In Between Emotions

Last weekends super intense start and crash landing finish is behind us. I'm not sure if I mentioned that after the party last week, M.a.tt was heading to Boston as his b.a.nd was recording the next day. So, I was alone on friday night and all day and night saturday. Of course that did not help my emotional rage and super dark intense grief. However, it was the catalyst for good hard grieving that helped me to purge a lot of pent up anger and tears. I hadn't cried like I did for some time...so it was a good thing. That is if any of this is really any good, I mean we just should not be having to have these feelings, these ugly emotions. I felt like a monster last weekend, I felt totally lost without my husband here at home with me. It was just too much...too much.

I normally correspond with a few women who I have become close with since Birdie died...I have written about these very special women before. This past week I did not send them any emails, or make any phone calls. I feel kind of lousy about that. I guess I just needed a week to just me. Of course I was a workaholic this week to, needing to make a deadline. To you ladies, you know who you are....I am still thinking of you, you and your babies, and children are always in my thoughts.

Once again I hit the mark on my cycle this month, I used to have a much shorter cycle. Now its much longer and so heavy. Its really intense, a perfect match to my grief. Having my cycle back on track, and being able to track it as normal makes me feel relief. However, it makes me really sad too. Its that thing that tells me that I'm not pregnant, and why would I be, I mean were not actively trying. Of course you know I wish we were, but were not. That is just so hard for me, not for us to just be trying again. I know deep down its best to wait, to let my body heal more, to let my scar heal more, to let my mind heal more. I want to talk about trying, but I just get choked up, I know he needs more time....and maybe I am in denial that I do. Or maybe I have accepted that any way we look at it it seems risky. Pregnancy is a risky thing to jump into, its a "gamble." It doesn't stop my longing for it, and for a living baby. Maybe I am just so scared about trying, and getting pregnant that I AM NOT SCARED? I mean, I do feel excited at the idea, I do. I guess I can see wading through the fear, the anxiety. Maybe it's because my pregnancy had been so great, I enjoyed it so much...that it wasn't until the very end, that things went so wrong.

I have thought a lot about subsequent pregnancy(really--SO MUCH--as you know I am a little obsessed), I have read a lot about it, I have asked many questions about it of many different people. Oh, I just want to be that much closer to being able to hold a child that we have made, a living baby, a crying....a hungry baby...a sweet smelling...smiling baby, a happy baby, our baby. Girl or Boy it doesn't matter, as long as they LIVE!

To my fellow loss blogging Mama's....those of you who are expecting very soon, I am sending you all my love. I am just so excited, so beside myself with excitement and joy for you!

To my beautiful Birdie, you are in my every thought...I wonder about you and where you are. I think that you were here this past week, especially last weekend when Mama was feeling so sad. It seemed like I could feel you all around me, in my warm tears and in my warm heart. The tree we planted for you is growing sweetie, its getting bigger...just like you would be. I wish I could see you smile at me when I smile at you, I wish I could hear you cry just once, or hear the sound of you nursing...or even pooping in your diaper!

I love you sweetest girl.

Love, Mama