And So It Cometh.

This dark and cold time of the year, so frigid, the land iced and yet my heart is warm and melting.

This is a sacred time, it is the time that 3 years ago I was feeling the wiggles of my beloved Birdie. My sweet little babe was still alive within my womb, healthy and waiting for her birth time.

No hearts were yet shattered into shards upon the frozen earth. No tears of sorrow had yet been shed. No. She was still with us, she was still with us...and o the terror, the nightmare that was too come, that would shake our world forever...that dark, dark terror that right now in this moment is so very present and writhing within me, even nearly 3 years later. I hold it close, I accept it, I let it come and shake me again and again.

Perhaps this year, the darkness that begins to fill my eyes and my heart is coming sooner than anticipated. Not until this morning at one of the weekly friday groups that me and Holdyn attend did I start to feel the longing, the sad longing that late February brings.

Today, as we sat and listened to other Mama's sharing thoughts of "Balance", I couldn't help but feel my still broken heart surface. I know that I am sensitive to things that I sometimes hear other parents say (and do), how can I not be? To hear parents complain about their living children is too much for me (even if they don't realize they are sounding this way)...it's that "if only they knew"..."if only they knew how fucking shitty life as a loss Mama/Papa/Parent can be". I see and hear things differently as a loss mama, there is no way around this for me.

Oh, how I wanted so badly to chime in, to speak from my heart, to remind these mama's that things really aren't as bad as they seem. I also felt like crying to hear some of the other comments I heard. For me to speak up would have be awkward and anger people. So, there I was, keeping my silence. I held my head low, starring at the ground and snuggled into sweet smelling, warm and tender Holdyn and whispered "I love you" in his ear.

And so, it cometh. Birdie's day and all the emotions and memories that the time between today and March 3 bring. It's getting heavy here. It's getting very, very heavy here.

Even though my heart is made lighter by the blessing of Holdyn's presence and his warm beating heart, my heart still retains a heaviness that never truly dissipates.

It's getting very, very heavy here.