Sweetest little bird, tiny little baby. You are always in my thoughts, and you have begun to make your way into my dreams. Perhaps you have been there for some time, but only now am I able to remember parts of my dreams...and you are there. You are there, but not always in your baby body. I have dreamt about telling people how you died, much like I do when I am not asleep and dreaming, but feel like I am. Like this life I live now is a surreal dream, and you are not dead. I think of you so often my sweet Birdie...but there have been times in this week that I went a few moments without a thought of you. That is something that I have begun to feel guilty about. It seems strange to be able to get to a place like that, and so soon after you have been gone. How could I not still be consumed by my thoughts of you every single second of the day? It seems as if I am moving to another place in my grief, and I understand that to be ok. One thing that has not wavered is my absolute devotion and love for you. Its so amazing and beautiful to love someone as much as I love you. I also find my love for you brings me closer to your Papa...and deeper in love with him. That is something I did not know I could feel, but I do. You have brought us this love, and I have no other words for the feeling it brings. The love I feel for you and your Papa is much like travelling to a new place, an awe inspiring place...a most magnificent place where there are no words to describe its beauty and how it makes you feel. It makes me sad to think that you will never get to see those kinds of places, you will never get to be inspired by the natural beauty that exists in this world. Or maybe you will, maybe your little spirit is right here with me and Papa...maybe you are sitting on my shoulder and you are not just living and growing in my heart.

I love you so much sweetest Birdie.

Love, Mama

What a weekend it was.....and it WAS without Birdie

Its so absolutely tragic she was not with us this weekend, and I cried many times this weekend. I do think that her spirit was with us, I felt her very strongly on sunday. Yes, this was the weekend I had become scared of, the weekend of the wedding that M.att and I were supposed to be in. I had changed my mind last week, feeling terrified of walking down the aisle...something our Birdie will never be able to do. I just felt so hurt so destroyed over that thought. Its so unfair she can never have that experience, and so unfair that we can never watch her walk down the aisle. Our beautiful Birdie will never be a bride to be. Simply a tragic fact of her non-existant life. We did have a nice day on sunday, early on in the day we had a lovely walk around Walden Pond, something we both had always wanted to do. Both of us would have rather had done this with Birdie....we walked around the whole pond anyways.

Later on we had to get to the wedding location. We got there and I started feeling pretty anxious about being in the wedding, and feeling so nerved up about the whole experience. Somehow after getting dressed and then helping the bride for a little while I started to think about actually going through with "walking down the aisle", and doing it for Birdie, walking down the aisle holding M.att.s hand for Birdie. In the end that is what we did, we had the experience for her. It was so strange to go ahead and do that, but we did. We did it for our beautiful daughter. I was completely spaced out the whole ceremony, and not long after it began there were birds singing loudly in the many trees that surrounded the ceremony location. That is all I paid attention to pretty much the whole time. I just kept looking up at the trees trying to find the birds. Then I would catch Matt looking at me and we just stared at each other. So, it was not as hard as I had imagined, but it still hurt like hell to go through with it.

The other thing that I had felt anxious about was seeing so many family members. There were many of them there, M.att.s family is pretty huge. I had the fear that there would not be any acknowledement of Birdie, and for the most part I was right. I mean, I did not want that to be the topic of conversation as we were at a wedding. However, just a mention of Birdie....how people were missing her, or thinking of her, ANYTHING! There were those that did say lovely, very caring and sweet things to us, and that is what I needed and I am pretty sure M.att needed to hear. She is still our child, even though her body was not there with us. It bugs me that people don't know what to say....or that they just dont say anything, it just does.

I have not been posting as much because I have been busy with my job....busy getting a raise...and now being the woman who is pretty much learning to run "the show". I still feel the need to post here, and to stay in touch with all of you...and to think of my Birdie and write to her here.

I am just trying to figure my life out after all of this shit. Trying to get through my days of ovulation that are making themselves known like they never have before....and trying to stop having consuming thoughts of pregnancy. All of which is so damn hard. My body and mind want to be pregnant, that is the honest truth.

I do have to say though, at least today...I feel the sting of her death a little bit less, and I wonder if that is ok? I wonder if I am not thinking of her every single second of the day....am I forgeting her somehow? I feel so guilty when I have days like that, and I have had a few. Am I being a bad mama to her if I can have these moments? Or am I moving into another realm of my grief? Has anyone else felt something like this?

Birdie, I missed you so much this weekend. I had had so many warm thoughts of having you so close to me at this family wedding. I had planned to have my dress altered to be able to nurse you, I planned to hold you during the ceremony....and we planned to dance with you and walk with you and love you and oh so much more. Were you there with us? Was it you who made the birds call out in song during the ceremony? I felt such a hurtful ache for you...such a drawn out longing to hear you crying at the wedding. I think I felt the presence of your spirit....you, my darling the sweet little innocent baby who used to move joyfully and rambunkciously in my belly.

We miss you sweet girl. We still feel the full force of your love, and our love for you and each other.
Love, Mama

Birdie Always An Our Minds

2 months 2 weeks and 2 days.

That is how old Birdie would be today if she were here. As these months keeping on passing us by, I am starting to feel more and more awful. In the last few days I have realized that I sometimes feel like I was never pregnant with Birdie, that I never had a baby. I had such a great labor, that went suddenly so wrong. I had an innocence about such a natural process of life, that is now destroyed. I won no prize, she was taken from my womb in such an unnatural manner. I keep coming back to the days leading up to my labor, things started on thursday and then dissipated, so we went on with our day. The middle of the night (friday) they started up again....and then that was it, I was in labor. How intense and yet beautiful my labor was up until.

Now here I am with a hurting, sinking feeling in my body.

Now here I am wanting so badly to be pregnant again. I know that a lot of this feeling is from my want for Birdie, that makes perfect sense to me. It seems that everyday this feeling grows a little stronger. Its especially hard around this time of the month because it was around this time that we conceived Birdie, and we did not know we had. Birdie was not planned, she just came to us on a beautiful May evening last year. I remember when I first knew, it was in June, I had missed my period by a few days...which was not normal. I got 3 pregnancy tests, I did 2 right away in disbelief that they were +, and another the next morning. I did not tell Matt, I was so excited I was bursting to tell him, but I waited. I waited till the night before fathers day. I remember the lovely look on my Matthews face when he opened the container that held the pregnancy tests. He immediately began to tear up. There was such pure love there, pure joy, excitement and anxiety...he was not sure he could be a father. Oh, my darling what a wonderful father you are to our Birdie.

I long for a moment like that again, but it won't be filled with the same emotions...it will be filled with happiness and worry.

Or will it? Will we be able to get to a place of being happy for a subsequent pregnancy, and not feel terrified for what could happen again? I am taking strength in the many families we met last weekend at the Mothers Day Walk. All of whom have had a loss and found the strength and courage to try again. Many of them now hold in their arms beautiful live babies. These families inspire me and give me much needed hope.

Birdie, we love you so much. We wish we could have you here. Where are you?

Something to share...
Mama Amia...thank you for sending this to us on Mamas Day.
Little Bird, Little Bird

Elizabeth Mitchell has always been a favorite musician of mine. Matt and I bought her "You Are my Flower" album when I discovered it one day looking for music for babies and little children. I used to listen to that album in my car all the time over and over singing it to Birdie when I knew she could hear me. She was so cute..she would move and kick me when I sang those songs to her. Well, now we have this album that that song link is from "You Are My Little Bird". It's so sweet...makes me cry!

Oh Birdie...I Love You....you are my little bird.

Mama and Baby

Mothers Day...oh boy was that a day. We went to a special Mothers Day walk for mamas who have lost a baby.... The walk was organized by a truely amazing mama & papa. I felt so blessed to have become aquainted with this mama, who is also mama to a stillbirth daughter. She reached out to me within days of hearing about Birdie. I feel so blessed to know her, and inspired by her strength and hope.

Most of our family joined us on the walk, which was good, though I know it was hard on some of them. For me the walk realy gave me hope for the future, as there were SO MANY families who had had a loss that were there with their beautiful susequent babies and toddlers. It was not as hard for me to see these children because I knew how they came to be...and I knew that the parents of the children did not take these babies for granted, not in the slightest. I immediately connected with one mommy in particular who had her gorgeous twins there with her and her husband....she was simply radiant in her continued grief for her baby who was not with them in life, and in her deepest love for her brand new babies, her first born and her husband. We held each other as we walked, with one of her twins in tow....I touched her babies finger and could feel the lovely innocent energy from the child to my heart and my memories of touching Birdies fingers. What sweet sweet finger Birdie had....I love to look at pictures of her and stare at her fingers....really all of her. Birdie is so lovely.

So, Mamas day was ok. It was hard, but it felt SO good and so important to have taken part in the walk to remember our babies. It felt comforting to be surrounded by so many others who have also been in the exact place we are. Though, I would not havce wished to have been surrounded by so many....I would have wished these people to not have known such a loss. I had a really REALLY bad day yesterday, for so many reasons. I just cannot understand why people have been so cruel. They truly don't know me, us or our situation.

Today was not so bad, me and Macy went for a just about 2 hour walk, as it was so beautious outside and not too warm yet. I was going to go to Bikram Yoga today but my period cramps were pretty yuck. Oh, yeah for those who care...I got my 2nd period after my emergency-c. I guess it is a good sign my body is getting a little more normalized...I feel like it is. My mind is another story!

BIRDIE I LOVE YOU!

Moving on...back into the endless love for out girl, our Biride.

I am pushing that storm behind me.

This is a sacred space where nothing but love emenates, love for Birdie and for each other. I never knew that I could love this deeply, I loved deeply before, but nothing like this.....Birdie you have brought us such a special, sacred and beautiful love.

You are such a special baby.

I LOVE YOU BIRDIE!

Love, Mama

I am going to lose it over this.

ENOUGH!

If you want to read my blog, you will have to have a password.
I cannot handle this, I am on such shakey ground already. I cannot believe that this wench has done this to me. This was meant to be a nice blog, a peaceful place for me and the memories of being pregnant with Birdie. This woman has destroyed this for me, absolutely squashed this for me. I am done with this shit, just so done with it. I cannot even have a public blog now. I cannot trust that people can be polite or sensitive to me, a GRIEVING mother, this is all TOO FRESH and I cannot deal with the evil of this woman and people like her. I cannot believe that I have to make my blog private. What a fucking bitch! Thank you stupid Dr. Amy for bringing me right back to square one of my grieving. You get the grade of L- for the year! Yes that's right Loser-. I hope that you are happy with the hurt you have caused me, I just wanted an open forum for OTHER GRIEVING PARENTS! Not for OB Political Junkies like yourself.

I hope that you have to face what I am someday. Then you will know what it means to feel REAL GRIEF. REALLY RAW, IN YOUR FACE GRIEF!

You are a disgrace to the OB field and to womankind.

I'm done with this, done.

*Ladies, fellow Mama's (you know who you are) if you want to access the blog send me your email address.

She has posted my blog link with MY FULL NAME, so I want to post her info(BUT I WON'T SINK THAT LOW),she has destroyed my life even more with furthering HER POLITICAL cause with the DEATH OF MY BABY from MY attempted homebirth

Dr.Amy I don't want you to slander me or my baby's memory anymore, REMOVE THE LINK PLEASE! Dr. Amy you didn't realize that you have actually posted my info on your blog, anyone can find me, just as I found her (if you want to contact her let me know). I am serious about her removing the link to this blog, this is no joke, my blog is a memorium, a sacred place where other mama's can come and read, and maybe take something from as I try to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. I don't appreciate her posting a link to me on her blog, furthering her Dr. Amy political cause.

Others have been succesfull with stopping harrassment against them on their blogs (with the info of the trolls who have done it), I am fighting for this too!

Dr. Amy, REMOVE the link! You are a disgrace to your profession, you are a disgrace to womankind. I want my blog back, NOW!

You have done enough damage to me, you have proved yourself a horrible person and a disgrace to your "profession" enough is enough. I want you to REMOVE THE LINK!


"You may not post information such as other people's passwords, usernames, phone numbers, addresses and e-mail addresses unless already publicly accessible on the Web."

p.s. HER INFO IS AVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC ON THE INTERNET, I FOUND IT VIA A SIMPLE SEARCH!

PLEASE EMAIL THIS BITCH AND ASK HER TO REMOVE OUR BLOG FROM HER ANTI HOMEBIRTH SITE!!!!!

In the past day I have learned that this woman Dr. Amy Tuteur HER SITE decided that it was just fine to post our blog for Birdie on her stupid ass website. I am so upset, so sad and heartbroken that she has done this. She refuses to remove the link and I don't know what to do. This is absolutely rediculous. This blog used to be a lovely, quiet, peaceful place for me to write out my feelings and now it has been stomped on
and I am not strong enough to keep this up.

This woman doesn't agree she is disrespecting the memory of Birdie by her actions. Yes, this is the stupid internet, simple made up of 1'sssssss and 0'sssssss.
However this blog, our blog is not here for debate about what happened, nor is this a blog meant for people like her to post a link to to scare other women who might be considering homebirth. I still believe in homebirth for women and babies. I do. This was a rare thing that happened. This is a private matter that I have entrusted to you
other mommies out there. You have been so sweet and comforting. I need your help to save this blog, because I will remove it very soon if that troll of a doctor does not remove her link ASAP. I so desperately want to keep this memorium for Birdie alive and continue to share my grief, my love for her and my family with you all, but things are rediculously out of control and for no reason at all.

Her resonse to my email plead:

"Publishing a story on a blog is like publishing it in a newspaper.
Unless you password protect your blog, you cannot control who reads it
or discusses it.

I am very sorry for your terrible loss, and I am sorry that you think
that mentioning your public posting on my blog is disrespectful to her
memory. I believe that it is important for people contemplating
homebirth to understand what can really happen. I don't presume to
offer you advice, and that is why I did not post on your blog. As I
wrote in my original post, you can read what I and others write on my
blog or you can completely ignore it. It seems reasonable to expect
that people who write on your blog will offer only supportive
comments, but does not seem reasonable to expect that if you publicly
broadcast your story to millions of people around the world, no one
else is allowed to comment on it."

Sincerely,

Amy Tuteur

Her email: dramy5@aol.com


She's so sincere...don't ya think?
erin, Birdie's Mama......posted on Mothers Day, May 13th 2007

Luvin My Baby, Luvin My Man

Just wanted to post a lovely photo of my beautiful baby girl, and her beautiful papa.


Tommarrow is Matt's birthday. I hope for him to have a lovely quiet day at home with me and our memories of Birdie.

All I can hear out my windows are the songs of many, many birds....I cannot help but think they are reflections of Birdie, and her love.

Today, I am BURSTING with love for sweet Birdie and my sweet Matthew.

It is calm here now.


Birdie & Papa(Matt), I love you both so much...I am so blessed to have you both in my life.

Dear Anonymous Commenter that left a comment @ 11:11 am on Friday, today May 11th

Please just leave me and my husband and the memory of our child alone. You have no right to say this:

"I'm sorry for your loss. But I'm afraid that there's every chance that if you were labouring in the hospital your child would be alive and fine now.

Fetal bradycardia happens every day on a busy labour ward. It's one of the true emergencies we see. In roughly 2/3 cases the heart recovers just prior to the C section. In the other 1/3 it doesn't, and you need to get the baby out fast. In my time I've delivered probably about 100 babies safely like this, with one dead and one brain damaged (both were out within 10 minutes). So you see time does matter. The extra 10 minutes you took to get to hospital would have made all the difference (you might live 3 minutes away but you didn't take 3 minutes to transfer - I can guarantee that).

Fetal bradycardia is the main reason that doctors don't like homebirth. It's not uncommon. Like shoulder dystocia or cord prolapse, your baby is screwed without medical intervention STRAIGHT AWAY.

I know that deep down you know your choices were for the worse here. You're obviously a deeply caring person, but your rejection of "the man" has led you down a blind alley. Best of luck for the future, but PLEASE don't repeat your mistakes as others here are encouraging you to do with their platitudes."

Look fucker, all you had to say to me were the first 5 words that you wrote: "I'm sorry for your loss". That is it! You DID NOT need to continue with anymore of what you did write. We have been through enough, so just put your pride away. We are not against medical intervention, and I never claimed to be. I do not need to justify myself, or decisions to you or anyone else. My baby is DEAD, ok? She is DEAD and nothing that any of us say or do is going to revive her ashes, GOT THAT? Yeah, maybe it is my fault, don't you think that I have visited that place? Don't you think I go there in my mind EVERY fucking day? I said that enough of these kinds of comments to me and my family is enough, AND I FUCKING MEAN IT! So anyone else who wants to make nasty or judgemental comments just go somewhere else, how about commenting on some political blog about the fucking president and all the people HE HAS killed, how about you just go and do that. Leave ME, MY HUSBAND and THE MEMORY OF OUR BABY ALONE! We don't need your distasteful and negative energy here.

Enough of That, Now Its Time To MEME!

Thank you dearest Sara for the tag! I must say I was not in the "know" about this meme-ing, but I will give it a go!

I am full of love.

I am full of hurt.

I am full of ANGER!

I am sad.


I am hopeful for the future.

I am having a hard time.

I am wanting to be pregnant.

I am ALWAYS thinking of my BIRDIE!


I am so deeply in love with my husband.

I am so fortunate to have him in my life.

I am happy for the beautiful daughter we made...together.

I am going to give him the gift of another beautiful baby someday.


I am hoping for a healthy subsequent pregnancy.

I am crazy for thinking this so soon?

I am all over the place with my thoughts.


I am thankful for all of you women out there who have given such strong support. Please know how special I believe you are, I carry you with me always. I hope someday to perhaps organize a way for us all to come together in person...

I am full of hope for all of us to get through our tough times...we WILL get through this, WE have to.


I tag,Clare,Bleu and Laura

TWO MORE COMMENTS FROM HER!

"The decision to have a home birth in the US is NOT MADE WITH THE APPROVAL OF ANY REPUTABLE MEDICAL AUTHORITY but by those women with anti-medical political agendas. OK, have a home birth--but know you are playing Russian Roulette with your life, and the life of your baby. You cannot be forced to give birth in a hospital; there are no laws mandating hospital birth, just as you can choose to drink bleach. In just about every state there are no laws about home schooling--but it doesn't mean your homeschooled child is educated.
You might be interested in today's blog entry in NHSBlogDoctor."

Posted by Antigonos to Vegetarian Mom with A Vegan Baby on da Way at 4:16 AM

"You want to talk about EVIL? Choosing a method of birth that puts a baby at undue risk is EVIL. You can flame me all you like--ANYONE WHO CHOOSES TO AVOID MEDICALLY ACCEPTABLE PRACTICES ON BEHALF OF A HELPLESS PERSON IS GUILTY OF MANSLAUGHTER.

Of course babies die in hospital! But not for "unknown" reasons.

As for my being a horrible midwife, who "instills fear" into her patients, well, the wall full of commendations from my mothers (some of whom are second generation patients now) belies that accusation. Also the fact that never once has a patient either sued me, or even complained about my care.

Thank you, Erin, for publicizing my email address. Another totally irresponsible act on your part."

Her Response to Her Madness Towards Me

"No, I don't want you to kill yourself, heaven forbid.

I want you to make RESPONSIBLE decisions about childbearing, beginning with
eating a NORMAL diet in pregnancy, and giving birth where medical
intervention IF IT IS REQUIRED, is seconds, not minutes or hours, away.

I am sorry it took the death of your baby to show you this, but childbirth
isn't a game, and it doesn't matter if you have a happy, positive "birth
experience", it matters that both you and your baby are SAFE. The reality
is that both you and the baby are at considerable risk during labor and
birth, no matter how uncomplicated. And in labor and birth, when
complications do arise, they arise with extreme rapidity and often without
prior warning.

Over 40 years of maternity work I have seen dozens of birth gimmicks and
fads come and go. I've seen medical theories come and go. I've done home
births, but only within the framework of a country set up for them--a
country with full medical backup available at an instant's notice. That
country is not the US."

Sarah Meir, CNM
Certified Nurse Midwife
Women's Health Center, Kupat Cholim Meuchedet
Jerusalem
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Again I say, WHAT THE FUCK MAN!
What is her problem.....has she done this to anyone else? Anyone reading my blog?

I cannot believe this, did this woman actually write this to me?

Talk about guilty, this woman points at me point blank! Now I cannot help but feel the full responsibilty of Birdie's death. I did make the wrong choice. I killed my baby???????????????

UPDATE!
Holy snaps, I just cannot believe this woman, I have been thinking about what she said to me and about me and I just cannot believe her! How can anyone be so awful, absolutely raunchy to me especially after what has happened! She is such a TROLL (as some of you have stated!) What a perfect word/thing for her to be characterized as. Simply awful. I feel sorry for her, truely I do. I hope she can find some peace for herself someday. Thank you to all you lovely and supportive women/mamas out there in internet land. Your are so special, I hope maybe someday somehow we can all have a big tea party together!

Here is the comment that is bringing me to this dark place, it's totally unbelievable:

"WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO HER, AND WHY AFTER TAKING SUCH GREAT CARE OF HER WHILE SHE WAS IN MY WOMB DID SHE HAVE TO DIE.

She died because you chose to have her born in a way that maximized every possible risk--by having a home birth. You should feel guilty--you as well as killed her. So stop whining now. If you had been on intermittent fetal monitoring in a hospital, where a C/S was literally 5 minutes away, the drop in heart beat would have been discovered much sooner, and the delay in getting Birdie born much shorter and the possibility of a successful resuscitation much higher.

There are no "normal" births, full stop. There are births with complications and births without complications and it is impossible to predict before the birth which it will be. But to turn your back on modern science in order to have a romantic "birth experience" at the cost of your child is inexcusable. You are MUCH more than a "little" responsible.

I am a certified nurse midwife with 40 years experience. Home birth, except where there is FULL MEDICAL AND SURGICAL backup, as in the UK and Holland, where the Flying Squad comes to the home with the ability to do a C/S on the spot, within minutes of being called, IS DANGEROUS."

What the Fuck man! Ok, Antigonos then why then is it ok to make the choice to have homebirth at all in the US at all? Or, why doesn't the US have the same protocol for homebirth as the UK and Holland? Lets talk about this bullshit man.....why don't YOU HELP US MIDWIVES TO HAVE THE SAME THINGS THAT YOU DO? Why don't you fight for this? Yeah fight for it here in the US so you can stop blaming people like me! This is still so fresh and you are so horrible!

Here is her fucking email: sarahm@actcom.co.il

I cannot fucking believe this. What the FUCK!

Silence on this blog.


Hey there. Is anyone still out there? Where have I been? I don't know, here and there wasting time and trying to keep myself busy. The weather here has been really nice this past week, and so I have been trying to be outside as much as possible. Being able to be outside so much has been very therapeutic for me. Hearing the birds sing and just letting the sunlight soak into my skin and into my brain is a little healing, just a little bit. I am continuing to work out at the gym very regularly and that feels really good to me as well. I so desperately want to lose this extra weight. In a few weeks I am in a family wedding, and as I have said before I DON'T want to look pregnant. I wonder if it will be hard for people to see me and Matt stand up in this wedding. I hope that we are not too distracting. I feel that it is going to be really hard for me to hold it together, because well it is so hard to hold it together everyday! I don't like to hold my emotions in anyways. It is going to be a bittersweet walk down that aisle, even though I have already done so to marry my sweetheart. When I see him standing there (he is in the wedding too) so many memories are going to rush to me. So many memories, especially the memory of learning I was pregnant with my beautiful husband's baby...9 months after our wedding. I guess I am a little scared to be in this wedding. This wedding was supposed to be a happy time, we were going to be attending and standing up in it with our little baby. I had to order the dress I am wearing WAY TOO BIG for me, because I was so pregnant when I ordered it, and wanted to be assured that my boobs would fit in it. So, I ordered the thing, a size 18. I was going to have the straps specially re-sewn with clips to allow me to nurse Birdie at the wedding. All these dreams are shattered, how am I not going to think of all of this when I am up there and I am supposed to be happy for my dear friends getting married, I am terrified that I am going to ruin it for them! How the hell am I going to not breakdown and cry my eyes out.

As the days are getting closer to Mothers Day, I am just so sad... so fucking sad. As the days push away from March 3, 2007 I am just so MAD, I am so fucking ANGRY! I am so angry at the events surrounding the death of our little Birdie. I am so angry that she could not have been saved! With all the technology that we ended up having to take part in, why could she not have lived? Our little baby, our sweet little baby girl, dammit I want her here with me right fucking now! I want my little beautiful baby girl, my baby GIRL! We had a baby GIRL! A little person of my own flesh and blood who looks like me, she is dead DEAD! I cannot believe my life is what it is right now, and my arms are empty and my breasts are empty, and my heart is so FULL, SO FULL OF LOVE for a little baby who is dead. My life fucking sucks! I am so thankful for my Matty, but this little baby that we made, we created...the most beautiful artwork we have ever made, our Birdie. We made a baby and she is breathtakingly beautiful and she was taken from us before we could feel the warmth of her skin, before we could hear her cries of life, before we could look into her gorgeous eyes and her into ours and know she was safe.

Can someone please take us back in time and make this all better, please make this nightmare go away and bring our baby back to life. Why hasn't anyone done this? Why did our little girl have to die? I am so sick of thinking that I will see a sign of her somewhere, that's just bullshit. She is dead, and she can't tell us she is ok. She is just dead, she a dead little BABY! I am the mother of the most beautiful baby and she is dead, that makes no sense. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO HER, AND WHY AFTER TAKING SUCH GREAT CARE OF HER WHILE SHE WAS IN MY WOMB DID SHE HAVE TO DIE. I have said this before, but NO GOD would take a little baby from her parents, there is something else, something else, some other reason she died. I want to know why, somebody tell me the reason (and don't say because god.....). I am SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW! I want our little Birdie back, and I want her NOW!

Please don't tell me that there must be a reason she died, no reason is good enough for me. It just comes down to, OUR BABY DIED! She died and nobody, not even medical technology and genetic testing on my placenta can tell us why. My placenta that nobody would let us have after all that we went through at the hospital, my placenta became hospital property! I am still appalled at this, it was my placenta and it connected me and MY baby. MY placenta nourished my sweet little baby with the healthiest foods, and I couldn't get it back!

So, I should have gotten my period my now. I did get it back last month, and I was so surprised to, but it felt healthy and so good to have it back....to have my reproductive system cleansing itself and renewing itself. However, this month I have not had my period yet (although I had cramps last week), and I know that I am not pregnant (trust me - I know, hint. e.p..t) No I am not pregnant, but oh how I am longing for the fall months to come...to hit that 9 month since surgery mark. Has anyone had this experience of your period being funny? I feel that it is probably fine, but I know that some of you who have had a c-section might be able to put my mind at ease.

I am going to stop now. Know that really I am ok, I just feel so broken, so down and I am so hurt. All of this is not for me but for Birdie. I feel all this for her, a sweet innocent little baby that should not have had to die. No reason, NO explanation is good enough. I cannot help but feel a little bit responsible, she was in my body and I should have known she was not ok. I just should have know. (please don't tell me not to blame myself). I have to feel a little bit of blame for her death, just a little bit...I know I am not fully responsible, but just a little bit.