BIRDIE, YOU WOULD BE 3 MONTHS TODAY!

Birdie, where are you my darling girl? I have not felt a cold breeze across my feet for a long time now...send me a sign that you are ok, that you hear me talking to you, singing to you and calling out for you!

I have been thinking so much these days about how I am feeling. As the days, weeks, minutes, seconds are passing by...where am I in my grief, my sadness, my longing for my baby girl. I can say that my hurting, my heart, my sering pain stings the tinyest bit less. However, I do not think of Birdie any less as I thought I had been. I feel like even in my moments of being busy with something that thoughts of her are there...just not completely at the front of my thoughts. When I realize that that is happening I instantly feel a little guilty and sad for being in that space in my head. Then there are times, like right now, when I can just sit and think of her and its so numbing. Today, June 3rd 2007 our baby would be 3 months old. She should be 3 months old, she really should be here and we should be so happy and in love with her and celebrating her 3 months of life after birth! Before I go on, I really want to share some more photos with you all. They are photos that I took of myself when I was around 5-6 months pregnant with Birdie, and then some from when I was 9 months. The later of the images are around 2 weeks before I went into labor. These images made me cry really hard yesterday, after I picked the photos up and looked through them. It was really sad to see them, and beautiful at the same time. I waited until last weekend to have them processed and printed...and I am glad I waited, these images are kind of like a gift, another chance to see and remember Birdie in a fresh light.








I know that I have said this before, I LOVED BEING PREGNANT with Birdie. It was such a sweet blessing to be pregnant with her, she was such a fun baby to grow! Really it was just amazing every day, every moment. She was a miracle. For such a long time I wanted to be pregnant, for many years I used to try and put the pressure on Matt, "Come on let's make a baby!" However, it was just not ever the right time. As I was very well aware that I was nearing the end of my 20's and we were now married, I started to apply a little pressure, or at least the conversation of "trying." Then, last May in the weeks following Matt's birthday I became pregnant. In June, when I had not had my period, which was very unusual...I knew, but I didn't tell Matt. I needed to confirm that I was pregnant...and after 3 tests, each agreeing with what I had thought....I WAS PREGNANT, AND SO FUCKING HAPPY! WE HAD MADE A BABY TOGETHER, IT WAS AMAZING, A MIRACLE! It was this time of year last year that all this began...our story of a beautiful little bird who only had life for 9 months. Those 9 months were the best 9 months of my life. Each day was full of excitement, so much joy and HUGE LOVE!



I can't believe that 3 months have passed. Where have the days gone to? We have moved so far away from the moments we had with Birdie, and that is so fucking sad. Our little girl is 3 months away from us, 3 months from touching her uber soft newborn skin, kissing her lips, holding her tight in our arms, napping with her for one afternoon. Looking back I am so damn happy that the birth center allowed us to have her for 3 days...they were so encouraging that we do keep her as long as we wanted, that was just what we needed. I don't think that we would have chose otherwise, and if I had to I would have fought for her being with us as long as she could, before she needed to have her body cooled. In looking at her pictures from those 3 days, I can see her body changing...from a pink and plump little baby, to a pale and purplish little lifeless body. You can see even just in her face how it began to sink in, her nose began to change and became a little pointed...its so sad to see those images, but we are SO HAPPY TO HAVE THEM!



We just got these images from the funeral home back yesterday. I could not wait to see them, like the pregnancy photos, they are another fresh look at where we were 3 months ago, 3 days with Birdie, then she was picked up by the funeral director...we saw her one last time...then she was gone. She was cremated on thursday, we held her wake on friday evening, saturday we held a celebration of life ceremony for her...and then reality began to sink in, what had she/what had we just gone through? How? Why? Did this happen to her? Silence lingers around that question, we will never know why.

I have began to think (out of desperation?)that she will come back to us someday...maybe in our next child, there will be a lingering of her there, her spirit will live through our next baby. I asked one mom who's first baby was stillborn (our stories are VERY similar)if she could see her stillborn child's face in her subsequent baby, and she told me YES, she saw her baby girls face in her next baby very much so. She now watches her son very closely, and often wonders if as her grown that is how her girl would have looked and acted. My cousin, who has 3 children. Has also told me how much each of her babies looked like the other when they were born. Knowing this has really enhanced my obsession of subsequent pregnancy...I know that my consuming thoughts and longing for this are natural, that it is coming from the want, the need to hold a baby...to nurse a baby...it is all coming from these things I cannot to for Birdie, things I so desperately want to do and experience. Things that I was so beside myself with excitement for, FINALLY I could have the experience of being a mommy! NO! NO you cannot, I am sorry....your child is DEAD! We just want Birdie here so badly, it hurts to think about how badly we wanted her! She was not planned, but came to us...a miracle!

This summer I will turn 29, and it makes me a little nervous about having more babies. Will this happen again? I know I am "still young", but my age does cause me to worry a little bit. I do want to be positive about a subsequent pregnancy, there is no reason not to be positive, its the end of a pregnancy that will be scary. I am finding it to be hard to have to wait, it's so hard to wade through the grief, the tears, the wretched heartache. While I want to be pregnant again, its only cause I miss Birdie, I miss holding her and loving her little baby body...but I also know that had she not died, I would not be feeling this way. Had she not died, our next child would not even be a thought yet! This is where we are, this is our life now, a sad little existence at times. This is our life without Birdie.