Birdie Love In Milwuakee

It's been so wonderful to see all of our good friends here in Milwaukee. Most of whom we have not seen in 2 years, most of whom we have not seen in the days and months that have passed us by since Birdie died. Though many of them know for the most part what happened on the early morning of her silent birth, there are details that can only be told orally. Yesterday I told the story with a huge open heart to one of our dear friends as it felt so important to tell her and she was very open to listen. Somehow I told the details and no tears came. She listened and asked questions. Though it's so hard to really express sometimes just how raw, just how gut wrenching...how utterly smashed and wripped apart we were and still are to people. It's so hard to convey that we are not exactly who we once were, though I know there are those who see it, others may not. We are still so broken from what we experienced, we will always be.

So, it was good to share in person with this dear sweet friend the details. At the same time it was hard for me at first to see her. She is a new mama you see with a beautiful living, breathing babe of 7 months. Her little love is just heavenly to gaze upon, with skin as soft as Birdie's was. Though I loved to hear about her experience of mamahood, the trials she experienced with breastfeeding, it ached and pinged at my heart a little. I wish that it didn't have to be this way, I wish I could share stories of nursing our little angel to sleep, her sleeping patterns, lack of sleeping...everything that we should have been able to experience. I feel like a Mama, but then I am missing all the good parts. I am not able to nurture my child and watch her grow. Yes, I gave birth to my child, I gave birth to her and I was asleep when I did so. She was born without a single breathe, without a chance...she was there and she was silent, not a billow of air would fill her sweet little lungs. She would never have the chance to nurse from my awaiting breasts that soon would fill with milk. No, she would only lay upon my chest, heavy with silence and stillness. Her beauty would only be blessed upon us for 3 days (and then remembered in pictures).

And the milk...the milk did come in, though I did (and was encouraged to) dry it up immediately. For days I drank sage tea, bound my breasts with cold cabbage leaves and waited for it to dissapate, I dared my breasts to spill forth that milk. My body did not, my body gave in and the milk dissapated. For days I used nursing pads in my bra after the cold cabbage had done its duty. The creamy yellowish dried droplets of milk would form and dry next to my breast, and at night I would remove the pads to see.

Then, here I am now. 23 weeks pregnant with a child that we hope will become our new little miracle, born alive and crying, alive a breathing, alive with a heartbeat and that sweet newborn smell. I'm still handling the pregnancy well so far, it is helping to feel the baby moving. I am starting to notice some patterns of movement, that to is a little re-assuring...as I near when I start my kick counting.

For today I am so very thankful for this little Bunny, I am thankful for every kick and punch. I can only hope that this baby makes it, that we get to hear the cries we have longed to hear.