No Sugar, No Spice & Everything Is Not Nice
Just wanted to blow off some steam here about the impending holiday that is about to drop here in the U.S. (HA! that's a laugh!, "United.States" my ass! Our government doesn't even recognize most of the constitution anymore, no instead they STOMP on it!).
Anyways, I am incredibly bitter this holiday season for the most obvious reason, my baby is dead. Yes, my first born child will not be around this holiday season to grace you with her living and breathing presence. Nor will you be able to giggle and goo over her beautiful face and strong baby body. Nope, sorry everyone. I am going to sit this one out. I am going to contemplate totally upon my daughter this year. It is my right as a grieving mum to do so, and so I shall.
I just cannot stomach being around too many. It doesn't feel like the right thing for me to do, and I am just not ready for it. If I did throw myself out into public view this holiday might be pretty nasty. I would not be a nice person to be around, I would only be angry, bitter and futile.
Matty on the other hand is willing to go ahead with seeing a big group of family. Perhaps he is a bit more brave than I. I want to be there for him, to support him through it....but I would be forcing myself to be out in public. I just don't want to and I just won't.
Stubborn and selfish as this all sounds, I don't give a shit. I'm sorry I just don't.
Its too much to needlessly to put my fragile self through. Too much. There is not enough to be thankful for this year. The most important person to feel thankful for is dead.
So, to the holiday season of 2007, I raise up my middle finger to you and say.....FUCK OFF!
10 comments:
I understand. I am in the dumps myself.
I wish you a peaceful week.
I concur.
I'm so sorry for your loss...
This is so completely understandable. You have to do the right thing for YOU, no matter what that means to everyone else. If people really want to see you, they can make arrangements to do so one on one after the holidays.
I'll be thinking of you.
It is a great mantra...."Fuck off" That is ....I also like the mantra "don't let the man get you down." I think I heard it on a movie once. Do what you need to do ....People will understand. And if they don't, then refer them to above mantra.....
I'm right there too. It's not our thanksgiving (it was a month ago, for some reason), but I'll join you in the big middle finger salute to the world anyway.
I'm into the avoiding the holiday season thing too. I simply cannot bear it.
That was me last Thanksgiving too. I cried the whole time. And Christmas... no tree, no presents, nothing. I felt like some kind of droid or robot as everyone rushed around in their "holiday cheer". I'm thinking about you, Matty, and Birdie.
BTW.. My DH is named Matthew and he goes by Matty but NEVER Matt.
Stubborn and selfish are okay right now. Self protection and preservation are how I like to think of it. And yet, I have to admit, it makes me incredibly sad to think that your family time can't be a shelter for your grief.
It is sad that family time can't be my shelter. The problem is that I cannot get my own family to talk about her, or know that I can talk about her. Again, this is mostly my own mum being the reason.
By the way. I wrote her a letter, asking her to be and letter her know I need her to be "there for me" in not so many words.
She responded, she doesn't talk to me about Birdie because she doesn't agree with what "I think" happened the night that Birdie died.
She is grieving and dealing with this "by herself".
So, no my mother is not able to be there for me.
Its so hard then to fully reach out the DH's family.....because it doesn't feel fair for me to. I want to be able to talk with my own family openly and honestly.
Wow, this holiday season really sucks a big fat one. This year really sucks a big fat one.
oh...and look i got my period...WOOOOOHOOOO! WTF!
Don't do anything you don't want to do. If people don't understand (lucky them)...too bad. You have been through more than enough. Someday, when you feel ready to be around lots of people, you will.
Post a Comment