What a weekend it was.....and it WAS without Birdie

Its so absolutely tragic she was not with us this weekend, and I cried many times this weekend. I do think that her spirit was with us, I felt her very strongly on sunday. Yes, this was the weekend I had become scared of, the weekend of the wedding that M.att and I were supposed to be in. I had changed my mind last week, feeling terrified of walking down the aisle...something our Birdie will never be able to do. I just felt so hurt so destroyed over that thought. Its so unfair she can never have that experience, and so unfair that we can never watch her walk down the aisle. Our beautiful Birdie will never be a bride to be. Simply a tragic fact of her non-existant life. We did have a nice day on sunday, early on in the day we had a lovely walk around Walden Pond, something we both had always wanted to do. Both of us would have rather had done this with Birdie....we walked around the whole pond anyways.

Later on we had to get to the wedding location. We got there and I started feeling pretty anxious about being in the wedding, and feeling so nerved up about the whole experience. Somehow after getting dressed and then helping the bride for a little while I started to think about actually going through with "walking down the aisle", and doing it for Birdie, walking down the aisle holding M.att.s hand for Birdie. In the end that is what we did, we had the experience for her. It was so strange to go ahead and do that, but we did. We did it for our beautiful daughter. I was completely spaced out the whole ceremony, and not long after it began there were birds singing loudly in the many trees that surrounded the ceremony location. That is all I paid attention to pretty much the whole time. I just kept looking up at the trees trying to find the birds. Then I would catch Matt looking at me and we just stared at each other. So, it was not as hard as I had imagined, but it still hurt like hell to go through with it.

The other thing that I had felt anxious about was seeing so many family members. There were many of them there, M.att.s family is pretty huge. I had the fear that there would not be any acknowledement of Birdie, and for the most part I was right. I mean, I did not want that to be the topic of conversation as we were at a wedding. However, just a mention of Birdie....how people were missing her, or thinking of her, ANYTHING! There were those that did say lovely, very caring and sweet things to us, and that is what I needed and I am pretty sure M.att needed to hear. She is still our child, even though her body was not there with us. It bugs me that people don't know what to say....or that they just dont say anything, it just does.

I have not been posting as much because I have been busy with my job....busy getting a raise...and now being the woman who is pretty much learning to run "the show". I still feel the need to post here, and to stay in touch with all of you...and to think of my Birdie and write to her here.

I am just trying to figure my life out after all of this shit. Trying to get through my days of ovulation that are making themselves known like they never have before....and trying to stop having consuming thoughts of pregnancy. All of which is so damn hard. My body and mind want to be pregnant, that is the honest truth.

I do have to say though, at least today...I feel the sting of her death a little bit less, and I wonder if that is ok? I wonder if I am not thinking of her every single second of the day....am I forgeting her somehow? I feel so guilty when I have days like that, and I have had a few. Am I being a bad mama to her if I can have these moments? Or am I moving into another realm of my grief? Has anyone else felt something like this?

Birdie, I missed you so much this weekend. I had had so many warm thoughts of having you so close to me at this family wedding. I had planned to have my dress altered to be able to nurse you, I planned to hold you during the ceremony....and we planned to dance with you and walk with you and love you and oh so much more. Were you there with us? Was it you who made the birds call out in song during the ceremony? I felt such a hurtful ache for you...such a drawn out longing to hear you crying at the wedding. I think I felt the presence of your spirit....you, my darling the sweet little innocent baby who used to move joyfully and rambunkciously in my belly.

We miss you sweet girl. We still feel the full force of your love, and our love for you and each other.
Love, Mama