The Reason
Ok so the reason that I have felt the need to go private with this blog. We are at that point, you know past the 9 months of healing. We want very much to conceive another beautiful life.
I was convinced that in this past month that we had indeed done just that. Then the date that I should have got my "friend" came and went, and and then another day came (and I got SO excited!)...but then that afternoon guess who decided to show up. My hopes were totally slashed and I was so incredibly sad and depressed. I was weepy for the rest of the day and cried myself to sleep that night...thinking about Birdie, and thinking about how much we want a brother or sister for her.
It feels like now that we are at the point to be trying and be doing so safely, knowing that my c-section scar is healed...that we have entered into yet another realm of disappointment. Disappointment and heartbreak if that trying does not do what you think and hope that it will.
I am diving into some deep shit here emotionally (as if I wasn't in that deep trench of emotion every day already!), and I just don't want to share this with some family. I just don't want to cause them any more emotional trauma that my emotional trauma could cause with things that I might say (and we don't really want them to know that we are ttc). I just need to vent, and in a more "private" space. Well, at least with people whom I have chosen to share in this emotional roller coaster with me. Those of you who know what the hell of losing your child is and can be, and then the other roller coaster of going ahead and wanting and trying to begin again.
So my friends, welcome to my personal emotional trench. Read all about how I am trying desperately to dig my way out of it.
How is it that it was so "easy" to conceive our sweet little Birdie, only to lose her right before we got to meet her. And now, it seems that even though we are in a good place when we are trying, that what we want most we cannot have?
I am just so sad about this. So sad. So sad.
p.s. ba humbug.
20 comments:
oh honey! This same thing happened to me last August/September. I tracked my cycle and knew exactly when we had ovulated and we had "done the deed" many times within the window and after it. Everything looked "normal" (temps, CM, I even felt some ovulation pain, thought I had a little implantation spotting) my period day came and went and I thought for sure we were pregnant. Then it came (two weeks late) much to my devastation (and I kept testing like mad and they were all negative) I was DEVASTATED and thought maybe I had one of those chemical pregnancies and it ended which totally did a mind trip on me.
I realized I was so stressed out about it , there was no way I was ready to put myself through that again and that is why we decided to wait (of course it was only 4 months after J died and probably way too soon anyway, right?)
Long story short. I soooo know that feeling.
A few things that helped me were the online infertile community. They know the ins and outs of all this and see things in charts that I can't (even though it seemed straight forward). They had some great suggestions and helped me to figure out what may be going on, if anything. So maybe if you wanted to, you could ask people to help by posting your FF chart. (of course it is really personal info*but there is a way not to post the "heart" days)
I hope you will get pregnant with Birdie's sibling soon! I'm sending warm thoughts and vibes your way.
thank you so much for letting me continue to read your blog.
I know in a few months we'll start TTCing and hopefully you will already have gone through that process
*hugs*
This is something I'm dreading too when the time comes. With Jacob we just didn't try as such we just let things happen. Next time we will be trying and I know how closely I watched my cycle last time and got weepy when Aunt Flo came as usual. I suspect I'm going to be even worse this time.
I have bought a fertility monitor, pee on a stick every few days put it in machine hey presto instant cycle monitor. It promises to identify your 5 most fertile days, can also use it as a contraceptive so not a total one off waste of money.
I can completely understand you making your blog private through this journey and thank you for adding me to the list to continue being able to read. I am considering doing the same to mine when we decide to try again, just in case people I don't want to end up finding it.
I'm sorry this month didn't bring a BFP.
Sorry for the BFN. And I can totally understand wanting to keep this private. Thankyou for letting me into your private space. I am so wishing that 2008 will bring you that positive pregnancy test and that your journey through your emotional trench is not too hard.
Sending so much love.
I am so sorry for the disappointment this month. I am thinking of you guys and hoping that this cycle is THE cycle for you guys. Thanks for letting me in...
Erin,
Sorry to comment again but I was just over reading complicatedmama (http://letterstothebabiesthatlived.wordpress.com/) and she was lamenting that your blog has just gone private, I think she's been taking time away from blogging and missed your previous post.
Anyway I didn't want to post your email address on her comments so I thought it might be easier to drop by here and leave a comment for you to visit her blog as she's posted her email there.
C x
Erin,
So sorry. I know how wound up I can get just anticipating the BFP. I am neurotic with taking pregnancy tests too. I get pretty wrapped up in it all, which stresses me out, which screws up ovulation. Never good. It's amazing what we do to ourselves, really. I hope so much that you get a big, fat BFP soon. Next month, in fact. Thinking of you.
(Thank you, too, for the invite to your private blog and for giving me the opportunity to read along.)
Erin,
I am so glad for you that you are making your blog private and feeling like it can be a space to really vent, and reel, and continue healing. Thank you for letting us bear witness to it and hold your space as you begin the important, sacred work of asking another being into your womb.
I, too, have felt the stress of TTC (without the added grief of child loss) and I know how tough it can be. A month before I conceived Indi, I tested positive and was so excited. Only to pass the baby a few days later. Even THAT - just having known for a few days I was pregnant - was devastating. Nothing like you've gone through this year.
Just know that your womb and your heart are preparing the most perfect home for your next baby to burrow in. Who knows why and when they choose? I believe babies choose their birthdays so perhaps there is a very special date they are waiting for? That said, you are still allowed to be sad. Of course.
Wishing you breath and peace this season. I know you wish Birdie were here. Me too, love. Me too.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. We are nowhere near ready to try again yet, but I can imagine how it must be even more disappointing to get negative results after a loss. I worry about that for us when the time comes.
Trying again is so bittersweet. I was convinced your dream meant you were pregnant again. But I still think it's a message from Birdie that she is sending a brother or sister. I was OBSESSED with trying again. When it did happen, I cried for days because I wanted my lost Melanie, not a new baby. The whole conceiving again thing after a stillbirth is such a mindfuck. I'm so sorry you're going through it.
Thank you for letting me continue to read your blog.
I'm sorry about the negative - I hope next month will bring better news. This journey is just agonizing - almost every step of it.
You are always in my thoughts. I know Birdie will help you when the time is right. She is your wise spiritual guide.
First, I'd like to tell you that I really appreciate you letting me continue to read your blog. I don't know if I'll be able to say anything sensible enough to give you strenght and hope. And to help you overcome the sadness for this negative. However, just want to send you all my good vibs and best thoughts. I'll be here for your journey towards a new pregnancy.
Hugs,
Gatxan
Erin, thank you for including me.
I don't post much because I don't think there's anything I could ever say to really make you feel better. I think my silent support is most appropriate. I hope you know that you are surrounded on this blog by people who care deeply for you, your DH and Birdie.
Please know that everyday I think of you and I send as much positive healing energy your way as I can. I hope you can feel it.
Hugs,
Tricia
thanks for allowing me access Erin
hoping you conceive quickly.
I'm so hoping that Birdie's little brother or sister will soon be on his/her way. Wishing you all the luck in the world for next month.
I'm sending fertile thoughts your way and looking forward to happy news as you travel down this path.
~Annie
Hi You,
I'm in NC right now and haven't had a chance to check in on you. I'm glad that you made it private so that you could flush out those feelings. It must be so hard having to keep them to yourself. You've taken such good care of your body, and you'll probably get pregnant when you least expect it. I think it's beautiful that you and Matt are TTC again, you're such amazing parents...
Love always (and your secret is safe with me),
Meagan
Erin,
Thank you for including me also in those you allow to follow your story. I can certainly understand how you want your privacy from some family, even some friends during this time. This way, you can vent all you like, talk about your feelings, but still get the support from those of us who are pulling for you. I truly hope that you will be able to conceive soon.
Merry Christmas to you and your DH.
thank you for including me. I know this first month is disappointing, but even in the most perfectly fertile women, it can take a few months.
Take care hon, this will happen soon.
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