Dear Anonymous Commenter that left a comment @ 11:11 am on Friday, today May 11th
Please just leave me and my husband and the memory of our child alone. You have no right to say this:
"I'm sorry for your loss. But I'm afraid that there's every chance that if you were labouring in the hospital your child would be alive and fine now.
Fetal bradycardia happens every day on a busy labour ward. It's one of the true emergencies we see. In roughly 2/3 cases the heart recovers just prior to the C section. In the other 1/3 it doesn't, and you need to get the baby out fast. In my time I've delivered probably about 100 babies safely like this, with one dead and one brain damaged (both were out within 10 minutes). So you see time does matter. The extra 10 minutes you took to get to hospital would have made all the difference (you might live 3 minutes away but you didn't take 3 minutes to transfer - I can guarantee that).
Fetal bradycardia is the main reason that doctors don't like homebirth. It's not uncommon. Like shoulder dystocia or cord prolapse, your baby is screwed without medical intervention STRAIGHT AWAY.
I know that deep down you know your choices were for the worse here. You're obviously a deeply caring person, but your rejection of "the man" has led you down a blind alley. Best of luck for the future, but PLEASE don't repeat your mistakes as others here are encouraging you to do with their platitudes."
Look fucker, all you had to say to me were the first 5 words that you wrote: "I'm sorry for your loss". That is it! You DID NOT need to continue with anymore of what you did write. We have been through enough, so just put your pride away. We are not against medical intervention, and I never claimed to be. I do not need to justify myself, or decisions to you or anyone else. My baby is DEAD, ok? She is DEAD and nothing that any of us say or do is going to revive her ashes, GOT THAT? Yeah, maybe it is my fault, don't you think that I have visited that place? Don't you think I go there in my mind EVERY fucking day? I said that enough of these kinds of comments to me and my family is enough, AND I FUCKING MEAN IT! So anyone else who wants to make nasty or judgemental comments just go somewhere else, how about commenting on some political blog about the fucking president and all the people HE HAS killed, how about you just go and do that. Leave ME, MY HUSBAND and THE MEMORY OF OUR BABY ALONE! We don't need your distasteful and negative energy here.
23 comments:
Why do some people choose to be so hurtful!
Cas
You have my sincerest sympathies about the loss of your precious baby.
(((Hugs))) Erin and well said.
This is exactly the point I was trying to make on NHSBlogdoctor regarding Antigonos comments. I just cannot understand what these commenters are hoping to achieve apart from feeling erroneously superior. If they knew anything about the mind of any grieving mother they would know that she would always ask herself if something had been done differently would the outcome have been different. I have done it a thousand times. I have tried to change every parameter and wondered if something could have been different. I know you are too.
It has taken me many months to understand for myself that NO-ONE can tell me what might have happened had I done this that or the other. Maybe my son could have been saved. Maybe not. Much as we would like to see into these parallel futures, no-one can do it.
This is not the right place to debate the pros and cons of homebirth or Erin's choices. Got to a different forum if you want to do that. Not the blog of a grieving mother. Whatever her choices were or were not, what can she do about them now? Nothing. Nothing will bring dear, beloved Birdie back. What the hell is wrong with you people?
Erin, I am so sorry that you keep being attacked by these people who obviously lack any humane qualities about them. They are both in the medical field, a place where we are to be compassionate to our patients in every unique situation, even ones that that may not agree with. You need support and understanding in a time like this. PLEASE let what they say roll off of your back. You and Matt are amazing human beings and someday this pain will be behind you...always there but hopefully not as strong. Honor your daughter by talking about her and remembering her every day, as you already do. You are going to get through this. You have to believe that.
You are in my thoughts and prayers....
I want to say pretty much what Rosepetal already said. From what dark hole are these people crawling?
I so sincerely hope, Erin & Matt, that these people will stop and let this blog return to being the beautiful tribute to Birdie and your recovery.
(((BIG HUGS)))
Erin,
I am so sorry you are getting so much negative feedback. You are not to blame, no way, no how. Babies die all the time in a hospital as well. For all the "help" I have received from the medical establishment, I have said many times that next time, I might as well just not call them the whole nine months until the baby is actually here. Like another poster said, we all wish we had done things differently and are full of "what ifs". I am very sorry for the loss of your sweet Birdie. Please know there are hundreds of us mothers out here who know your pain and know you are not to blame.
Erin --
I'm so very sorry to read about the loss of your precious baby girl Birdie. I've been going back, reading earlier posts, and I have tears in my eyes.
She was a beautiful baby girl.
Sending you (((warm and loving hugs )))from a labor and delivery nurse who cares.
Hi, Erin.
I found you through Sage Femme. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you peace and strength.
When my baby boy died someone told me that God killed him because my husband and I weren't yet married, to punish us for our sin. Obviously that was a stupid heartless comment meant to sting, just like the comments you are getting. I don't know what the hell is wrong with people.
For those of you who were clearly raised by wolves and not mothers:
if you don't have anything nice to say SHUT THE HELL UP!"
Sounds like Dr. Amy Tutuer to me.
People like this do not even deserve a mention. What goes around, comes around.
Hugs to you from a stranger.
Dearest Erin and Matt,
I just caught up on your blog after having my internet down for a few days. I am so enraged right now that I can't even type much. I am so sorry that ignorant bitches out there chose to dump their stupid lives into yours.
I AM SO MAD THAT THEY TYPED THAT HERE, AT THE SITE, WHERE YOU TRUSTED ALL OF US, WITH YOUR THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, RAW EMOTIONS, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR JOURNEY TO HELL AND BACK, AND YOUR DEAR PRECIOUS PICTURES!
Tune that bitch out, don't remember one poison filled word she said. She doesn't deserve your time.
You are Birdies mom. You made the right decisions. YOU ARE HER MOM and there isn't more to say.
I love you and I'm so sorry for that fat old bitch.
Love,
Kim
Babies die in hospitals every day...mine almost did. you did NOTHING wrong by wanting to give your daughter a beautiful, peaceful, romantic, labor and birth. I know Birdie enjoyed her labor so much. So much more than if she were in a hospital hooked up to this and that. You are powerful, and so is she...and I know you gave her the beautiful, peaceful labor she wanted. 24 hours of pure bliss and family bonding. What a gift.
only the larger hospitals with 24 hour surgical staff in house can do a cesarean within 10mins - even then it's not likely done that fast.
erin, you are so loved. so is birdie. thank you over and over for sharing your story in such a public manner.
happy birth day to your man. he sounds like a beautiful, warm soul.
You're posting stuff in a public place, hence people can comment. If their opinion is different, well that's life. Close your comments or your blog. Don't shoot the messenger.
Looking back at your blog, there was lots of stuff in January about how vaccinations are very dangerous despite the hundreds of millions of deaths prevented worldwide, along with bigging up the homebirth stuff.
It's funny how people who dedicate their lives to saving babies and their moms who get into trouble are the "fuckers" isn't it?
What about the people who've influenced you into this disastrous course of action? Are they "fuckers"?
Listen up anonymous posters and other idiots who don’t know how to keep your mouths shut.
A very important lesson to learn in life is compassion for your fellow humans. This isn’t as complicated as it might seem and can be accomplished very simply by not kicking someone when they are down. That means when someone’s baby dies, regardless of what you think regarding the circumstances surrounding said death, you say, “I am sorry for your loss” then shut up.
If you really can’t shut up as seems true of many people posting here, take it up with someone who can defend themselves, mainly someone who is not trying to survive the grief of a dead child minute by minute. Many of us have posted our blogs (and hence email addresses). Leave someone else a comment. Take your negativity away from here and leave this poor family alone.
Hey. I had my baby at home WITH OUT A MIDWIFE! Oooooh. Yup, on purpose. I stayed home and told only my husband that the baby was coming. We soon woke our three young children and my 8-year-old son was the timekeeper. My 5 year old cut the cord. Now that is far more irresponsible than a woman who had prenatal care and an experienced midwifery team present, no? Please, flame me. Come on trolls, follow me to my blog and leave Erin alone!
They're not fuckers because they vaccinate children and deliver babies in a medical environment, they're fuckers because they tell a grieving mother that she's responsible for her daughter's death. That's a fucking rotten thing to do, no matter your politics or personal beliefs. And I truly do believe it comes down to a question of belief- because there are statistics and stories and data on either side of the case. Women have babies at home because they truly believe its the safest environment, or they don't vaccinate their children because they truly believe the risks are too great. We don't make these decisions lightly, we act in the best interest of our children. And even acting in their best interest, tragedies occur. So what's the point of trying to make someone feel worse? Erin isn't ranting at the medical establishment, she's ranting at the few people claiming to belong to it who are telling her horrible, terrible things.
Erin,
I am late to this because i don't read your blog on a regular basis but i just want to say that i am very very sorry that these trolls are putting you through this. I have not actually read most of the comments (just your responses) because i want to save a little of my sanity here. In fact that's why i generally don't read debates about home birth at all. For what it's worth, it is a subject that ought to be discussed -- but truly these people who are going out of their way to attack a grieving mommy are beyond the pale. And they are certainly doing their own cause little good, by being such a**holes...
I am very sorry your sweet Birdie died....she is such a beautiful baby.
Erin,
I'm so sorry these trolls keep attacking you, and as Innocent Observer said, let the trolls come do battle with me and others...I do it every day in politics, I have no problem taking these fuckers on for viciously attacking grieving parents.
But I do suspect they won't dare, because true bullies only attack the vulnerable, never the stronger members of society. It is the very definition of of a bully isn't it?
Anyway, Erin the one good thing that has come out of this is that I have been further inspired to continue my political fight to make grief and compassion training a mandatory part of medical and midwifery licensing. These nasty commmenters, both Doctors and midwives, have provided me with the proof I needed to force legislation.
In a perfect world, we shouldn't have to force humans to act like humans to each other, but sadly the world isn't perfect. I'm so sorry, and I'll keep your family in my heart as I continue my fight for grieving mothers everywhere.
XX
I'm sorry to read about your baby Birdie. Dr. Amy trolls the internet looking for stories such as yours for her "see? I told you so!" posts, which is how I found you. Be prepared for her team of anti-homebirth, anti-midwife trolls to follow. She has been positively foaming at the mouth for the opportunity to link you.
I don't believe you, your midwives, or the fact you planned a home birth had anything to do with your baby's death. You could've been a woman planning a hospital birth who walked in with a bradycardic baby. Then what do we say? It's very sad, is what we say.
Neonatal deaths are not caused by the plan to have a baby at home.
Peace to you and your family.
Erin,
I am so sorry that some women think that it's okay to make a grieving mother feel even more guilty about something that you had little to no control over. The fact remains that we (human beings) are not the authors of life. We don't decide when life starts or ends. It would too much for any of us to handle. Erin, I know you don't believe in God and I do pray for that every day. Please don't be offended or angered by that. You are my cousin, my family, my heart. I can't help but look at the world around me, and at my children who all grew within me for 9 months...and see the perfect harmony with which things operate, and not believe that there has to be something so much greater than I that created all of this beauty and perfectness. I can't tell you why Birdie was taken, I wish I could. What I can tell you, is that Birdie's death pricked my heart and I got a good dose of how precious life really is. I will NEVER take one breath that my children breathe for granted again. I will never shrug off one kiss or hug that I am given. I will never forget to check on my children before I crawl into bed. I will never miss an "I love you" before school again. I will never pretend that I don't mistakes. I will apologize to my kids when I do make mistakes.
I took so much for granted before your horrible tragedy. I have learned from her and you, and I know that I will/am not that only one that this has transformed.
I can promise you that God did not take Birdie as some horrible punishment for you. I hate that there are so-called Christians out there who love to attack people at their lowest points. It's just so sick! Even though Birdie is gone, God has sent you so many warm women to help you heal. I have read so many of these comments that have been left and they have just blessed my heart with their kindness to you. One thing I do know for sure, is that all of those horrible things that some posters have said are just the pawns of Satan making it harder for you to heal and to be ready to carry life within your blessed body again. When you have a new baby in your womb again, I have no doubt that your first born angel will be there to wrap her little sister/brother in loving wings and whisper wonderful things about her mommy and daddy.
I pray that I have not offened you in any way by this post. You are so loved, and I sincerely miss you.
All of my love,
Meagan
Erin, I just wanted to offer you support.
I wish you a gentle transition. There will always be people in the world that judge the choices of others.
It is hard and sad to wrap ones mind around the death of a baby.
Sweet mama please be careful with your blog. I see how many people are filled with hatred out there.
You were blessed to live with that beautiful baby on the inside. Sometimes that is all that some women get as hard as that is understand. But truley what a blessing.
She may have brought you a gift in her passing that you would not have received any other way. A gift that you need to share with others. STRENGTH you never knew you had.
Be gentle with yourself. Let safe and sound friends and family love you up. Never feel like you are not alone in the world.
Much love to you from Oregon.
I am so very sorry for your loss. We too had our baby at home (by choice) knowing full well that not everyone be supportive or understanding. You did nothing wrong, things happen...even when everything is done right. We don't know eachother personally but from one mothers heart to another I am grieving with you.
Sending you our love from Georgia
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