Yesterday we went out to get me some new pants. I am sick of wearing the maternity pants that I had been wearing just about everyday when I was pregnant, and since I have again been able to wear pants. I mean not that I am sick of them, they are nice reminders of being pregnant with Birdie, but I just needed a change. Well, shopping was so depressing, SO DEPRESSING! It felt horrible in so many ways. I couldn't fit into anything. Pants, shirts and skirts...everything looked horrific to me! I still have a lot of my extra pregnancy weight (and a belly that makes me look pregnant, I am afraid of someone asking how far along I am!)because I have to wait to go back to the gym. I don't have a baby to nurse to help me loose my weight either! DAMMIT! Shopping reminded me of this...and it also made me remember how small I was when I got pregnant (110-115 lbs). I am a petite person so I look a little overweight. Atleast I think I do, my very sweet husband does not; he always says he loves my figure no matter what. Well despite all this, shopping sucked. I wanted to fit into all the cute little clothes I used to like shopping for, but I had to settle for sweat pant like pants because NOTHING FITS ME RIGHT! Then on top of all this my belly is sticking out, and I look like I am 20 weeks pregnant! See for yourself below. Photo on the left is me at 20 weeks, on the right I am 1 month 1 day after c-section.
Today is a really shitty day, its raining and gray outside...I cried my eyes out for a bit while our sweet boxer girl Macy tried to kiss my tears away, and Matt is teaching this afternoon. I am missing Birdie SO MUCH! Some days it's not so bad and we get through it without crying, but not today I'm afraid, not today. Also, I want to share with you all photos of my c-section scar...it might be hard for some of you to see, I understand. But I feel I need to share this, after all it is where our Birdie was born from, it is a hard scar for a woman to have but it is also a reminder of the birth of our babies and so it somehow transforms and becomes beautiful. It is still very hard for me to look in the mirror and see my scar, its still so recent. At the same time when I run my fingers over it I am connected to Birdie. Oh, my darling Birdie I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! SO MUCH!
21 comments:
There is a website that you can visit someday called "The Shape of A Mother" where women share photos of their stretchmarks, scars, etc. Currently there is no infant/pregnancy loss category that I could see, but someone should advocate for one.
I hesitated to bring this up because I know the photos might be too painful to look at right now (or perhaps ever - this is why I didn't provide a link - you can google it if/when you are ready.)
I mentioned it only because all mothers' bodies are beautiful whether you hold your dear baby in your heart or in your arms.
Oh Honey,
I can't imagine how hard this is for you. But you can't be too hard on yourself about how you look. You, like most moms, have the badges of motherhood. I have stretch marks from head to toe! Remember how huge I was when I was pregnant with Noah? After I saw all of your amazing photos, I regreted not letting you take pictures of my very pregnant body. It took 9 months to get your new shape, so give yourself lots of time to heal. You, Matt, and Birdie are in my constant thoughts. I have loved you from far off, and hope that at some time it will be okay to spend time with you.
All my love,
your cousin Meagan
Hello again from a fellow blogger who visits your site regulary to see how you are are doing.
My heart still aches for you and your husband. When I am out shopping and see an angel or figurine it immediately reminds me of your sweet darling Birdie and I wish I could send it to you to help heal your heart and to let you know that there are strangers out there that would anything to make things better for you. Even just a little bit. If there was ever a time that you need to be gentle with yourself it is now. What you have gone through is just horrific. I was told at the age of 30 that I would never be able to have a child and had a hysterectomy and have the same scar as you. To this day even though the scar has faded it still reminds me of the loss of my dream. I recall how I felt and how it must be for you to have carried this beautiful child and then to tragicaly lose her. Be good to yourself and take the time you need to heal your sole. You are in my thoughts a prayers.
A Caring Canadian
i just wanted to write and say i'm so sorry about birdie. my first baby was stillborn almost two years ago, at 38 weeks. like birdie, she was heartbreakingly beautiful. there's really nothing i can say to help, except i understand your grief. take care of yourself.
I know it is so, so hard to have all of the normal recovery from pregnancy, and yet no baby in arms. I looked like you do one month post-partum after the loss of my twins, and in fact for a lot longer. It was so hard to know that people assumed I was pregnant since there were no babies in tow. I remember the depressing shopping trips. Everything you described... It is so hard. It will be hard for a long time. But it will slowly, almost imperceptibly, begin to get a little easier. But there's no way you can see that yet. I wish you could. I wish I could hold up a crystal ball for you so you could see the ways that Birdie will forever remain an integral part of your life, but that you will not always be tortured by this pain. I wish I could...
Erin- I wanted to let you know I responded to your question on my Blog. Just wanted to let you know in case you didn't pop back there.
I think I already recommended this to you, but if you haven't discovered the book "Life Touches Life" by Lorraine Ash, I think you would appreciate her perspective. It's beautifully written.
Just typing to say hello and see how you're doing. I still think of you everyday. You may not think so but, Erin, you look really good. Take care, Love, Michelle D.
Thank goodness for loving partners. It is so so hard to have a postpartum body without the baby. Every time I notice or complain about my chubbier belly, I feel a pang of I don't know what - guilt? sadness? anger? But then I feel the same feelings every time I notice my pants getting a bit looser.
I love your pictures, and I admire you for posting them.
Sweet woman, be gentle with yourself. Rage, mourn, weep, breathe. I wish you the most love possible to walk through your life with this pain. You are loved by many stranger friends who think you are a beautiful strong woman and mother.
The scar is beautiful because it connects you permanently to your beautiful little daughter. It is how she entered the world, and how everyone tried to save her.
I would think that to have experienced her birth the way you did, and not have a scar would in some ways be more sad. This way, her entry into the world and your body are one for life. It's a walking memorial of sorts.
Your belly is beautiful, sweetie. It is a testament to the love you feel for your daughter.
just found your blog for the first time. don't know what to say, even after three of my own losses.
your daughter is beautiful. the pictures are incredible. thank god you have those pictures. they will be a source of comfort in the months and years to come.
i wish i had some words of wisdom. i got through my most recent loss by staring into space like a wounded animal, listening to the garden state soundtrack, imbibing in some medicinal herb, planting dahlias, crying myself to sleep.
so sorry to have to welcome you to the deadbabyland part of the blogosphere.
I am so sorry. I had a stillborn myself. I wish I could be with you and just hold your hand. You are in my thoughts.
You daughter is beautiful.
Your daughter is beautiful. And your beauty is impossible to miss...scar or no scar. I'm so sorry...so very sorry...for all that you have lost.
I am so very sorry for your loss.
Your daughter is beautiful.
I'm so very sorry for your loss, I have no other words to say.
My sincerest condolences for your loss. As someone who has also lost a child, I know that it can be just devastating.
Cassie-b
I am so sorry for your loss. Your sweet Birdie is so beautiful. I pray that in time you will begin to feel some measure of peace within yourselves.
I just came upon your blog from another and I am just so sad for your loss. She is so beautiful! I have 3 children, last one born in November, all 3 were c-section and I cannot imagine the scar (war wound) with out the reward. She had a purpose here on earth she brought so much love to you and your husband. I pray that you will heal in time.
You are beautiful inside and out... period.
Erin - i'm so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts; even though you don't know me. Your story moves me and I'll check back on you.
Shape of a Mother has a lots of belly shots but empty arms women. My friends baby was born still two weeks ago tonight. I just don't know what to say. I cried with her this evening... I cried with your words this afternoon.
Sorry just doesn't seem to be enough. Never enough.
Your daughter is painfully beautiful. You are too...
take care.
K
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