Her Milk.
(part 2)
Yes. YES. YES it would have been OK.
It would have been absolutely OK to have gently compressed my breast to release a single drop of colostrum. To watch it slowly come forth and then slowly release and drop upon her darkened lips...
Maybe there would have been, could have been some magical elixir within the properties of her milk to revive her stopped heart, something that science would not ever be able to explain to ever so gently rock and palpitate her blood...rushing surges of the life giving milk that was meant only for her. Perhaps as her mama, with the milk coming into my breasts there could have been a glimmer of miracle milk!
Many who know me now, as I am, as a Mama to my living child know of my loss but I don't know that they are fully aware or think about this part of my loss. I don't know that many people who knew me then, friend or family even gave a thought to the additional loss that losing Birdie's milk felt like. It was a double heart break, a second shattering of the future.
In hindsight it feels as though the importance of her milk was completely ignored because "they" were scared of allowing it to come. I don't know that I was. I don't know that I really thought about it until those around me were trying so many things to get it to cease.
NOW. I want her milk back. I want her milk to rush in, I want to know what that first experience of engorgement. I want her milk back.
OK. So, now that I have gotten here, now that I am in this head space knowing what I now know about Mama Milk and the MAGIC it really does behold I can share that there is a glimmer, a whisper of Birdie's milk that is still present, it is present every single time that Holdyn nurses from my breasts...as after each birth of a baby the Mama's breasts lay down more Oxytocin receptors. So, when I think about the loss of being able to nurse her, the loss of her milk coming forth, it comes forth now for her little brother and in a very generous way even now 2 years after his miraculous birth...her milk is here now in harmony with his milk.
1 comment:
Oh god, I so know what you mean. I too thought I could "feed her back to life". I pulled her to my breast and something deep within me wanted to offer it to her, but I didn't. Then the following day, as is the protocol here in Australia and I was just too dazed, grief-stricken and confused to do anything about it, I was given a pill to stop the milk all together. And it broke my heart all over again. I am so glad I have had such a pleasant and easy nursing experience with Angus. He's nearly one and we're not slowing down any time yet and that is because I feel like I have so much extra to give him, because of all that she missed out on.
Beautiful post and every word rang true for me.
xo
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