absent minded of Birdie.
I cried myself to sleep last night with my arms embracing and cuddling my sweet little Holdyn. I cried before I slept because I had forgotten to honor and remember someone very special to me on Christmas...Birdie.
WHAT THE FUCK!
How could I allow myself to become so lost and forget to even buy her a little gift? How could I allow everyone else to remain silent about her absence and not remember that she was missing from our celebration? How soon people forget. But SHIT, what the fuck is MY problem. I did nothing what so ever to honor my sweet little angel baby. I am reeling over this, I can't forgive myself for this one.
18 comments:
Oh hun, I hope you find a way to be more gentle with yourself. I know Birdie would not only want that but also that she knows very well how loved she is by you and how much she is and always will be part of you, your heart and your family.
you included her name on your christmas mail out erin, you were so honouring her. you don't need to spend money or buy gifts to honour her. you do that every moment of every day by the way you love and mother Holdyn. You are an equally wonderful mother to both your children.
now I HATE people telling me to be kind to myself, but I'm going to tell you now - be kind to yourself erin. you are always honouring sweet birdie xo
Birdie is never far from your heart even if there are moments where you may be focused on other things. Hell, you've got a newborn. When my daughter was born there were some days I was barely coherent at all. I remember one time I went downstairs to feed the cat and start a load of laundry. I opened the washer lid and tossed the scoop of cat food right in.
Birdie knows that you honor her every day, in lots of ways.
The time has come, Erin, to let Birdie sleep in peace. Life goes on. Let her be a gentle memory, not an overwhelming prescence in your current life.
Too much grief is a bad thing. Think of all you have to be thankful for. So that we don't waste the current moment, we are designed to let grief fade. Call it God's mercy, if you will.
Birdie will retreat more into the background as Holdyn, and his brothers and sisters to come, will encompass your attention. This is the way it should be.
I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. Try to stop beating yourself up so much.
There is nothing to forgive...but I understand.
The love you have in your heart for Birdie is the way you honor her.
forgive yourself, the alternative is no life for you, or your family.
I've been back and forth with myself now about what to do for my Delia. When we got our christmas tree I took a clipping and put it on her grave, but that didn't feel like enough. I haven't done anything else, but I don't think there is anything to do. I wish I knew what to say. hopefully it will help for me to say I know your pain, truley and intimately, I know it.
You and Birdie are together in memory every day, that is what's important. I think possibly as time goes on there may be less special things done but we never lose their memory ever. You did not do wrong by Birdie.... you love her as much as any mother would and then some. You are a wonderful mommy to Birdie and your Holdyn.
When I was about 8 years old one of my good friends, Mary would invite me over her house. She would tell me stories of her older sister who was born still-born. I never really understood why her sister, whom she never met or had a relationship with, was such an overpowering presence in their household. I found out that her mother never moved on after that tragic experience and poor Mary missed out on a full life. After several attempts at suicide, my friend Mary finally succeeded at age 13. She wanted to feel as important to her mother as her sister was.
In my opinion, by 'forgetting to remember Birdie' is not a horrible thing, it is a normal thing because you are truly a wonderful, balanced mother. I can only imagine how much pain you are in, but by reading your blog lately, I see what an awesome mom you are.
I've been thinking about this and your post on and off since yesterday. I know you must feel badly, but I really think that you haven't forgotten, you have simply melded your heartache and love for Birdie into your everyday life. You honor her everyday whether it is with a gift or a word or just by being her beautiful mother.
I think Birdie gave you your Christmas as a gift. To you, her daddy, and her brother. She wanted you all to enjoy your day and she was there in spirit. That is my belief.
Try to be gentle with yourself.
Oh, I'm sorry. We all have these moments, and they are shocking. But you did, as someone above pointed out, remember Birdie in your wonderful email out to us. Sometimes I think it's a reminder of how our babes have surpassed us in the cycle of life--we get caught up in the mundane details of living, and are so very mortal and fallible.
Be gentle with yourself. Even if Birdie is not always in the front of your mind, we know she is still as you've said, "intertwined" with your hearts and souls.
Erin,
why not buy a beautiful Bird ornament every christmas?? as each Christmas passes your tree will be overwhelmed with Birds. She'll be covering the tree and it will be hard for you to "forget" your little Birdie when you look at it.
I disagree. I don't think you have to let your birdie sleep in peace and be just a memory. But you definitely do NOT need to feel guilty.
She is your daughter, and always will be. So move forward from here, and next christmas go buy a beautiful bird ornament and hang it on your tree in celebration of your daughter and the impact she has on everybody's lives.
This website is a constant declaration of your love for both of your children. In life there are some days when one child seems to get more attention than the other child. Sometimes, that day falls on a holiday. Since holidays and guilt go together like cake and ice cream, it seems awful, awful, awful. But of course you didn't forget her. She was there, in the twinkling of the Christmas lights and the swirl of snow through the air. She was helping to create that warm glow in your heart. Our children are not just the receivers of our love and nurturance - they give to us as well. Perhaps Birdie's gift to you this year was a Christmas where you were completely present in the moment and tied around your little man's finger. What a sweet, generous little girl you have.
I love, and second, the sentiment that you are a walking example of love to your children, both of them. And I too think that Belt's last comment about being totally present in your holiday is a gift, a real and true gift.
I hope you find some peace around this... and quickly!
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
I don't always agree with the sentiments in this poem but I don't know, your post made me think of it.
(((hugs)))
You know, the suggestion to buy or make a bird ornament for your Christmas tree each year sounds really nice. I think it's an excellent idea!
Sending you ((((((hugs))))))....
You will find the right way, for your family, to integrate Birdie into your holiday celebrations. It may take a few years, it did for us. But you will figure it out.
Post a Comment