Aamaa
I think that is what I would like to be called by when I eventually become mama to a living child, to Birdie's brother or sister...Aaamaa! I love the way that this word sounds. It's Nepali for "Mother". Or maybe Aamaa Mama!
I am not going to be blogging very much about this subject (about subsequent pregnancy, NO I am not pregnant!) because we want to be private about it.
To my fellow bloggers, how did you handle your decisions with subsequent deliveries? Family pressure to do this or that etc.
edited to add: while I know very well that there are many who will be extremely concerned for me when I am pregnant again, I respect that concern. I respect that you will be anxious as well when you hear the news that I am in labor. I know that you care very much about us. It's just too much to hear people tell us what we should do the next time, what hospital to go to or why we should go there. That is all I really mean when I say that it is too much to take on other's anxiety. Of course we are going to make the right choice for us, the safest choice. I know you love us very much. I do not mean to sound like I am ungrateful, because I am not. It is your love and support that helped us so much in the weeks after Birdie died.
10 comments:
The concern comes from love. It's about having a baby that is healthy and safe in your arms. Can you blame us for being anxious? We all just want You to be safe, and we know that you want that more then all of us put together. I understand keeping our anxieties to ourselves will be helpful to you, but remember that some of our family are going to be more nervous for you, and it's not fair to them to make them not have those feelings. You make it sound like we are all so awful and misunderstanding...but it's not true of all of us. We don't view what happened lightly Erin, and we respect that you have had to go through some serious stuff just to function every day. Our lives were changed a little bit too by Birdies death, and I think in the end, the only thing that all of us want for you is health, life, and a bit of happiness.
Concern is an emotion of love, and if we didn't have it, what then would you think of us? Even if you were to try for another home birth, I wouldn't judge you. I saw a midwife through my whole pregnancy, but she broke her shoulder the weekend before Hannah's birth, and I ended up with a Doctor anyway. When it comes to birth and babies, rarely do things go as planned. You have so much knowledge now Erin, that I know any and all decisions regarding your pregnancy and birth will be what's best for you. At the end of the day you are the mom, and Matt is the Dad, and you guys are the important ones for your baby, not the rest of us and any of our concerns.
Smooch!
Meg
I understand what Meg is saying above, and I don't know your family situation obviously. But I can tell you that my family and friends, bless them, have driven me CRAZY with their concern. They are one person with concerns and it may feel like a small thing to ask for an update, but when you add them all together, a big part of your day can be taken up by answering and attending to the questions and it doesn't necessarily happen when you're prepared for it. In the weeks after I announced my pregnancy, I swear my phone rang all day and my inbox was packed with messages. Constantly. It caused me no end of anxiety as I couldn't escape. If people called, and I didn't answer or return their call within 24 hours, panic ensued. I knew it all came from love, but my husband and I are just two people, who had to live with the fear and anxiety every day and needed to sometimes box that away to just function. It wasn't fair that my sister could decide to call at 9am, then my aunt at noon, my mom at 2, my friend at 5....and so on. So that's why I insisted that people read my blog, but then they were upset by what they read there because my emotions were so raw. So then it became - I will report to my mom and others should talk to my mom. That has worked well. It aggravates me at time to imagine all the conversations about me without my input, but really I just need the peace. I'm happy to talk to anyone about anything else, and on my schedule.
As for their concern about my medical care, our situations are very different. But many people really wanted me to have a scheduled c-section because of the chaos that ensued during Natan's birth. I calmly told them ONCE how I had gone about choosing a new doctor, and ONCE that that doctor felt that it wasn't reasonable to schedule a c-section if I made it to term. And then I told them I was finished with the topic. It took me saying, "I know you're concerned but you're just making me more anxious" a few times to make a few of them stop.
Wanting privacy and peace and order is not about rejecting your family's concern and support. It's about making an almost unbearable situation survivable.
I hope you can find something that works given your own particular family dynamics.
Much love to you. I'm thinking of you and sending you good thoughts.
We sat down and talked it out with our parents, who were all more than pleased to let us do things our way. We are pretty much ignoring everything else. It is WAY too important for us, and you, to do things however is right and personal.
Oh how I send you love and peace during this time.
As a commenter said, of course there are anxieties and concerns from loved ones. However, these folks have to know that negative energy (even concerned energy when projected inappropriately) is NOT what a TTC or pregnant or laboring mama needs. "I care about you and want you to know that no matter what I love you" sends a loving message and still gets the point across the same as "I'm worried...do this..don't do this...why?whey?how?where?"...
I TOTALLY hear you, Erin.
This is YOUR journey, your pregnancy and birthing path. No noone has a right to invade that.
Place you and your family in a bubble of peace and remain that way throughout this journey. It will serve you all well.
You know my story...homebirth transport with #1 and then an "illegal" HBAC with #2. I just told everyone up front even after #1 that I'm going to have another homebirth, no if's and's or but's. If any concerns were brought up I'd acknowledge them and say "We have plans in place...we just needing supportive energy right now".
I am so sorry that your trust in homebirth has (understandably!) wavered. I know that in and of itself is a sadness, part of your grieving process. I honor that.
If a new baby is in your plans, I wish for you healing and peace in this next birth no matter if you choose to birth this baby in a hospital or in the middle of a rain forest storm. :)
Love to you, my powerful friend.
xoxo
I'm in the same position as you in some respects. We had planned a homebirth, but things obviously didn't work out that way. I have been told by 'independent' midwives that I can still chose to have a homebirth next time if I want. ???? Really I don't think that is an option for me next time, I need to know that I have done everything I can do to make sure my next child is safe. Whether that is just a perceived safeness I don't really know or care, I just don't want to have doubts about my choices if anything did go wrong again.
I have been told by my consultant that I can be induced up to 2 weeks before my due date, or if I really freak out I can book a c section. I do not want either of of those options as I am well aware of the risks of both. At the same time, since J died while I was in early labour I am frightened beyond belief about giving going into labour and giving birth a second time. I have the benefit of having had a 'normal' birth so in theory a second birth should not be as long or as hard. But really I feel overwhelmed with all the decisions to be made and I'm not even pregnant.
Some advice I got which I feel was useful was to wait and see. Once I get pregnant as my pregnancy progresses wait and see how I feel then do what ever my heart tells me is the right thing to do.
I would very much like to have a natural birth and to put my demons to bed so to speak. But we will see. I don't think there is a right or a wrong decision in these circumstances. It's so tough.
I too wish you much peace during your next pregnancy. You are obviously a strong intelligent woman, you will know what are the right choices when the time comes.
My family and friends can be pretty detached-sounding about all of this, but in the end, they are very concerned as well. Designating one person to talk to everyone can help you feel less of their stress, yet give them the information they need to stay calm.
What drove me crazy during my subsequent pregnancies is the idea that once I've had a problem that the solution is to pile on intervention after intervention and that somehow will "fix" everything.
Well, it won't. It certainly didn't for me any other time. Right-sizing the interventions can be a much better choice.
I think what's important to do Erin, is to be clear in your head first, then with others, what you want and how you want to do it.
There is a middle ground between a home-birth and a scheduled c-section while frozen up to your eyeballs. My hospital has lots of high-tech equipment and high-risk OBs sitting right there all the time. But they don't even come in to the room if they aren't needed. And they keep the equipment behind curtains.
My current OB for example, and my previous one, love doing low-tech calm births, where they literally help a woman lift her own baby out with her hands after she pushes the head out. And even a c-section, if needed, can be calmly and quietly done. They never ever do episiotomies, since there is zero evidence based medicine that they help. These OBs exist, you just have to look, and many of them work with nurse-midwives to ensure that women get safe and gentle birth experiences.
And your family & friends need to know that it isn't a zero-sum game. It may help them feel more relaxed about all of this if you all sit down and talk about it beforehand or like I said just go with the designated intermediary idea.
Oh, Erin
Good for you, you stand up for what you want. I have no advice for you, my friend, because you should do what your heart tells you.
And it will.
It will.
Other's anxieties will get to you, so let them be anxious, and if you keep them well informed when you do become pregnant, they will begin to trust Birdie's brother or sister as you will.
You know what to do.
xox
Erin, just want to send some support your way. I don't really have this problem with my family, but I have had it a bit with in-laws. In that case, I just don't tell them all the details. I use vague phrases like, "my doctor and i have it all worked out", or "I will be deciding with my doctor" It is true, concern can come from love, but it does start to feel like a pressure. I know there have been times when I have almost felt that underneath their "concern" is the indication that I must have done something wrong before. I KNOW they don't mean it like that, but we already blame ourselves so much, it can be hard not to be overly sensitive. Let everyone know, the best support they can give you is, "I'm behind you, no matter what, no matter the outcome"
I fully support and understand your need for privacy.
Cheers to you Mama Bear!
I am wishing the both of you the best of luck, whenever you embark on your new journey.
I love the name Aamaa.
From reading your post and some of the comments, I can see that working with a surrogate is going to have some definite advantages -- assuming the IVF works, that is.
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