I remember L taking this photo at the baby shower...now that I look at it. My mum so giddy and a little tipsy talking right into my belly, right to Birdie. My sweet mum, so proud and so excited for me to be pregnant, for her to be a grandmother "finally."L, if you are reading this...thank you so much for this photo. Like I said to you this past weekend, we will take all the images we can get. They are all so very important. Though they might make us sad, they are also vital for our memories of having her with us when she was still safe within my womb. L, this photo is a gift. Thank you.
I feel like I let her down, and maybe that is part of why we don't talk much anymore. Some of you have said that I should tell her how I feel. I want to but you don't know my mother. She is so stubborn and so ultra sensitive at the same time. Its really hard to talk to her, or tell her much of anything. As a teenager it was so hard for me to talk to her because she always got mad at me much of the time, or seemed annoyed at me. There were plenty of times that she was loving and warm, but she can be super moody and very hard to talk to about anything. Its frustrating.
When I was pregnant, it was so easy to talk to her....we were both so eager to share things with each other. Now, we have reverted. I think that I will try to reach out to her again this week, as I will probably see her on Wednesday my Papa's birthday. I hate feeling like this, like I'm back in high school, like I screwed up and I am walking on egg shells until I can get it right. Maybe I am over reacting, maybe not. All I know is how much that photo says about the both of us. My Mum and me, we were both so giddy over Birdie, so happy, excited to meet her. I hope to find even a smidge of that giddy person that I was...and I wish that for her to. When I do get pregnant again, I don't want to be fearful all the time, I will be how I was with Birdie. Thankful every millisecond, ever moment all the time. I need to be that way, for me, for baby, for Matty and for our families. We need to have hope, we just need to.
We need to bring hope to our families...especially our Mum's.....so that they can both talk to my belly (and the baby within) again with love and giddy laughter again.
*fyi if you are wondering if i am preggers....no, i am not.
10 comments:
Oh my goodness...that photo just takes my breath away.
R and I are here... almost every single day. I feel like I don't want to intrude with my words... because I can't even imagine.
R, feels bad, because she is pregnant (Whoops on their part! I get to mock her now, two bottles of wine with your husband will do that to you sweetie!).
After losing two babies (yes, she has had two still births. Cause was finally addressed with her last babe), she is finding it hard to even think of the end of this journey. She hopes to have her computer back up and running soon. She stopped after the police returned hers... un assisted birth is cause for losing all your dignity and privacy apparently. =(
But that photo.
Oh my goodness. Had to pipe up.
Sent a friend to see your artwork.
Single sentance message on my answering machine.
The entire world needs to see this.
That is such a beautiful picture of you, your mom, and your sweet Birdie.
And I am hoping and praying for you that pregnancy comes easily and happily and healthily, whenever you all are ready to try.
What a truly joyous moment caught in that photo, in your face!
What a beautiful reminder of how much love Birdie brought to this world. Happy thoughts and bright blessings.
I remember the first time my dad looked at Tuckerman. It was the first time he got to see something of himself. My dad never had anybody that he could call his own, nobody that looked like him, nobody that sounded like him, no mannerisms. But I guess you know that feeling as well. I think your mom really wanted you to have that feeling. To be able to see something of yourself. I know my dad loved me, and your mom loved you...but words can't explain what it is like to feel your own flesh and blood. When I think of our family, it makes me giggle a bit. How different we are, and how none of us are really even related. Maybe I can be light hearted because I have always known my mom, I don't know. I just think your mom really wanted you to have that peace, and when it didn't happen...well she was broken hearted. Not so much for herself, but for you. Can you imagine never having the feeling of a life growing inside of you? Your mom never knew that feeling, so she was living it through you. Nana was too! You didn't let anyone down, they were just so sad for you...because you came so close and yet you still ended up with a broken heart and sadness and pain beyond belief. I really just don't think she knows how to deal with it...maybe that makes you stronger then her. Honestly Erin, she has NO idea what it must be like to carry such a precious life inside of you for 9 months, and feel that baby move within you, and to have that love for that baby the instant you knew you were pregnant...and then to lose her. She just has no idea what that feeling is, so she has no idea how to be there and help you through something she's never had. I'm sure it must be frustrating for you, but it's who she is. I'm just rambling now, that's just my opinion on why your mom might be acting the way she is.
I can see Birdie's beauty and magic in that photo. What a treasure.
You look gorgeous and ripe and full of love.
You have come so far in your grief-journey. What insights you hold, and the love of Birdie always.
Love,
xoxo
What a beautiful photo. I felt like one of the additional sadnesses of my loss was the guilt of depriving my mother of being a grandparent. Which makes no sense and which she would be totally horrified over if I ever told her, but so many of these feelings don't make sense.
I love that beautiful belly and huge smile.
I do think now is the time to gather your family around you. Take comfort in one another and I think it will help everything move along.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I only have a few pictures of when I was pregnant with our twins - we lost one of them at almost 38 weeks - and they are just so precious to me.
That picture IS a gift. You look so happy, and your mom does too. And right there in your warm belly, your beautiful Birdie. It's a beautiful photo photo showing three generations.
this pictures makes we want to be pregnant again.
Lot at the joy in your eyes!
...
the mother daughter relationship is very complicated. I remember reading that it is hard for them to watch because they have not only lost a grandchild, but feel helpless because they cannot ease our pain.
*hugs* when are you guys thinking of TTC? I feel like the only one that is waiting so long.
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