Thoughts on My Mothering Journey (as I embark upon the journey to become a LLL Leader)
My mothering journey began nearly four years ago on March 3, 2007 when my first child, Birdie was born still after a 24 hour labor at home (for a planned homebirth) turned emergency and an emergent c-section to try to save her life. I had read so much about breastfeeding on various natural birth blogs, breastfeeding blogs, the Sears books…I knew that it was going to be right for me and my baby and for our family. Then, after the death of our daughter, when her milk came in and immediate steps were taken to make the milk go away, something within me awoke, even at the beginning of my grief journey, something deep inside my soul drove me to believe that someday I would have a living child to nurse, someday the precious milk my body was very capable of making would nourish a living child.
It was around day four after arriving home from the hospital with no baby that I noticed that there was some milk present and quietly pooling within my breasts, it leaked just enough that I reluctantly and desperately opened the package of “organic nursing” pads that I had received as a gift at our baby shower months before my due date. (Baby shower’s to me now feel very uncomfortable until one’s baby is in fact earthside, alive & breathing)
I was told not to take a shower that would be too hot, that the hot water if it got upon my breasts could cause the milk to come out. I headed this warning, though there were a few times when in my deep grief I stopped caring if the milk poured forth and made damn sure that my breasts, my nipples felt the hot water. I wanted to know what my babies milk would have looked like, what did it feel like? Taste like? I can remember the homebirth midwives telling me “ You look like a milky mama”. I felt that I was meant to be too, with all the weight I had put on. Pre-pregnancy my body is petite/slender 115lbs, during pregnancy I put on 60-70lbs. As it turns out, I grow really big babies! Birdie was 9 lbs 5 oz and 22 inches long! So, I can only guess how her milk would have nourished her to grow and gain quickly.
Losing Birdie lead me to lose myself for a time. I became very enthralled in the darkness of my grief. For a long time I couldn’t stand to be near pregnant women, babies, families. It all made me sick. I turned inwards, I let go of my hopes, my dreams to be that natural, lovely breastfeeding mama that I had envisioned for those 9 months. My world was turned upside down, my heart shattered into millions of pieces, my soul blackened, and my hair began to gray. For a long time, it was all too much. So, I stepped away, but I started to “journal” or “blog” about my very different mothering experience. It was all I could do most days, for months but to write out what was inside my heart, my heart that still held a beat, but probably skipped from time to time when all I could do was think about how much I loved and missed my girl so desperately.
(more to come)
1 comment:
When I was pregnant with my son it seems like I read everything there was to read on breastfeeding. I was devoted to it. I would not give my son anything but what was naturally his. Women warned that some mother's milk doesn't come in, and I quickly shushed them. I would never give up. I wouldn't let there be any excuses. I absolutely would nurse my son. When he was born still, I was devastated and it was all that more of a slap in the face to feel the swelling and to know it was for nothing. I considered the idea of still pumping and donating, but I couldn't bring myself to be that selfless. The milk was meant for my son, and for no one else. I was so angry for so long, and somedays still find myself admittedly judgemental when I see formula being fed to babies. I just want to shake the women and tell them what a precious gift they have and to stop giving their babies crap. But knowing I can produce milk for my future children gives me a little peace to know I will be able to nourish them and bond with them in the way I never got to with my precious son.
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