I Just Feel So Tired...
Its the 3rd of the month. Matty is in Vermont playing a show with his band, and here I sit on the couch with cuddly little Macy pants watching Muppets Take Manhattan (a favorite movie of mine since I was a kid).
Today was a shit day let me tell you. The weather here was cold, windy and a little rainy here and there. Even with the weather being so yuck I still took Macy for a nice hour or so walk. I really like walking with her for so long, it gives me a lot of time to think. We have a couple of different "walk" routes, one of them goes right by the hospital where Birdie was born. For months now I have only walked by on one side of the hospital. Yesterday I took a slightly different route and walked by the hospital and it gave me a clear view of the floor where the birth center is located. When I noticed I started to cry and I didn't give a flying fuck who saw me crying.
Today I took Macy for 2, hour or so walks...and walked by that hospital with hope in my heart, and memories of Birdie when we had her with us. I don't know why it has been so easy for me to walk by and drive by the hospital. Matty can't do it, he still cannot drive by there. My MIL won't even drive on the main road that connects to the street the the hospital is on. Often when I walk by there (which is 2-3 times a week), I hope to see a nurse that was there when everything happened, anyone who cared for Birdie and us. I just want them to see me and stop their car and say hello, ask how I am doing. This never happens, and I know it won't. Today I got the idea in my head that it might be time for me to actually stop in there, to the birth center. I have been thinking this for a while, but only now do I think I could actually go through with it. I just think its something I need to do, to add another layer of healing upon my wound. I know that Matty is not ready for anything like that, and that is fine, but I think I need to go ahead with it.
What a strange, strange reality we live. I feel like I live in a universe so seperate from other people (who have not had a loss). Its still hard for me to really fit in, and keep my patience with people. Today I nearly lost my temper with this guy at a camera shop I went into (I needed someone to look at my camera, as I thought something was broken). The guy looks at my camera, tells me blah blah blah....and is super snooty with what he is saying, total smart ass to me! So I say, "look, you don't have to be a jerk". So he says, either its this or that....and I was just like, "nevermind", I grabbed up my camera, put the lens back on it and walked out of the store. I was so on the verge of just swearing at him, he was such a fucking asshole! Now I know why I never go to that place!
After that adventure, I stopped at the local whole foods to get some ingredients to make a spinach and chic pea curry (recipe from Vegan With A Vengeance, its delicious!). I couldn't find a parking space, and then someone stole the one I was going to park in...and that was it I lost it and just started balling...as I was driving. Birdie was just all in my mind, in my body and just everywhere and in an instant everything came crashing in on me.....and I was reminded of how she was not in the car with me, in her car seat, she was not in the grocery store with me in her sling close to my body as she could be, I cannot feel her warm breath on my skin, nor can I hear her coos as I shop for my groceries and nurse her to keep her calm and content.
No, she is not here with me. She is not here with me right now sleeping on my chest. With Macy sweetly sleeping beside her and every once and a while kissing her little sisters hand, or feet. No, little Birdie is not here with me as I sit on the couch, and think about her father playing music, and how sweet of him to come home and gently kiss his daughters cheek and sweetly push her hair out of her face as she sleeps. No, that is not the reality I live in. No its not. My reality is sitting here typing these words and sobbing. My reality is to cry when I think so hard about my little baby that my heart just bursts and gushes love...and there is no baby to give that love to. My reality is a quiet house, where no baby cries, or coos. My reality is an ever looming sadness, next to sparks of the happy person I once was. I hate this altered state of being and living. I hate it that people cannot just look at me and know that I am a MAMA! I just look like I did before I got pregnant...even my pooty, smoochy baby pouch is pretty much gone now, along with all of the weight I had put on (around 70 pounds). So, no, nobody knows that I actually was ever pregnant or that I have a baby, who died. I have been considering adopting mourning customs that are practiced in other countries....I just haven't decided on which one yet. I am mourning, I am mourning so very fiercely and I want people to know.
Wow I feel so fucking far away from her.....from my baby girl. 8 months, is a long time to not see someone you love. Its a really fucking long time. I have never loved someone as much as I love Birdie, never! Its such a long time since we saw her, and we can't ever see her again...wow. Damnit. I don't know what else to say. I hate my reality, I have never missed anyone as much as I miss Birdie...I wish I had magical powers and that I could have saved her life. If I had somehow unknowingly accepted that she is dead, tonight I shake my head in disbelief.
Oh, and where have all those people gone that came to Birdies wake, and her celebration of life ceremony? Where have all those supportive people gone? Why does it seem like everyone has moved on with their lives, don't they know they can't just do that? Why doesn't anyone send us cards anymore....."Hi, I know that it had been 8 months since your little Birdie passed.....I am thinking of you all and wanted to tell you so." Why haven't we gotten any cards like that? Why don't my own parents who are so loving, call on the 3rd of the month to say "hi, I know today is the 3rd, and I was thinking about Birdie so I wanted to call and tell you so." Why can't my own mother talk with me about my grief, why can't she tell me she is thinking about her granddaughter....WHY? I didn't notice until recently how unavailable my mom is to me. It's really hard for me to accept that, but I guess that is just how it is. There is a whole long story about that, but I don't want to get into that on this blog.
So, I carry on....
I am really fucking sad today, tonight. That's really the whole point of this post. Its the 3rd of the month, and I am really, really sad.
12 comments:
I am so sorry Erin. I think of you and Birdie often, I have not experienced the loss of a child but I am drawn to your blog for some reason and check in on you often. I wish your family would let you know how much they think of and love Birdie too, I'm sure they do, its just so hard to talk about for some people. Warm thoughts tonight. For you, for Matty and for sweet Birdie.
We are here, we are available, we are listening. *hugs*
Those other people think of Birdie too, they just think they are doing you a favor by not talking about her to you. They think it helps you to heal by forgetting about her. They don't understand that they should celebrate her existence and by doing that you create a way for her to be with you always. That is how one heals. That's why I love my support group gals (and guys) because they get it. They are the only people who would dare ask if Andy looked like Jimmy. We in the loss blog community are here for you. Every step of the way we are here. We think of your family often. Birdie is not gone to us. We are mothers of children too and it hurts so bad when people don't acknowledge it. I'm thinking about you.
See, I knew there was a reason I liked you - I love Muppets Take Manhattan, too! I own all of the Mupppets movies and I bought them long before my daughter came along.
I have no doubt that your friends and family remember Birdie and think of her (and you) daily. Over time, people forget specific dates but it doesn't mean that they've forgotten your baby girl. People aren't good about dates. I've been married 10 years and my mother never remembers the date of my wedding anniversary. If you need something more from those close to you, you may have to tell them. "Listen, I know you want me to move on, but I can't. I need you to be here for me."
Sending lots of love your way.
Know that I will always check in and will never forget you or your family.
Love and peace,
Nessa
Monica is right. Sometimes I feel like the only people I can relate to are my blog friends. 4 close friends from IRL read and they also seem to understand, or at least they try very hard.
I think of Birdie and you often, and hate that we share the 3rd of the month. I can remember how devastated I felt when I found your blog; it hurt so much to think of your suffering just two months after I lost my Natan. Your love for Birdie is beautiful - I so wish she were here with you.
The silence in the house is so, so hard.
I think often your your Gift, your Biride. I included her in a line I wrote on my recent blog post. She is there, always. You are there, always. In my heart, two people who I've never met in this realm. But perhaps we all hung out and cavorted on the stars in another realm?
You ARE a Mama! You will always be.
And you are allowed to be sad. Someday, the sadness won't hurt quite as deeply, but you will always miss your sweet Birdie.
Love to you,
xoxo
still here, erin, still listening, still caring.
(((Erin))).
I think these days of utter sorrow and pain will always be there, just that they will get less frequent.
After one year, the 29th of the month stopped making me so sad and started becoming one of the other days. Other people stopped doing that a long time ago. It's how it would be if Birdie was still physically here with you.
Even on V's birthday we only got a few cards (but this time I knew from whom to expect them and from whom not to expect anything at all and I wasn't so disappointed and hurt).
Thinking of you and of Birdie.
Everyone grieves in their own unique way. My guess is that the people close to you are fearful of stirring your heart too much. And, too, for them the loss is not as direct as it is for you. Putting it behind and moving forward as quickly as possible has become a way of life for a lot of us. If I die, my husband gets a whopping 3 days paid. 3 days to mourn the loss of a life partner? We've joked about it, but I think it's kinda sick, really. Three days is not even enough to make arrangements, but there it is in writing that 3 days should be enough.
I think we're losing respect for death, and for life.
Hi Honey,
I don't know about the rest of the family, but I'm ALWAYS checking your blog. I'm always thinking of you, and I share your story often with the people in my life. I share it to help them see that not all things in life are certain, and to appreciate everything our children throw our way...good or bad. I wanted so desperately to come to Birdies wake and Life Celebration ceremony, but your dad (and me) felt that it would be too hard for you to see Hannah. I hated not being there to hug you, but in a way I felt so unworthy to be there. I have NO clue what you do to get through your day! I can't even begin to imagine how I would be. I've wanted to call so many times, but I don't want to call when Hannah is awake and who will inevitably be happy babbling in the background. I just didn't want to do that to you, I didn't want to be that inconsiderate. I figured that if you ever felt like you wanted to talk, that you'd call me, or get in touch so we could get together. It's not that I have forgotten, it's just that I don't want to say or act the wrong way. This horrible thing happened to you and I can't explain it, and I haven't lived through it, and so I feel a bit stupid to think that anything I say or do would really make a difference. I love you, with all my heart, and I love your Birdie and I wish I had been able to meet her. I'm amazed at how far you've come and that you still live out each day, I think I would have just given up.
Love and Hugs,
Meg
I am delurking (because I have lurked around far too long) and I want you to know that I think of you and your beautiful daughter often.
I am so sorry that this is all so hard.
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