Hey there. Is anyone still out there? Where have I been? I don't know, here and there wasting time and trying to keep myself busy. The weather here has been really nice this past week, and so I have been trying to be outside as much as possible. Being able to be outside so much has been very therapeutic for me. Hearing the birds sing and just letting the sunlight soak into my skin and into my brain is a little healing, just a little bit. I am continuing to work out at the gym very regularly and that feels really good to me as well. I so desperately want to lose this extra weight. In a few weeks I am in a family wedding, and as I have said before I DON'T want to look pregnant. I wonder if it will be hard for people to see me and Matt stand up in this wedding. I hope that we are not too distracting. I feel that it is going to be really hard for me to hold it together, because well it is so hard to hold it together everyday! I don't like to hold my emotions in anyways. It is going to be a bittersweet walk down that aisle, even though I have already done so to marry my sweetheart. When I see him standing there (he is in the wedding too) so many memories are going to rush to me. So many memories, especially the memory of learning I was pregnant with my beautiful husband's baby...9 months after our wedding. I guess I am a little scared to be in this wedding. This wedding was supposed to be a happy time, we were going to be attending and standing up in it with our little baby. I had to order the dress I am wearing WAY TOO BIG for me, because I was so pregnant when I ordered it, and wanted to be assured that my boobs would fit in it. So, I ordered the thing, a size 18. I was going to have the straps specially re-sewn with clips to allow me to nurse Birdie at the wedding. All these dreams are shattered, how am I not going to think of all of this when I am up there and I am supposed to be happy for my dear friends getting married, I am terrified that I am going to ruin it for them! How the hell am I going to not breakdown and cry my eyes out.
As the days are getting closer to Mothers Day, I am just so sad... so fucking sad. As the days push away from March 3, 2007 I am just so MAD, I am so fucking ANGRY! I am so angry at the events surrounding the death of our little Birdie. I am so angry that she could not have been saved! With all the technology that we ended up having to take part in, why could she not have lived? Our little baby, our sweet little baby girl, dammit I want her here with me right fucking now! I want my little beautiful baby girl, my baby GIRL! We had a baby GIRL! A little person of my own flesh and blood who looks like me, she is dead DEAD! I cannot believe my life is what it is right now, and my arms are empty and my breasts are empty, and my heart is so FULL, SO FULL OF LOVE for a little baby who is dead. My life fucking sucks! I am so thankful for my Matty, but this little baby that we made, we created...the most beautiful artwork we have ever made, our Birdie. We made a baby and she is breathtakingly beautiful and she was taken from us before we could feel the warmth of her skin, before we could hear her cries of life, before we could look into her gorgeous eyes and her into ours and know she was safe.
Can someone please take us back in time and make this all better, please make this nightmare go away and bring our baby back to life. Why hasn't anyone done this? Why did our little girl have to die? I am so sick of thinking that I will see a sign of her somewhere, that's just bullshit. She is dead, and she can't tell us she is ok. She is just dead, she a dead little BABY! I am the mother of the most beautiful baby and she is dead, that makes no sense. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO HER, AND WHY AFTER TAKING SUCH GREAT CARE OF HER WHILE SHE WAS IN MY WOMB DID SHE HAVE TO DIE. I have said this before, but NO GOD would take a little baby from her parents, there is something else, something else, some other reason she died. I want to know why, somebody tell me the reason (and don't say because god.....). I am SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW! I want our little Birdie back, and I want her NOW!
Please don't tell me that there must be a reason she died, no reason is good enough for me. It just comes down to, OUR BABY DIED! She died and nobody, not even medical technology and genetic testing on my placenta can tell us why. My placenta that nobody would let us have after all that we went through at the hospital, my placenta became hospital property! I am still appalled at this, it was my placenta and it connected me and MY baby. MY placenta nourished my sweet little baby with the healthiest foods, and I couldn't get it back!
So, I should have gotten my period my now. I did get it back last month, and I was so surprised to, but it felt healthy and so good to have it back....to have my reproductive system cleansing itself and renewing itself. However, this month I have not had my period yet (although I had cramps last week), and I know that I am not pregnant (trust me - I know, hint. e.p..t) No I am not pregnant, but oh how I am longing for the fall months to come...to hit that 9 month since surgery mark. Has anyone had this experience of your period being funny? I feel that it is probably fine, but I know that some of you who have had a c-section might be able to put my mind at ease.
I am going to stop now. Know that really I am ok, I just feel so broken, so down and I am so hurt. All of this is not for me but for Birdie. I feel all this for her, a sweet innocent little baby that should not have had to die. No reason, NO explanation is good enough. I cannot help but feel a little bit responsible, she was in my body and I should have known she was not ok. I just should have know. (please don't tell me not to blame myself). I have to feel a little bit of blame for her death, just a little bit...I know I am not fully responsible, but just a little bit.
23 comments:
You're absolutely right...it sucks. I'm sorry I have no answers...just understanding. {{{hugs}}}
You are right. No explanation is good enough. Nothing could possibly justify the death of an innocent baby. And you are right, God is not in the business of taking the lives of babies in order to teach us some cosmic lesson. I don't believe that for a minute.
Birdie's death is such a horrible, tragic accident. What kind of accident? I don't know. But horrible and tragic just the same.
I am so sorry that you are having to bear this pain. It's horrible... I know.
Erin, even if I knew a reason why Birdie died I'm sure I wouldn't think it a good enough reason to justify her not being here with you. There is no damn fairness in this.
I didn't have a c-section, but the periods I had were frustratingly difficult and weirdly timed. My sister has had 3 c-sections and her period was out of whack for 6 months with each. But she still ovulated, because she became pregnant again 7 months after the first c-section. I only say that to give you hope that it will be possible in the fall even though your body is struggling now.
I can so feel your pain in this post. I wish I could make the fall come sooner, I really really do. I'm so glad you're preparing yourself healthfully for pregnancy again.
The wedding will be difficult, but I so admire you for going through with it, and hope the day brings you some happiness.
I was going to have the straps specially re-sewn with clips to allow me to nurse Birdie at the wedding.
Of all the details in your post, for some reason this one most tugged at my heartstrings. It is so sad to lose our hopes and dreams.
Erin,
Do you have to be a part of this wedding party? Could you just be a regular guest? Maybe that would help and I know everyone would understand.
It might be a little easier on you.
Are you seeing a counsellor to help you through all of this? That might help too.
So many people understand your pain, but don't understand how it can happen. It is not fair.
I am sorry you have to go through this.
Still thinking of you and checking back every day to read your posts...
I understand...I delivered my twins at 23 weeks so I wasn't fortunate to carry as long as you. I cannot imagine. I've felt every one of your emotions. I'm so sorry.
I still am checking on you everyday. When days go by that there are no new posts I worry about you. Nothing about this is explainable...it's just a terrible tragedy. My heart breaks for you both. May you find some comfort knowing that many strangers have you in our thoughts on a daily basis. Take Care of yourselves and take it one day at a time.
A Caring Canadian
sending you so much love.
still, it doesn't feel like enough.
Your story sounds somewhat similar to mine. My son was fine when I went into labor and then his heartrate started dropping and i ended up with an emergency c-section. He was 40 weeks and perfectly healthy, they did do cpr and put him on machines but it was too late. I've never gotten any answers as to what happened and it still makes me really angry. Like you I also can't understand with all the technology available why my perfectly healthy son ended up dead. Anyways, I just wanted you to know i understand and that i'm sorry for your loss. -Anne
WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO HER, AND WHY AFTER TAKING SUCH GREAT CARE OF HER WHILE SHE WAS IN MY WOMB DID SHE HAVE TO DIE.
She died because you chose to have her born in a way that maximized every possible risk--by having a home birth. You should feel guilty--you as well as killed her. So stop whining now. If you had been on intermittent fetal monitoring in a hospital, where a C/S was literally 5 minutes away, the drop in heart beat would have been discovered much sooner, and the delay in getting Birdie born much shorter and the possibility of a successful resuscitation much higher.
There are no "normal" births, full stop. There are births with complications and births without complications and it is impossible to predict before the birth which it will be. But to turn your back on modern science in order to have a romantic "birth experience" at the cost of your child is inexcusable. You are MUCH more than a "little" responsible.
I am a certified nurse midwife with 40 years experience. Home birth, except where there is FULL MEDICAL AND SURGICAL backup, as in the UK and Holland, where the Flying Squad comes to the home with the ability to do a C/S on the spot, within minutes of being called, IS DANGEROUS.
antigonos- I am horrified you would leave such a heartless comment on the personal blog of a grieving mother. Even if you believe all of that to be true, why would you find it appropriate to share that viewpoint to a mother who has lost her child?
I don't care what your credentials are. You missed some critical lessons on tact, grace, empathy and compassion. You are a disgrace to your profession.
Erin- ignore and delete her comment immediately.
I just found your blog. You are my sister, in a sorority that no one wants to belong to, we both had babies born still. I lost my Alexa 23 months ago tomorrow. Your posts take me back & tears flow freely. I had had all those emotions that you are feeling right now. I also had planned a home birth that was not meant to be & ended up with a c-sec. They also held my placenta and we never go it. I just want you to know you are not alone. Your emotions are normal. The pain does not sting as much as it did then. I can finally breathe again without thinking & you will to, eventually. Be gentle on yourself. Feel your pain, release it & let it go. If you would like, I invite you to my blog. Email me at debstmomy at yahoo dot com & I will link you. Birdie is a beautiful baby girl! She is so loved by you & Matt. She is lucky to have you as her Mama. Warmly, Cristina
Actually Erin, please leave it up for today so we can have proof of her blogger terms of service violation. Then delete it.
Antigonos,
If any of the crap you wrote in that comment was true, then babies would never be stillborn in hospitals and c-sections would always save lives.
In reality, babies are stillborn or die shortly after birth ALL THE TIME in hospitals. Not to mention the fact that midwives and homebirths are a proven safe way for women to give birth around the world. You think a Doctor can do a c-section in five minutes? Are you drunk? The fastest high-risk OBs have to prep patients, put them under and get in, never mind make sure an OR and a team are ready. You are living in Fantasyland if you think a homebirth was the cause of that child's death.
Blaming a grieving woman for her child's death is the lowest form of trolling, and a complete violation of your supposed "ethics" that you bray about on your blog. Shame on you, you are an embarassment to your profession.
I commented earlier and just wanted to add that I planned a hospital birth and they did fetal monitoring and my son still died. So it made no difference for me to be there.
Anne
Antigonos, you are really a very cruel person. Somewhere in your training you missed a very important and very Jewish concept of rachmones. There is really nothing else to say to you. T'fu.
Erin, I am so sorry. I am sorry you are hurting, and I am sorry a member of my "tribe" hurt you more. Rachmones is compassion, and is one of the key guiding principles of Jewish life.
There is no reason. No reason could ever be good enough. I am so sorry.
Antigonos: You say on your blog that you goal as a nurse is "to return the patient to health" and that "it is good nursing care which can actually be the determining factor in a patient's recovery." Which of those noble goals is served by your bizarre attacks on a suffering mother who has just lost her child? Moreover, no reputable medical professional would pretend she could diagnose someone over the internet. Clearly, you have no idea what actually happened in Erin's case.
I'm sure my words are wasted on someone like you, who obviously lacks even the most rudimentary empathy or concern for the well being of others. I pity your patients.
Erin: I hope you're not listening to the ravings of Antigonos. She obviously is a very troubled woman who knows absolutely nothing about you or your situation.
Erin,
I continue to simply honor you, honor the amazing life you brought forth and nurtured in your womb, and honor Birdie for all the silent messages she has brought us.
I honor your grieving, mourning, raw as can be journey. You are allowed every single emotion.
Know that so many people out here love you and your family and are offering all we can...love and support and "internet shoulders" to cry on.
Antigonos - I am utterly appalled at your insensitivity. I mean, disgusted. As a WOMAN, no less?!?! What happened to sisterhood? You have shamed yourself, shamed your heart of hearts. I can only hope you never have to hear these kind of hateful words muttered into your ear during a time of tragedy or loss in your life. May you only hear peace, encouragement, and love.
No credentials, statistics, rhetoric, or opinions should EVER come first over pure sympathy. Please look inside yourself and ask why you feel the need to exhibit such horrendous defensiveness and hate. I offer you hope for healing...but not as much as I offer our sweet Erin.
Birth is safe. Homebirth is safe. Woman and babies are wise. Sometimes they live, sometimes they die. It remains mysterious and we are not to judge.
Love to you, my Erin.
XOXO
Hi Erin,
I am a new reader to your blog, and I haven't read all the way back, but I wanted to say that I am so sorry for you and your family that Birdie died.
Rachael
Erin
I too am blown away as to the comments this horrible woman wrote. She is an abarassmnet of the human race. It's scarey to think that a nurse/midwife could have such a hatefull heart. I left a very nasty note on her blog site warning her readers about what she has done and have also forwarded her e-mail adress to the web masters. Hopefully they will block her from every visiting anyone elses site and leaving such hurtful posts. I am lighting a candle tonight not only for your dear sweet Biridie but for you and Matt also. Take care of yourselves. There are alot of people out here who care about you and know that you would never hurt your sweet little girls in any way. Shit just happens for no logical reason.
A Caring Canadian
I was directed here by my friend cristina (debestmomy above) and just wanted to voice my loving support. I'm so very sorry that you lost your sweet birdie. I'm sorry your homebirth went the way it did, ending in such tragedy. I believe that homebirth is the safest way to birth 99% of the time, and we all do the best we can (mine ended in a transfer and c-section, and a thankfully healthy baby). I'm sorry you were treated with such venom. Much love and healing, Korin
where the Flying Squad comes to the home with the ability to do a C/S on the spot,
what "flying squad"? what the hell? she's a joke. im sorry.
Erin, I just found your blog, and my heart goes out to you and hugs your and Matt's hearts. You have been through so much; you are so much stronger than you can realize right now. I am a birth doula, and I have attended beautiful and empowering homebirths. Please don't blame yourself and continue to trust in the birth process. My sweet daughter, also named Erin, died last year at the age of 29. She was a perfectly healthy and vibrant person whose heart just stopped beating. No one could save her even though she received immediate CPR. Who can say why these things happen? It's wonderful that you have photos to remember her beautiful face, and thank you for posting those here to share with us.
Hugs to you,
Sarah
I am so sorry to hear of your loss and I'm so sorry that some have taken it upon themselves to lecture you with their opinion at such a sensitive time.
I planned three homebirths with my children, two of them ended in transfer and section and the third was born at home. All three are healthy, happy children. I know how lucky I am to have that (as is any mother whose children are with them). However, I was not in the US and to be honest, if I were, I probably would have made arrangements to be elsewhere for the births where home birth is a much better supported option and you don't face abuse for exercising your right to choose.
I just wanted to comment on you saying about waiting 9 months from the surgery before trying to conceive again. You don't have to. My second child was conceived 5 months after my first section whilst fully breastfeeding. After about 3 months, your scar is as healed as it's ever likely to be and even though the risk of rupture is increased, we are talking a tiny 0.something of a per cent of a small risk which all women face but they don't scare non-section mothers about (which increases dramatically with induction and funnily enough, the US has a poor track record for this).
Have a look at caesarean.org.uk for further information and science based research - you may well decide to take that time to heal and grieve anyway, but I just wanted you to know that you have more options than you might have realised.
Once again, my condolences for your loss.
Sophie
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