Desperate, Sad, Depressed and Longing for The One That I Couldn't Keep
How did my life take this wretched turn? My life has turned to shit. My heart is mush and I am not sure how it can keep breaking when its so broken. My head is a gaping hole where only darkness can be found. My body is aching overtime for the one who I could not keep, but still cling to so desperately. Yesterday I was reminded of something that I had not thought about in a long time. After Birdie was born and hastily handed to the pediatrician, he and the nurses tried for 30+ minutes to resuscitate her...they tried for so long. They tried because she looked as though she could take a breath at any minute. When she was born she was still very pink, and looked like she just needed some help to get going. It was like we just missed her, she had just had life in her body, and we just missed her...she had just left.
If the weather that morning had not been so icy and foggy...maybe she would still he here. She tried to hang on as long as she could, but then she couldn't wait any longer. So, this makes me think that she was supposed to stay. She was not meant to leave us so alone and broken.
After the pediatrician stopped trying to resuscitate Birdie, I was told he came out of the OR with tears running down his face. He was so upset because she looked so ready to take a breath...that precious first breath of life. He couldn't understand why she didn't, and felt as though life had just been in her. Well, it might have been...but the time from when we got to the hospital, to when the surgeon was paged and got to the OR was just to long, it was around 35 minutes. Way too long...way too long. Its just so unfortunate that there was no surgeon just there, in house and ready to go. That could have saved our baby's life! However, that is just not the protocol of the community hospital. That breaks my heart, and scares me too. Its that "best of care" thing that just doesn't happen in this country. Instead we get the "ok" medical care. The hospital birth center just should have someone in house round the clock, period.
We have been told for "the next time" that the surgeon/OB will be there no matter what. I can have whatever I want etc...It's so shitty that wasn't the option this time. How different things could have possible ended...and begun, our daughter might still be alive. She might be here with my right now at home.
Instead she's not, and instead I sit here crying my eyes out with my snot running down my face. Instead I am filled with guilt, with hate and the deepest darkest sadness. Instead I am filled with desperation and longing. Instead I am missing the one I had been waiting for for so long...the one I was so careful with while she was in my womb, the one I loved and nurtured and couldn't wait to meet. The one who we read to, played music for...the one precious life that we had created and fallen in love with without even seeing her. We loved her so much as soon as we knew she would become a huge part of our life together. Birdie, you were always so cherished, so absolutely loved. There is not a moment that we don't think of you and long for you. I am so sorry you died, I am so sorry. If I could have taken your place and let you live on I would have.
To my dearest DH if you are reading this, I am so sorry if you feel like I have been pressuring you. I just, I mean I don't want to pressure you. But, I just want a subsequent pregnancy so badly. It breaks me, it breaks my heart to even have to want this, but the truth is that I do. Its just such a hurting an aching inside me. I was so ready to be a mom to our Birdie, to our baby in the flesh. Now that she is not here in the flesh, that need does not stop, it has only grown larger. That need eats at me, at my soul at my own flesh. It runs so deep, I cannot explain it in enough detail. To know that another baby could be that much closer to being here in the flesh with us could ease some of that aching for Birdie. Not as a replacement....nothing will ever replace the preciousness of Birdie, not ever! I need to feel the flesh of a baby we have created on my skin, I need to hear the cries of a baby we created so badly, I need to feel the breath of a baby we have created...I just need this so badly. My longing for another baby...and living baby is so strong...its just so strong. I'm sorry DH. I know your not ready, it's so hard to meet you halfway on this, I don't know what else to do.
It feels like no matter how long we wait, there will still be risks involved. We are on the other side of statistics, so it seems they don't really matter anymore. We have seen, we have lived and are living on the other side of all of that. I know you are scared, and so am I. I am terrified about all that could happen again, or differently...but I also know that as scary as it all seems and feels and looks we have to move through it. Why I am so ready to take this all on, head on and steadfast I have no idea....but those feelings are running strong in me and I cannot seem to tame them. Its like something, some force is ready to pull me through it. To guide me on the journey again, differently. Our subsequent pregnancy will be scary, no matter when it happens, when it begins its journey. DH I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to feel ready to be pregnant again. I want to feel as you do. Uneasy, scared and hesitant. Putting the breaks on.
I have thought a lot about it, and I have tried to reason with my thoughts. I have tried to still mind. I just cannot do it. I try to do this for you, I don't want us to be on such separate levels about this. I guess that this is just part of my grieving, and part of my grieving is pulling me to want a pregnancy. I don't know, all this sounds crazy. All that I want to do is leave you alone about this, to give you space. I will try to give you that space, but it's so damn hard.
Birdie I love you, I miss you so much...some days I feel like the amount of love and missing, and longing for you could bring you back, but that is just my desperation.
DH I love you, I am so sorry that we are living this way...I am so sorry that Birdie died.
8 comments:
I feel sad with you for your Birdie. So many unanswered questions for you. I can't imagine.
Once you become a mother it is as though you ARE a mother right then and not having a living child does not change that. So the need to feel a baby in your arms doesn't go away. It's such a cruel joke to become a mother and then not to be able to take care of your child the way you have always done. You still have a few months go before you get the go ahead for TTC, right? so maybe you and DH will make progress through the therapy and find common ground. Be kind to each other.
Thinking of you and your Birdie!
((hugs))
I hear your pain so loudly and clearly. I must confess your post took me back to my loss. I cried. I want to comfort you but I can't. I understand the feeling of needing another baby. It's partly emotional because your arms ache, and it's partly physical with the hormones and such. I really wish there was something more I could say... just know that since I saw your pics of Birdie and read your posts I have thought about her. I think about my son when I see butterflies and I think about Birdie when I hear a beautiful birdsong. She won't be forgotten.
Erin,
First of all, I wish that I could reach out my arms and just hold you. I know there is nothing that I can say that will really bring you the comfort that you need, but do know that I am sending you all of the love and peaceful energy that I can. Your beautiful Birdie knows that her momma loves her beyond measure and she loves you with the same ferocity. My hope is that in these times of difficulty that you will be comforted somehow by that love. I want to also tell you that your feelings are *normal* and that I also felt intense anger and sadness.
You mentioned in an earlier post that you are considering therapy. I have finally, after almost a year and a half, started therapy. Next week Mr. C and I will also see a couples therapist. I believe that we hold so much of this trauma in our bodies and there is so much benefit to working through it. My therapist also does energy work (Reiki) and the therapist we will see next week practices Hakomi. I don't know if there is anyone in your area who practices Hakomi, but I recommend looking into it (you can go to hakomi.com to look it up).
As I said, I am sending you love:)
i hope you feel all the love i send you, erin. you are a beautiful, wise mother.
Erin I know your pain. Your words could be my words. You are not alone. I will tell you, it does sting less as time moves on. Scar tissue wraps around your heart & it hurts less. One day, you will breathe again without thinking. Your relationship will heal too. Keep talking & writing. Thinking of you.
I see healing in your writing, in the spaces between your words. Keep writing, dear goddess mama, keep writing.
And as strange as it sounds...your grief is part of the gifts Birdie has given you. It means you are still alive, still feeling, still processing, that blood still flows in your body for your baby. That grief will eventually turn into light, light, and more light.
"We are like the rocks by which the sculptor forms the molds of men and women. The blows of his chisel - which hurt us so substantially - are what make us perfect" - C.S. Lewis
XOXO and love,
Leigh
Leigh,
I love that quote. I hope you don't mind, but I am adding it to my header on my blog.
Everytime I read your posts I just cry. I can't even imagine and my heart aches for you both! It's just not fair. {{Hugs}}
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