Birdie You Would Be 7 Weeks Now...

Sweet, Sweet little Birdie. I cannot believe that you would be almost 2 months old if you were still alive. Its so disturbing that you are not alive. When I stop and really think about your death, you-just a little helpless baby it angers me so much. How can a perfect little tiny baby die? I am so much more aware of the fragility and the uncertainty of life. It is a lesson that I did not want to learn, nor do I feel like we needed to learn this. I feel like I have always valued life, and I began to value the miracle of life...your life when I learned you were growing inside of me. What a beautiful feeling, that first moment I knew about you, that in 9 months I would be holding YOU! Our perfect, beautiful little baby. No, we had not been planning to make you, but we had, and we were so ecstatic over having made you! I will never understand nor will anyone, why you had to leave us the way you did.

Today Papa and I had our genetic testing appointment, ultimately we got no answers.

Nothing to help us answer and of the whys or how's about your death. You, your short life and sudden death are a mystery and a miracle all at the same time. Your beginning was beautiful, your life inside my womb was beautiful...and you showed me your death was beautiful. I truly want to believe that, I do. Birdie, I don't want to be sad when I think about you, but it's truly hard not to be. I wanted to show you so many things, I was so excited to be able to spend time with you everyday. I was going to take you to town, show you off to everyone...to spend time outside on the porch, watch the Birdie's come and eat and hear them sing. Your Papa and me both wanted these things and so much more. So any people tell me you are ok where you are, or that people they know that have died are with you looking out for you. How do we really know this is true? We have not received any sign that this is true. I cannot believe any of that until you show me that you are ok, but how can you? How would a newborn baby know how to do this?

I am so disturbed by this, it makes no sense at all. How is it that you are here living with us, your body in an urn? The ashes of your body, all that I worked so hard for by eating the healthiest organic foods is sitting on our mantle? Your baby body cremated to ash, its so messed up. Babies shouldn't die, they just shouldn't! We want you to be here Birdie! Is there some miracle you can perform to make yourself come back to life? Can you undo all that has been done? Can you make us all go back in time? Mama & Papa just want your little baby body alive and here with us so that we can love you in this place, in this life NOW!

So, today was our genetic testing meeting, and we got no answers. Just some suggestions of tests to have the "next time". I can't believe we have to even go there to think of the "next time". We want the baby that we made, that I grew.
WE WANT BIRDIE! I am feeling anxious about so much right now, I'm anxious about Birdie (obviously), getting pregnant again (and hoping it will all be ok "next time", my age (even though I am only 28-I will be 29 soon), the unknowns of my family history (i am adopted).

Is this real? Is this really my life now? Did Birdie really die? What the fuck!

So, friday I went to a "Sew-cial", it was super good to go to. The sew-cial was an evening of hanging out with women who I have never met before. I brought my knitting, and some other did to and others were sewing. We hung out, talked about knitting, sewing, family etc. It felt good to get out (i had not really left the house much-and if I did it was to go to a "safe place"). So, I got out and I had a good time. I cannot believe I said that! It's true I did have a good time, it was hard to hear other women talking about their kids though. The women there are around my age, you know the baby making age. Well, after about an hour of being there a baby came in in stroller. In my head I was freaking out, but I kept cool...for a little bit. The mama of the baby sat at my table and set up her sewing machine, she was really nice. Shortly after talking a little bit, someone told her her baby was awake, so she went and got the baby and started to nurse. I was super happy she was nursing her baby, but inside I was dying...my body, my breasts ached for Birdie. It became a little too much for me to sit right next to a nursing mama, so I politely got up and excused myself. The other women/mamas said there goodbyes and I left. It was probably around 8pm, and it was dark outside....when I waked out the door and got to the corner, a beautiful bird began to sing! I was already crying a little, but that got me! It was like Birdie was right there saying hello I love you Mama!

What I didn't write about going to the sew-cial, is that I normally wouldn't just go to something like that, I am usually too shy. However then woman who started it was very encouraging and supportive of me coming to it (I told her about Birdie, and she is a Mama herself). As soon as I walked in the door and introduced myself she walked over to me and gave me a great big hug. That made me feel so welcome, it was so sweet. Then, in talking with the other women at my table that night...we were talking about our midwives, one of them happened to have the same midwife as me! So, I told them what had happened....I wanted them to know how great our homebirth experience and my labor had been until it all changed. I still do feel proud of myself for laboring without drugs, It made me really see how strong I am. Anyways, I wanted these women to know that I am a Mama too! They were all so sweet...so very kind. I felt like I had done the right thing going there. I will try and go again this week...maybe I will last longer around a nursing mama.

Yesterday (sunday) I helped do some planting in our yard. We have a great landlady...she is more like family to us now. Anyway, she and a friend had been planning a garden, and so I helped plant some seeds and lots of wildflowers to fill in the dirt areas where weeds used to be. I ended up spending the whole day outside (i took a break for 1 hour, that was it!). I was outside from 11:30-6pm! For any of you fellow gardeners I have a question. The soil in our yard was tested, and there are moderate levels of lead...is it safe for me to be around if we are hoping to get pregnant again in the next 9 mos or so? If I shouldn't be around the dirt in the yard let me know, I don't want to take the risk!

I cannot believe I wrote this much, my fingers hurt!

All love and peace. Birdie, I love you...................
xo-Mama Erin