A lifting, some clarity....somehow

Today has been a really rainy and dreary day. I don't mind rainy dreary days, I actually like them and I happily welcome them. So I have been thinking a lot about my last post and some of the comments that I received about it. Thank you for the comments by the way. =)

I think that maybe I am finding a small, tiny sense of healing. The gaping hole of a wound in my heart and mind are slowly mending. All of the wound licking I have been doing, the intense grieving, soul searching, and life questioning is helping. This week has not been so bad for me as you can tell by my posts. Last week was the darkest I had felt since the weeks following Birdies death. I was on really shaky ground, and I think that all the purging I was able to do through my writing helped a lot. Again, the comments from you who commented was nice to read too.

The house is quiet today, its nice when its so quiet that I can think clearly about Birdie. At the same time it's a little stinging because it is so quiet...there should be a crying baby in this house. There is a baby in this house, and her body is ash and she lives in an urn and in a charm that I wear around my neck. There is a baby in this house, a baby spirit who fly's around and occasionally turns off the tv when we are watching a movie (we don't have cable, but watch many movies). Yes, there is a baby here but not in the flesh only in spirit form.

The other day I realized that plants I bought when I was pregnant with Birdie had died. I bought a few plants while I was pregnant with her, to start a plant collection...plants to grow as she was growing. Since she died, these plants started to die, I would water them as I always had been, no more no less. They were in the same parts of the house that they had been in, and still they began to wither away. Just this past weekend I finally threw the last of the plants away. I could not believe plants that had thrived for so long and looked so healthy could just wither away. Much like my very awesome pregnancy, my very healthy child...who in the end did not make it, she did not stay alive. I could not believe the strange coincidence when I thought about this yesterday, Birdie passed and so did "her" plants. Now we have many plants that were given to us after Birdie died, and wouldn't ya know they are all thriving and healthy. Even the many outdoor plants that I went crazy buying are doing really well. Its strange.

This weekend is my birthday (the 21st) and I am not exactly wanting to celebrate. Nor do I really want people to say "Happy Birthday", its just not going to be a happy birthday without Birdie. Just to be with my DH and family to spend time. We are going to go back to The Path of Life Garden in VT, that is something I am looking forward to. We are going to bring some of Birdies ashes to spread as well. I feel that being there will bring me some peace on my birthday...some much needed peace.