Carry Her & All Our Precious Children In Our Hearts

It's the holidays, and I am just not into it. All I can think about, all that I am consumed by how our most precious gift never made it alive into the world. Birdie. All that I can think about is her, and how much time has passed and where we are right now. Our mental states of being are ok. We have not cracked up completely. But that does not mean that there are not really hard days, because as so many of you know there are SO MANY hard days. I am having an in between kind of day and state of mind. I am so sick of all of the holiday cheer right now...

I am glad that people have it, but I just don't feel ok being around it. Probably one day I will want to be around it. However, this year just don't count me in on anything related to the holidays, except maybe snowboarding on the snow that the season has brought us.

Anyways, I am not making much sense anymore. What I really wanted to say is that not only do I carry Birdie in my heart, but I carry all of our children their. I know that there are many...there are too many losses between all of us. But please know that your little ones are very precious to me too. Please know that I am thinking of your sweet little babes.

I sent out an email sort of card (w/photo & poem) to some of you who who's email addresses are in my gmail. Here the a beautiful poem by ee cummings that I put with the photo of Birdie, Me & Matt.


i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings