I Don't Want This Anymore

Today I am in the worst of moods. I dreamt about Birdie being born dead again and again last night. My dreams took place in a completely foreign place, and I remember that it was like I knew she was going to die before she was born. Then, what followed made me feel all the more pissed off. After she was born dead in my dream, other women were giving birth to live babies, over and over, and over again...these women had it all! I think that that these dreams came from seeing twin babies yesterday at a friends party. I hadn't known that these babies would be there. As it turned out, the twins were 3 months old...Birdie would be 3 months old. Also, one of the babies was wearing the SAME FUCKING ONESIE that we had dressed Birdie in at the hospital. It was the one and only outfit she wore, that onesie created a very important memory for us of Birdie. We were sitting on the grass at the party when Matt noticed that one of the babies was wearing the onesie, he later said he wanted to rip it off the baby! Oh how I wanted to do the same! We couldn't stand to be around those babies, who were still so new, and so quiet and bringing so much joy to everyone at the party. We were both completely overwhelmed, and we had to get up and go for a walk. I cried for a little while, wow that experience totally blindsided us! Going to that party was a really big deal, more so for Matt, it was his first time with many other people. Many whom we did not know and were meeting for the first time, the parents of the twins....do they really understand how lucky they are? I was wearing a pin last night (one of the many I always wear) that has a photo of Birdie, me and Matt. The mother of the twins asked, "Is That Your Baby?" I proudly said YES! I then said, she didn't make it. She said, awwww. Uhm, you could say "I'm Sorry!" Now, this all happened before we knew about the twin babies her and her husband had, they were sleeping in their car. I know, I understand that some people don't know what to say...but some people really piss me off. She really pissed me off.

The friend of mine, who's home the party was at also suffered a loss in the past. She now has her subsequent baby who of course was present last night. I knew her baby would be, and Matt did too. Her baby was crawling all over me, and Matt very courageously touched the babies hand and foot...he was doing so, with tear filled eyes. Touching our friends baby was the first time he has touched a baby since Birdie. The baby crawled onto his lap too...Matt did ok....I know how hard it was for him, but he took a really big step in healing yesterday. We both did-together.

Today I am completely bitter about almost everything. I slept until noon, something I haven't done since the first days and weeks of being home after Birdie died. I took the dog for a walk, and shortly after forced myself to go to the gym. It felt so good to lift weights, I have been really pushing myself with the weights (safely of course). I have always loved lifting, and I enjoy it so much more now. I just want to have my body back, and I want my body to be stronger than ever. I can say that I am getting there, finally...I am making some progress and I feel really great physically.

On days like this though, my mental state troubles me...I was shopping for some art supplies this afternoon, and as I turned a corner, whaddya know---A FUCKING NEWBORN BABY! Oh Hello there! THANKS FOR THE PUNCH IN THE FACE! I could hardly contain myself I wanted to scream! GET YOUR BABY OUR OF MY FACE! Don't you know my baby died? Can't you see that in my face, in the way I walk, in the way stare at your child! Again and again I came upon the stupid baby in the store, I nearly had a nervous breakdown...I pulled myself over and began crying. It couldn't be helped and I didn't give a damn. I wanted to go over to the mother of that baby and ask if she knew just how lucky she was to have her baby alive. I really almost did. I was so close to it, but my body started to move the other way. She has her baby, and I was in the store picking out a shadow box for my babies things....I only have memories.

Today I really hate people, I am having so much trouble relating to anyone but Matt and a few other people in my life. I feel really shitty about this, but I am being honest.

I do want to share with you that I had a really nice morning on friday. I spent some time with a local mom who lost her firstborn daughter 4 years ago. Like Birdie, her girl was stillborn, she died during labor...a very normal labor. The similarities of our experiences are scary. As I was saying, I have grown very close with her, I relate to her so much, and I can share anything with her...she understands so well. So, I spent the morning with her and her 2 beautiful, angelic subsequent babes. Her children are both so very amazing, they are both like little cherubs...her oldest is a very wise little one. It felt very nice to be around her children, to hold them and embrace them. I can feel glimmers of hope when I am around them, and her. She is a very special woman.

When I left them yesterday I cried as I walked through a beautiful nearby garden. I was very, very aware of how completely empty my arms were. Empty of my baby, empty of life. My arms felt all the more long and heavy, more than I have been aware of before.

This morning I had a moment of pure clarity, pure hope...I realized (and deep down already knew) that a subsequent pregnancy will absolutely not replace our Birdie (we could never replace such a special child), but that it could bring some much needed healing and hope. These times are so gloomy and dark for us......too dark. We need to have some hope now. Its time for hope for our future, hope for a living baby that we can hold not only in our hearts but in our very empty achy arms.