain about their living children is too much for me (even if they don't realize they are sounding this way)...it's that "if only they knew"..."if only they knew how fucking shitty life as a loss Mama/Papa/Parent can be". I see and hear things differently as a loss mama, there is no way around this for me.
Oh, how I wanted so badly to chime in, to speak from my heart, to remind these mama's that things really aren't as bad as they seem. I also felt like crying to hear some of the other comments I heard. For me to speak up would have be awkward and anger people. So, there I was, keeping my silence. I held my head low, starring at the ground and snuggled into sweet smelling, warm and tender Holdyn and whispered "I love you" in his ear.
And so, it cometh. Birdie's day and all the emotions and memories that the time between today and March 3 bring. It's getting heavy here. It's getting very, very heavy here.
Even though my heart is made lighter by the blessing of Holdyn's presence and his warm beating heart, my heart still retains a heaviness that never truly dissipates.
It's getting very, very heavy here.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
This is a re-post from the Motherwear blog. I cannot believe what I have just read.
Breastmilk donations for Haiti not being used.
Reflecting the chaotic environment for aid in earthquake devastated Haiti, the urgent call for breastmilk donations issued by a number of organizations last week appears to no longer be valid.
Late last week the several health agencies issued a statement calling for a halt to the breastmilk shipments being sent to Haiti, and a Navy spokesman indicated that milk sent for use aboard the USS Comfort hasn't been used.
Time Magazine reports:
Through a complicated chain of communication involving various members of Congress, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and breast-feeding organizations galore, the Human Milk Banking Association of North America (HMBANA) dispatched two coolers' worth of donated breast milk to Haitian preemies being cared for on the U.S.S. Comfort, the floating hospital anchored near Port-au-Prince. "The fact that there is a doctor on board this ship who understands the importance of breast milk is just amazing," says Amanda Nickerson, executive director of the International Breast Milk Project, which arranged the shipment of 140 3-oz. bottles of milk. Quick International Courier, a New York City–based firm that specializes in out-of-the-ordinary cargo, handled as a pro bono matter the delivery, which involved dry ice and rapid-fire transfers between Southwest Airlines, a charter flight and finally a military helicopter.
The HMBANA cargo supplements what is likely the world's only nautical milk bank. When one of the pediatricians on board the Comfort, Dr. Erika Beard Irvine, realized that she had only three cases of formula upon arrival, she connected with breast-feeding Navy moms who had deployed and didn't know what to do with their breast milk. Beard Irvine is storing their pumped milk in the ship's freezers and feeding it to the babies under her care, including one preemie born on board.
...In the U.S., milk banks rigorously screen donors, then pasteurize, process and freeze their milk before distribution. When it's shipped to sick babies across the country, it's nestled in dry ice. Unrefrigerated, breast milk — like cow's milk — turns rancid.
That's why the World Health Organization, UNICEF and the United Nations World Food Programme issued a joint statement Jan. 21 that the necessary infrastructure isn't yet in place to utilize donated breast milk on the Haitian mainland.
MSNBC reports:
But the staff on the U.S. Navy ship [Comfort] said they haven't used the milk out of concerns raised by OFDA and other agencies. Mothers aboard the Comfort are urged to nurse their own babies and there’s infant formula available to children whose mothers cannot or will not breast-feed, said Lt. David Shark, a U.S. Navy spokesman.
I understand why it doesn't make sense to send donor milk to the mainland at this point, but I'm a little confused about why donations sent to the Comfort can't be used. The babies aboard the Comfort must be at at least a high a risk of potentially fatal complications like necrotizing enterocolitis as babies in the U.S. (see this video on how breastmilk prevents it, and this post on the cost of treating a case). Then again, maybe I shouldn't be too surprised. There are plenty of U.S. hospitals that don't use donor milk in the NICUs, and an emergency is probably a difficult time to convince people of its safety and value.
I also hope that this doesn't put a damper on the resurgence of interest in donor milk banking. Our milk banks have been experiencing a decline in donations due to H1N1, and they are still needed in many areas to help domestic hospitals care for their premature and critically ill patients.
Breastmilk donations for Haiti not being used.
Reflecting the chaotic environment for aid in earthquake devastated Haiti, the urgent call for breastmilk donations issued by a number of organizations last week appears to no longer be valid.
Late last week the several health agencies issued a statement calling for a halt to the breastmilk shipments being sent to Haiti, and a Navy spokesman indicated that milk sent for use aboard the USS Comfort hasn't been used.
Time Magazine reports:
Through a complicated chain of communication involving various members of Congress, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and breast-feeding organizations galore, the Human Milk Banking Association of North America (HMBANA) dispatched two coolers' worth of donated breast milk to Haitian preemies being cared for on the U.S.S. Comfort, the floating hospital anchored near Port-au-Prince. "The fact that there is a doctor on board this ship who understands the importance of breast milk is just amazing," says Amanda Nickerson, executive director of the International Breast Milk Project, which arranged the shipment of 140 3-oz. bottles of milk. Quick International Courier, a New York City–based firm that specializes in out-of-the-ordinary cargo, handled as a pro bono matter the delivery, which involved dry ice and rapid-fire transfers between Southwest Airlines, a charter flight and finally a military helicopter.
The HMBANA cargo supplements what is likely the world's only nautical milk bank. When one of the pediatricians on board the Comfort, Dr. Erika Beard Irvine, realized that she had only three cases of formula upon arrival, she connected with breast-feeding Navy moms who had deployed and didn't know what to do with their breast milk. Beard Irvine is storing their pumped milk in the ship's freezers and feeding it to the babies under her care, including one preemie born on board.
...In the U.S., milk banks rigorously screen donors, then pasteurize, process and freeze their milk before distribution. When it's shipped to sick babies across the country, it's nestled in dry ice. Unrefrigerated, breast milk — like cow's milk — turns rancid.
That's why the World Health Organization, UNICEF and the United Nations World Food Programme issued a joint statement Jan. 21 that the necessary infrastructure isn't yet in place to utilize donated breast milk on the Haitian mainland.
MSNBC reports:
But the staff on the U.S. Navy ship [Comfort] said they haven't used the milk out of concerns raised by OFDA and other agencies. Mothers aboard the Comfort are urged to nurse their own babies and there’s infant formula available to children whose mothers cannot or will not breast-feed, said Lt. David Shark, a U.S. Navy spokesman.
I understand why it doesn't make sense to send donor milk to the mainland at this point, but I'm a little confused about why donations sent to the Comfort can't be used. The babies aboard the Comfort must be at at least a high a risk of potentially fatal complications like necrotizing enterocolitis as babies in the U.S. (see this video on how breastmilk prevents it, and this post on the cost of treating a case). Then again, maybe I shouldn't be too surprised. There are plenty of U.S. hospitals that don't use donor milk in the NICUs, and an emergency is probably a difficult time to convince people of its safety and value.
I also hope that this doesn't put a damper on the resurgence of interest in donor milk banking. Our milk banks have been experiencing a decline in donations due to H1N1, and they are still needed in many areas to help domestic hospitals care for their premature and critically ill patients.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I am posting this here because I can remember after Birdie died wanting to donate the precious milk that was meant for her. I was talked out of doing this. Now, with the ability I have to nurse my second born, my miracle baby (now toddler), perhaps I can do my part to save someone else's sick or prematurely born baby.
Urgent call for breastmilk donations for Haiti.
Here's a press release on breastmilk donations for Haiti, just released from numerous breastfeeding organizations:
URGENT CALL FOR HUMAN MILK DONATIONS FOR HAITI INFANTS
The Human Milk Banking Association of North America (HMBANA), United States Breastfeeding Committee (USBC), International Lactation Consultant Association/United States Lactation Consultant Association (ILCA/USLCA), and La Leche League International (LLLI) are jointly issuing an urgent call for human milk donations for premature infants in Haiti, as well as sick and premature infants in the United States.
This week the first shipment of human milk from mothers in the United States will be shipped to the U.S. Navy Ship “Comfort” stationed outside Haiti. “Comfort” is currently set up with a neonatal intensive care unit and medical personnel to provide urgent care to victims of the earthquake. An International Board Certified Lactation Consultant stationed at the U.S. Navy base in Bethesda, MD is assisting with providing breast pump equipment and supplies to the “Comfort.” Dr. Erika Beard-Irvine, pediatric neonatologist, is on board the “Comfort” to coordinate distribution of the milk to infants in need. HMBANA, USBC, ILCA/USLCA, and LLL are responding to requests to provide milk for both premature infants and at-risk mothers who have recently delivered babies on board the U.S.N.S. Comfort, but an urgent need exists for additional donations.
At the current time, the infrastructure to deliver human milk on land to Haiti infants has not yet been established. As soon as that infrastructure is in place, additional donations will be provided to older infants.
Mothers who are willing to donate human milk should contact their regional Mothers’ Milk Bank of HMBANA. A list of regional milk banks is available at the HMBANA website at www.hmbana.org.
Currently milk banks are already low on donor milk. New milk donations will be used for both Haiti victims as well as to replenish donor supplies to continue to serve sick and premature infants in the U.S. Donor milk provides unique protection for fragile preterm infants. Financial donations are also strongly encouraged to allow HMBANA, a nonprofit organization, to continue serving infants in need.
UNICEF, the World Health Organization, the Emergency Nutrition Network, and medical professionals all recommend that breastfeeding and human milk be used for infants in disasters or emergencies. Human milk is life-saving due to its disease prevention properties. It is safe, clean, and does not depend on water which is often unavailable or contaminated in an emergency. Relief workers, health care providers, and other volunteers are urged to provide support for breastfeeding mothers to enable them to continue breastfeeding, and to assist pregnant and postpartum women in initiating and sustaining breastfeeding.
For more information, contact HMBANA at 408-998-4550 or www.hmbana.org . Additional information can be provided from the United States Breastfeeding Committee at 202-367-1132 (www.usbreastfeeding.org), ILCA/USLCA at 1-800-452-2478 (www.ilca.org or www.uslca.org ), or La Leche League at 847-519-7730 (www.llli.org).
Urgent call for breastmilk donations for Haiti.
Here's a press release on breastmilk donations for Haiti, just released from numerous breastfeeding organizations:
URGENT CALL FOR HUMAN MILK DONATIONS FOR HAITI INFANTS
The Human Milk Banking Association of North America (HMBANA), United States Breastfeeding Committee (USBC), International Lactation Consultant Association/United States Lactation Consultant Association (ILCA/USLCA), and La Leche League International (LLLI) are jointly issuing an urgent call for human milk donations for premature infants in Haiti, as well as sick and premature infants in the United States.
This week the first shipment of human milk from mothers in the United States will be shipped to the U.S. Navy Ship “Comfort” stationed outside Haiti. “Comfort” is currently set up with a neonatal intensive care unit and medical personnel to provide urgent care to victims of the earthquake. An International Board Certified Lactation Consultant stationed at the U.S. Navy base in Bethesda, MD is assisting with providing breast pump equipment and supplies to the “Comfort.” Dr. Erika Beard-Irvine, pediatric neonatologist, is on board the “Comfort” to coordinate distribution of the milk to infants in need. HMBANA, USBC, ILCA/USLCA, and LLL are responding to requests to provide milk for both premature infants and at-risk mothers who have recently delivered babies on board the U.S.N.S. Comfort, but an urgent need exists for additional donations.
At the current time, the infrastructure to deliver human milk on land to Haiti infants has not yet been established. As soon as that infrastructure is in place, additional donations will be provided to older infants.
Mothers who are willing to donate human milk should contact their regional Mothers’ Milk Bank of HMBANA. A list of regional milk banks is available at the HMBANA website at www.hmbana.org.
Currently milk banks are already low on donor milk. New milk donations will be used for both Haiti victims as well as to replenish donor supplies to continue to serve sick and premature infants in the U.S. Donor milk provides unique protection for fragile preterm infants. Financial donations are also strongly encouraged to allow HMBANA, a nonprofit organization, to continue serving infants in need.
UNICEF, the World Health Organization, the Emergency Nutrition Network, and medical professionals all recommend that breastfeeding and human milk be used for infants in disasters or emergencies. Human milk is life-saving due to its disease prevention properties. It is safe, clean, and does not depend on water which is often unavailable or contaminated in an emergency. Relief workers, health care providers, and other volunteers are urged to provide support for breastfeeding mothers to enable them to continue breastfeeding, and to assist pregnant and postpartum women in initiating and sustaining breastfeeding.
For more information, contact HMBANA at 408-998-4550 or www.hmbana.org . Additional information can be provided from the United States Breastfeeding Committee at 202-367-1132 (www.usbreastfeeding.org), ILCA/USLCA at 1-800-452-2478 (www.ilca.org or www.uslca.org ), or La Leche League at 847-519-7730 (www.llli.org).
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I'm Not Always Who I Appear To Be
Tonight I met with a very kind and gently loss mama who's dear sweet girl died in October. She reminds me so much of where I was nearly 3 years ago, and as we spoke I couldn't believe where I am now. Can it really be, nearly 3 years since our Bird flew from us?
For many months now I have been feeling a great distance from my connection to Birdie, and I have been feeling a great amount of guilt. How could I let this happen? How can I bring myself to re-connect to that place within me? That deep well of a once shattered heart that became healed through the miraculous birth of a miracle named Holdyn...it still remains somewhat cracked.
Speaking with this very sweet babylost mama brought me back to places that I haven't been able to tap into for a very long time. To share each others stories felt really good, to cry together, to see the photos of her beautiful girl...
Meeting this mama was so important, and I hope that we will become great friends and perhaps I can help her find her way through the treacherous grief journey as my dear friend Carol helped me starting back in March of 2007, when I first called her and said, "I'm Erin, Birdie's Mama".
The title of this post, it is something that I have been pondering very heavily tonight. As I sit here, on my couch, excited for yet another new day with my sweet boy that I am sure will begin shortly after dawn. That I am not always who I appear to be...this is true. It seems easy I think though for people in my community of mothers to forget sometimes, where I am coming from. Holdyn and I have blended ourselves into the normalcy of our community of weekly Mama/Baby groups. At times I am just so sad about this because obviously, I have a child with me, but when we are asked to introduce ourselves I do not mention that I also have another child, a daughter who died and her name is Birdie.
I love the community that we are blending ourselves into, but as March begins it's approach I worry that my babylost mama self might rear her head if I hear someone complain, or say something that pisses me off. I will try not to sound off, I will try to remain composed and proper.
Why does it feel like I can't say that I am not only Holdyn's mama, but also Birdie's mama too? Why do I hide myself from my every day, every minute reality? The loss is ALWAYS with me, ALWAYS. Even if you can't see it, this is who I am and who I will always be.
Truly though, I am not always who I appear to be (and the woman standing next to you in line at the coffee shop might not either).
Tonight I met with a very kind and gently loss mama who's dear sweet girl died in October. She reminds me so much of where I was nearly 3 years ago, and as we spoke I couldn't believe where I am now. Can it really be, nearly 3 years since our Bird flew from us?
For many months now I have been feeling a great distance from my connection to Birdie, and I have been feeling a great amount of guilt. How could I let this happen? How can I bring myself to re-connect to that place within me? That deep well of a once shattered heart that became healed through the miraculous birth of a miracle named Holdyn...it still remains somewhat cracked.
Speaking with this very sweet babylost mama brought me back to places that I haven't been able to tap into for a very long time. To share each others stories felt really good, to cry together, to see the photos of her beautiful girl...
Meeting this mama was so important, and I hope that we will become great friends and perhaps I can help her find her way through the treacherous grief journey as my dear friend Carol helped me starting back in March of 2007, when I first called her and said, "I'm Erin, Birdie's Mama".
The title of this post, it is something that I have been pondering very heavily tonight. As I sit here, on my couch, excited for yet another new day with my sweet boy that I am sure will begin shortly after dawn. That I am not always who I appear to be...this is true. It seems easy I think though for people in my community of mothers to forget sometimes, where I am coming from. Holdyn and I have blended ourselves into the normalcy of our community of weekly Mama/Baby groups. At times I am just so sad about this because obviously, I have a child with me, but when we are asked to introduce ourselves I do not mention that I also have another child, a daughter who died and her name is Birdie.
I love the community that we are blending ourselves into, but as March begins it's approach I worry that my babylost mama self might rear her head if I hear someone complain, or say something that pisses me off. I will try not to sound off, I will try to remain composed and proper.
Why does it feel like I can't say that I am not only Holdyn's mama, but also Birdie's mama too? Why do I hide myself from my every day, every minute reality? The loss is ALWAYS with me, ALWAYS. Even if you can't see it, this is who I am and who I will always be.
Truly though, I am not always who I appear to be (and the woman standing next to you in line at the coffee shop might not either).
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Happy New Year!
I have had so many posts in my head these last few weeks, but finding the time to write here has been difficult with my working part time at night when Holdyn is asleep. I get so tired while I work that I space out and just need to sleep when I finish my work.
SO!!! Here's just a little update.
Holdyn is walking, he started walking full on right before Christmas and he is now a completely confident little toddling ball of joy. He has also been saying Papa/Dada-ish words for a few weeks, and just a few days ago started to make Mama/Mommy-ish words and then...he stared to say Mommy! Mommy! It's so makes me melt every single time I hear him say Mommy!
We have a walking and talking little toddler! It's amazing and so joyful. My heart is so full, and of course I am bursting with love.
Our new home is becoming more settled with each week...
We are very happy, and so thankful for each other.
I have had so many posts in my head these last few weeks, but finding the time to write here has been difficult with my working part time at night when Holdyn is asleep. I get so tired while I work that I space out and just need to sleep when I finish my work.
SO!!! Here's just a little update.
Holdyn is walking, he started walking full on right before Christmas and he is now a completely confident little toddling ball of joy. He has also been saying Papa/Dada-ish words for a few weeks, and just a few days ago started to make Mama/Mommy-ish words and then...he stared to say Mommy! Mommy! It's so makes me melt every single time I hear him say Mommy!
We have a walking and talking little toddler! It's amazing and so joyful. My heart is so full, and of course I am bursting with love.
Our new home is becoming more settled with each week...
We are very happy, and so thankful for each other.
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