Vacation?

So, we are going on vacation...and I have to say that I am totally excited for this.
We are in such need of R&R. However, it does seem a little weird to be going on a vacation without Birdie. Without our child who would be almost 4 months old...wow, she's almost 4 months old?

I have been really busy with my job, as some of you remember I work from home...something that I love and was super stoked about when I was pregnant with Birdie. It was so awesome and relaxing to be here everyday & pregnant with her. I was so excited to think that I would still be able to work and bring in money and spend my time with her. Well I guess I am still doing that, I still am here with her...only she is not alive and crying, I can't take breaks and just lay down with her, or nap with her and Macy. More recently I got a great promotion...so I am working much more and its good. It occupies some empty spaces, working and staying busy is helping me in my grief. At least I think it is. There are some days that I work so much that I have moments that I don't think about Birdie, and that just kills me, I feel so guilty. I want all my moments to be filled with her in any way that they can be. Perhaps that is just the stage of grief I am in right now, to be able to have those kinds of days and moments. Like I said though, I want to be consumed by thoughts and memories of her.

Like I said, I am excited for vacation. We haven't really ever had a real vacation together, not like this. Staying in fancy places...for more than one night. Going somewhere for more than a few days, or a weekend. Its going to be really good for us. A really nice romantic vacation...we so deserve this! I just wish she could come with us.

Also I wanted to let you know that I have found an outlet for my anger...yes, I have started weight lifting! It feels so good to lift weights! Its also really easy to push myself really hard when I am working out, all I have to do is think about when I was in labor, and how hard I worked through that for 24 hours. Lifting weights is a piece of cake compared to drug free labor. It feels good to be getting back into shape, really good. Soon I will start cycling again...I just need my new clothing to come. I don't fit into my old cycling clothing....surprise, surprise.

I am so freaking tired right now, I have no idea why I am still awake. I guess I better end this post. Well, I will probably not post for a while. I hope you are all doing well, please know that I am thinking of you.

Sending Love.
Erin, Birdies Mama

Birdie, I love you.

I'm Feeling Like...

I am just completely overwhelmed by so many "normal" things about one's "normal" life. Yeah, "normal" whatever the fuck that means anymore. The last two weekends we have seen lots of family, while it was really nice...a good thing to do. For me it was really hard, the thought of being with them was easier than the actual doing. I mean, I dunno...seeing my family felt really nice. I have a much smaller immediate family than M.a..tt does. I love both our families, but sometimes being around so many people is just too much for me.

These days are just sucking a big fat one if you know what I mean. Life just sucks. People tell me they understand, and they mean well...but they don't understand. I mean unless you have lived this nightmare yourself, you don't understand. I am not talking about all of you Mama's and families who DO KNOW what this shit feels like.

Fuck, I hate this, I just want Birdie to be here. I am back to asking why? WHY? Should we have made a different decision(s)?
You know, I can't stand to see pregnant women, I want to vomit on them, yeah, vomit, PUKE all over them because they make me so sick with jealousy! I just want to say something like well, good freakin luck with that! Hope it works out for you, because it sure didn't for us! Oh and FUCK YOU, I loath you for being so perky and pregnant and HAPPY to be so!

I know that all of this sounds cruel, I don't mean it....but I do....I am grieving, and I am FUCKING ANGRY...and I feel like the next time someone "normal" (people who have not had a baby or infant/child die) tells me that they understand what we are feeling, how we are grieving that I am going to scream! I'm sorry but NO you don't understand, you DON'T get it. You just don't.

Birdie, I'm sorry that Mama feels so angry, I just can't help it......I love you so much and its so unfair that so many other people get to "have" their babies, they get to enjoy and love them and hold them. Then there is you, a sweet little innocent and helpless baby....you who died still inside of Mama's body. You were supposed to be just fine in there, safe, ok. Mama's body was supposed to protect you, Mama's body made a bad mistake and stressed you out. Oh Birdie, I just cannot stand not to have you here on earth with us. Mama is angry. Mama is VERY ANGRY!

BIRDIE BLOG GONE A SNIZZLE GIZOOGLE

"To mah beautiful Birdie, you is in mah every thought...I wonda `bout you n where you are crazy up in here. I think that you were here this past week, especially last weekend wizzle Mama was feel'n so sad . Put ya mutha fuckin choppers up if ya feel this.. It seemed like I could feel you all around me, in mah warm tears n in mah wiznarm heart. The tree we planted fo` you is grow'n sweetie, its gett'n brotha like you would be n we out. I wizzle I could see you smile at me whiznen I smile at you, I wizzy I could hear you cry jizzay once, or hizzle tha sound of you nurs'n...or even poop'n in yo diapa� fo' rizeal!

I love you sweetest gizzle."

READ THE WHOLE BLOG GIZOOGLE HERE

This is really funny, although it was also weird to read the blog description and posts....it did make us laugh, so that was a good thing.

I do like that it calls Birdie "sweetest gizzle", thats really adorable....

In Between Emotions

Last weekends super intense start and crash landing finish is behind us. I'm not sure if I mentioned that after the party last week, M.a.tt was heading to Boston as his b.a.nd was recording the next day. So, I was alone on friday night and all day and night saturday. Of course that did not help my emotional rage and super dark intense grief. However, it was the catalyst for good hard grieving that helped me to purge a lot of pent up anger and tears. I hadn't cried like I did for some time...so it was a good thing. That is if any of this is really any good, I mean we just should not be having to have these feelings, these ugly emotions. I felt like a monster last weekend, I felt totally lost without my husband here at home with me. It was just too much...too much.

I normally correspond with a few women who I have become close with since Birdie died...I have written about these very special women before. This past week I did not send them any emails, or make any phone calls. I feel kind of lousy about that. I guess I just needed a week to just me. Of course I was a workaholic this week to, needing to make a deadline. To you ladies, you know who you are....I am still thinking of you, you and your babies, and children are always in my thoughts.

Once again I hit the mark on my cycle this month, I used to have a much shorter cycle. Now its much longer and so heavy. Its really intense, a perfect match to my grief. Having my cycle back on track, and being able to track it as normal makes me feel relief. However, it makes me really sad too. Its that thing that tells me that I'm not pregnant, and why would I be, I mean were not actively trying. Of course you know I wish we were, but were not. That is just so hard for me, not for us to just be trying again. I know deep down its best to wait, to let my body heal more, to let my scar heal more, to let my mind heal more. I want to talk about trying, but I just get choked up, I know he needs more time....and maybe I am in denial that I do. Or maybe I have accepted that any way we look at it it seems risky. Pregnancy is a risky thing to jump into, its a "gamble." It doesn't stop my longing for it, and for a living baby. Maybe I am just so scared about trying, and getting pregnant that I AM NOT SCARED? I mean, I do feel excited at the idea, I do. I guess I can see wading through the fear, the anxiety. Maybe it's because my pregnancy had been so great, I enjoyed it so much...that it wasn't until the very end, that things went so wrong.

I have thought a lot about subsequent pregnancy(really--SO MUCH--as you know I am a little obsessed), I have read a lot about it, I have asked many questions about it of many different people. Oh, I just want to be that much closer to being able to hold a child that we have made, a living baby, a crying....a hungry baby...a sweet smelling...smiling baby, a happy baby, our baby. Girl or Boy it doesn't matter, as long as they LIVE!

To my fellow loss blogging Mama's....those of you who are expecting very soon, I am sending you all my love. I am just so excited, so beside myself with excitement and joy for you!

To my beautiful Birdie, you are in my every thought...I wonder about you and where you are. I think that you were here this past week, especially last weekend when Mama was feeling so sad. It seemed like I could feel you all around me, in my warm tears and in my warm heart. The tree we planted for you is growing sweetie, its getting bigger...just like you would be. I wish I could see you smile at me when I smile at you, I wish I could hear you cry just once, or hear the sound of you nursing...or even pooping in your diaper!

I love you sweetest girl.

Love, Mama

I Don't Want This Anymore

Today I am in the worst of moods. I dreamt about Birdie being born dead again and again last night. My dreams took place in a completely foreign place, and I remember that it was like I knew she was going to die before she was born. Then, what followed made me feel all the more pissed off. After she was born dead in my dream, other women were giving birth to live babies, over and over, and over again...these women had it all! I think that that these dreams came from seeing twin babies yesterday at a friends party. I hadn't known that these babies would be there. As it turned out, the twins were 3 months old...Birdie would be 3 months old. Also, one of the babies was wearing the SAME FUCKING ONESIE that we had dressed Birdie in at the hospital. It was the one and only outfit she wore, that onesie created a very important memory for us of Birdie. We were sitting on the grass at the party when Matt noticed that one of the babies was wearing the onesie, he later said he wanted to rip it off the baby! Oh how I wanted to do the same! We couldn't stand to be around those babies, who were still so new, and so quiet and bringing so much joy to everyone at the party. We were both completely overwhelmed, and we had to get up and go for a walk. I cried for a little while, wow that experience totally blindsided us! Going to that party was a really big deal, more so for Matt, it was his first time with many other people. Many whom we did not know and were meeting for the first time, the parents of the twins....do they really understand how lucky they are? I was wearing a pin last night (one of the many I always wear) that has a photo of Birdie, me and Matt. The mother of the twins asked, "Is That Your Baby?" I proudly said YES! I then said, she didn't make it. She said, awwww. Uhm, you could say "I'm Sorry!" Now, this all happened before we knew about the twin babies her and her husband had, they were sleeping in their car. I know, I understand that some people don't know what to say...but some people really piss me off. She really pissed me off.

The friend of mine, who's home the party was at also suffered a loss in the past. She now has her subsequent baby who of course was present last night. I knew her baby would be, and Matt did too. Her baby was crawling all over me, and Matt very courageously touched the babies hand and foot...he was doing so, with tear filled eyes. Touching our friends baby was the first time he has touched a baby since Birdie. The baby crawled onto his lap too...Matt did ok....I know how hard it was for him, but he took a really big step in healing yesterday. We both did-together.

Today I am completely bitter about almost everything. I slept until noon, something I haven't done since the first days and weeks of being home after Birdie died. I took the dog for a walk, and shortly after forced myself to go to the gym. It felt so good to lift weights, I have been really pushing myself with the weights (safely of course). I have always loved lifting, and I enjoy it so much more now. I just want to have my body back, and I want my body to be stronger than ever. I can say that I am getting there, finally...I am making some progress and I feel really great physically.

On days like this though, my mental state troubles me...I was shopping for some art supplies this afternoon, and as I turned a corner, whaddya know---A FUCKING NEWBORN BABY! Oh Hello there! THANKS FOR THE PUNCH IN THE FACE! I could hardly contain myself I wanted to scream! GET YOUR BABY OUR OF MY FACE! Don't you know my baby died? Can't you see that in my face, in the way I walk, in the way stare at your child! Again and again I came upon the stupid baby in the store, I nearly had a nervous breakdown...I pulled myself over and began crying. It couldn't be helped and I didn't give a damn. I wanted to go over to the mother of that baby and ask if she knew just how lucky she was to have her baby alive. I really almost did. I was so close to it, but my body started to move the other way. She has her baby, and I was in the store picking out a shadow box for my babies things....I only have memories.

Today I really hate people, I am having so much trouble relating to anyone but Matt and a few other people in my life. I feel really shitty about this, but I am being honest.

I do want to share with you that I had a really nice morning on friday. I spent some time with a local mom who lost her firstborn daughter 4 years ago. Like Birdie, her girl was stillborn, she died during labor...a very normal labor. The similarities of our experiences are scary. As I was saying, I have grown very close with her, I relate to her so much, and I can share anything with her...she understands so well. So, I spent the morning with her and her 2 beautiful, angelic subsequent babes. Her children are both so very amazing, they are both like little cherubs...her oldest is a very wise little one. It felt very nice to be around her children, to hold them and embrace them. I can feel glimmers of hope when I am around them, and her. She is a very special woman.

When I left them yesterday I cried as I walked through a beautiful nearby garden. I was very, very aware of how completely empty my arms were. Empty of my baby, empty of life. My arms felt all the more long and heavy, more than I have been aware of before.

This morning I had a moment of pure clarity, pure hope...I realized (and deep down already knew) that a subsequent pregnancy will absolutely not replace our Birdie (we could never replace such a special child), but that it could bring some much needed healing and hope. These times are so gloomy and dark for us......too dark. We need to have some hope now. Its time for hope for our future, hope for a living baby that we can hold not only in our hearts but in our very empty achy arms.

These Days I'm Finding Birdie In Many Places

She is alive in the birds that come to our backyard.
She is the flowers that are blooming.
She is the beautiful blue sky above our heads.
She is a cool summer breeze that rustles our hair and gives us goosebumps.
She is alive in my heart and in my soul.
She is alive in her Papa's heart and in his soul.
She is alive in the hard and soft summer rains.
She is alive in the roaring thunder of summer storms.
She is alive in the laughter that we have managed to muster from time to time.
She is alive in her Papa's smile.

Birdie, you so very much present in our home, your home. I only wish I could see your ghost, or be touched my your beautiful other worldly aura. Is it crazy to think you might come back to us someday? Mama and Papa feel such a deep connection to you, even though your psychically ash. All of these words Birdie only really serve to tell you how very much we miss you, how very much we long for you, yearn for you. We need you here with us Birdie, we just cannot understand why you are not here with us. Why did you have to die? That is such a huge question. This is all just one big question that will never be answered by anyone.

Birdie we love you so much.
I cannot believe you have been gone for 3 months.

BIRDIE, YOU WOULD BE 3 MONTHS TODAY!

Birdie, where are you my darling girl? I have not felt a cold breeze across my feet for a long time now...send me a sign that you are ok, that you hear me talking to you, singing to you and calling out for you!

I have been thinking so much these days about how I am feeling. As the days, weeks, minutes, seconds are passing by...where am I in my grief, my sadness, my longing for my baby girl. I can say that my hurting, my heart, my sering pain stings the tinyest bit less. However, I do not think of Birdie any less as I thought I had been. I feel like even in my moments of being busy with something that thoughts of her are there...just not completely at the front of my thoughts. When I realize that that is happening I instantly feel a little guilty and sad for being in that space in my head. Then there are times, like right now, when I can just sit and think of her and its so numbing. Today, June 3rd 2007 our baby would be 3 months old. She should be 3 months old, she really should be here and we should be so happy and in love with her and celebrating her 3 months of life after birth! Before I go on, I really want to share some more photos with you all. They are photos that I took of myself when I was around 5-6 months pregnant with Birdie, and then some from when I was 9 months. The later of the images are around 2 weeks before I went into labor. These images made me cry really hard yesterday, after I picked the photos up and looked through them. It was really sad to see them, and beautiful at the same time. I waited until last weekend to have them processed and printed...and I am glad I waited, these images are kind of like a gift, another chance to see and remember Birdie in a fresh light.








I know that I have said this before, I LOVED BEING PREGNANT with Birdie. It was such a sweet blessing to be pregnant with her, she was such a fun baby to grow! Really it was just amazing every day, every moment. She was a miracle. For such a long time I wanted to be pregnant, for many years I used to try and put the pressure on Matt, "Come on let's make a baby!" However, it was just not ever the right time. As I was very well aware that I was nearing the end of my 20's and we were now married, I started to apply a little pressure, or at least the conversation of "trying." Then, last May in the weeks following Matt's birthday I became pregnant. In June, when I had not had my period, which was very unusual...I knew, but I didn't tell Matt. I needed to confirm that I was pregnant...and after 3 tests, each agreeing with what I had thought....I WAS PREGNANT, AND SO FUCKING HAPPY! WE HAD MADE A BABY TOGETHER, IT WAS AMAZING, A MIRACLE! It was this time of year last year that all this began...our story of a beautiful little bird who only had life for 9 months. Those 9 months were the best 9 months of my life. Each day was full of excitement, so much joy and HUGE LOVE!



I can't believe that 3 months have passed. Where have the days gone to? We have moved so far away from the moments we had with Birdie, and that is so fucking sad. Our little girl is 3 months away from us, 3 months from touching her uber soft newborn skin, kissing her lips, holding her tight in our arms, napping with her for one afternoon. Looking back I am so damn happy that the birth center allowed us to have her for 3 days...they were so encouraging that we do keep her as long as we wanted, that was just what we needed. I don't think that we would have chose otherwise, and if I had to I would have fought for her being with us as long as she could, before she needed to have her body cooled. In looking at her pictures from those 3 days, I can see her body changing...from a pink and plump little baby, to a pale and purplish little lifeless body. You can see even just in her face how it began to sink in, her nose began to change and became a little pointed...its so sad to see those images, but we are SO HAPPY TO HAVE THEM!



We just got these images from the funeral home back yesterday. I could not wait to see them, like the pregnancy photos, they are another fresh look at where we were 3 months ago, 3 days with Birdie, then she was picked up by the funeral director...we saw her one last time...then she was gone. She was cremated on thursday, we held her wake on friday evening, saturday we held a celebration of life ceremony for her...and then reality began to sink in, what had she/what had we just gone through? How? Why? Did this happen to her? Silence lingers around that question, we will never know why.

I have began to think (out of desperation?)that she will come back to us someday...maybe in our next child, there will be a lingering of her there, her spirit will live through our next baby. I asked one mom who's first baby was stillborn (our stories are VERY similar)if she could see her stillborn child's face in her subsequent baby, and she told me YES, she saw her baby girls face in her next baby very much so. She now watches her son very closely, and often wonders if as her grown that is how her girl would have looked and acted. My cousin, who has 3 children. Has also told me how much each of her babies looked like the other when they were born. Knowing this has really enhanced my obsession of subsequent pregnancy...I know that my consuming thoughts and longing for this are natural, that it is coming from the want, the need to hold a baby...to nurse a baby...it is all coming from these things I cannot to for Birdie, things I so desperately want to do and experience. Things that I was so beside myself with excitement for, FINALLY I could have the experience of being a mommy! NO! NO you cannot, I am sorry....your child is DEAD! We just want Birdie here so badly, it hurts to think about how badly we wanted her! She was not planned, but came to us...a miracle!

This summer I will turn 29, and it makes me a little nervous about having more babies. Will this happen again? I know I am "still young", but my age does cause me to worry a little bit. I do want to be positive about a subsequent pregnancy, there is no reason not to be positive, its the end of a pregnancy that will be scary. I am finding it to be hard to have to wait, it's so hard to wade through the grief, the tears, the wretched heartache. While I want to be pregnant again, its only cause I miss Birdie, I miss holding her and loving her little baby body...but I also know that had she not died, I would not be feeling this way. Had she not died, our next child would not even be a thought yet! This is where we are, this is our life now, a sad little existence at times. This is our life without Birdie.