Thank you so much for all of your lovely, caring and supportive comments. Knowing that you are reading my words, and that you have seen our movement through the darkness, into the fog and at times back again means so much. You all, our family of bloggers who know what this is like....you have reached out to us so many times and I love you for the friendship you have shown. It sounds strange to say to that to so many who we have never met (and I hope someday to meet you all). We are all connected by our beautiful babies.
I wanted to share today that I feel another wave of transition (what a word to use! i was somewhat close to transition in my labor with Birdie when her heart rate dropped) coming on....and I am embracing this transition with everything that I have got. Yet again our grief is moving into another place, the clouds, the tears are subsiding just a little bit more. I am feeling like a happier person (at least today I am!) and we all know that can change in an instant. The sun is shining, and hope is here. Hope is really, really here and we are embracing that hope together.
Once again I am in disbelief that 8 months have slipped by...really a short amount of time in a "normal" lifetime. However to us to us (the not so normal anymore), it is strangely long. Just like I felt that I was pregnant with Birdie for a long time, I did not rush being pregnant with her. I was so careful to celebrate each precious day we had her, and I had her in my womb.
Perhaps my body knew what was to come. Oh how I miss her in my belly..and oh how I am longing, once again to hold another in that same way. I can't believe that I can say such a thing, but its only the truth, the honest, raw truth.
8 comments:
I remember how unreal it was for DearDR and me to talk about having another baby. About six months after we lost Gabriel, I was ready. DearDR was hesitant -- he really wasn't ready. And then three months later, I was pregnant again with Monkey.
Take your time and take care. the sense of unreality ebbs and flows, just like your grief. And even when you hold that new, living baby in your arms -- and you will -- Birdie will always be with you. Gabriel, sometimes I even think of him as Gabe, which would be his nickname if he were here, is in my thoughts and heart every day.
rpm
Sometimes a new life is the best way to celebrate and remember the life that was lost. When my best friend's father (no comparison between loss of parent and loss of child, just point of reference) died she and her husband started TTC right away. She's had two miscarriages since, but now will not give up.
I got pregnant with Meg shortly after a pretty heinous miscarriage. It felt amazingly right. Scary often, but very right.
*hugs* I am so sorry I just caught up on reading your blog today.
do you ever wonder how do people do this? how do you live as a mother, without a child?
I know it is strange, but I keep thinking about animals , like birds and how the mother must feel when the baby falls out of the nest. Most fly, but what of the one who doesn't? and falls to its death? what of that? how must the mama bird feel? does she grieve?
thinking of you.....
I love this post, it is so beautiful and full of emotion and, dare I say it... HOPE! You are doing so well. You are such an example for me that things can and will continue to improve.
I can read some hope in these words too. I'm so glad that you are feeling it and that the two of you are embracing it together.
I like the part where you say that we are all connected by our beautiful babies. I'm gonna think on that one.
I think it's only natural to want another baby. And, of course, it's not that you want to replace Birdie or that you don't love or miss her. After all, you might well have wanted a little brother or sister for your family even if things had turned out differently.
When I found out I was pregnant again, I broke down with grief almost as raw as the early weeks after losing my daughter. I wanted Melanie, and the new life inside felt like a betrayal of my baby. But as the tears faded, I slowly realized it was the first time I'd felt any hope for the future since she died.
To dare to open your heart again after having it shattered is nothing less than a testament to the depth of your love for Birdie.
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