Birdie Always An Our Minds

2 months 2 weeks and 2 days.

That is how old Birdie would be today if she were here. As these months keeping on passing us by, I am starting to feel more and more awful. In the last few days I have realized that I sometimes feel like I was never pregnant with Birdie, that I never had a baby. I had such a great labor, that went suddenly so wrong. I had an innocence about such a natural process of life, that is now destroyed. I won no prize, she was taken from my womb in such an unnatural manner. I keep coming back to the days leading up to my labor, things started on thursday and then dissipated, so we went on with our day. The middle of the night (friday) they started up again....and then that was it, I was in labor. How intense and yet beautiful my labor was up until.

Now here I am with a hurting, sinking feeling in my body.

Now here I am wanting so badly to be pregnant again. I know that a lot of this feeling is from my want for Birdie, that makes perfect sense to me. It seems that everyday this feeling grows a little stronger. Its especially hard around this time of the month because it was around this time that we conceived Birdie, and we did not know we had. Birdie was not planned, she just came to us on a beautiful May evening last year. I remember when I first knew, it was in June, I had missed my period by a few days...which was not normal. I got 3 pregnancy tests, I did 2 right away in disbelief that they were +, and another the next morning. I did not tell Matt, I was so excited I was bursting to tell him, but I waited. I waited till the night before fathers day. I remember the lovely look on my Matthews face when he opened the container that held the pregnancy tests. He immediately began to tear up. There was such pure love there, pure joy, excitement and anxiety...he was not sure he could be a father. Oh, my darling what a wonderful father you are to our Birdie.

I long for a moment like that again, but it won't be filled with the same emotions...it will be filled with happiness and worry.

Or will it? Will we be able to get to a place of being happy for a subsequent pregnancy, and not feel terrified for what could happen again? I am taking strength in the many families we met last weekend at the Mothers Day Walk. All of whom have had a loss and found the strength and courage to try again. Many of them now hold in their arms beautiful live babies. These families inspire me and give me much needed hope.

Birdie, we love you so much. We wish we could have you here. Where are you?