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Our little road trip was nice. Part of our travels (the most important part) was to head to Pennsylvania to see a very close college friend of mine. I had not seen her since Birdies baby shower. Seeing this dear friend, being able to talk to her, share photos of Birdie and her story was so important. I feel like there is only so much I can try to express to those I am close to over the phone. My dear friend was so eager to hear what happened...she listened so calmy, delicately and lovingly. I am so blessed to be able to call her a friend. It was just so good to talk and show her the photos (though we ran out of time to share all of the ones we had brought). We were only with her for a day and a half, and are planning another trip to see her again soon.
I hate that so many of my close women friends live so far away. Those that have known me since college and after are the women I am closest too. There is one former friend, one who I was friends with since middle school that has fallen away. She has not been there for me and lied to me about why she did not come to see us in the weeks following Birdies death.....so I have to let her go as my friend. (there are many other instances that have also led to this decision)
Anyway, we had a really good time in Pennsylvania and it was sad to leave. L if your reading this.....I miss you very much already and can't wait to see you again and knit together on our next visit! Your a true friend, a true, kind and caring friend and I love you. Thank you for listening to us talk about Birdie and looking at her photos, it means so much that you can be so open to our grief.
I only wish that more people could be open to our grief, willing to speak about our little bird....it breaks my heart that many we know have been so closed. It seems that there isn't much that I can do about that and that breaks my heart to. Though I feel that I am strong enough now to speak out about this to those I am talking about. Sadly, my Mum is one of those people. She used to call me all the time when I was pregnant to see how I was, and how Birdie was. Now, she does not call, and when I see her does not talk about or mention Birdie. I know that its hard for some people, they think that they will make me sad or us sad. However, is it really hard to call me and ask, "How are you doing?" or "I have been thinking about Birdie today and I wanted to call and tell you so." or "Today I saw many birds in the yard and I thought of Birdie and you and wanted to tell you so."
Saying something is so much better than saying nothing. I am not afraid to speak my daughters name, so why is anyone else?
7 comments:
It's so hard to see how many people seem unable to cope with someone else's grief. It's even harder to understand.
Very often people don't know how to talk about death, especially the death of a child. It is so contrary to the way it should be. Children should outlive their parents. Grandchildren should definatly outlive grandmothers. Your mother may have unresolved issues relating to this death that make it difficult for her to talk about it. Birdie becomes the horse on the dining room table.
Just my 2 cents, as a mom and an omie (grandmother), I think you should call your mother and read that last paragraph to her, or send her a letter and include it.
I don't know, Erin. I know how painful it is to lose friends or become alienated from family over their reactions - why should any person be able to inflict more pain and sadness on us than is already there? Losing Birdie was horrible enough, but you've done so much to celebrate her, I hate to think of anyone who ought to be supportive compromising that. But, I'm thankful that L is in your life.
I'm echoing Beruiah in that I'm glad L is in your life. She sounds like a wonderful person.
And Erin, we're always here to talk about Birdie with you. She is such a beautiful angel and will NOT be forgotten. As long as you'll talk, we'll listen, especially about your sweet girl.
Your mom experienced a loss, too . . . she lost her beautiful grandbaby. Everyone grieves in their own way, I suppose. Your mom probably just wants you to be all better and doesn't know how to help. I miscarried four times and my mom didn't really confess the depths of her own grief until after my daughter was born.
Tell your mom how you feel - she doesn't know unless you tell her.
I agree with alabaster mom, and want to add: You mother is hurting because you are hurting. I'll never forget my mom and how strong she was for me after Gabriel, but also how much she grieved not just for her loss but because I was so fundamentally hurt. In addition to losing her grandchild, your mom couldn't protect you from this experience. That has to be difficult for her. I know it was for my mom.
Also, families are different. Whereas (with the notable exception of my husband's sister) my in-laws seldom if ever mention Gabriel, my parents have tried to memoralize him with DearDR and me. They've sent flowers on the anniversary of his death, and the Mother's Day after I lost him. My mom and my sister even saw an angel bracelet one day while they were shopping, and gave it to me on the third anniversary of our loss.
It is hard to talk about grief. Good luck. And don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. You don't "just get over it", ever.
Blessings,
rpm
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