My Dear Friend
There is a very lovely, and wonderful woman that I have become close with in very first few months after Birdie died. I am very grateful for her, and it is fortunate that she lives only a few towns away.
Her first child, her daughter Charlotte passed while my dear friend was still in labor with her. She did not even know anything was wrong until she had not felt her baby moving for a time, then upon entering the hospital an ultrasound revealed the heartbreak.
Charlotte was born still, in a way she is a sister to our Birdie who was also born still. My dear friend has just started a blog, and do hope that you will welcome her with open arms. She is not only a beautiful person, a most compassionate friend and incredibly loving mum to all of her children (she has had 2 subsequent babes), but she is also an incredible writer. Please do visit her here:
Happy Sad Mama
Welcome to the grieving mum's blogosphere Happy Sad Mama!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
My Response
To those it concerns,
My name is Erin N-L, On March 3rd 2007 my first child was born still.
She was born still after nearly 24 hours of laboring at home, (we had planned to have a homebirth). After nearly 24 hours of labor, our daughters heart rate suddenly dropped. I was then rushed to the local hospital birthing center (our back-up midwives & hospital), and after what felt like an eternity, an emergency c-section was performed but it did not save our daughters life.
My husband and I had chosen to have a homebirth when I was around 34-35 weeks along (after much questioning/research/thought). We chose 2 really great midwives. We thought & felt that we had made a good decision, the right decision....a gentle decision.
However, I now see that it is not just how we birth our babies that is most important, what is most important is that when in the process of labor to then birth our babies that it is MOST important that our babies LIVE.
In the last paragraph of your letter it reads: "the way a human being is born is much larger than simply being alive"
That is by far a most horrible statement, its absolutely heartbreaking.
No, actually if my daughter had lived that would be much larger, and much more meanigful than her being dead.
I do not and cannot support your cause, for there is a possibility, even if only a small one that because of our choice to have a homebirth that our daughter died.
Please remove me at once from any mailing list that my name might be on. I have no idea how I got on your mailing list in the first place.
Erin, Birdies Mama
To those it concerns,
My name is Erin N-L, On March 3rd 2007 my first child was born still.
She was born still after nearly 24 hours of laboring at home, (we had planned to have a homebirth). After nearly 24 hours of labor, our daughters heart rate suddenly dropped. I was then rushed to the local hospital birthing center (our back-up midwives & hospital), and after what felt like an eternity, an emergency c-section was performed but it did not save our daughters life.
My husband and I had chosen to have a homebirth when I was around 34-35 weeks along (after much questioning/research/thought). We chose 2 really great midwives. We thought & felt that we had made a good decision, the right decision....a gentle decision.
However, I now see that it is not just how we birth our babies that is most important, what is most important is that when in the process of labor to then birth our babies that it is MOST important that our babies LIVE.
In the last paragraph of your letter it reads: "the way a human being is born is much larger than simply being alive"
That is by far a most horrible statement, its absolutely heartbreaking.
No, actually if my daughter had lived that would be much larger, and much more meanigful than her being dead.
I do not and cannot support your cause, for there is a possibility, even if only a small one that because of our choice to have a homebirth that our daughter died.
Please remove me at once from any mailing list that my name might be on. I have no idea how I got on your mailing list in the first place.
Erin, Birdies Mama
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Ridiculous Letter
I would like to share with you a really stupid letter that I got in the mail. I have no clue how I got on the mailing list to receive such a letter.
Letter From: Foundation for the Advancement of Midwifery
(I have included the first and last paragraphs of the letter)
Every birth is unique, entitled to honor and respect. Every baby deserves to have the best chance possible to be born into a gentle, loving atmosphere, fully awake and sensitive to the touch of the mother and the voices of a welcoming family. Midwives understand this. Women who are lucky enough to be attended by a good midwife know the care they have received is the best the world has to offer. However, midwifery continues to be unavailable as an equal choice to the women in the United States.
Foundation for the Advancement of Midwifery needs to raise the money it gives away. In order to do our work, we rely most strongly on the gifts of individuals who understand that the way a human being is born is much larger than simply being alive. Our donors understand that when a midwife shepherds the process of birth, unkind and unnecessary interventions are reduced and that when a woman experiences satisfaction and personal power, she will be a better mother with a happier child more likely to grow and thrive. We count on the financial support of those who have personally experienced the gift of midwifery care or know someone who has, and who share our vision about the best way to bring a baby into this world. We look to you.
My Blog Response:
Yes, I agree every birth is unique. Ours sure was! Wow, my favorite part was when I found out that the OB on call had not been paged until we had already gotten to the hospital, minutes after we were in our room and the nurses were fumbling around nervously.
Every baby deserves to have the best chance possible to be born into a gentle, loving atmosphere, fully awake and sensitive to the touch of the mother and the voices of a welcoming family. This one's a doozy folks, I don't need to even go there. Oh wait, yes I think I do. Gee well yes we definitely wanted to birth our child in a most gentle way....we definitely wanted her to be fully awake, but she wasn't. She was born still and "sleeping".
Here is a sentence that Matty liked when he read the letter last night: "the way a human being is born is much larger than simply being alive"
Well, actually no I have to disagree and largely, you see there are those of us (too many of us) who would say that having our babies born alive is EXTREMELY important!
This letter is just so fucking dumb. I have no idea why it was even sent to me. How the fuck did I get on a list where a midwifery advancement foundation is now asking me for a donation?
I do want to say that although I cannot any longer support home.birthing with good conscience, I can however support nurse midwives who practice in hospital with doctors. I feel a lot more confident with this now than ever.
I really hate feeling the way that I do about home.birth, but its just not safe. It's just not. On the other hand hospital birth had shown to not be all that safe a lot of time either. You just have to make the right choice for yourself, what you feel most safe and confident with. For us, the next time will be in a hospital with nurse-midwives and doc's. I do hope to regain some of my optimism about birth and my body, no drugs.....no drugs and the birth of a living baby!
I would like to share with you a really stupid letter that I got in the mail. I have no clue how I got on the mailing list to receive such a letter.
Letter From: Foundation for the Advancement of Midwifery
(I have included the first and last paragraphs of the letter)
Every birth is unique, entitled to honor and respect. Every baby deserves to have the best chance possible to be born into a gentle, loving atmosphere, fully awake and sensitive to the touch of the mother and the voices of a welcoming family. Midwives understand this. Women who are lucky enough to be attended by a good midwife know the care they have received is the best the world has to offer. However, midwifery continues to be unavailable as an equal choice to the women in the United States.
Foundation for the Advancement of Midwifery needs to raise the money it gives away. In order to do our work, we rely most strongly on the gifts of individuals who understand that the way a human being is born is much larger than simply being alive. Our donors understand that when a midwife shepherds the process of birth, unkind and unnecessary interventions are reduced and that when a woman experiences satisfaction and personal power, she will be a better mother with a happier child more likely to grow and thrive. We count on the financial support of those who have personally experienced the gift of midwifery care or know someone who has, and who share our vision about the best way to bring a baby into this world. We look to you.
My Blog Response:
Yes, I agree every birth is unique. Ours sure was! Wow, my favorite part was when I found out that the OB on call had not been paged until we had already gotten to the hospital, minutes after we were in our room and the nurses were fumbling around nervously.
Every baby deserves to have the best chance possible to be born into a gentle, loving atmosphere, fully awake and sensitive to the touch of the mother and the voices of a welcoming family. This one's a doozy folks, I don't need to even go there. Oh wait, yes I think I do. Gee well yes we definitely wanted to birth our child in a most gentle way....we definitely wanted her to be fully awake, but she wasn't. She was born still and "sleeping".
Here is a sentence that Matty liked when he read the letter last night: "the way a human being is born is much larger than simply being alive"
Well, actually no I have to disagree and largely, you see there are those of us (too many of us) who would say that having our babies born alive is EXTREMELY important!
This letter is just so fucking dumb. I have no idea why it was even sent to me. How the fuck did I get on a list where a midwifery advancement foundation is now asking me for a donation?
I do want to say that although I cannot any longer support home.birthing with good conscience, I can however support nurse midwives who practice in hospital with doctors. I feel a lot more confident with this now than ever.
I really hate feeling the way that I do about home.birth, but its just not safe. It's just not. On the other hand hospital birth had shown to not be all that safe a lot of time either. You just have to make the right choice for yourself, what you feel most safe and confident with. For us, the next time will be in a hospital with nurse-midwives and doc's. I do hope to regain some of my optimism about birth and my body, no drugs.....no drugs and the birth of a living baby!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Not Sure About My Feelings
So that holiday last week really messed with my head. My deepest sadness came right back to the surface very easily. I worked it through as I had to, of course there is no other choice.
On saturday we had a nice lunch with Matty's cousin and husband, then they came over to see our place and look at our pictures of Birdie. It was so great to see them, to have them enter into our "space" and see Birdie in all of the photos we are fortunate to have and share.
Today, right now I am not sure about how I am feeling. I just feel blah....like nothing. Emotionless. I am pretty sure I know why. This time of the month my Rock And Roll work from home job gets me stressed out. I hate that my job makes me get to this emotionless place, but its only for a week so its not all that bad.
For those of you who don't know, I work for a small knitting company...and I design, layout and research (writers) for the Knitting Newsletter we put out once a month. FYI, if any of you are knitters and you want to submit an article or original pattern let me know and I can give you more info (we pay a small stipend).
Anyways, I didn't want to go on about my job. But then again, its on my mind....and the only reason I can devote as much time to it as I do is because I don't have my Birdie here.
I don't have my Birdie here.
A more in depth, more interesting and meaningful post is coming soon. As soon as I get my brain back.
So that holiday last week really messed with my head. My deepest sadness came right back to the surface very easily. I worked it through as I had to, of course there is no other choice.
On saturday we had a nice lunch with Matty's cousin and husband, then they came over to see our place and look at our pictures of Birdie. It was so great to see them, to have them enter into our "space" and see Birdie in all of the photos we are fortunate to have and share.
Today, right now I am not sure about how I am feeling. I just feel blah....like nothing. Emotionless. I am pretty sure I know why. This time of the month my Rock And Roll work from home job gets me stressed out. I hate that my job makes me get to this emotionless place, but its only for a week so its not all that bad.
For those of you who don't know, I work for a small knitting company...and I design, layout and research (writers) for the Knitting Newsletter we put out once a month. FYI, if any of you are knitters and you want to submit an article or original pattern let me know and I can give you more info (we pay a small stipend).
Anyways, I didn't want to go on about my job. But then again, its on my mind....and the only reason I can devote as much time to it as I do is because I don't have my Birdie here.
I don't have my Birdie here.
A more in depth, more interesting and meaningful post is coming soon. As soon as I get my brain back.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
Glad Yesterday Is Done & Gone
Well we made it through yesterday didn't we?
Its really a silly day that someone made up, at least that's what "Thanksgiving" feels like. Just one of those high pressure holidays that you are supposed to do this and that. See this person and that person etc.
How about just doing not a damn thing and just being glad to be alive and breathing....and thinking of the people that you were thankful for. Those who have passed on. A day of remembrance.
I'm feeling better today, in better spirits. I am thinking so much about Beruriah and wondering if she has delivered her sweet baby boy yet!
I am also thinking about Catherine, she delivered her sweet baby Myles on Tuesday at 3:51 PM. He weighed 7 pounds 15 ounces, and measured 19 and 3/4 inches long Congratulations!
Well we made it through yesterday didn't we?
Its really a silly day that someone made up, at least that's what "Thanksgiving" feels like. Just one of those high pressure holidays that you are supposed to do this and that. See this person and that person etc.
How about just doing not a damn thing and just being glad to be alive and breathing....and thinking of the people that you were thankful for. Those who have passed on. A day of remembrance.
I'm feeling better today, in better spirits. I am thinking so much about Beruriah and wondering if she has delivered her sweet baby boy yet!
I am also thinking about Catherine, she delivered her sweet baby Myles on Tuesday at 3:51 PM. He weighed 7 pounds 15 ounces, and measured 19 and 3/4 inches long Congratulations!
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Gloomy, Dreary, Sad, Ugly Day.
When I woke up this morning I had a glimmer of hope that maybe today would not be as shitty as I had thought. It was gray outside, a little cool but still a good morning for talking Macy for a walk. I always enjoy taking her for a walk, I take that time to think a lot about so many things....Of course I mostly think about Birdie.
Anyway, we had a nice hour walk, not many people and not many cars out. It was quite, and kind of peaceful. My parents and my Nana were coming over for brunch (a big yummy vegan brunch that I prepared last night....so all I had to do today was put everything in the oven, and in the skillet!)
I was feeling ok about them coming over, though a little hesitant since getting an email from my mother explaining that she can't talk to me about Birdie. I am trying to understand this, really I am but it's a heart breaker. The person that I need to be able to talk with about Birdie, can't talk about Birdie. I am choosing to leave this alone. I accept that I will never have a close relationship with my mom.
So, my family (very small family of 4) came over, we had brunch....and they left a little while ago. All in all it was nice to see them, and I am glad there was no big to-do this year.
Oh, and I forgot to mention a message that I got this morning on my voice mail. It was a message from someone whom I used to call a friend, and recently thought I no longer could. It was a message from "my old dear friend", who I will refer to as "Shelby". There is a long story behind this friendship. Basically she had been my best friend since middle school. In her 20's she moved to the other side of the country, still we were close, although we talked not as often. We had the kind of friendship where you dreamt together about when each other gets married, having children etc. You get the picture.
Well, after Birdie died. My father called her and asked if she could come home. Telling her that I needed her (because I did!). It had been some time since I had talked to her, but she knew I had been pregnant....and now she knew that our child had died. She told my father she would get to us as soon as she could. I spoke to her the day after we got home from hospital (i think). She then told me that she was not going to be coming (she was supposed to fly in that night)....that she got bumped from her flight and got 2 round trip tickets for it. I was devastated.
I still don't know if she was telling me the truth. It was wierd to talk to her so soon after Birdie died, the tone of her voice was strange to me. Like she was not fully comprehending how important it was that she come to be with us. It was strange.
Anyways, today I get a voicemail from her (i haven't talked to her since that day i just spoke of - nearly 9 months ago!) saying that she has moved back to MA. She has moved back and that she wants to get together.
Wow. I pondered about that the whole time I was walking Macy this morning. What do I do with this....I want to call her back. I still care about Shelby very much, but I thought that our friendship was done. I really did, since I would email her sometimes trying to reach out for her support that way....because she never called me, never told me she had made plans to fly out like she said she would. I would text her from my cell phone, sending photos and messages. Anything to make contact. I never heard a peep.
I am lost with this. I am not the person she used to know. I am not the person who used to cause trouble with her......I am even more quite and delicate than ever. She is more "upbeat" than me for sure. How do I explain to her what has transpired in the last almost 9 months....how our life (me and matt's) has changed. She likes small talk and shooting the shit.....I don't. I don't care for small talk, or shopping at the mall, or (excuse me Niobe).....going to starbucks 3 times a day. I am exasurating a little here, but the point is. How do I re-introduce this person into my life. A life that is very different, a reality that is very different from hers.
I have been thrown for a loop here and I don't know what to do with it.
I am tempted to just call her up and say, yeah lets talk. Then again, I don't think that she will like my topic of conversation. I want her to know what happened, I want to tell her all about Birdie, and all the hard grief work we have done, and show her all of the photos.
I did not intend to write that much about this.
I also wanted to say that when I got the news about my friend who's baby was born safely. I also with that news heard sad news about another close friends sister. This friends sister had been trying to get pregnant, then they had to seek IVF (i believe), got pregnant....and have just lost the pregnancy. She was three months along.....I am so sad for her and her wonderful partner. I have been thinking about them all day. Please in your own way, send along your thoughts and prayers to them and there sweet babe.
Too much sadness has transpired in this year...I cannot take any more.
When I woke up this morning I had a glimmer of hope that maybe today would not be as shitty as I had thought. It was gray outside, a little cool but still a good morning for talking Macy for a walk. I always enjoy taking her for a walk, I take that time to think a lot about so many things....Of course I mostly think about Birdie.
Anyway, we had a nice hour walk, not many people and not many cars out. It was quite, and kind of peaceful. My parents and my Nana were coming over for brunch (a big yummy vegan brunch that I prepared last night....so all I had to do today was put everything in the oven, and in the skillet!)
I was feeling ok about them coming over, though a little hesitant since getting an email from my mother explaining that she can't talk to me about Birdie. I am trying to understand this, really I am but it's a heart breaker. The person that I need to be able to talk with about Birdie, can't talk about Birdie. I am choosing to leave this alone. I accept that I will never have a close relationship with my mom.
So, my family (very small family of 4) came over, we had brunch....and they left a little while ago. All in all it was nice to see them, and I am glad there was no big to-do this year.
Oh, and I forgot to mention a message that I got this morning on my voice mail. It was a message from someone whom I used to call a friend, and recently thought I no longer could. It was a message from "my old dear friend", who I will refer to as "Shelby". There is a long story behind this friendship. Basically she had been my best friend since middle school. In her 20's she moved to the other side of the country, still we were close, although we talked not as often. We had the kind of friendship where you dreamt together about when each other gets married, having children etc. You get the picture.
Well, after Birdie died. My father called her and asked if she could come home. Telling her that I needed her (because I did!). It had been some time since I had talked to her, but she knew I had been pregnant....and now she knew that our child had died. She told my father she would get to us as soon as she could. I spoke to her the day after we got home from hospital (i think). She then told me that she was not going to be coming (she was supposed to fly in that night)....that she got bumped from her flight and got 2 round trip tickets for it. I was devastated.
I still don't know if she was telling me the truth. It was wierd to talk to her so soon after Birdie died, the tone of her voice was strange to me. Like she was not fully comprehending how important it was that she come to be with us. It was strange.
Anyways, today I get a voicemail from her (i haven't talked to her since that day i just spoke of - nearly 9 months ago!) saying that she has moved back to MA. She has moved back and that she wants to get together.
Wow. I pondered about that the whole time I was walking Macy this morning. What do I do with this....I want to call her back. I still care about Shelby very much, but I thought that our friendship was done. I really did, since I would email her sometimes trying to reach out for her support that way....because she never called me, never told me she had made plans to fly out like she said she would. I would text her from my cell phone, sending photos and messages. Anything to make contact. I never heard a peep.
I am lost with this. I am not the person she used to know. I am not the person who used to cause trouble with her......I am even more quite and delicate than ever. She is more "upbeat" than me for sure. How do I explain to her what has transpired in the last almost 9 months....how our life (me and matt's) has changed. She likes small talk and shooting the shit.....I don't. I don't care for small talk, or shopping at the mall, or (excuse me Niobe).....going to starbucks 3 times a day. I am exasurating a little here, but the point is. How do I re-introduce this person into my life. A life that is very different, a reality that is very different from hers.
I have been thrown for a loop here and I don't know what to do with it.
I am tempted to just call her up and say, yeah lets talk. Then again, I don't think that she will like my topic of conversation. I want her to know what happened, I want to tell her all about Birdie, and all the hard grief work we have done, and show her all of the photos.
I did not intend to write that much about this.
I also wanted to say that when I got the news about my friend who's baby was born safely. I also with that news heard sad news about another close friends sister. This friends sister had been trying to get pregnant, then they had to seek IVF (i believe), got pregnant....and have just lost the pregnancy. She was three months along.....I am so sad for her and her wonderful partner. I have been thinking about them all day. Please in your own way, send along your thoughts and prayers to them and there sweet babe.
Too much sadness has transpired in this year...I cannot take any more.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
No Sugar, No Spice & Everything Is Not Nice
Just wanted to blow off some steam here about the impending holiday that is about to drop here in the U.S. (HA! that's a laugh!, "United.States" my ass! Our government doesn't even recognize most of the constitution anymore, no instead they STOMP on it!).
Anyways, I am incredibly bitter this holiday season for the most obvious reason, my baby is dead. Yes, my first born child will not be around this holiday season to grace you with her living and breathing presence. Nor will you be able to giggle and goo over her beautiful face and strong baby body. Nope, sorry everyone. I am going to sit this one out. I am going to contemplate totally upon my daughter this year. It is my right as a grieving mum to do so, and so I shall.
I just cannot stomach being around too many. It doesn't feel like the right thing for me to do, and I am just not ready for it. If I did throw myself out into public view this holiday might be pretty nasty. I would not be a nice person to be around, I would only be angry, bitter and futile.
Matty on the other hand is willing to go ahead with seeing a big group of family. Perhaps he is a bit more brave than I. I want to be there for him, to support him through it....but I would be forcing myself to be out in public. I just don't want to and I just won't.
Stubborn and selfish as this all sounds, I don't give a shit. I'm sorry I just don't.
Its too much to needlessly to put my fragile self through. Too much. There is not enough to be thankful for this year. The most important person to feel thankful for is dead.
So, to the holiday season of 2007, I raise up my middle finger to you and say.....FUCK OFF!
Just wanted to blow off some steam here about the impending holiday that is about to drop here in the U.S. (HA! that's a laugh!, "United.States" my ass! Our government doesn't even recognize most of the constitution anymore, no instead they STOMP on it!).
Anyways, I am incredibly bitter this holiday season for the most obvious reason, my baby is dead. Yes, my first born child will not be around this holiday season to grace you with her living and breathing presence. Nor will you be able to giggle and goo over her beautiful face and strong baby body. Nope, sorry everyone. I am going to sit this one out. I am going to contemplate totally upon my daughter this year. It is my right as a grieving mum to do so, and so I shall.
I just cannot stomach being around too many. It doesn't feel like the right thing for me to do, and I am just not ready for it. If I did throw myself out into public view this holiday might be pretty nasty. I would not be a nice person to be around, I would only be angry, bitter and futile.
Matty on the other hand is willing to go ahead with seeing a big group of family. Perhaps he is a bit more brave than I. I want to be there for him, to support him through it....but I would be forcing myself to be out in public. I just don't want to and I just won't.
Stubborn and selfish as this all sounds, I don't give a shit. I'm sorry I just don't.
Its too much to needlessly to put my fragile self through. Too much. There is not enough to be thankful for this year. The most important person to feel thankful for is dead.
So, to the holiday season of 2007, I raise up my middle finger to you and say.....FUCK OFF!
Monday, November 19, 2007
This Time Last Year.
I remember how I felt this time last year....HAPPY! I was so happy, and I had a happy baby moving and kicking me, and I had a happy husband who loved to kiss my belly and his child within that belly.
This year I am not so happy. I am filled with grief, and I miss the baby that was within me. She kept me so warm all fall and winter long. Now I am back to being cold through the fall and winter. Wow, how fast things can change.....
Life has been changed for us forever. What a bizarre realm we live in now....its like an altered state, a completely different universe with the universe. A place that so many people don't understand and will never understand (unless they have had a loss). This other realm of reality and living does get easier with time, I guess. I feel sort of weird saying that because it's not totally that things are getting easier for us. Things are different, and they change from day to day. Maybe this makes no sense whatsoever....my life makes no sense anymore, I am just doing all of these things that really don't matter. I am doing all of these things, when all I really want to be doing is mothering my child.
I remember how I felt this time last year....HAPPY! I was so happy, and I had a happy baby moving and kicking me, and I had a happy husband who loved to kiss my belly and his child within that belly.This year I am not so happy. I am filled with grief, and I miss the baby that was within me. She kept me so warm all fall and winter long. Now I am back to being cold through the fall and winter. Wow, how fast things can change.....
Life has been changed for us forever. What a bizarre realm we live in now....its like an altered state, a completely different universe with the universe. A place that so many people don't understand and will never understand (unless they have had a loss). This other realm of reality and living does get easier with time, I guess. I feel sort of weird saying that because it's not totally that things are getting easier for us. Things are different, and they change from day to day. Maybe this makes no sense whatsoever....my life makes no sense anymore, I am just doing all of these things that really don't matter. I am doing all of these things, when all I really want to be doing is mothering my child.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Not Much To Say
Its just one of those blah days....not much to say. Well, uh other than I am on edge and completely anxious as a close friend is due today with her first child (due dates really don't mean shit i know). Anyways, she is going to have her baby any day, any hour, and second now. I have contacted many friends who live near her (she is in the midwest) so I hope someone reports back to me with what is going on soon! I know that she has been deeply affected by our experience, and I feel kind of badly about that. I just want her baby to come out screaming and pissing all over the place. I need to know that everything is ok with her.
Its just one of those blah days....not much to say. Well, uh other than I am on edge and completely anxious as a close friend is due today with her first child (due dates really don't mean shit i know). Anyways, she is going to have her baby any day, any hour, and second now. I have contacted many friends who live near her (she is in the midwest) so I hope someone reports back to me with what is going on soon! I know that she has been deeply affected by our experience, and I feel kind of badly about that. I just want her baby to come out screaming and pissing all over the place. I need to know that everything is ok with her.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
Sadness Hello Your A Good Friend.
I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like to have had 7 losses.
When I heard about what happened to MegI could hardly get to sleep that night. I felt so helpless, I wanted to do something to reach out but I just did not know what I could do.
Today was a special day, Matty and I got to visit with Meg and her DH and we had a nice time. To connect, and to be able to reach out in person to her and her DH felt really important. What lovely, kind people. I wish that I could heal their deep pain. I wish there was something that I could say to help. We talked a lot with them...and I hope that sharing our grief experience and photos and our support will help, even a little.
So, these last few days have been so intense. I just feel so sad. It is ok though. I haven't felt too sad as of late, so I embrace this sadness that I feel today.
It's now 8 months and 2 weeks since we held our Birdie. Where has the time gone? What have we been doing? What would she be doing right now if she had stayed.
If only she had stayed.
If only she had stayed.
I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like to have had 7 losses.
When I heard about what happened to MegI could hardly get to sleep that night. I felt so helpless, I wanted to do something to reach out but I just did not know what I could do.
Today was a special day, Matty and I got to visit with Meg and her DH and we had a nice time. To connect, and to be able to reach out in person to her and her DH felt really important. What lovely, kind people. I wish that I could heal their deep pain. I wish there was something that I could say to help. We talked a lot with them...and I hope that sharing our grief experience and photos and our support will help, even a little.
So, these last few days have been so intense. I just feel so sad. It is ok though. I haven't felt too sad as of late, so I embrace this sadness that I feel today.
It's now 8 months and 2 weeks since we held our Birdie. Where has the time gone? What have we been doing? What would she be doing right now if she had stayed.
If only she had stayed.
If only she had stayed.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
I am so emotionally drained.
I cannot wait for the weekend its nearly here. Tomarrow is a very special day...and I will tell you why later! I am really excited for tomarrow...YEHA!
So, really quickly I want to tell you that I saw my family yesterday and I did not say anything to my mom. I felt so bad and did not say a thing about how I have been feeling. That I just need her to be there for me. Dam!
Things have been so busy with my parents, my father's job was terminated (after working at the same company for 30+ years!) thanks you G..W. Bu.s.h! Keep on shipping those white collar jobs overseas! Yeah, good job you f-ing asshole!
My grandmother moved in with my parents and its just so much going on with them. I can tell my mum is really stressed out, and so I said nothing.
TOnight though was a different story with my mum in law. I told her of how it was just too hard to reach out to her, when I knew she was trying to be there for me. It was just to intense for me. I had way too much going on with my own emotions and had to just stick to dealing with my own turmoil. In the last few weeks however, I have really wanted to reach out, I felt ready...and so I did. I taught her how to knit, that was the first step. Then tonight I was there at her house, just me. I told her why it was hard for me to reach out...I just told her everything. It was very, very emotional for both of us. It felt so good to tell her, and she and I have a re-newed relationship. I am very happy to be able to say that. My MIL is the sweetest most caring person....and I am so glad to have her back in my life.
I am so tired. Night Night.
I cannot wait for the weekend its nearly here. Tomarrow is a very special day...and I will tell you why later! I am really excited for tomarrow...YEHA!
So, really quickly I want to tell you that I saw my family yesterday and I did not say anything to my mom. I felt so bad and did not say a thing about how I have been feeling. That I just need her to be there for me. Dam!
Things have been so busy with my parents, my father's job was terminated (after working at the same company for 30+ years!) thanks you G..W. Bu.s.h! Keep on shipping those white collar jobs overseas! Yeah, good job you f-ing asshole!
My grandmother moved in with my parents and its just so much going on with them. I can tell my mum is really stressed out, and so I said nothing.
TOnight though was a different story with my mum in law. I told her of how it was just too hard to reach out to her, when I knew she was trying to be there for me. It was just to intense for me. I had way too much going on with my own emotions and had to just stick to dealing with my own turmoil. In the last few weeks however, I have really wanted to reach out, I felt ready...and so I did. I taught her how to knit, that was the first step. Then tonight I was there at her house, just me. I told her why it was hard for me to reach out...I just told her everything. It was very, very emotional for both of us. It felt so good to tell her, and she and I have a re-newed relationship. I am very happy to be able to say that. My MIL is the sweetest most caring person....and I am so glad to have her back in my life.
I am so tired. Night Night.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Affection & Compassion
"Life is ongoing,
and the spirit seeking incarnation
is attracted by the specific energetic quality of the parents,
even as they engage in intercourse.
The environment at conception is important;
it is recommended that during lovemaking a couple meditate on:
love, compassion, consciousness, or gentleness,
and avoid anger, attachment, jealousy, aggression, or fantasies."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The basic human condition, or human quality is human affection. That's the key
thing, right? It is possible to develop, or promote, that human quality, because
human nature, I believe is basically compassionate. Negative emotions are also part
of the human mind. However, the dominant force of the human mind is still
compassion.
Conception takes place when a male and female come together, due, I think, to
genuine love. That means they respect each other, are concerned with each other, and
share a sense of responsibility.
In that way, human life begins. Then during those few months in the mother's womb, the mother's state of mind has a strong influence on the development of the child."
(From Conversations with the Dalai Lama on Mindfulness, Emotions, and Health)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can remember so clearly my state of mind when I was pregnant with Birdie, I was clear and I felt so peaceful. Birdie was a calm baby, even when she moved in my belly, there was a calm about her. She was peace. Then when she was born she was pure peace, beautiful stillness. She was born meditating in a way....a perfect, peaceful, beautiful little Buddha.
"Life is ongoing,
and the spirit seeking incarnation
is attracted by the specific energetic quality of the parents,
even as they engage in intercourse.
The environment at conception is important;
it is recommended that during lovemaking a couple meditate on:
love, compassion, consciousness, or gentleness,
and avoid anger, attachment, jealousy, aggression, or fantasies."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The basic human condition, or human quality is human affection. That's the key
thing, right? It is possible to develop, or promote, that human quality, because
human nature, I believe is basically compassionate. Negative emotions are also part
of the human mind. However, the dominant force of the human mind is still
compassion.
Conception takes place when a male and female come together, due, I think, to
genuine love. That means they respect each other, are concerned with each other, and
share a sense of responsibility.
In that way, human life begins. Then during those few months in the mother's womb, the mother's state of mind has a strong influence on the development of the child."
(From Conversations with the Dalai Lama on Mindfulness, Emotions, and Health)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can remember so clearly my state of mind when I was pregnant with Birdie, I was clear and I felt so peaceful. Birdie was a calm baby, even when she moved in my belly, there was a calm about her. She was peace. Then when she was born she was pure peace, beautiful stillness. She was born meditating in a way....a perfect, peaceful, beautiful little Buddha.
Monday, November 12, 2007
A Photo From L
I remember L taking this photo at the baby shower...now that I look at it. My mum so giddy and a little tipsy talking right into my belly, right to Birdie. My sweet mum, so proud and so excited for me to be pregnant, for her to be a grandmother "finally."
L, if you are reading this...thank you so much for this photo. Like I said to you this past weekend, we will take all the images we can get. They are all so very important. Though they might make us sad, they are also vital for our memories of having her with us when she was still safe within my womb. L, this photo is a gift. Thank you.
I feel like I let her down, and maybe that is part of why we don't talk much anymore. Some of you have said that I should tell her how I feel. I want to but you don't know my mother. She is so stubborn and so ultra sensitive at the same time. Its really hard to talk to her, or tell her much of anything. As a teenager it was so hard for me to talk to her because she always got mad at me much of the time, or seemed annoyed at me. There were plenty of times that she was loving and warm, but she can be super moody and very hard to talk to about anything. Its frustrating.
When I was pregnant, it was so easy to talk to her....we were both so eager to share things with each other. Now, we have reverted. I think that I will try to reach out to her again this week, as I will probably see her on Wednesday my Papa's birthday. I hate feeling like this, like I'm back in high school, like I screwed up and I am walking on egg shells until I can get it right. Maybe I am over reacting, maybe not. All I know is how much that photo says about the both of us. My Mum and me, we were both so giddy over Birdie, so happy, excited to meet her. I hope to find even a smidge of that giddy person that I was...and I wish that for her to. When I do get pregnant again, I don't want to be fearful all the time, I will be how I was with Birdie. Thankful every millisecond, ever moment all the time. I need to be that way, for me, for baby, for Matty and for our families. We need to have hope, we just need to.
We need to bring hope to our families...especially our Mum's.....so that they can both talk to my belly (and the baby within) again with love and giddy laughter again.
*fyi if you are wondering if i am preggers....no, i am not.
I remember L taking this photo at the baby shower...now that I look at it. My mum so giddy and a little tipsy talking right into my belly, right to Birdie. My sweet mum, so proud and so excited for me to be pregnant, for her to be a grandmother "finally."L, if you are reading this...thank you so much for this photo. Like I said to you this past weekend, we will take all the images we can get. They are all so very important. Though they might make us sad, they are also vital for our memories of having her with us when she was still safe within my womb. L, this photo is a gift. Thank you.
I feel like I let her down, and maybe that is part of why we don't talk much anymore. Some of you have said that I should tell her how I feel. I want to but you don't know my mother. She is so stubborn and so ultra sensitive at the same time. Its really hard to talk to her, or tell her much of anything. As a teenager it was so hard for me to talk to her because she always got mad at me much of the time, or seemed annoyed at me. There were plenty of times that she was loving and warm, but she can be super moody and very hard to talk to about anything. Its frustrating.
When I was pregnant, it was so easy to talk to her....we were both so eager to share things with each other. Now, we have reverted. I think that I will try to reach out to her again this week, as I will probably see her on Wednesday my Papa's birthday. I hate feeling like this, like I'm back in high school, like I screwed up and I am walking on egg shells until I can get it right. Maybe I am over reacting, maybe not. All I know is how much that photo says about the both of us. My Mum and me, we were both so giddy over Birdie, so happy, excited to meet her. I hope to find even a smidge of that giddy person that I was...and I wish that for her to. When I do get pregnant again, I don't want to be fearful all the time, I will be how I was with Birdie. Thankful every millisecond, ever moment all the time. I need to be that way, for me, for baby, for Matty and for our families. We need to have hope, we just need to.
We need to bring hope to our families...especially our Mum's.....so that they can both talk to my belly (and the baby within) again with love and giddy laughter again.
*fyi if you are wondering if i am preggers....no, i am not.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Home.
Our little road trip was nice. Part of our travels (the most important part) was to head to Pennsylvania to see a very close college friend of mine. I had not seen her since Birdies baby shower. Seeing this dear friend, being able to talk to her, share photos of Birdie and her story was so important. I feel like there is only so much I can try to express to those I am close to over the phone. My dear friend was so eager to hear what happened...she listened so calmy, delicately and lovingly. I am so blessed to be able to call her a friend. It was just so good to talk and show her the photos (though we ran out of time to share all of the ones we had brought). We were only with her for a day and a half, and are planning another trip to see her again soon.
I hate that so many of my close women friends live so far away. Those that have known me since college and after are the women I am closest too. There is one former friend, one who I was friends with since middle school that has fallen away. She has not been there for me and lied to me about why she did not come to see us in the weeks following Birdies death.....so I have to let her go as my friend. (there are many other instances that have also led to this decision)
Anyway, we had a really good time in Pennsylvania and it was sad to leave. L if your reading this.....I miss you very much already and can't wait to see you again and knit together on our next visit! Your a true friend, a true, kind and caring friend and I love you. Thank you for listening to us talk about Birdie and looking at her photos, it means so much that you can be so open to our grief.
I only wish that more people could be open to our grief, willing to speak about our little bird....it breaks my heart that many we know have been so closed. It seems that there isn't much that I can do about that and that breaks my heart to. Though I feel that I am strong enough now to speak out about this to those I am talking about. Sadly, my Mum is one of those people. She used to call me all the time when I was pregnant to see how I was, and how Birdie was. Now, she does not call, and when I see her does not talk about or mention Birdie. I know that its hard for some people, they think that they will make me sad or us sad. However, is it really hard to call me and ask, "How are you doing?" or "I have been thinking about Birdie today and I wanted to call and tell you so." or "Today I saw many birds in the yard and I thought of Birdie and you and wanted to tell you so."
Saying something is so much better than saying nothing. I am not afraid to speak my daughters name, so why is anyone else?
Our little road trip was nice. Part of our travels (the most important part) was to head to Pennsylvania to see a very close college friend of mine. I had not seen her since Birdies baby shower. Seeing this dear friend, being able to talk to her, share photos of Birdie and her story was so important. I feel like there is only so much I can try to express to those I am close to over the phone. My dear friend was so eager to hear what happened...she listened so calmy, delicately and lovingly. I am so blessed to be able to call her a friend. It was just so good to talk and show her the photos (though we ran out of time to share all of the ones we had brought). We were only with her for a day and a half, and are planning another trip to see her again soon.
I hate that so many of my close women friends live so far away. Those that have known me since college and after are the women I am closest too. There is one former friend, one who I was friends with since middle school that has fallen away. She has not been there for me and lied to me about why she did not come to see us in the weeks following Birdies death.....so I have to let her go as my friend. (there are many other instances that have also led to this decision)
Anyway, we had a really good time in Pennsylvania and it was sad to leave. L if your reading this.....I miss you very much already and can't wait to see you again and knit together on our next visit! Your a true friend, a true, kind and caring friend and I love you. Thank you for listening to us talk about Birdie and looking at her photos, it means so much that you can be so open to our grief.
I only wish that more people could be open to our grief, willing to speak about our little bird....it breaks my heart that many we know have been so closed. It seems that there isn't much that I can do about that and that breaks my heart to. Though I feel that I am strong enough now to speak out about this to those I am talking about. Sadly, my Mum is one of those people. She used to call me all the time when I was pregnant to see how I was, and how Birdie was. Now, she does not call, and when I see her does not talk about or mention Birdie. I know that its hard for some people, they think that they will make me sad or us sad. However, is it really hard to call me and ask, "How are you doing?" or "I have been thinking about Birdie today and I wanted to call and tell you so." or "Today I saw many birds in the yard and I thought of Birdie and you and wanted to tell you so."
Saying something is so much better than saying nothing. I am not afraid to speak my daughters name, so why is anyone else?
Friday, November 09, 2007
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Peace Like A River
One of my very favorite albums right now is this one by Elizabeth Mitchell. Nearly one month after Birdie died I heard a song from this CD "little bird, little bird" and had to buy it for the soul reason of a song called "little bird, little bird". When it arrived in the mail I listened to it and tears flowed. I listened to it over and over again. All the songs on the album are beautiful and so sweet. I imagined singing the songs to Birdie...as if she was cradled in my arms. When I was around 4 or 5 months pregnant with her, I worked as a temp and had to drive to my job. I would play the first Elizabeth Mitchell CD that I had ever heard of (you are my flower) and would sing it over and over again to Birdie. She would move around when I sang to her, even kicking me really hard at times and I LOVED IT!
I have started listening again to the You Are My Little Bird album again..and singing out loud to my sweet Birdie. I love to think that she hears me. I sang the whole album out loud for her yesterday many times. It gave me peace, calm and I felt like she heard me.
Today I am feeling ok. I feel peace, calm, boundless love and joy.
One of my very favorite albums right now is this one by Elizabeth Mitchell. Nearly one month after Birdie died I heard a song from this CD "little bird, little bird" and had to buy it for the soul reason of a song called "little bird, little bird". When it arrived in the mail I listened to it and tears flowed. I listened to it over and over again. All the songs on the album are beautiful and so sweet. I imagined singing the songs to Birdie...as if she was cradled in my arms. When I was around 4 or 5 months pregnant with her, I worked as a temp and had to drive to my job. I would play the first Elizabeth Mitchell CD that I had ever heard of (you are my flower) and would sing it over and over again to Birdie. She would move around when I sang to her, even kicking me really hard at times and I LOVED IT!
I have started listening again to the You Are My Little Bird album again..and singing out loud to my sweet Birdie. I love to think that she hears me. I sang the whole album out loud for her yesterday many times. It gave me peace, calm and I felt like she heard me.
Today I am feeling ok. I feel peace, calm, boundless love and joy.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Photo Day!
I had been taking a sewing class and in the class we learned how to use our sewing machine, and this is what we made! (we each made a different one with our own fabrics)
I Love my BIRDIE BAG!
I had been taking a sewing class and in the class we learned how to use our sewing machine, and this is what we made! (we each made a different one with our own fabrics)
I Love my BIRDIE BAG!
Monday, November 05, 2007
Transition.
Thank you so much for all of your lovely, caring and supportive comments. Knowing that you are reading my words, and that you have seen our movement through the darkness, into the fog and at times back again means so much. You all, our family of bloggers who know what this is like....you have reached out to us so many times and I love you for the friendship you have shown. It sounds strange to say to that to so many who we have never met (and I hope someday to meet you all). We are all connected by our beautiful babies.
I wanted to share today that I feel another wave of transition (what a word to use! i was somewhat close to transition in my labor with Birdie when her heart rate dropped) coming on....and I am embracing this transition with everything that I have got. Yet again our grief is moving into another place, the clouds, the tears are subsiding just a little bit more. I am feeling like a happier person (at least today I am!) and we all know that can change in an instant. The sun is shining, and hope is here. Hope is really, really here and we are embracing that hope together.
Once again I am in disbelief that 8 months have slipped by...really a short amount of time in a "normal" lifetime. However to us to us (the not so normal anymore), it is strangely long. Just like I felt that I was pregnant with Birdie for a long time, I did not rush being pregnant with her. I was so careful to celebrate each precious day we had her, and I had her in my womb.
Perhaps my body knew what was to come. Oh how I miss her in my belly..and oh how I am longing, once again to hold another in that same way. I can't believe that I can say such a thing, but its only the truth, the honest, raw truth.
Thank you so much for all of your lovely, caring and supportive comments. Knowing that you are reading my words, and that you have seen our movement through the darkness, into the fog and at times back again means so much. You all, our family of bloggers who know what this is like....you have reached out to us so many times and I love you for the friendship you have shown. It sounds strange to say to that to so many who we have never met (and I hope someday to meet you all). We are all connected by our beautiful babies.
I wanted to share today that I feel another wave of transition (what a word to use! i was somewhat close to transition in my labor with Birdie when her heart rate dropped) coming on....and I am embracing this transition with everything that I have got. Yet again our grief is moving into another place, the clouds, the tears are subsiding just a little bit more. I am feeling like a happier person (at least today I am!) and we all know that can change in an instant. The sun is shining, and hope is here. Hope is really, really here and we are embracing that hope together.
Once again I am in disbelief that 8 months have slipped by...really a short amount of time in a "normal" lifetime. However to us to us (the not so normal anymore), it is strangely long. Just like I felt that I was pregnant with Birdie for a long time, I did not rush being pregnant with her. I was so careful to celebrate each precious day we had her, and I had her in my womb.
Perhaps my body knew what was to come. Oh how I miss her in my belly..and oh how I am longing, once again to hold another in that same way. I can't believe that I can say such a thing, but its only the truth, the honest, raw truth.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Farther and Farther Away...
I don't have much to say today. I think that if I wrote a whole lot today I would just be repeating myself, echoing my words from yesterday.
One thing that I just cannot shake is the amount of time that has somehow just slipped by. We are 8 months away from our girl...8 MONTHS! How many days is that? Hours? Minutes? Seconds? I am too exhausted to take the time and figure that out.
Its been a long time since I had a dream about Birdie. I don't know, so much time has passes, but yet it seems like it was just yesterday we held her and cried. Our tears, our warm tears dripping upon her cold, soft stillborn skin.
I don't have much to say today. I think that if I wrote a whole lot today I would just be repeating myself, echoing my words from yesterday.
One thing that I just cannot shake is the amount of time that has somehow just slipped by. We are 8 months away from our girl...8 MONTHS! How many days is that? Hours? Minutes? Seconds? I am too exhausted to take the time and figure that out.
Its been a long time since I had a dream about Birdie. I don't know, so much time has passes, but yet it seems like it was just yesterday we held her and cried. Our tears, our warm tears dripping upon her cold, soft stillborn skin.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
I Just Feel So Tired...
Its the 3rd of the month. Matty is in Vermont playing a show with his band, and here I sit on the couch with cuddly little Macy pants watching Muppets Take Manhattan (a favorite movie of mine since I was a kid).
Today was a shit day let me tell you. The weather here was cold, windy and a little rainy here and there. Even with the weather being so yuck I still took Macy for a nice hour or so walk. I really like walking with her for so long, it gives me a lot of time to think. We have a couple of different "walk" routes, one of them goes right by the hospital where Birdie was born. For months now I have only walked by on one side of the hospital. Yesterday I took a slightly different route and walked by the hospital and it gave me a clear view of the floor where the birth center is located. When I noticed I started to cry and I didn't give a flying fuck who saw me crying.
Today I took Macy for 2, hour or so walks...and walked by that hospital with hope in my heart, and memories of Birdie when we had her with us. I don't know why it has been so easy for me to walk by and drive by the hospital. Matty can't do it, he still cannot drive by there. My MIL won't even drive on the main road that connects to the street the the hospital is on. Often when I walk by there (which is 2-3 times a week), I hope to see a nurse that was there when everything happened, anyone who cared for Birdie and us. I just want them to see me and stop their car and say hello, ask how I am doing. This never happens, and I know it won't. Today I got the idea in my head that it might be time for me to actually stop in there, to the birth center. I have been thinking this for a while, but only now do I think I could actually go through with it. I just think its something I need to do, to add another layer of healing upon my wound. I know that Matty is not ready for anything like that, and that is fine, but I think I need to go ahead with it.
What a strange, strange reality we live. I feel like I live in a universe so seperate from other people (who have not had a loss). Its still hard for me to really fit in, and keep my patience with people. Today I nearly lost my temper with this guy at a camera shop I went into (I needed someone to look at my camera, as I thought something was broken). The guy looks at my camera, tells me blah blah blah....and is super snooty with what he is saying, total smart ass to me! So I say, "look, you don't have to be a jerk". So he says, either its this or that....and I was just like, "nevermind", I grabbed up my camera, put the lens back on it and walked out of the store. I was so on the verge of just swearing at him, he was such a fucking asshole! Now I know why I never go to that place!
After that adventure, I stopped at the local whole foods to get some ingredients to make a spinach and chic pea curry (recipe from Vegan With A Vengeance, its delicious!). I couldn't find a parking space, and then someone stole the one I was going to park in...and that was it I lost it and just started balling...as I was driving. Birdie was just all in my mind, in my body and just everywhere and in an instant everything came crashing in on me.....and I was reminded of how she was not in the car with me, in her car seat, she was not in the grocery store with me in her sling close to my body as she could be, I cannot feel her warm breath on my skin, nor can I hear her coos as I shop for my groceries and nurse her to keep her calm and content.
No, she is not here with me. She is not here with me right now sleeping on my chest. With Macy sweetly sleeping beside her and every once and a while kissing her little sisters hand, or feet. No, little Birdie is not here with me as I sit on the couch, and think about her father playing music, and how sweet of him to come home and gently kiss his daughters cheek and sweetly push her hair out of her face as she sleeps. No, that is not the reality I live in. No its not. My reality is sitting here typing these words and sobbing. My reality is to cry when I think so hard about my little baby that my heart just bursts and gushes love...and there is no baby to give that love to. My reality is a quiet house, where no baby cries, or coos. My reality is an ever looming sadness, next to sparks of the happy person I once was. I hate this altered state of being and living. I hate it that people cannot just look at me and know that I am a MAMA! I just look like I did before I got pregnant...even my pooty, smoochy baby pouch is pretty much gone now, along with all of the weight I had put on (around 70 pounds). So, no, nobody knows that I actually was ever pregnant or that I have a baby, who died. I have been considering adopting mourning customs that are practiced in other countries....I just haven't decided on which one yet. I am mourning, I am mourning so very fiercely and I want people to know.
Wow I feel so fucking far away from her.....from my baby girl. 8 months, is a long time to not see someone you love. Its a really fucking long time. I have never loved someone as much as I love Birdie, never! Its such a long time since we saw her, and we can't ever see her again...wow. Damnit. I don't know what else to say. I hate my reality, I have never missed anyone as much as I miss Birdie...I wish I had magical powers and that I could have saved her life. If I had somehow unknowingly accepted that she is dead, tonight I shake my head in disbelief.
Oh, and where have all those people gone that came to Birdies wake, and her celebration of life ceremony? Where have all those supportive people gone? Why does it seem like everyone has moved on with their lives, don't they know they can't just do that? Why doesn't anyone send us cards anymore....."Hi, I know that it had been 8 months since your little Birdie passed.....I am thinking of you all and wanted to tell you so." Why haven't we gotten any cards like that? Why don't my own parents who are so loving, call on the 3rd of the month to say "hi, I know today is the 3rd, and I was thinking about Birdie so I wanted to call and tell you so." Why can't my own mother talk with me about my grief, why can't she tell me she is thinking about her granddaughter....WHY? I didn't notice until recently how unavailable my mom is to me. It's really hard for me to accept that, but I guess that is just how it is. There is a whole long story about that, but I don't want to get into that on this blog.
So, I carry on....
I am really fucking sad today, tonight. That's really the whole point of this post. Its the 3rd of the month, and I am really, really sad.
Its the 3rd of the month. Matty is in Vermont playing a show with his band, and here I sit on the couch with cuddly little Macy pants watching Muppets Take Manhattan (a favorite movie of mine since I was a kid).
Today was a shit day let me tell you. The weather here was cold, windy and a little rainy here and there. Even with the weather being so yuck I still took Macy for a nice hour or so walk. I really like walking with her for so long, it gives me a lot of time to think. We have a couple of different "walk" routes, one of them goes right by the hospital where Birdie was born. For months now I have only walked by on one side of the hospital. Yesterday I took a slightly different route and walked by the hospital and it gave me a clear view of the floor where the birth center is located. When I noticed I started to cry and I didn't give a flying fuck who saw me crying.
Today I took Macy for 2, hour or so walks...and walked by that hospital with hope in my heart, and memories of Birdie when we had her with us. I don't know why it has been so easy for me to walk by and drive by the hospital. Matty can't do it, he still cannot drive by there. My MIL won't even drive on the main road that connects to the street the the hospital is on. Often when I walk by there (which is 2-3 times a week), I hope to see a nurse that was there when everything happened, anyone who cared for Birdie and us. I just want them to see me and stop their car and say hello, ask how I am doing. This never happens, and I know it won't. Today I got the idea in my head that it might be time for me to actually stop in there, to the birth center. I have been thinking this for a while, but only now do I think I could actually go through with it. I just think its something I need to do, to add another layer of healing upon my wound. I know that Matty is not ready for anything like that, and that is fine, but I think I need to go ahead with it.
What a strange, strange reality we live. I feel like I live in a universe so seperate from other people (who have not had a loss). Its still hard for me to really fit in, and keep my patience with people. Today I nearly lost my temper with this guy at a camera shop I went into (I needed someone to look at my camera, as I thought something was broken). The guy looks at my camera, tells me blah blah blah....and is super snooty with what he is saying, total smart ass to me! So I say, "look, you don't have to be a jerk". So he says, either its this or that....and I was just like, "nevermind", I grabbed up my camera, put the lens back on it and walked out of the store. I was so on the verge of just swearing at him, he was such a fucking asshole! Now I know why I never go to that place!
After that adventure, I stopped at the local whole foods to get some ingredients to make a spinach and chic pea curry (recipe from Vegan With A Vengeance, its delicious!). I couldn't find a parking space, and then someone stole the one I was going to park in...and that was it I lost it and just started balling...as I was driving. Birdie was just all in my mind, in my body and just everywhere and in an instant everything came crashing in on me.....and I was reminded of how she was not in the car with me, in her car seat, she was not in the grocery store with me in her sling close to my body as she could be, I cannot feel her warm breath on my skin, nor can I hear her coos as I shop for my groceries and nurse her to keep her calm and content.
No, she is not here with me. She is not here with me right now sleeping on my chest. With Macy sweetly sleeping beside her and every once and a while kissing her little sisters hand, or feet. No, little Birdie is not here with me as I sit on the couch, and think about her father playing music, and how sweet of him to come home and gently kiss his daughters cheek and sweetly push her hair out of her face as she sleeps. No, that is not the reality I live in. No its not. My reality is sitting here typing these words and sobbing. My reality is to cry when I think so hard about my little baby that my heart just bursts and gushes love...and there is no baby to give that love to. My reality is a quiet house, where no baby cries, or coos. My reality is an ever looming sadness, next to sparks of the happy person I once was. I hate this altered state of being and living. I hate it that people cannot just look at me and know that I am a MAMA! I just look like I did before I got pregnant...even my pooty, smoochy baby pouch is pretty much gone now, along with all of the weight I had put on (around 70 pounds). So, no, nobody knows that I actually was ever pregnant or that I have a baby, who died. I have been considering adopting mourning customs that are practiced in other countries....I just haven't decided on which one yet. I am mourning, I am mourning so very fiercely and I want people to know.
Wow I feel so fucking far away from her.....from my baby girl. 8 months, is a long time to not see someone you love. Its a really fucking long time. I have never loved someone as much as I love Birdie, never! Its such a long time since we saw her, and we can't ever see her again...wow. Damnit. I don't know what else to say. I hate my reality, I have never missed anyone as much as I miss Birdie...I wish I had magical powers and that I could have saved her life. If I had somehow unknowingly accepted that she is dead, tonight I shake my head in disbelief.
Oh, and where have all those people gone that came to Birdies wake, and her celebration of life ceremony? Where have all those supportive people gone? Why does it seem like everyone has moved on with their lives, don't they know they can't just do that? Why doesn't anyone send us cards anymore....."Hi, I know that it had been 8 months since your little Birdie passed.....I am thinking of you all and wanted to tell you so." Why haven't we gotten any cards like that? Why don't my own parents who are so loving, call on the 3rd of the month to say "hi, I know today is the 3rd, and I was thinking about Birdie so I wanted to call and tell you so." Why can't my own mother talk with me about my grief, why can't she tell me she is thinking about her granddaughter....WHY? I didn't notice until recently how unavailable my mom is to me. It's really hard for me to accept that, but I guess that is just how it is. There is a whole long story about that, but I don't want to get into that on this blog.
So, I carry on....
I am really fucking sad today, tonight. That's really the whole point of this post. Its the 3rd of the month, and I am really, really sad.
Friday, November 02, 2007
8 months
What a wretched Mama I am...this day, on this day she would be an 8 month old infant. Oh sweet, sweet Birdie.
My work (my job) has become so engorged in my mind this week, I nearly forgot this 8 months...this very important mark of time. Oh, what a wretched Mama I am.
This 8 months has felt like a lifetime in so many ways...to withstand such dark and deep grief, to live through it and live on and function is a kind of miracle. It is the love that we feel for Birdie that continues to push us on this path. It is the hope for the future, the hope and the anticipation of TTC and what it can bring.
I feel guilt when I think about TTC again. I feel guilt for even having to consider this...these thoughts would not even be present if she were here alive. She is still here, in spirit. What the fuck does that even mean?...because I don't want the spirit, I want my child here and in the flesh. Obviously, that is not what we have, we have a dead baby and her cremated body that turned to ash in a hot fire. How crazy that we are even thinking about another baby...a baby that I hope with all that I am...will live. Oh how I hope that our next child will live.
I am scared, but my hope and my desire somehow out way the fear.
Birdie, I miss you so very much. I love you more than life...and I think about you all the time. Your still here with me, in my heart and in my soul. I still sing to you when I drive in my car, the songs I sang when you were in Mama's belly....this time last year you were in Mama's belly. I love you, I love you, I love you.
What a wretched Mama I am...this day, on this day she would be an 8 month old infant. Oh sweet, sweet Birdie.
My work (my job) has become so engorged in my mind this week, I nearly forgot this 8 months...this very important mark of time. Oh, what a wretched Mama I am.
This 8 months has felt like a lifetime in so many ways...to withstand such dark and deep grief, to live through it and live on and function is a kind of miracle. It is the love that we feel for Birdie that continues to push us on this path. It is the hope for the future, the hope and the anticipation of TTC and what it can bring.
I feel guilt when I think about TTC again. I feel guilt for even having to consider this...these thoughts would not even be present if she were here alive. She is still here, in spirit. What the fuck does that even mean?...because I don't want the spirit, I want my child here and in the flesh. Obviously, that is not what we have, we have a dead baby and her cremated body that turned to ash in a hot fire. How crazy that we are even thinking about another baby...a baby that I hope with all that I am...will live. Oh how I hope that our next child will live.
I am scared, but my hope and my desire somehow out way the fear.
Birdie, I miss you so very much. I love you more than life...and I think about you all the time. Your still here with me, in my heart and in my soul. I still sing to you when I drive in my car, the songs I sang when you were in Mama's belly....this time last year you were in Mama's belly. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
What a dreary day...
I usually like days like this, cooler fall air, grey overcast skies, the smell of leaves on the ground.....a true fall day. I don't like today though, its really sad and depressing. Its really sad and depressing, and I am so aware of how completely opposite it would be if I had a baby in my arms to brighten my day.
Yesterday was the gallery talk where my photos are showing, it was so incredibly intense.
Matty got out of work for a bit to come to it, and Niobe and Julia made the trip and I was so happy to see them. I felt so much support. Then there is today, the day after and I feel like shit, I am so low, so so sad and I miss Birdie so much. My heart is full of ache on this day, no everyday. The curtain that has been lifting these last few months to let in light, is closed just a little today. I feel that it's ok though, I have some tears that I need to cry...and my body needs to ache, and my mind needs to remember how far I have come on this grief journey thus far.
Yes, I am still very sad, yes I still feel deep pain....but I also feel deep love. Love like nothing I have none, for one who I will never get to know in the flesh.
My little bird, I miss you so......little bird, won't you fly through my window?
Little Birdie, I love you so much...Love Mama
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I am coming back to posting on a regular basis, changes are happening in our life and I need to vent about them. Also, I have been inspired by Niobe to join in the National Blog Posting Month.
I usually like days like this, cooler fall air, grey overcast skies, the smell of leaves on the ground.....a true fall day. I don't like today though, its really sad and depressing. Its really sad and depressing, and I am so aware of how completely opposite it would be if I had a baby in my arms to brighten my day.
Yesterday was the gallery talk where my photos are showing, it was so incredibly intense.
Matty got out of work for a bit to come to it, and Niobe and Julia made the trip and I was so happy to see them. I felt so much support. Then there is today, the day after and I feel like shit, I am so low, so so sad and I miss Birdie so much. My heart is full of ache on this day, no everyday. The curtain that has been lifting these last few months to let in light, is closed just a little today. I feel that it's ok though, I have some tears that I need to cry...and my body needs to ache, and my mind needs to remember how far I have come on this grief journey thus far.
Yes, I am still very sad, yes I still feel deep pain....but I also feel deep love. Love like nothing I have none, for one who I will never get to know in the flesh.
My little bird, I miss you so......little bird, won't you fly through my window?
Little Birdie, I love you so much...Love Mama
-------------------------------------------
I am coming back to posting on a regular basis, changes are happening in our life and I need to vent about them. Also, I have been inspired by Niobe to join in the National Blog Posting Month.
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