So Long Vacation...Hello Therapy!
For the last few weeks I have been wondering to myself if maybe seeking the help of a therapist might be a good idea. Things are becoming way to intense for me to handle with only talking to my dear husband, family and support groups. I do need more help, I do. More recently things are compounding on top of me more and more, my emotions are becoming way too heavy and I have had some really extremely dark days. I mean REALLY DARK. I had one a few weeks ago when I was out with DH (yes I am going to refer to him as DH from now on). We had been at the post office, and I got really mad while I was in there, then I came outside and completely lost it. I got in the car completely fuming, crying and raging...and the I yelled "I just want to k.1.l.l myself," then I tried to slam on the gas and take off. The car didn't move, then I pressed on the gas a little gentler and off we went. We pulled over a few minutes later, and DH drove home, I was not in a state to drive.
The last few days while we have been away on vacation have been really tough. I have been a wreck, my emotions totally whacked out, I have been on a spiraling roller coaster from the deep dark depths of depression. I have been crying and crying for our Birdie. Again, I am asking why this happened, how could this happen to her? WHY? WHY? WHY? Last night I spent a good hour and a half writing to her in one of my Birdie journals. I write to her, not as often as I would like, but when I do write it is completely intense and I proclaim to her how sorry I am. I know, I have said this before, that I feel at fault. How can I not, she died in my body. My body betrayed her. My body malfunctioned in some way, that is obvious to me. I don't really care what anyone else tells me, its not my fault or whatever. I am the only one who can truely say this right? There is no medical explanation. Regardless of where we would have been for my labor with her, my body failed her. Ok, enough said on that.
The good thing about our last few days of our vacation is DH finally started to feel better...and since we were in New Hampshire we were staying close to the beautiful White Mountains. Those majestic mountains were just what we needed, lots of beautiful vistas to behold to yet again proclaim our love to Birdie out into the wild! Did I mention the gorgeous B&B we stayed at? Oh my, it was also just what we needed. The B&B was located on beautiful Silver Lake in NH. The room we stayed in was so beautiful, so romantic...it was just perfect. Our last night there we went out on a sunset canoe adventure, that was amazing and peaceful. Oh, and the resident dog was also really nice to spend time with...what a friendly dog!
As soon as I can, I will get some more photos up here.
5 comments:
I'm so glad you had such a romantic refreshing vacation. And I'm glad that you're going to seek out a therapist to help with your guilt and grief. I so hope it helps.
I'm heading to therapy, too.
I remember reading in "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" that the third and fourth months are often the worst.
It's been four months since by daughter died and I thought the darkest grief had to be behind me. But now it's back bigger and blacker than ever. I'm full of rage. I'm pushing away friends, but dammit the things they say cut me to the quick. I'm not sleeping. We had been planning to try to conceive this month but I'm just so scared – of losing another baby and being too damaged to ever be a good mother. Also, how much worse would I feel if I didn't have cigarettes and red wine?
I think this is despair.
I hope you find what you are looking for in therapy. I would gently suggest that you look for a therapist with perinatal loss experience.
As for the guilt and the sense of failure...here is a perspective a friend shared with me back when I was feeling some of the same things...
Would you "blame" a cancer patient for getting cancer? Would you "blame" a diabetic for having diabetes? Would you "blame" someone for breaking a bone or having a heart attack? I suspect you wouldn't. I suspect, like anything else, you would look for sensible medical reasons and not expect guilt or blame to play a role. Our bodies work or don't work often under their own power. It's one of those things we can't control. Yes, we can have some influence...but there is never complete control.
I'm glad you had a nice vacation. Romance and peace and the ability to say your daughter's name into the wind are powerful medicines for your soul.
I would also suggest to seek out a therapist. After we lost Jimmy I saw a therapist and it helped. However she had no experience in perinatal loss (although she still helped). My hospital gave me the number of the therapist I see know who specializes in bereavement and perinatal loss. He's really helped me let go of a lot of the anger I have (although it might not show at times), as well as the self-blame. I could tell you all day that it is NOT your fault. However that is something you have to come to terms with on your time. BTW, Birdie's pics are so sweet, I'm so glad you shared them with us. It helps because the more people who know about her, the more people who can celebrate her life.
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