What Lay Upon The Horizon
We are getting so very close to Birdie's 2nd birthday. It still feels as if it was only yesterday that we were so excited with that innocent new parent joy. Expecting to birth a live child, as you might remember, we were expecting to have her at home. Now, the thought of that makes me ill. While many days, months and now almost 2 years have passed I still feel a deep guilt for the choice that ultimately was mine. Had I not been so damned naive and headstrong maybe my baby girl would be here right now.
She isn't.
She died.
Right now as I site here typing, right beside me is the lovely, sweet smelling, warm body of Birdie's little brother. I gaze upon his face, as his eyes are gently closed in a most peaceful slumber. Yes, he looks like his sister, he looks so very very much like her and so perhaps I am getting to watch a glimmer of how she would have grown too. For some it might be hard to have a subsequent child who is a reflection of there dear one who is not with them in the flesh. For me, for us, it is bittersweet but more sweet than bitter. In a way, I am relieved that he resembles his big sister. When I was pregnant I wondered and hoped that he/she would have a small likeness to Birdie.
Oh Birdie. I am missing you very much, very very very much. Sweetest little angel baby, you would be turning 2 years old very soon! I wonder what you would be like, maybe have golden blonde locks with ringlets of curls? Big sparkling vibrant blue eyes, eyes as piercing and lovely as your papas? A big hearty little girl lauph, with a giggle to match?
I just don't know, I can't ever know, I will never know my daughter.
7 comments:
I have the same guilt Erin. There is nothing I can say to make this better for you as I know nothing anyone says to me makes it better. We're mothers, we're always going to feel some guilt. I'm glad Holdyn has the gorgeous looks of his big sister, and I'm glad this is more sweet than bitter for you. How I wish you were watching them both now. I'll walk with you as you reach this second milestone. Happy to have found you. Happy to know of Birdie.
we all have some amount of guilt. Why didn't I realize his movements had slowed down?? I DID! Why didn't I just act on that feeling? No, I KNEW everything would be fine. I've been feeling lately that maybe we all do just 'have a time to go' maybe it doesn't matter what we do differently?? When your number's up, it's up?! I used to be one of those "everything happens for a reason" folks.. I really was, then Dresden died, and I thought screw that!! THERE IS NO REASON FOR MY BABY TO DIE! NONE!!
I too wonder/HOPE that this new baby inside me will look like his big brother.. not to get a second chance with Dresden of course, but to get a glimpse of what he may have looked like growing up. It's a comforting thought. :)
Glad there's more sweet than bitter as you remember your dear Birdie. I remember you telling me very early on that we all carry this guilt around, and that none of us did anything to cause this. Doesn't make the pain any less, but we're here with you through it, remembering Birdie and keeping you in our hearts.
I'm so very sorry, you have every right to feel the way you do, not ever seeing your Birdie grow up is so very hard I'm sure. I know I'm not exactly in your shoes but I think it's OK to think about these things... because we never ever forget our loved ones. Keep holding your Birdie tight in your heart and although I know you'd love to see her now I have complete confidence you shall meet again someday. Hugs to you....
Oh, I sympathize my dear... I feel the same, same way.
So good to see you the other night.
xox
Carol
I like knowing that it's more sweet than bitter. I do hope that my son's future brother or sister bears a resemblance.
Erin, I'm so glad you have Holdyn, but so sad you will never know Birdie. I understand the sweeter than bitter bittersweet.
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