Papa's Day

A second fathers day has passed without Matt being able to enjoy his little Birdie girl. I wish that I could make this better for him, to take away his pain and longing for his first little child, but I can't. I can only stand by love him to the best of my ability and support him in his grief. Yesterday turned out to be not such sad, hard day as I had somehow got it together to organize a butterfly release for our local SHARE group called "Empty Arms". There were 4 families who responded and wanted to participate, all of us who first babies had died. We had a total of 30 butterflies to release and it was so beautiful. We had enough to give 2 butterflies to each family. The fathers said their child's name aloud and then opened the little triangular piece of paper that gently held a butterfly within. Before we began the release, Matt read a few poems, 2 relating to butterflies and one about the longing for the child, the one child that all the families present were longing for. It was beautiful, he cried and it reminded me so clearly of the many many tears that fell from his sweet loving eyes upon Birdies soft and still warm skin. It was so sweet to watch him say his daughters name, with those soft teary eyes and to watch the little butterfly slowly move upon the paper...and then begin to fly up towards the skies fluttering beautifully. Much like Birdie's sweet little soul must have.



I have been having thoughts and visions of what could have been for Birdie with her Papa. How sweet he would have always been with her, how beautiful they would been to see walking down the street together, Papa and his little Bird in hand. It breaks my heart all over again time after time that he never will get to live that life along side her. Watching her sleep, holding her close, smiling and lauphing with her....he doesn't ever get to have that and it's so heartbreaking.

I love you Matt, more than I ever thought I could, and more so every single day that I am alive alongside you.