I'm Feeling Like...
I am just completely overwhelmed by so many "normal" things about one's "normal" life. Yeah, "normal" whatever the fuck that means anymore. The last two weekends we have seen lots of family, while it was really nice...a good thing to do. For me it was really hard, the thought of being with them was easier than the actual doing. I mean, I dunno...seeing my family felt really nice. I have a much smaller immediate family than M.a..tt does. I love both our families, but sometimes being around so many people is just too much for me.
These days are just sucking a big fat one if you know what I mean. Life just sucks. People tell me they understand, and they mean well...but they don't understand. I mean unless you have lived this nightmare yourself, you don't understand. I am not talking about all of you Mama's and families who DO KNOW what this shit feels like.
Fuck, I hate this, I just want Birdie to be here. I am back to asking why? WHY? Should we have made a different decision(s)?
You know, I can't stand to see pregnant women, I want to vomit on them, yeah, vomit, PUKE all over them because they make me so sick with jealousy! I just want to say something like well, good freakin luck with that! Hope it works out for you, because it sure didn't for us! Oh and FUCK YOU, I loath you for being so perky and pregnant and HAPPY to be so!
I know that all of this sounds cruel, I don't mean it....but I do....I am grieving, and I am FUCKING ANGRY...and I feel like the next time someone "normal" (people who have not had a baby or infant/child die) tells me that they understand what we are feeling, how we are grieving that I am going to scream! I'm sorry but NO you don't understand, you DON'T get it. You just don't.
Birdie, I'm sorry that Mama feels so angry, I just can't help it......I love you so much and its so unfair that so many other people get to "have" their babies, they get to enjoy and love them and hold them. Then there is you, a sweet little innocent and helpless baby....you who died still inside of Mama's body. You were supposed to be just fine in there, safe, ok. Mama's body was supposed to protect you, Mama's body made a bad mistake and stressed you out. Oh Birdie, I just cannot stand not to have you here on earth with us. Mama is angry. Mama is VERY ANGRY!
11 comments:
Erin, it is normal to be angry, and unless you let yourself feel the anger you will never continue on with the process of grieving. You are such a strong woman and mom.
Love to you, Matt and Birdie.
Tricia
Ugh, I would want to strangle someone who said "s/he understands" how we feel. I hate feeling responsible for making other people feel better, as if I'm somehow obligated to listen patiently to and accept the b/s they tell themselves to feel better about our "tragedy."
When I was able to, I really took my anger out on the treadmill, running. Sun salutations, too, really fast and vigorous felt like a good physical release and so strengthening. If I'd had one available, I'd have probably killed a few punching bags. Talking and writing about my anger helped, but like you expressed in your desire to vomit on pregnant women (which I'm still pissed off enough myself to smile conspiratorially imagining it), sometimes you just need to get it out of your body in a different way.
Unsolicited assvice? Find a way to get it out of your system...do not let the anger eat you up. Someone suggested buying garage sale dishes and smashing them. Someone else suggested racquetball or tennis. I found gardening to be very cathartic...whacking the shit out of weeds and dirt made me feel exhausted and a little less angry. You have to feel it. But feel it in a way that lets you release it. Even if it's just a tiny bit at a time.
I know what you mean about the thought of being with people being easier than actually doing it. Like you, I've discovered that it's really, really hard for me to be around too many people. Thinking of you.
I, too, find it really hard to be around too many people.
Oh, and the anger - I held onto the anger a LOT (still do if truth be told) - I nurtured it and used it to lash out at people I cared about... At the end of the day, it's ok. It's how you feel, and that can't be wrong.... x
They know how you feel? Do they now? I say you are allowed to bite their heads off. Nobody should be so clueless as to say such a stupid thing, and you are allowed to "educate" them.
When I first went back to work several people told me that the knew how I felt. At the time I was too dumbfounded to know what to say. So I didn't say anything. A few months later, when my anger really kicked in, I found myself just wishing some thoughtless person would say something like that to me. Or, that I could go back in time to say what I should have said: "Oh really, you know what it feels like to to into preterm labor and have to give birth to your child knowing that he would not survive?"
I think the anger is *normal* and I agree with the others and the suggestions for ways to express it. I believe Birdie understands, too. Oh, and the pregnant women...I completely understand how you feel there, too.
((((((hugs)))))) Anger is very normal, and i agree with the others about finding a way to express it. I am sorry you are feeling this now, i found especially the anger at pg people is very difficult to process. Yet, it is there and must be dealt with.
I also had alot of trouble being around alot of people, agoraphobia(?)/panic attacks in big stores, etc. This does pass, i just wanted to say that. Do what you need to do to avoid those situations -- *you* are more important now than the family etc. who may be momentarily disappointed by your absence.
Thinking of you! ((((hugs))))
*Hugs* It's so hard...
I am so glad you opened your blog back up. I want to support you. I will catch up on your posts & comment then. Thinking of you.
i'm sad for you & all grieving mommies & daddies out there. you're right, i don't *really know* what it feels like, but my heart aches for you all the same. i cry with you. (i actually do) i know that probably doesn't mean anything, but i love you & your daughter all the same.
Post a Comment