What a wretched Mama I am...this day, on this day she would be an 8 month old infant. Oh sweet, sweet Birdie.
My work (my job) has become so engorged in my mind this week, I nearly forgot this 8 months...this very important mark of time. Oh, what a wretched Mama I am.
This 8 months has felt like a lifetime in so many ways...to withstand such dark and deep grief, to live through it and live on and function is a kind of miracle. It is the love that we feel for Birdie that continues to push us on this path. It is the hope for the future, the hope and the anticipation of TTC and what it can bring.
I feel guilt when I think about TTC again. I feel guilt for even having to consider this...these thoughts would not even be present if she were here alive. She is still here, in spirit. What the fuck does that even mean?...because I don't want the spirit, I want my child here and in the flesh. Obviously, that is not what we have, we have a dead baby and her cremated body that turned to ash in a hot fire. How crazy that we are even thinking about another baby...a baby that I hope with all that I am...will live. Oh how I hope that our next child will live.
I am scared, but my hope and my desire somehow out way the fear.
Birdie, I miss you so very much. I love you more than life...and I think about you all the time. Your still here with me, in my heart and in my soul. I still sing to you when I drive in my car, the songs I sang when you were in Mama's belly....this time last year you were in Mama's belly. I love you, I love you, I love you.
6 comments:
Your love for Birdie is so palpable in your words. My heart goes out to you.
Thinking of you and M and Birdie today.
The mixture of grief and hope for the future is an awful, painful thing. But nothing will take away or reduce your love for Birdie.
You are so right, living with this kind of grief, is some kind of miracle. And these anniversaries, whether by month or by year are very hard.
I'm thinking of you, your husband and your sweet Birdie.
Hi, birdiesmom:
I know exactly how you feel. I, too, lost a baby, a boy. It's been more than four years now, and the grief doesn't go away. You do well to live with it and examine it, and I know you may have people tell you to stop and to get on with your life. And you will and you do, but do it on your time, no one else's.
I'm going to read a bit, and I'm over at NaBloPoMo. May I add you as a friend?
take care of you.
albamaria
Birdie is so beautiful. Her legs are so long - I've never noticed that before! How long was she?
I am so sorry for this grief that you are in.
What a heartbreaking photo. I'm so sorry.
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