I cannot find the right, appropriate words to express my confusion, anger and sorrow for the tragic sudden death of our former midwife's son. When I spoke over the phone with Matt (who is away on a film shoot) about the death of T's son, he was beside himself. We are both beside ourselves, and I want to claw my way to her and cradle her in my arms the way that she cradled me and loved me after Birdie died. I am left with a tremendous feeling of guilt for having pushed her away after so many months. Things just got too hard, and she had been too close to what happened. I knew damn well the good person, the beautiful woman, the good friend that I shut out. It was just too hard, and I was furious that she could continue on helping mama's give birth to their babies safely at home. Too close. It was all too much.

When I found T on FB I friended her, and casually would say hello. Curious about her, and her lovely family who live out in the beauty of nature. I wondered about her, pondered making plans, but never followed through. I was scared.

About a month or so ago, I was looking through photos on her FB profile to "check in", to see how her children had grown. I commented about how beautiful her daughter is, with an offer to photograph her and her daughter. Never hearing a reply, I figured she was not interested.

This last thursday, when I learned of her son's death, I was so caught off guard and realized how much of her life I had missed out on these nearly 4 years.

What can I do for her? It's like I am a stranger with this distance of time.

Fuck, I remember so clearly EVERYTHING that she did for us. She stayed by us, she stayed by us.