Yesterday was so intense...no everyday is!
I appologize if I scared some of you, family, friends, midwives and strangers. Yesterday was just so absolutely horrible, and I felt like I was losing my mind.
Today is no so bad, I still have some self guilt lingering I have to admit. I do know that really, ultimately what happened to Birdie was not my fault. The hard thing is feeling that as her mother I should have somehow had the magical mama powers to keep her alive, to convince her to fight to stay alive just for a few more minutes! I cannot help but replay how things took such a dramatic turn for the horrific! I have to do this, this is part of my grieving and I know that is all it is. Matt and I had a very long and tearfull talk last night after he read what I had wrote, he had not seen what I wrote and I felt really bad about that. We are totally open and honest about everything but I just didn't want to scare him with my deepest and scary emotions. Though I know that he does not get scared about anything that has to do with me, he is amazing and accepting of everything. Anyways, he let me blurt out all the shit I had to get out to cry hysterically into his neck and snot all over my hand.
Like I said today is better, just a wee bit. I went to whole foods and picked up a few homeopathic stress remedies, I could ask one of our midwives for something stronger, but I am terrified of drugs and I don't want to become addicted. I don't have that kind of personality anyways, but I want to avoid them anyways. I am on a special fertility diet to heal and keep my girls ready for when we try again (not for at least 9 months), so those crazy girl pills are out of the question.
I can't believe I am writing about that! Dammit! I should not have to be writing or even thinking about having another baby...we should have our Birdie!
Ok, thats enough I should take a breather here.
By the way, thank you EVERYONE for your very gentle and comforting words.
I love you all, even though I don't know some of you.
10 comments:
Isn't it odd how, from day to day, our emotions can change? I know you have many many hard days to come, but with time comes peace...and peace makes room for joy. I hope and pray you can find some joy soon, even if it has to be in Birdie's memory.
I've read for the first time many of your posts. I've cried and cried. I remember loosing our first although I never got to see him cause he was gone before he was old enough to birth. I do not know what your heart is feeling although I feel grief with you and a strange kinship.
So many forget both Mom and Dad grieve...each in their own way. I am glad you got to hold your little one.
If you need anything...a person to vent on...let me know.
I pray God wraps his arms of love around both of you tonight and holds you ever so tight. I pray He whispers in your ears His comfort and gives you hope for the children to come and repairs the brokenness of this loss.
I pray He turns your tears into joy...I like this..."He gives us beauty for ashes...the oil of joy for mourning...the garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness"
I think Birdie must be meeting Christopher today...
checking in again on you today ... your words have been in my head and in my heart all night ... the words of a mama ... I also felt that my love, my great roaring mama power should have been enough to save my Emma .. and that I didn't / couldn't fills me with guilt .. even though there was nothing I could have done.
Holding you in my thoughts and heart ... know that we are here, caring for you and sending waves of love & support.
I have a little gift I would love to send you ... I wonder if theres a way you could e.mail me your address ( please feel free to check me out with Catherine Nicolas's Mummy )
all love
Denise - in the UK
x
Denise in the UK.
I want to email you but I don't know where your blog is, I cannot find it.
Erin =)
I stumbled upon your blog through blogher.org, I want to conceive in about 3 months and was curious about the vegetarian mom/vegan baby title. Once I opened it, I was heartbroken by your family's sadness but at the same time in awe of your courage to chronicle your hurt with your beautiful photography and words. I wish you all the best, especially 9 months from now. If you do decide to have your next birth in the hospital don't think you're compromising your values or beliefs.
Erin- I know it is so hard to think about having another baby when you should be blissfully busy with your Birdie, and not even considering another one for the time being. But I also want you to know that thoughts, even consuming thoughts, about having another baby are very natural. Many women after the loss of a baby experience the conflicting emotions of desperately wanting another baby, and yet fearing another pregnancy. You are wise to give yourself more time, but also know that it is normal to feel consumed by these thoughts both of Birdie, and of future little ones.
And yes... unfortunately coping with the guilt and all of the "what ifs" seems to be part of the grieving process for many of us. I have certainly done my share of wrestling with questions that have no answers.
Vanessa,
How dare you say that Erin would be "compromising her values or beliefs"?
Look at the tragedy she and Matt have just suffered! Don't you think they want to do everything humanly possible to monitor their future births? It is really ignorant to think that just because you're vegan or vegetarian it would be "wrong" to give birth in a hospital or birthing center! You can still go natural and have a say in the care you receive.
I've still been thinking of you alot and it seems that you and Matt have such great support for each other. I can imagine it might be a big stress on the marriage with the loss of a child.
I tried my best to push away the guilt when my C. died (umbilical cord accident). However, it just kept sneaking up on me. It was eating away at me from the inside out. So one night, at 2:30 in the morning, I got up and wrote a huge list of all the reasons why his death was my fault. And as I read through it, I realized that each of the reasons I wrote down was nonsensical. None of them made any true sense. I did the best I could with the information I had at that point in time. Had I miraculously know that C. was cord entangled, we could have intervened. But I didn't. So there you have it.
That doesn't negate my guilt entirely, though. He was my son and I should have been able to save him. But, with time, my guilt has dissapated off to a managable level and it doesn't eat at me daily anymore.
Don't be afraid of your guilt, unless it is destroying your sanity. I really believe that if you embrace it for a little while, it will slip away in the light of the truth.
I wish you some peace.
P.S. I hope that your homeopathic stress remedies are helpful. Exercise is incredibly helpful. I know that depression meds are kind of freaky, but they can be SO helpful if you don't find some relief from natural methods.
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