Vacation?
So, we are going on vacation...and I have to say that I am totally excited for this.
We are in such need of R&R. However, it does seem a little weird to be going on a vacation without Birdie. Without our child who would be almost 4 months old...wow, she's almost 4 months old?
I have been really busy with my job, as some of you remember I work from home...something that I love and was super stoked about when I was pregnant with Birdie. It was so awesome and relaxing to be here everyday & pregnant with her. I was so excited to think that I would still be able to work and bring in money and spend my time with her. Well I guess I am still doing that, I still am here with her...only she is not alive and crying, I can't take breaks and just lay down with her, or nap with her and Macy. More recently I got a great promotion...so I am working much more and its good. It occupies some empty spaces, working and staying busy is helping me in my grief. At least I think it is. There are some days that I work so much that I have moments that I don't think about Birdie, and that just kills me, I feel so guilty. I want all my moments to be filled with her in any way that they can be. Perhaps that is just the stage of grief I am in right now, to be able to have those kinds of days and moments. Like I said though, I want to be consumed by thoughts and memories of her.
Like I said, I am excited for vacation. We haven't really ever had a real vacation together, not like this. Staying in fancy places...for more than one night. Going somewhere for more than a few days, or a weekend. Its going to be really good for us. A really nice romantic vacation...we so deserve this! I just wish she could come with us.
Also I wanted to let you know that I have found an outlet for my anger...yes, I have started weight lifting! It feels so good to lift weights! Its also really easy to push myself really hard when I am working out, all I have to do is think about when I was in labor, and how hard I worked through that for 24 hours. Lifting weights is a piece of cake compared to drug free labor. It feels good to be getting back into shape, really good. Soon I will start cycling again...I just need my new clothing to come. I don't fit into my old cycling clothing....surprise, surprise.
I am so freaking tired right now, I have no idea why I am still awake. I guess I better end this post. Well, I will probably not post for a while. I hope you are all doing well, please know that I am thinking of you.
Sending Love.
Erin, Birdies Mama
Birdie, I love you.
6 comments:
Erin, I hope you have a wonderful vacation! You *do* deserve it, you really do. And great news about the weight lifting - you go!
Have a lovely vacation! We'll be here when you get back. {{{hugs}}}
I'm so glad you're going on vacation. So glad. Have a lovely time.
i hope you have a fabulous time on your vacation! please take lots of pictures! xoxo
We hope you have a good trip and get your much needed R&R.
Dearest Birdies Mama,
I know I haven't commented in a while. I can barely find words through my tears every time I visit your sacred site. I'm hoping you 'embraced' your anger, and can embrace this vacation, alone time with your soulmate. Although I know that sounds stupid, to embrace your anger, I'm sorry. I don't know what you are going through, I would never pretend to. But I Cry with you, and mourn for you, and love you, and see Birdie's sweet spirit many times a day. Her story, she and you, have helped me to heal from my sons birth experience, and helps me to live in the moment. I don't take one second with my son for granted, I promise you, not one second, because I think of your sweet girl. I'm sorry if that sounds wrong or hurts you, I don't want to hurt you. You have been hurt deeper than should be allowed. I just wanted you to know that I'm not that mom out there that doesn't appreciate one second with her baby, because I realize that in an instant, it may not be.
I don't EVER want to pretend that I know what you are going through, because only other Mamas who have lost a baby know. Period.
I don't want to say hurtful words, I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry. Those words sound so small compared to what you and Matt are going through.
I can see you 10 years from now, with a bunch of children around you, telling them about their older, sweet sister, in only the way her Mama and Papa can. Try to hold on, and cherish your vacation...you deserve it, sweet Mama.
I'm forever sorry, you of all people have to go through this. I read your blog during your pregnancy and would jealously comment to my husband... "Isn't this the happiest couple you've ever seen?"...
Not to ever pretend to know anything about your sacred daughter, but I think, she would not want that happiness to disappear completely.
I love you,
try to breathe on your vacation,
Love,
Kim
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